Automated
Payroll Processing
January
1, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over
the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are
granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please
either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay
cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all
pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
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A
Rare Archaeological Find
While
browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of
the Roman Section of the British Museum a researcher recently came across
a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found
it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister
factorium", or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated,
strangely enough, 1 BC, January 6, or 2,000 years ago today. The text
of the message follows:
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from BC to AD
is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left.
I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having
been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking
upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier
and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done
something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could
see why Brutus had turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers,
but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work.
As usual the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing
useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been
working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's
all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
We're continuing to work on the Y zero K problem and I'll send you a
parchment if anything develops.
Best regards,
Plutonius
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Y
to K Compliance
I hope
I haven't misunderstood the instructions.
Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I am now Y to K compliant and have finished converting all
the months on all my calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with
the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
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Y2K
Toilet Paper
WARNING!!!!!!
Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper supply.
Make sure it is Y2K compliant! Word has it that, if it isn't, come Jan
1, 2000 it will roll back to 1900 and turn into a Sears Catalog.
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The
Best Ways to Prepare for Y2K:
1. Fatten up your
closest friends. You may need them later. (Just think "mmm, filet
of Steve")
2. Run to the bank
and withdraw as much cash as you can carry. Be sure to yell, "I'm
going to the bank to withdraw as much cash as I can carry!"
3. Have a ski mask
and baseball bat handy. You won't want to miss out on all the looting
fun.
4. Dig an underground
bomb shelter. If there is no nuclear disaster, at least you'll have an
underground bomb shelter. How cool is that?
5. Protect your water
supply. Put a drop of yellow food coloring in every container.
6. Get some carrier
pigeons. They'll be your best form of communication. They also taste like
chicken.
7. Get one of those
Indiglo Watches. When we have the big power failure, who's gonna know
what time it is? You are, that's who.
8. Buy lots of Spam.
It will be the world's new currency.
9. Punch a computer
programmer. Why? Why not?
10. Stock up on cat
food. No, it's not for feeding cats. It's for catching them (if you know
what I mean).
11. Collect all the
spoons you can. Why? Because right now spoons are everywhere, But after
January 1st, who knows?
12. Move to Canada.
Nothing bad ever happens to those guys.
13. Visit a fertility
clinic. It may be up to you alone to replenish the earth.
14. Make friends with
the Amish. Because after December 31st, we're all Amish.
15. Hunker down. Then
hunker down some more. We just like to say "Hunker Down." Try
it, it's fun!
16. Break it to your
kids that the world may end. Start by telling them there is no Santa Claus.
That way, the news won't seem so bad.
17. Crawl into the
fetal position and practice screaming: We're all gonna die! We're all
gonna die!
18. Stock up on earplugs.
If you hear "Party Like it's 1999" one more time.....
19. Pray. This does
no good if you're in advertising, they're all going to hell regardless.
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FOR
SALE:
200 canned hams
100lbs. dried beans
2000 gal. fresh water(including underground tank)
5000 watt propane generator
75 MRE'S
800 assorted canned vegetables
8 cases sterno (24 per case)
18 boxes matches
2000 rounds of 45 caliber bullets
10 cases 12 ga. shotgun shells
50 "D" cell batts.
75 "AA" batts.
47 "AAA" batts.
1 solar powered radio
4 cases powdered protein
1 milk cow
1 bull
7 laying hens
1 rooster
40x60 underground shelter (with separate livestock quarters)
1 wood burning stove
8 cords wood
43 assorted magazines (12 adult related)
12 flashlights
8 kerosene lamps
16 military blankets
many other misl. survival items.
All items
sold together or separately. Bids will be accepted starting
1/2/00. Serious inquiries only.
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