Animal-Related Humor

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull

What is six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa? Elephant snot.

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How to Get a Cat to Sit in Your Lap Why Cats Paint
An Expensive Diagnosis
Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
The Yellow Toad
Whale Revenge
The New Rooster
Penguin Joke
Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
Two Snakes...
Six Wise Elephants
Electric Eel Joke
I Think My Dog Killed Your Dog
The Veterinarian Taxidermist
Adam Gets a Pet
He can dish it out, but he can't take it
Little Tim Buries His Goldfish
Randy the Rooster
A Chihuahua as a Seeing Eye Dog?
A Monkey at the Scene of an Accident 
Horny Gorilla Humps King of the Jungle 
Mad Cow Disease Doesn't Affect Us Ducks  
Woodland Creatures on Drugs  
How to Bathe the Cat  
You Should Take Those Penguins to the Zoo  
A Piano-Playing Dog  
A Wild Dog Outwits a Leopard  
I Just Love Baskin Robins
Shopping for Two Yellow Canaries
I'm Going to Have to Put Him Down
They Only Told Me it Was a Wild Animal
Training a Cat in No Time (true)
The Dingo and the Leopard
Strange Animal Laws in the U.S.
Shorts and One-Liners
Calling in Sick (true)
Parrot Jokes - on it's own page
Dog Story

The Pet Centipede
At the Vet
Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill
Cats and Dogs
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
Cat Diary
The Hare Story
Cat Quotations
Upside-down Bat
A Kangaroo Escape Artist
A Polar Bear Goes into a Bar
Mad Cow Disease
Vampire Bat Covered in Fresh Blood
Noah Says No Sex on This Boat
A Schnauzer With Long Eyelashes 
The Real Three Bears Story 
A Young Polar Bear Questions His Lineage 
Training Tips for the Puppy  
A Mouse Has Dr. Snooker Trained...  
A Slug is Mugged in the Forest  
A Butcher and a Very Smart Dog  
I Think it's Time to Tell Him He's Adopted  
Real-Life Animal Heroes  
His Dog Attacks Anything That Moves  
Animals Have the Darndest Thoughts
Pull, Buddy, Pull
The Old Stallion Wants the New Filly
Dog or Dawg?
Ahmed Has His Camel Gelded
Did You Buy This Cow in Illinois?
A Circus Zebra on a Farm
The Gorilla Remover


An Expensive Diagnosis

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

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The End of the Raven

-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

from Poetry for Cats by Henry Beard

On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"

Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

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A Bad Pun

Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, 'Why are you crying, my friend?' The little yellow toad said, 'All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends...sniff, sniff.' The Good Witch replied, 'No problem!' And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green...all except his private parts, which remained yellow. 'Oh no!!' exclaimed the little toad, 'I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!' The Good Witch said, 'Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!' So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.

The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard. 'Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?' the Good Witch asked. 'Because,' said the little brown squirrel, 'all my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff.' 'No problem!' said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown. 'Oh, no!!' exclaimed the little squirrel, 'I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!' But the Good Witch said, 'Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!' But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, 'But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??' And the Good Witch said, 'Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow prick toad....'
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Whale Revenge

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
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The New Rooster...

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens.... Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! , he blows the young rooster to bits.

He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

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Penguin Joke

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and grants her 3 wishes.

"Well now" says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich" ****poof*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "and gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***poof*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ****poof**** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possible imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. with a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
by Bud Herron 

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.
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Dog Story

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

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The Pet Centipede

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a goddamned minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my fucking boots!!!"

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At The Vet

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The poodle asks: "so your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says: "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed.
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Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

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Cats and Dogs

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want o be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: = They are tiny women in fur coats.

What is a dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: = They are little men in fur coats

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Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

  1. Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good. The most delicate silk-covered antique chair makes the best scratching post.
  2. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door open, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold or hot weather, rain, snow and mosquito season.
  3. Guests:

    a: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most and sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have "Friskies Fish and Glop" on your breath, so much the better. But remember, the best lap is the one belonging to the guest with the heaviest allergic response to you.

    b: For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white fur goes well with black wool clothing.

    c. For a guest who claims "I love kitties", be ready to be aloof with disdain, apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle to discourage familiarity.

    d. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "but you allow me on the table when company isn't here."

    e. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit there and stare.

