American Humor

You can get Ethnic Humor from Around the World at
Ethic Humor Page
An American Telling Off a Brit 
I took her for an American! 
The Difficulty of Finding an American Job Explained  
A Swiss Man is Looking for Directions
A Yank in Australia 
An Amusing Misunderstanding in French  
Who Can Tell the Most Outrageous Story 
I Am American...
Yes, I'm A Bad American
Evaluating US War History


An American Telling Off a Brit

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your mother!"
Back to the Top

A Yank in Australia

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights.  He'd seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia.  So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah.  There wasn't much to see.  There was a drought on it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere.

He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of flies that buzzed around him.

The pub's only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a "G'day!"

The American ordered a beer.

"Yank eh?" quizzed the Aussie.

"Sure am buddy," the Yank replied.

"Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked.

"It's the goddamn asshole of the world," the Yank replied.

There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke.  Then he asked: "You just passing through?"
Back to the Top

A Slap on a Train

In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.  After several minutes, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.  When they leave the  tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought: "That American sonovabitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought: "That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

The American thought: "That damn Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

The Canadian thought: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again!"
Back to the Top

I took her for an American!

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez. The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.

"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman...she is dead!"

"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu - I took her for an American!"
Back to the Top

An American Soldier on a British Train

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.  Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Back to the Top


The old Indian says "You know, once we were many and had fierce pride. Now, we are few and have no pride."

The black guy looks at him and says "Yep, I know what you mean, my brother. Once we were few and had no pride. Now, we are many and have great pride."

The cowboy looks at the black guy and says "Yep, and we ain't played cowboys and n_____s yet either!"
Back to the Top

An Amusing Misunderstanding in French

An American couple is in Paris on a long-awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there since they had looked forward to their visit to France for so many years.

All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store that is open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, on pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"

The policeman is a bit surprised since the American has asked where he can buy a black condom, but, after thinking a bit, he gives our friend directions.

The store - if that is what it is - looks a little seedy and rundown, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes the American and says, "M'sieru, je veux acheter un capeau noir?"

"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noire." After explaining that he has red, white, and brown condoms, but no black condoms, the man asks the American why he wants a black condom, "Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?"

"Ma femme est morte."

After the American says that his wife is dead, the man exclaims, "O Monsieru! Quelle beau sentiment!-What a beautiful sentiment!"
Back to the Top

Who Can Tell the Most Outrageous Story

An American and a British guy are betting you can tell the most outrageous story.

The American starts: "There was once an American gentleman and.."

The Brit interrupts him: " You win!"
Back to the Top


Q: Why have Americans been given larger brains than dogs?
A: So that they don't hump other peoples legs at parties.

Q: Why are Americans like laxatives?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.

Q. What do you call an intelligent person in America?
A. A tourist.

Q. Why do Americans play football on artificial turf?
A. To stop them from grazing.
Back to the Top

The Difficulty of Finding an American Job Explained

Alarm clocks rings for 6AM (MADE IN JAPAN).  While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).  He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.  He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in...AMERICA!
Back to the Top

I Am American...

Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader.  And I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled.  I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,  although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.  I speak English and French, not American.  I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.  I believe in peace keeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation;  and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.

A toque is a hat; a chesterfield is a couch, and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed', dammit! 

Canada is the second largest landmass, the first nation of hockey, and the best part of North America!  My name is Joe, and I am a Canadian!

Ciao!  I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor. I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.  And I don't drive a Camaro. And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge, although I'm certain they're very, very hairy  people.

I drink wine, not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza. I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash. And its pronounced 'espresso', not ex-presso.  I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my  car during the world cup.  Gelato is ice cream; biscotti are cookies; Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors; and it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!

Italy is the only country shaped like footwear; the first nation of soccer; and the best place in Europe!!

My name is Guisseppe, and I am Italian!

Allo, I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant. I don't go to fleamarkets, or worship elephants, or eat with my hands.  And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundel, although I'm certain they're very smelly  people.

I eat roti, not pita. I don't only shower once a week. I believe in discounts, not full price. And I pronounce it 'what', not 'vhat'.  I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my  car during a terrorist siege. 

A turban is an article of clothing.  Spicy foods are better than mild foods.  Curry is a very tasty dish, and it is pronounced Gaun-dee, not Gun-dee, Gaun-dee, dammit!

