Bill Clinton Jokes

You can get
 The Bill Clinton Joke Book: Uncensored

and Chelsea Clinton's Freshman Notebook:

Monica Lewinsky 6/7/2002
Sexually Oriented (Non-Lewinsky)
STARR I ARE -- from Dr. Seuss
State of the Union Address President Clinton Should have Given
Top 10 Songs to replace Hail to the Chief
Hillary and Janet Reno compare notes...
President Clinton's Testimony -- by Dr. Seuss
Let's Sing The Willie C Song
(to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
Letter to Mr. Clinton
(not funny -- but worth reading)
Letter to John Hinckley
Clinton and The Pope Have 80% Agreement 
Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson on Technique 
Clinton and Dubbya Getting Haircuts 
Bill Clinton Goes to Hell  
Bill Clinton Dies and Goes to...
Hillary Visits a Primary School
Hillary is Pregnant
An Old Man Wants to See President Clinton
Clinton vs Titanic: Incredible Similarities
Hillary's minor medical problem

Hercules, Snow White, and Quasi Moto...
Bill Develops a Rash...
First Family Mortgage 
Chelsea's Letter Home 
Chelsea's Marriage Plans
Air Force One Crashes...
Bill's Drink Order
Five Presidents on a Sinking Ship
General Purpose One-Liners
Bill Gives a Cadillac as a Gift
Hillary Wakes Up Bill and Says... 
Clinton's Dog... 
Pardon Me 
Bill Clinton Monument Committee Fundraiser
A Letter to the FAA
Dear Abby

TOP 10 Songs to replace 'Hail to the Chief' (when introducing President Clinton)

bullet Number 10 - "Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies", by Fleetwood Mac
bullet Number 9 - "Afternoon Delight", by Star Land Vocal Band
bullet Number 8 - "Your Cheatin' Heart", by Hank Williams
bullet Number 7 - "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places"
bullet Number 6 - "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees
bullet Number 5 - "Honesty (is Such a Lonely Word)" by Billy Joel
bullet Number 4 - "(You Can't Hide Your)Lying Eyes", by The Eagles
bullet Number 3 - "Ocean Front Property (in Arizona)", by George Strait
bullet Number 2 - "I'd Lie to You for Your Love", by The Bellamy Brothers
bullet Number 1 - "Devil with the Blue Dress" by Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels

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Hillary and Janet Reno compare notes...

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks............

Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded..."Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly), doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy's getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"