  4. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. The following are some rules for helping:

    a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.

    b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can manage to lie across the book itself. For people who read newspapers, pretend the newspaper is a fort to play under, or lay on it to make sure it won't float away.

    c. for knitting projects, curl quietly into lap of knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

    d. Newly bought groceries or freshly delivered boxes need to be properly inspected before anything can be put away. And be sure to sleep on the instructions if anything needs to be assembled.

    e. For those of you in a high-tech household, it is important to become computer literate so that you can step on the escape button before they have saved their work. And sleeping on the keyboard can have the added benefit of crashing the hard disk. You are giving your human a needed break from on-line services and computer games.

    f. Watching television is serious business. Wait until the most important scene in the movie or the tie-breaker point is about to be served and then walk on the remote. If this doesn't change the channel, then the volume change will wake up your human.

    g. On laundry day, be sure to help with folding sheets or towels. Wait until a clean load is fresh out of the dryer and make a nest out of anything from the delicate cycle. Or wait until the stack of towels is twice as tall as you before you decide to fall asleep on it, since the artfully disarranged pile makes a most comfy bed.

    h. Bed making is an art. Wait until two of the four corners of the sheet are in place, and then jump onto the bed to make sure the sheets are smooth. If the blanket is floating down as you jump up, a beautiful cat lump is achieved. There is no better ornament for a bed than a cat cleaning itself on the lacy boudoir pillows.

  5. Food and Water: The freshest water is always located in the glass presently being used by your human. Test it first with your paw, then push your face as far as possible into the glass. Toilet water and water from the faucet when they are brushing their teeth are also good choices. Wet food is always preferable to dry food. If you have to eat dry food, never settle for anything that comes from a membership warehouse or discount pet store. So much the better if you have to get it through a vet's prescription. No matter how many other times during the day you have been fed, make sure to look longingly at the refrigerator whenever your human is cooking dinner. They might forget that they just fed you five minutes ago.
  6. Play: This is very important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing Catch Mouse or King of the Hill on your human's bed between 2am and 4am.
  7. Begin training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

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Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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A Hare Story

A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. 

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can onto it. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around and again waved at the two humans. 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to her and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so he could read the label. It said: "Acme Hair Spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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Quotations about Cats

bullet "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt
bullet "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
bullet "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous
bullet "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez
bullet "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb
bullet "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
bullet "One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway
bullet "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly
bullet "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
bullet "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick
bullet "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous
bullet "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer
bullet "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine
bullet "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul
bullet "Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette
bullet "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous
bullet "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick
bullet "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb
bullet "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
bullet "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols
bullet "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."
- Bruce Graham
bullet "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
bullet "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
bullet "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

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Two Snakes...

Two snakes were out for a slither when one turns to the other and asks, "Are we poisonous?"

"Why yes we are," says the second.

Again the first snake asks, "Are we really poisonous?"

"Yes we are really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"

"I just bit my lip!"
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Six Wise Elephants

One day six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.
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Electric Eel Joke

An electric eel was becoming very depressed, and his keeper asked if there was anything he could do. "Well, it's getting a little lonely in here," said the eel.

So the next day the keeper dropped a female eel into the tank, but after swimming around a bit the male was just as depressed.

"What's the matter now," asked the keeper.

The eel gestured to his new tank mate and in a tone of resignation said, "DC."
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Upside-down Bat

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the hell are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
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I Think My Dog Killed Your Dog

A man went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a beer.

A few minutes later, another fellow walked in and said, "Is that your dog outside?"

"Yes. What of it?" said the first man.

"I'm sorry, but I think my dog may have killed him."

"What kind of dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?" said the first man stunned.

"Well, he's a Chihuahua."

"Ha! How can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"

"I think he may have gotten stuck in his throat." said the second man.
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A Kangaroo Escape Artist

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.  The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.  This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
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A Polar Bear Goes into a Bar

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin......................... and tonic."

The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"
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The Veterinarian Taxidermist

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
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Mad Cow Disease

Two cows are standing in a barn.

First cow says, "I'm a bit concerned about this mad cow disease that's going around."