Pakistan is a third world country; the first nation of cricket; and the best part of the Middle East!  My name is Raheem, and I am Pakistani!

Wai! I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat. I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic. And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from  Bedding Heights, although I'm certain they're very rice, I mean nice people.

I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk. I believe in giving cash, not gifts And I pronounce it 'hello', not 'harro'.  I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre; dim sum is brunch; Gwai-los are white folk; Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.  And it is pronounced 'Gon Hay Fa Choi', not 'Gon Hee Fa Choi'.

China is the largest country in Asia; the first nation of ping-pong; and the best remaining Communist country.  My name is Fung, and I am Chinese!

Wassup!  I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.  And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well. I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, although I'm pretty sure they were American. 

I drink beer, not water; I am outspoken, not opinionated; guns settle disputes, not discussions.  Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing.  And it's pronounced 'ruf', not 'roof'. I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.  Burger King is fine dining.  Washing after peeing is for losers; Twinkies and Moon Pies are good for breakfast; I have a shed, not a garage; and WWF action is real!

The United States of America is the only country in the world; the first nation of ignorance; and the best part of South America!  My name is Jim-Bob, I am married to my sister, and I am America!
Back to the Top

A Swiss Man is Looking for Directions

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Back to the Top

Yes, I'm A Bad American
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level Governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac; try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents or the government are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

After 9/11.......If you wear a rag, you belong in a bag.

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!
Back to the Top

Evaluating US War History
(Author Unknown)

The Anglo-Dutch wars: This marks the first real time that the place we think of as America went to war. This was primarily because Indians were getting so scarce on the coast that they could only be massacred in season, and the colonists needed something to do to pass the time. As a consequence they cheered as All-American Hero the Duke of York marched into a tiny Dutch trading post at the mouth of the Hudson, leading those brave All-American boys shipped from over the Atlantic onwards to victory.

The Seven Years War*: Known in America as the French and Indian war, primarily because a good part of the war consisted of the French fighting the Indians, while Americans sat on the side-lines wondering which one would be the easier to massacre. (The official reason for calling it the French and Indian war is because of how it was started by Austria trying to win land off Prussia). The colonists were particularly keen to start the war, and promptly saw their militia slaughtered by the French and Indians, who decided to team up just to give foreigners something to laugh about in later years. After this the war consisted mainly of the Americans waiting for the Household cavalry to appear over the horizon and win the day, which they do over the space of approximately 90 minutes on a bank holiday weekend in 1759. Already we can see a rule forming here- without significant foreign military aid America has severe trouble beating an enemy wielding anything more deadly than a beach parasol.

American War of Independence(tm)*: The Seven Years war led to the formation of the second rule of American warfare- there's always someone to fight. Without the French in Canada or the Spanish in Florida, there was only one option- fight them-selves! Using the convenient excuse of being taxed to pay for their own defence, Americans decided to throw off the oppressive chains of British imperial domination that would later turn Canada into a 1984-style hell. New England rednecks scored impressive victories over regular British forces commanded by inbred incompetents with desires of beating the Russians in the Worst Officer Class ever awards. Wanting fancy uniforms, the Americans then draw up a proper army, which is promptly shattered. The states then argued about who should pay for their independence, while their generals won victories by massacring drunken Germans on internationally recognised holidays. Eventually the French managed to win control over the seas and land some competent officers to instruct the Americans. They then managed to hold on to enough territory while the pro-American opposition in Parliament forced the British to end the war. Thus was born the Land of the Free(tm) and the Home of the Brave(tm)- two commodities which America has had a complete monopoly on ever since.

War of 1812: The second rule came into play once again, and America looked for someone to beat up. They decide on several million square miles of uninhabited wilderness. End result, Wilderness 1, America 0. The Americans try to pull off a three pronged attack into practically unprotected Canada, while the colonial overlord has all her troops involved in a war to decide the fate of the civilised world 5,000 miles away. American troops distinguished themselves by refusing to fight outside of their home state, showing a firm understanding of the idea of an offensive war. Britain manages to spare enough troops from the Gotterdammerung in Europe to take America's capital city almost without a fight and burn it to the ground. Clearly we see the first rule in play here- America has trouble beating a force under a man whose chief CV point is being distantly related to Wellington. Although no film was made of this war, it is famous for being the place from which America's national anthem derives, originally titled "Hey look- we've finally won a battle!".