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Monica Lewinsky Jokes

bullet There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
bullet Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
bullet Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown
bullet Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.
bullet Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader.
bullet Q: What did the special prosecutor tell Monica?
A: "now, spit it all out!"
bullet Q: Why is there no proof of an affair with Monica?
A: Monica swallowed the evidence.
bullet Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A: A small weenie in hot water.
bullet Q: What do Monica and Bill Clinton have most in common?
A: They're both going down.
bullet Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
A: At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
bullet Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
bullet Q: Why didn't Monica swallow? A: Because that would be destruction of evidence.
bullet Q: Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
A: Her dad is getting more dates than she is.
bullet Q: What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
A: Unabanger.
bullet Q: How does Hillary feel?
A: She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST
bullet Q: What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting on January 22, 1998?
A: "Bill....camels don't talk!!"
bullet Q: Why did Bill think he wasted all that energy running for President?
A: He thought they said he would be working in the "Oral" Office.
bullet Q: Why doesn't Clinton use bookmarks?
A: He just bends over and sticks the pages!
bullet Q: What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? A: They both heard a giant sucking sound!
bullet Q: What did President Clinton say to Monica?
A: "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition...I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
bullet Q: Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
A: Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.
bullet Q: What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky?
A: "They told me she was the "head" intern!"
bullet Realization of another White House intern . . .
And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!
bullet Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
bullet So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life.
Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come.
bullet One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!
bullet Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
bullet Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
bullet President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
bullet The White House spin is that this is just a third rate blow job.
bullet Bill Clinton's in the Lincoln bedroom engaged in some heavy foreplay with Monica, when he decides that it's time to finish the deed. As he's doing so, Monica lets out a cry of discomfort. "What's the matter, honey?" Asks the President. "I'm still a virgin, and it hurts!" was the reply. Bill responds, "I feel your pain!"
bullet Q: What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
A: Missionary
bullet How ironic... this is the second time in history a "Deep Throat" has been at the center of a presidential controversy.
bullet Summary of the week's news reporting of the Zippergate scandal:
In the aftermath of the initial administration responses to the breaking story, it seems apparent that Mr. Clinton has left a bad taste in Lewinsky's mouth. A growing majority are finding the president's story hard to swallow, noting that it appears quite evident that Monica was influenced by some sort of presidential "gag order." The First Lady, the recognized steward of the president's power base, is reported to be afraid that Lewinsky has blown everything. Vernon Jordan is reported to have suggested that Ms Lewinsky approach the president with a stiff upper lip for the time being, and is quite upset at how much damage her wagging tongue seems to have done. Meanwhile, the White House staff is engaged in a furious search for Richard Nixon's tape erasing machine, last seen on loan to the offices of the Rose law firm in Little Rock. In an effort of goodwill, however, the administration has extended an invitation to Ms Lewinsky for an exclusive guided tour of the capital city's national parks one night next week. Ms Lewinsky's attorney has chided the mainstream media for taking out of context a comment by her close friends that she once said she wanted to head the Oval Office someday. Defending his client as a victim, he said that "...this oral sex thing really has her choked up, you know." Mr Starr, the independent prosecutor investigating the case, remains unmoved, and has made it clear that to avoid criminal liability herself, Ms Lewinsky will be required to give a complete blow-by-blow description of her relationship with Mr. Clinton. Chelsea Clinton, when asked for her opinion of the woman who stands to dethrone her father, simply replied "she sucks!"
In a related story, a truck bomb scare in the front driveway of the White House resulted in the evacuation of the building until Secret Service agents ascertained that the Ryder van parked in the drive was just Tipper Gore waiting out front with her furniture.
bullet Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that President Clinton wishes he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.....
bullet Could we please refer to the Bubba, in the future, as "The Unabanger"!
bullet Clinton admits that he has a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky, but that it was OK because he didn't penetrate.
bullet A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."
bullet Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
bullet The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress "Presidue."

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.

She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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Sexually Oriented (Non-Lewinsky)

bullet A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy replied -- "That's too Old fashioned"... "spit out your gum, I want to play President."
bullet Q: What does Hillary do after shaving her pussy?
A: Dresses him up and sends him to work.
bullet Q: Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached.
bullet The Clintons bought a new parrot. The unfortunate thing is, this parrot used to live in a whore house. One evening the Clinton family, Chelsea included, arrived at the White house. First Hillary walked in and the Parrot squawked "Too old, too old" Then Chelsea walked through the door and the parrot then squawked, "too young, too young" Then Bill walked through the door and the parrot squawked, "Hi Bill."
bullet Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
bullet Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
bullet Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
bullet Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
bullet Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
bullet Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
bullet Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
bullet Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"
bullet Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!
bullet President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!"
bullet Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
bullet Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
bullet It seems the biggest new game to play in Washington DC is swallow the leader.
bullet In Kennedy's time, we had Camelot, in Clinton's we have CAME-a-lot.
bullet Arkansas is very proud of Clinton--all these women coming forward and none of them are his sister!
bullet Hey why does Clinton wear Underwear?
To keep his ankles warm...
bullet Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Holiday Belt Buckle?
It's made out of Mistletoe!
bullet After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
bullet The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.
bullet Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.
bullet Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
bullet Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation - they added an 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."
bullet Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
bullet Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned, "Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
bullet Q: Why did the Clintons decide to name their dog Buddy?
A: Because nobody wanted to yell, "Come, Spot," out loud.
bullet Arkansas is very proud of its favorite son, Bill Clinton.
All the women that came forward during his trials and tribulations, and not one of them was his sister!
bullet Did you know that Bill Clinton asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom?

He said it more appropriately represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

bullet As the Clinton administration was drawing to a close, some folks were pondering what we'd miss about Bill Clinton:
* The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.
* Clinton only recruited interns from four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State, and Brigham Young.

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STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale from Dr. Seuss

I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here nor there--
I did not do that

I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

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The State of the Union address President Clinton Should have Given

"Mr. Vice President. Mr. Speaker. Members of Congress. My Fellow Citizens.

I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to bag are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.

Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called 'Kennebunkport' who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Before him, Nixon coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. It goes without saying that Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for 'beaver-wrestling' shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been playing first Saxophone here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of cocaine, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where their next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my willie showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter (unless, of course, she's a hottie with big hair and thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it). In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

God bless the United States and Thank God for little girls. Good night."
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President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Seuss


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Let's Sing The Willie C Song Together Now

(Beverly Hillbillies melody)

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."

Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,
'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.

So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,
Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.

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Letter to Mr. Clinton

Whether you love him or hate this "letter"'s too good to pass by. Hate it as you may, you can't argue with it. Letter to the President. It needed to be said. This letter was written by Eric Jowers, a retired Army Officer, who served as public affairs officer at Fort Rucker from 1989 to 1991. He now lives in Alabama.

Dear Mr. President:

It's not about sex. If it were about sex, you would be long gone. Just like a doctor, attorney or teacher who had sex with a patient, client or student half his age, you would have violated the ethics of your office and would be long gone. Just like a Sergeant Major of the Army, Gene McKinney, who though found not guilty, was forced to resign amid accusations of sexual abuse. Remember the Air Force General you wouldn't nominate to be Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff because he freely admitted to an affair almost 15 years before, while he and his wife were separated? Unlike you, he was never accused of having a starry-eyed office assistant my daughter's age perform oral sex on him while he was on the phone and his wife and daughter were upstairs.

If it were about sex, you should be subjected to the same horrible hearings that Clarence Thomas was subjected to because of the accusations of Anita Hill. The only accusation then was that he talked dirty to her; he didn't even leave semen stains on her dress. No, it's not about sex. It's about character. It's about lying. It's about arrogance. It's about abuse of power. It's about dodging the draft and lying about it. When caught in a lie by letters you wrote, you concocted a story that nobody believed. But we excused it and looked away. It's about smoking dope, and lying about it. "I didn't inhale, "you said. Sure, and when I was 15 and my buddies and I swiped a beer from an unwatched refrigerator, we drank from it, but we didn't swallow. "I broke no laws of the United States," you said. That's right, you smoked dope in England or Norway or Moscow; where you were demonstrating against the U.S.A. You lied, but we excused it and looked away. It's about you selling overnight stays in the White House to any foreigner or other contributor with untraceable cash. It's about Whitewater and Jim and Susan McDougal and Arkansas, Gov. Jim Guy Tucker and Vincent Foster and Jennifer Flowers and Paula Jones and Karen Willey and nearly countless others. It's about stealing the records from Foster's office while his body was still warm and putting them in your bedroom and "not noticing them" for two years. It's about illegal political contributions. It's about you and Al Gore soliciting contributions and selling influence at Buddhist temples and in the same Oval Office where Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt led their countries through the dark days of wars that threatened the very existence of our nation. But we excused you and looked away. It's about hiding evidence from Ken Starr, refusing to testify, filing legal motions, coaching witnesses, obstructing justice and delaying Judge Starr's inquiry for months and years, and then complaining that it has gone on too long. The polls agreed. Thank goodness that Judge Starr didn't read the polls, play politics or excuse you and look away. He held on to the evidence like a tenacious bulldog.

Your supporters say that you've confessed your wrong doings and asked for our forgiveness. Listen, what you said on TV the night you testified to the grand jury was not a confession; overwhelming evidence is not a confession at all. Not that it would make a lot of difference. A murderer who contritely confesses his crime is still a murderer. When your "confession" didn't sell, even to your friends, you became more forthcoming. Maybe someday you'll confess more, but probably not. You've established such a pattern of lying that we can't believe you anymore. Neither can your cabinet, the Congress or any of the leaders of the nations of the world. When a leader's actions defame and emasculate our country as profoundly as yours have, it's no longer a personal matter, as you claim. It's no longer a matter among you, your family and your God.

By the way, I don't believe for a minute that Hillary was unaware of your sexual misadventures, abuses of power and pattern of lying. She has been a party to your wrong doings since Whitewater and Jennifer Flowers just as surely as she lied about the Rose law firm's billings and hid the Vincent Foster evidence in your bedroom for two years. Why? So she could share in the raw power that your office carries. The two of you probably lied to Chelsea, but that is a matter among you, your family and your God. Remember the sign over James Carvill's desk during the l992 campaign? It said, "It's the economy, stupid! Place this sign over your desk: "It's about character, stupid!" No, it's not about sex, Mr. President. If it were, you would be long gone. It's about character; but we have to live with your filth, lies and arrogance for a while longer. Your lies, amorality and lack of character have been as pervasive as they have been despicable, so we have no reason to believe that you will quietly resign and go away. You'll count on half truths and spin doctors to see you through, the country be damned. It has always worked before.