Second cow replies, "I'm not worried, it doesn't affect penguins."
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Adam Gets a Pet

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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He can dish it out, but he can't take it

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
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Little Tim Buries His Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
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Vampire Bat Covered in Fresh Blood

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me." and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
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Randy the Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that this expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer ..."
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Noah Says No Sex on This Boat

"Listen up!" Noah said in a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your peckers back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day for a week until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
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A Chihuahua as a Seeing Eye Dog?

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us. "The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher? "The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good. The bouncer said, "Okay, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in, although he knew his story would be less believable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? You mean, they gave me a fucking Chihuahua? !!!!
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A Schnauzer With Long Eyelashes

This lady's dog, a schnauzer, has the world's bushiest eyebrows, so he's constantly bumping into trees, beer trucks, you name it. She takes him into the vet to get the hair trimmed out of his eyes so he can see where he's going.

The vet tells her that trimming a dog's eyebrows isn't a job for a doctor of veterinary medicine; she should do it herself, take the schnauzer to a dog trimmer, or perhaps use hair remover to do a more permanent job. So, she goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some hair remover.

He says, "This is our best depilatory. Use it full strength on legs and half strength on underarms."

She says, "But it's for my schnauzer."

"Then use it quarter-strength and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."
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A Monkey at the Scene of an Accident

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.
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The Real Three Bears Story

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence....listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time.......
I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!
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Horny Gorilla Humps King of the Jungle

A large gorilla was roaming through the jungle. He was extremely horny. Peering through the brush he saw a big old male lion sleeping on a knoll. Rushing forward he seized the lion, and before the lion could respond the gorilla had his way with him. He pushed the lion away and went off running and laughing through the forest.

Coming to his senses the lion took off after the gorilla. The gorilla spots a tent with nobody around, jumps inside, pulls on a pair of pants, a shirt, a hat, and grabs a newspaper and begins reading.

All of a sudden the lion bursts into the tent, stops short and roars, "Have you seen a big hairy gorilla around here?"

"You mean the one who just nailed you in the ass?" responds the gorilla.

The dumbfounded lion says, "You mean it's in the papers already?"
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A Young Polar Bear Questions His Lineage

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"

His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."

The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?"

"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear..."

"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"

"Yes son, I'm sure."

"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear in me?"

"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."

"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"

"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these questions?"

The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my ass off out here!"
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Three Moles

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

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Mad Cow Disease Doesn't Affect Us Ducks

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
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Training Tips for the Puppy:

The best advice I have ever given puppy owners is to get a newspaper and roll it up very tight.  Secure it with a rubber band and leave it on the coffee table.  Then, when the puppy piddles in the house, chews up a slipper or does anything he's not supposed to do , simply take the newspaper and bang it on the top of YOUR head very hard while repeating...
"I should have been watching my puppy!"
"I should have been watching my puppy!"
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A Mouse Has Dr. Snooker Trained...

A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Snooker trained."

"You have?" asked the other.

"Yes, explained the first mouse. "Every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."
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Woodland Creatures on Drugs

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
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A Slug is Mugged in the Forest

A slug in the forest had spent all day gathering berries and was making his way home when he was mugged by a gang of snails. They knocked him down, knocked him out and made off with all his berries.

A while later he was found and aided by a very concerned monkey who asked him what had happened. The monkey told him he should go to the police, that if he gave them a good description of the culprits the chances were good that the thugs would be caught and punished.

Unfortunately, the slug revealed, "I'm afraid I never saw them; it all happened so fast."
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How to Bathe the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so the cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside the toilet; as the cat is enjoying this.
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors where he will air dry.


The Dog
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A Butcher and a Very Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a  note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy, "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key."

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You Should Take Those Penguins to the Zoo

A man drives to a gas station and fills up his tank. The curious clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat. So, he asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" 

The man says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but so far, I haven't a clue."

After thinking a moment the clerk says, "I know... you should take them to the zoo."

"That's a great idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, what's up? You've still got the penguins! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo?"