Indian Wars*: Having established the USA as a beacon of freedom and tolerance in which everyone had a say in the running of the country, the American people found to their horror that centuries of biological warfare had not quite wiped out the natives. Following a policy of 'It's not genocide if there are no survivors', the government decided that the best way to serve the interests of the native Americans was to relocate them all to a telephone box in Arizona. The US army spend fifty glorious years fighting a brave struggle against a cunning and dastardly foe who stood for everything America didn't, like the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The war is the stuff of legend in the US, and many American school-children hope that one day they too can go and cleanse Holy American Land of the filthy, alien indigenous peoples.

Mexican Wars: Having dealt with the Indians, the Americans felt confident that they could take on an enemy slightly higher up the ladder of inferior races. Not wanting to take too much in the way of risks they settle on Mexico, which was accused of stockpiling the Pacific coast and violating the no-salsa zone. In its 25 year history Mexico had already managed to lose a war to the three farmsteads that made up Texas, so the US had a fair chance of getting at least a draw. American troops do surprisingly well, especially considering the fact that the enemy have firearms.

The Civil War*: Once again the second rule comes into play- no Indians, no Mexicans, not Canadians to fight. Who next? The answer in retrospect was obvious- hillbillies. Needless to say, the USA was hardly going to make this a fair fight, making sure it massively outnumbered the south in everything that mattered. And they still managed to lose, nearly. Once again, Americans simply could not be bothered to get up and fight, preferring to sit at home and hoping the problem would go away. Having escaped getting their capital Southern Fried for a second time, the north finally remembers that there isn't anyone else who they can get to fight this war for them, and proceed to pillage and burn anything that looks even vaguely redneck. This war is most famous for the film Gone With the Wind, with its classic summary of American foreign policy for the past 300 years- "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn".

The Spanish American War: After realising that war actually involved effort, America found war 'boring' and 'no longer fun'. As a consequence it was another thirty years before someone poor and weak enough to be a worthy adversary was found. With Mexico looking too dangerous America decided to pick on the world's most decrepit empire- Spain. With a navy consisting of two old tin baths and a rubber duck the Spanish put up a valiant fight, assuming that a valiant fight consists of synchronised suicide. The Americans take a hill overlooking an insignificant town at ridiculously high cost, lose about a tenth of their entire army to disease and decide that it's too much effort to bother fighting a proper battle and just wait for the Spanish to give in. This they duly do, and America 'liberates' Cuba, whose gratitude shines through to this day.

World War I: 1914 was the year that Europe decided that peace, prosperity and having sections of the population aged between 15 and 35 was overrated. When war starts America manages to have its cake and eat it- not only do they sit around waiting for someone else to fight the war for them, but they kill a load of inferior Mexicans for refusing to salute the US flag. Eventually, after they find out that Germany has offered to help Mexico invade the USA, realising they would have an enemy who could fight back, America finally goes to war. Arriving just in time to chase the Germans back and claim victory, American history books could claim that without them Germany would have conquered the entire world. Upon entering the war-zone American commanders demonstrate their intelligence and cunning by marching all their troops straight at the German guns. At this point even the Allied generals, for whom the greatest horror of war was being unable to get real Turkish delight for their mistresses, had figured out that this wasn't the smartest of moves. The great fighting ability of the American soldier is demonstrated by achieving in seven months three times as many casualties as Belgium managed to suffer in four years, despite being in the middle of Trench warfare for all that time.

World War II*: America's finest hour. Sadly, that isn't saying much. The internationally recognised Most Evil Man Ever makes a bet with his friends about how many countries he can conquer before America declares war on him. He is on his twelfth when he gets so angry at America's laziness that he decides to declare war on them in exasperation. The Americans discover that the Japanese are not actually bandy- legged inferior people who couldn't see in the dark when they mount a surprise attack that knocks out most of the US military in the pacific. You do rather wonder what exactly the US navy thought the armada bearing down on one of their biggest naval bases was- a yacht club with a taste for military grey perhaps. The second world war was, for America, fought in two places. The first was the Pacific theatre, where America once again performed gloriously, managing to take less land off the Japanese than the Australians, before finding a way to win the war that only required a dozen or so people to leave their hammocks on tropical pacific islands. The war in Europe was characterised by American commanders trying to show cunning and guile, but giving up and borrowing the Russian tactic 'if we outnumber you ten to one, we can afford to lose nine of them'. Thanks to this war Americans can tell any nationality in Europe that 'If it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking German'. Missing out on the fact that had the Germans won the war they would have said, rightly, that if it wasn't for them you'd all be speaking English.

