Accountants, Financial and IRS Humor

A Taxpayer's Letter to the IRS
What to Wear to an Audit
An IRS Agent Gets a Heart Transplant
Tax Trivia 
How to Drive an Accountant Insane 
Investment Definitions  
Squeezing Lemons  
Virginia Woman Indicted on 19 Counts of Tax Fraud 
An IRS Agent Falls Between the Rails 
Arthur Andersen Amusement 6/3/02
A Man Lost in a Hot Air Balloon
Uncle Vito's Last Request
Accounting One-Liners 10/28/03
Cheating on Taxes and Getting Into Heaven
Killing Time in a Bank Line
A Stockbroker Receives a Strange Call
Thank You for Bouncing my Check
Deathbed Request for the IRS
Saved by the IRS
A Brilliant Deduction
Unique Tax-paying Defined 
The Secret to Wealth Explained 
The Bet 
A Farmer's Woes 
Beer Will Get You Through Times of No Money... 
A History of Teaching Math
Two Accountants Got Married 
Interesting Things That Have Been Taxed
New Financial Acronyms
An Accountant and an Attorney at a Seminar
Why Did the Accountant Cross the Road?
Miscellaneous Unproductive Time Codes
Cindy Balances Her Checkbook

A taxpayer's letter

From HR Block files:

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze;

Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal.

Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.

Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

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What to Wear to an Audit

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied 'wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with The IRS?"

"No matter what you wear," explained the rabbi, "you're going to get screwed."
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Deathbed Request for the IRS

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
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Saved by the IRS

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.

As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -- it was fantastic - Are you a doctor?"

"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies "I work for the IRS."
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A Brilliant Deduction

A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" replied the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
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Unique Tax-paying Defined

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
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An IRS Agent Gets a Heart Transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock."
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Tax Trivia

One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his occupation as "Hired Killer."

An IRS telephone assister was overheard to say, "Sir please watch your language!...Sir, watch your language!...Sir, please!...Reverend, I'm ashamed of you!"

In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history of the world.

Along the same line was the couple who wanted to deduct the cost of their daughter's wedding as a casualty loss. After all, they reasoned, she really made a terrible mistake marrying the man she did.
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Senior Accountant's Secret Revealed

There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again.

This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office.

One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock.

Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:

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A Young Accountant's First Job

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars"

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

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How to Drive an Accountant Insane

Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

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Investment Definitions


STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
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Squeezing Lemons

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoreman, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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The Secret to Wealth Explained

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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The Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.

Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.

He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars.

"I bet," she stated.

"As in horses?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired.

"Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
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A Farmer's Woes

A bank officer heard this explanation for a farmers money troubles:

It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds to dollars, me bloomin overdraft doubles. Then they brought in kilograms instead of pounds and me woolclip dropped by half. Then they changed rain to millimeters and we haven't had a inch of rain since. They brought in Celsius and it never got over 40; no wonder me wheat wouldn't grow.

Then they changed acres to hectares and I end up with half the land I had. By this time I'd had it and decided to sell out. I got the place in the agent's hands when they changed from miles to kilometers. Now I'm too far out of town for anyone to buy the stinking place.
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Virginia Woman Indicted on 19 Counts of Tax Fraud

Somewhere deep in the recesses of the Internal Revenue Service, someone must have looked at Rachel L. Breedlove's tax returns and said: I don't think so! Between December 1996 and June 1997, Breedlove, 30, is alleged to have filed 19 tax returns, sometimes using the names of her deceased father and brother, or her three young children or phony names. Breedlove allegedly claimed in one 1996 return that her 4-year-old daughter earned nearly $9.5 million and was owed a refund of almost $1.2 million. Breedlove collected refunds on two of her less sizable returns, totaling $126,614, according to a 19-count indictment handed up by a grand jury in Alexandria last week. But her other 17 alleged returns did not pass muster and instead led to her being charged with 19 felony counts of tax fraud.
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Beer Will Get You Through Times of No Money...

On July 26, 2000, two friends, Jim and John, each got a $1000 bonus at work.  They both work for Cisco Systems, where in the summer of 2000, there was LOTS of money around for bonuses.

Jim, being an intelligent, financially conscientious person, put the whole $1000 into Cisco stock. With his $1000, and a transaction cost of $35, he was able to purchase 7 shares at $123 each. Having watched Cisco stock climb and climb, he felt very good about this investment, happy that he was preparing for the future.

John, being a more care-free sort, did something slightly different with his $1000. John borrowed a friend's truck, and proceeded to the Seven Eleven, where he purchased 33 cases of beer.