"Well, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
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I Think it's Time to Tell Him He's Adopted

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.  "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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A Piano-Playing Dog 

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."
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Real-Life Animal Heroes

CARLETTA THE COW - At his Tuscany farm in 1986, Bruno Cipriano's pet cow, Carletta, saved him from being gored by a boar when she charged at the beast and butted it with her

PRISCILLA THE PIG - Owned by Victoria Herberta of Houston, Texas, Priscilla hit the headlines in 1984 when she swam to the rescue of an 11-year-old boy. She used her snout to keep his head above water until he could hold on to her collar and then dragged him to the safety of the shore.

LEO THE POODLE - Leo the poodle was out playing with his owners, brother and sister Sean and Erin Callahan, when the trio encountered a rattlesnake. Leo leapt between it and 11-year-old Sean, enabling the boy to escape. Although receiving six bites to the head, Leo somehow survived.

A SCHOOL OF DOLPHINS - In 1989 Adam Maguire was surfing near Sydney when he was attacked by a shark. As the shark moved in for the kill, it was distracted by a school of dolphins thrashing around in the water. To prevent the shark reaching its prey, the dolphins swam around it in circles until Adam's friends had managed to rescue him.

BARRY THE ST. BERNARD - During his 12-year career in the Swiss Alps Barry rescued more than 40 people, among them a small boy trapped in an avalanche. Barry spread himself across the boy's body to keep him warm. To complete the rescue, Barry carried the boy to the nearest house.

Bracken the Collie saved his owner, Ian Elliot, when he was chopping down trees on his Canadian farm and a pine tree crashed on to him breaking his back. Bracken lay across him to maintain his body temperature. When Bracken heard voices in the distance, he ran to the men and led them back to his injured master.

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A Wild Dog Outwits a Leopard

A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"  
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His Dog Attacks Anything That Moves

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."
The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."
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I Just Love Baskin Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.

"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me, too. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK" said the first, and they plopped down basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."
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Animals Have the Darndest Thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it?  I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank.  So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease!  But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker?  HECK, no!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap!  There's a new one!"

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Shopping for Two Yellow Canaries

A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
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Pull, Buddy, Pull

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
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I'm Going to Have to Put Him Down

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."
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They Only Told Me it Was a Wild Animal

My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by a small field mouse she'd found. She carried it home in her pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I called our town humane society and was told that the animal would have to be examined, and they'd send someone for it.

When the humane-society truck pulled up, a big man got out, put on a pair of gauntlets and took a capture stick and cage from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed him a shoebox containing the mouse.

"Lady," he said, seeing my expression, "they only told me it was a wild animal."
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The Old Stallion Wants the New Filly

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.

The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away.

So that day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.

"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"

The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."
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Dog or Dawg?

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had
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Ahmed Has His Camel Gelded

As a merchant in the caravan business, Ahmed was well aware that a neutered camel can go longer and further without water than one which has not been neutered. But although he knew he was losing money, he couldn't bear the thought of inflicting such pain on his lead camel, which was really more of a pet than a beast of burden.

Walking through a bazaar one day he found the solution to his dilemma: a sign which read "CAMELS GELDED WITHOUT PAIN." Making inquires of the stall's proprietor, he was assured that the operation was quick and absolutely painless. There would be no suffering. A price was negotiated and the merchant returned the next day with his favorite camel in tow.

The camel gilder picked up two bricks, approached the camel from the rear, took aim, and smashed the bricks together with a sound like a thunderclap. With a bellow of agony, the camel collapsed to its knees.

The merchant was horrified. "You promised it would be painless!" he cried, cradling his camel's head.

"Why, it is," explained the gilder, "as long as you don't get your thumbs caught between the bricks."
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Did You Buy This Cow in Illinois?

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
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Training a Cat in No Time

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
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The Dingo and the Leopard

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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Strange Animal Laws in the U.S.

In Kingsville, Texas, it is against the law for two pigs to have sex on the city's airport property.

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 a.m. and after 4 p.m. in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 p.m. in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
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A Circus Zebra on a Farm

A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.

While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can't give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you who I am and what I do."
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Shorts and One-Liners

An elephant says to a camel, "Everyone has boobs on their chest. How come you have them on your back.
To which the camel replies, "Look who's talking, the guy with a dick on his face.


A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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The Gorilla Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat."

"When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
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Calling in Sick

For all of you cat lovers (and non-cat lovers)...this is hilarious!!!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
Which it was.

What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew...





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