Korean War: Five years of peace occur before the second rule strikes, and America once again is off to fight. Several million Koreans under the command of a ruthless communist dictator attack several hundred thousand Koreans under the command of a regular old ruthless dictator, and needless to say, the USA feels obliged to fight for democracy in the area. On the flipping of a coin it is decided that the South Koreans are the more democratic, and need helping. Washington is horrified when it finds out that two squads of the Kentucky National Guard can't actually hold off a million-man communist Blitzkrieg. They're even more horrified when, having beaten the Koreans, the Chinese get involved and force the Americans to give up half the country. America decides that war's really sad anyway and it's only for losers and they weren't really playing and China was cheating.

Vietnam war*: American post-war military history is a bit like that of someone in a corporate band called the Allies. First the group was working together, making some good singles and a chart-topping album called World War 2. Then the band started to have disagreements and fights, France goes off to have a solo career, and eventually everyone's 'following their heart' and producing utter crap. The Vietnam war is the equivalent of the single that means the airhead singer will never work again. Having not fought a proper war for at least ten years, the Americans try to find a suitable dictatorial regime to prop up. Before you can say 'My Lai' American troops are swarming through the jungles, enjoying the warm hospitality of the natives. American troops are particularly keen to be polite, scrupulously obeying the ancient Vietnamese tradition for visitors- burning down the village and butchering the children of your host. American airmen promise to 'bomb Vietnam back to the stone age', then proceed to drop 2/3rd of their bombs on South Vietnam- the country they are notionally defending. At home American youths flee to Canada, on the grounds that they don't want to fight in the jungles of South East Asia until the army figure out a way of killing people without leaving the air-conditioned bases. Eventually America decides that it's all too much hard work, and that the South Vietnamese can be enslaved by communism after all. 50,000 Americans die in a guerilla war in the jungles of South East Asia- coincidentally the same number of troops required by the British to win a guerilla war in the jungles of South East Asia ten years earlier.

Grenada: Having lost to a nation whose idea of advanced weaponry was a bicycle with a sharp stick tied to the front, America decides to go back to basics for their next war. Fast approaching the constitutionally forbidden tenth year of peace, the US army selects its target- Grenada. As the world's second largest nutmeg producer, it was only a matter of time before it joined with the godless communists and destroyed freedom as we know it. For a nation with a population one fifth the size of the US air force the natives put up a strong fight. However soon America has made certain that the world is once again safe for democracy, apple pie and discount tourism. The world applauds America's success much in the way a teacher at a school for 'special' students does when one of their charges manages to draw an upside down H at the age of fifteen.

Gulf War: America's on a roll, having managed to defeat Panama after several years of protracted trench warfare. Now it's time to start playing in the premier league, and the US decides totake on Iraq. Having secured UN support there are enough foreigners to do the military equivalent of holding a kid up when they use a bike without stabilisers for the first time. Even with widespread international help, the Iraqis know it's still going to be nowhere near a fair fight unless they help the Americans out a lot, for example by taking the batteries out of their own tanks and push starting them in the morning. Even with this the US army has trouble getting their head around the whole idea. One American unit makes the mistake of confusing the Union Jack with the Iraqi flag, and ends up killing more British soldiers than the entire Iraqi military. Having managed to drive the enemy out of Kuwait, the Americans once again get bored, and put defeating Saddam Hussein on their 'to do' pile, promising to get it done after the barbeque next week.

The War Against Terror: Or, as American commanders originally referred to it, T.W.A.T. Finally America had found its calling- a war that involved plenty of cool explosions, the needless death of allies to moronic friendly-fire incidents, slaughter of generic dark-skinned natives, an Evil sounding enemy and, most importantly, no risk whatsoever for any Americans. Thanks to American bravery in handing suitcases of cash to Afghani warlords and bombing raids against dictionary suppliers, terror was completely destroyed, in another glorious victory for the USA.

Back to the Top