John also felt very good about his investment: 33 cases x 24 = is 792 bottles of beer! John, also being an intelligent guy, although perhaps not as forward-thinking as Jim, calculated that he could drink about 15 bottles per week, and he wouldn't have to buy beer for a whole year. Jim, of course, was appalled by John's purchase, and berated him constantly about it. As months went by, Jim excitedly watched the stock prices, and saw it start to dwindle. "It'll go back up", he'd say to Jim,   Jim, who had been reaping the benefits of his investment on a daily basis, would reply, "Ya, it will. Hang in there buddy."

Months went by, and the value of the stock continued to fall, and there was the beginning of a noticeable dent in the beer pile. Midwinter came, Jim's stock had fallen to about half of it's original value, and John's beer was about half gone. Jim, being sure that the stock had hit rock-bottom, still was berating John for his frivolous purchase, telling him "Your beer will be gone in six months! Who knows what my stock will be worth!!".

Well, summer has come, and hard times at Cisco continue. Bad news: Both John and Jim have been affected by the layoffs. Last week, in order to raise some cash to help through the rough times, Jim sold his 7 shares, at that day's value of $12, and got $84, then after paying the $35 transaction fee, he only had $49. Jim stopped by John's house later that day (everyone needs their friends during rough times), and as luck would have it, there were two bottles of John's beer left. John, being a good, compassionate friend, offered to share his last two bottles of beer with his friend. Jim appreciated the gesture, and enjoyed the cold beer on the hot summer's day, but he felt a bit guilty. "At least I got fifty bucks back out of it - you have nothing now.", he said. "That's ok.", replied John. "Perhaps you can help me, I need to return all these empties.", he added, as his other friend with the truck drove up.

So they loaded up the truck, and proceeded off to the beer store. Upon arrival at the beer store, they unloaded the empties, feeling a little grim. John went to the counter, and collected his refund for the bottles. "33 cases x 24 bottles, at 10 cents per bottle, that comes to $79.20," the friendly Seven Eleven clerk said to John as he handed him the money. Jim was speechless. Poor guy. Can you imagine how you would feel if you just discovered that over the course of the last year, your $1000 stock investment left you with $50, and taking the same $1000, buying beer and drinking it, would leave you with $80.

As they say up North, beer will get you through times of no money better  than money will get you through times of no beer.
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An IRS Agent Falls Between the Rails

The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

 "Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

 "I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed by-standers and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything." 
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A History of Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar.

Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M".
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making
a living? Topic for class participation.

After answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?  There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
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Arthur Andersen Amusement

"Enron was a company in love with itself. Office affairs were rampant, divorce among senior executives an epidemic, and stories of couples steaming up glass-walled offices after late-night meetings were the talk of Houston..."
-- Daily Telegraph (UK)

The same question was asked to three different professions.
The question was: How much is 2 plus 3?

The Mathematician answered: "Five"

The engineer answered: "That depends on whether the original values were rounded up or down. So it could be anything from four to six"

The Arthur Andersen accountant answered: "How much would you like it to be?"
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Two Accountants Got Married

Once upon a time, two accountants got married.

True to their bean counter nature, everything was done by the book.  They got home at specified times, they ate dinner on a specified schedule and yes, they had sex every evening at EXACTLY 6:15 without fail.

One day, the lady accountant came down with the flu.  She went to the doctor and got antibiotics, which began killing the germs immediately. 

Three of the germs got together and discussed strategy.  The first germ said,  "I'm heading for her head.  I don't think the medicine will go that far." 

The second germ said,  "Maybe so, but I'm heading for her toes.  I think I'll be safe there."

The third germ said,  "Hey, you guys do what you want to do, but when the 6:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!" 
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A Man Lost in a Hot Air Balloon

A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or where he has landed.

Seeing a man walking down a nearby street, he cries out, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"

Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says:, "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field."

"You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident.

"How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.

"Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now," answered the balloonist.
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Interesting Things That Have Been Taxed

Bachelors (England in 1695 A.D. and Missouri in 1820 A.D.)
Beards (Russia, 1702 A.D.)
Cooking Oil (Ancient Egypt, approximately 2000 B.C.)
Souls (Russia, approximately 1682 A.D. This is why Russia fell-they claimed they had no souls.)
Urine (Rome, 1 A.D.)

