Automotive Humor

Americans are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact
that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater,
and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive there's
something wrong with him.
     ---Art Buchwald

The other day I saw a tow truck hook up a car that was parked in a tow-away zone, that's pretty dumb, but even dumber, there was some idiot in another car waiting to pull into the space.
Police Humor (on its own page)
Driving School Exam Answers

The Ferrari and the old man
Oil Changing Instructions 
Parking By Braille 
How to Identify Where a Driver is From 
Pete's Going to Build a New Kind of Car 
Jill's Car Was Unreliable...
What your Car says about you...
The Origin of Ford Air Conditioning 
Repairing a Clunking Noise Problem 
Driving Instructor Goes Over the Top
A Woman Wants to Buy a Seven Ten Cap
Tip for Staying Awake
South Carolina Vehicle Inspection

Driving School Exams

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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The Ferrari and the old man

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,

"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
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What Your Car Says About You...

bullet Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
bullet Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars
bullet Acura NSX- I am impotent
bullet Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
bullet Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
bullet Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
bullet Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
bullet Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
bullet Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
bullet Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
bullet Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
bullet Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
bullet Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
bullet Dodge Dart-I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
bullet Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
bullet Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny
bullet Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
bullet Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones
bullet Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them
bullet Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
bullet Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
bullet Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
bullet Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit
bullet Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
bullet Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
bullet Isuzu Impulse-I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
bullet Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
bullet Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
bullet Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
bullet Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
bullet Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
bullet Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
bullet Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler
bullet MGB- I am dating a mechanic
bullet Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either
bullet Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
bullet Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
bullet Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
bullet Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
bullet Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock
bullet Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
bullet Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
bullet Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
bullet Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
bullet Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet
bullet Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
bullet Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet
bullet Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now
bullet Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife

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Oil Changing Instructions


1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

6. Place drain pan under engine.

7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

8. Give up and use crescent wrench.

9. Unscrew drain plug.

10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

11. Clean up.

12. Have another beer while oil is draining.

13. Look for oil filter wrench.

14. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver andtwist it off.

15. Beer.

16. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

17. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

18. Throw oil lift on oil spilled during step 17.

19. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

20. Buy beer.

21. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

22. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

23. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

24. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December and marked up her the left boob.

28. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

29. Beer.

30. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

31. Beer.

32. Lower car from jack stands.

33. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

34. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

35. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.
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The Origin of Ford Air Conditioning

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker.

"Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford, an infamous bigot, outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.

"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, Are you crazy? It must be a hundred degrees in that car !" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. "This is amazing !" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

One of the brothers spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but there is no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:

(Wait for it!)



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Parking By Braille

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, a man saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.

He walked over to see if he could somehow help. His offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
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Repairing a Clunking Noise Problem

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note:

"Removed bowling ball from trunk."
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How to Identify Where a Driver is From

1.  One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:  Chicago.

2.  One hand on wheel, one finger out window:  New York.

3.  One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic:  New Jersey.

4.  One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:  Boston.

5.  One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap:  Los Angeles.

6.  Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7.  Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:  Italy.

8.  One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9.  One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:  Texas.

10.  Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:   West Virginia.

11.  Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above the steering wheel, driving in the left lane at 35 on the Interstate with the left blinker on: Florida.  
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Pete's Going to Build a New Kind of Car

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this crazy idea he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years."
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Driving Instructor Goes Over the Top

MOBILE, Alabama - Road rage has taken a new turn recently when a driving instructor at a local high school became enraged when a student of his was cut off by a licensed driver. In Hollywood fashion, he yelled, "Follow that car" and ordered his student to run the offending driver off the road. Once accomplishing this task, the instructor ran out of the Driver's Education car and attacked the stunned motorist. At press time the instructor is still teaching driver safety after being released on bail.
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A Woman Wants to Buy a Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.

Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, "It's a Buick."

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?" we asked.

She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.

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Jill's Car Was Unreliable...

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
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Tip for Staying Awake

Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver.

I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."

"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."
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South Carolina Vehicle Inspection

I had moved to South Carolina from New York, and at that time a vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous; my car was in rough shape. I thought of New York's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix. I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign.

When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three-dollar fee.

I was shocked. "Is that all you have to do?" I asked.

He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you?"

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