Besides taxing beards and souls, Peter the Great of Russia also taxed: hats, boots, beehives, basements, chimneys, food, clothing, birth, marriage, and burial.
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Uncle Vito's Last Request

An Italian businessman, Uncle Vito, on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

Uncle Vito said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything, you greedy pricks'!"
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New Financial Acronyms

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:

EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings Before Interest Expenses, Taxes, Depreciation and Amortization) : now stands for Earnings Before I Tricked Dumb Auditor

EBIT (Earnings Before Interest and Taxes): Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering

CEO (Chief Executive Officer) : Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO (Chief Financial Officer) : Corporate Fraud Officer

NAV (Net Asset Value): Normal Andersen Valuation

EPS (Earnings Per Share): Eventual Prison Sentence
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An Accountant and an Attorney at a Seminar

An accountant was attending a tax seminar in Las Vegas. The lawyer sitting next to him was obviously bored with the presenter, and suggested the two of them slip out to the lobby for a cigar. The accountant replied, "well, thank you for the invite, but I tried smoking cigars once, and I didn't like them...I'll have to pass".

A few minutes passed, and the lawyer asked, "this is a very tiresome presentation... how about we slip down to the bar and have a cocktail?" to which the accountant replied, "Oh, I tried drinking once, but I didn't like it very much."

Finally, after about a half hour, the lawyer says, "listen, tonight after the seminar a couple of us are heading to the tables to do some gambling. Would you care to join us?" The accountant replied, "you know, I tried gambling once, but it just didn't appeal to me... but I'll tell you what. My son is flying in tonight, and he might want to tag along with you." To which the lawyer said, "your son? let me only child?"
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Accounting One-Liners

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Q: What is an Accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

"Accountants are the jackals of the capitalistic world."
--Karl Marx

One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his occupation as "Hired Killer."

"When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under Occupation she writes in, 'Eroding my daughter's self-esteem.'" --Robin Roberts

Along the same line was the couple who wanted to deduct the cost of their daughter's wedding as a casualty loss. After all, they reasoned, she really made a terrible mistake marrying the man she did.

An IRS telephone assister was overheard to say, "Sir please watch your language!...Sir, watch your language!...Sir, please!...Reverend, I'm ashamed of you!"

In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history of the world.

"The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money." -An unidentified Tax Auditor

"[The Internal Revenue Code is] about 10 times the size of the Bible - and unlike the Bible, contains no good news."
--Sen. Don Nickles

"I like to pay taxes. With them I buy civilization."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

Q: What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our employees' lounge. As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there was no such thing as "extra" money.

"Yes, there is," my supervisor retorted. "It's what you have right before your car breaks down."

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Why Did the Accountant Cross the Road?

Here are the top 10 responses:

1. To open a consulting practice.
2. What else does an accountant do for fun?
3. To count the chickens.
4. Because the lawyers were on the first side.
5. It was April 15th and the bar was on the other side.
6. So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
7. The client told him to.
8. Because that's what was done in the prior year.
9. To bore the people on the other side.
10. Because he just broke GAAS on the first side.
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Cheating on Taxes and Getting Into Heaven

Harry died. When he was judged, he was told that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Harry decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven, so off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend George up ahead.

George was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he had. Harry asked him what was going on, and George replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money - even more than you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

One day Harry, George, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when both could have sworn that they saw their friend Wally up ahead. This man, however, was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.

Stunned, Harry and George asked him how did he managed to get this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Wally replied, "I have no idea why, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to have."

Then Wally added, "There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes."
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Miscellaneous Unproductive Time Codes


It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code Description

5316 - Useless Meeting
5317 - Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 - Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 - Waiting for Break
5320 - Waiting for Lunch
5321 - Waiting for End of Day
5322 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 - Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 - Buying Snack
5482 - Eating Snack
5500 - Filling Out Timesheet
5501 - Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 - Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 - Scratching Yourself
5504 - Sleeping
5510 - Feeling Bored
5511 - Feeling Horny
5600 - Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 - Complaining About Low Pay
5602 - Complaining About Long Hours
5603 - Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 - Complaining About Boss
5605 - Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 - Not Actually Present At Job
5702 - Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 - Ordering Out
6103 - Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 - Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 - Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 - Stealing Company Goods
6202 - Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 - Hiding from Boss
6206 - Gossip
6207 - Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 - Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 - Updating Resume
6212 - Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 - Out of Office on Interview
6221 - Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 - Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 - Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 - Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
6238 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 - Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 - Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 - Complaining
6603 - Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 - Staring Into Space
6612 - Staring At Computer Screen
6615 - Transcendental Meditation
6969 - Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 - Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 - Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 - Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 - Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 - Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 - Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 - Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 - Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 - Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 - Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 - Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 - Recreational Drug Use
8001 - Non-Recreational Drug Use
8002 - Liquid Lunch
8100 - Reading e-mail
8102 - Laughing while reading e-mail
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Killing Time in a Bank Line

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
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Cindy Balances Her Checkbook

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
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A Stockbroker Receives a Strange Call

Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her."

"Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake."

"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making."
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Thank You for Bouncing my Check

This letter is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it

published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement


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