We excused you and looked the other way. No more, we've had enough. You betrayed us enough. You have made every elected official, minister, teacher, diplomat, parent and grandparent in the country apologize for you and explain away your actions. Now go away, and let us show them that our country was not without morals. It was just that you were. Let us show them that America was not the problem. William Jefferson Clinton was. Go away, Mr. President. Leave us alone. And when you leave, know that your legacy to the United States of America will be a stain on the Office of the President that is as filthy as the stain on Monica's dress. It will take a lot of scrubbing to make it clean again.

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Clinton vs Titanic: Incredible Similarities

When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of "deja vu" - of watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure?

Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see the remarkable similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just by coincidence... or much more.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.

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Hillary's minor medical problem...

Hillary Clinton goes to an MD and complains about having hair on her chest. He says to take some pills that he gives her and tells her it will go away. She comes back in a month and says she still has the problem. She opens her shirt and her chest is covered with hair. He says "Jesus, this is serious. How long have you had this?" She says " Several months". He asks if the hair is other places on her body, stomach, etc. She says " Your damn right it is; it runs all the way down to my balls."
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Hercules, Snow White, and Quasi Moto were all having lunch together...

Hercules said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"

Snow White agreed. "I'm told I'm the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder, too."

Quasi Moto said, "And I'm pretty sure I'm the ugliest human alive, but I've never had it confirmed."

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest, and Quasi Moto was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true.
God told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I'm the fairest, for God confirmed it."

But Quasi Moto lifted his sad face and said, "Who the hell is Linda Tripp?"

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Bill Develops a Rash...

While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!"

He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."

Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.

He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there!

So he goes back to the doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know."

Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"

The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."

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First Family Mortgage

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is. So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres as I recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down- that's $440,000 --leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do those kinds of deals all the time. Now let's have a look at your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course, and your salary is - oh, dear--$200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock, Arkansas. Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year - assuming, of course, she's elected - so even with your pension you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial where the schools aren't so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words. But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back. Don't get upset. It was just a little joke.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could get your money back. This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay. Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.

Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But-oh!--those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole. How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the charity of strangers. You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about?

You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear indictment-wise. What does that mean? You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility - note that I say "remote"- that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only be described as "checkered", plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You've got your mortgage!

Isn't that what happened when you applied for your mortgage? Don't all mortgage companies operate that way? Maybe you just got the wrong one.
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Chelsea's Letter Home

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further

unless you are sitting down ... OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,


P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.
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Chelsea's Marriage Plans

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!

I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."

Chelsea was heart-broken.

After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

"Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head.

"Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father...
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Air Force One Crashes...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural Maine. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.

The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"


"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. Are you sure?

"Well," the farmer sighed, "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
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Bill's Drink Order

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".
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Five Presidents on a Sinking Ship

Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg.

Ford screamed, 'What should we do?'
Reagan said, 'Man the lifeboats!'
Carter said, 'Women and children first.'
Nixon said, 'Screw the women and children.'
Clinton said, 'Do you think we have time?'
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General Purpose One-Liners

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I haven't had one yet."

The Native American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton lacks only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

In a heroic effort to downsize government, Clinton is now doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath (for Senate trials): "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth, as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the - if he - if 'is' means is and never has been, that is not - that is not the only one thing. It means there is none. That was a completely true statement." - Bill Clinton, August 1998.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Did you know that Bill Clinton asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom?
He said it more appropriately represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of its favorite son, Bill Clinton.
All the women that came forward during his trials and tribulations, and not one of them was his sister!

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Letter to John Hinckley

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill Clinton

P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.
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Bill Gives a Cadillac as a Gift

A world leader met with Clinton in the Oval Office. Bill said, "To show my appreciation for all the things you've done for our country, I want to present you with a brand new Cadillac. It's loaded! It has everything! Here you go. Here are the keys."

The other world leader said, "Now, Bill, you know that I can't accept that!"

Bill said, "Oh, yeah, right! Gift limits and all that! Here! I'll sell it to you for half a dollar!"

His guest said, "Okay, Mr. President," and gave him a dollar.

Bill said, "Oops! I don't have change!" He pocketed the dollar.

His guest said, "That's okay. I'll just take two Cadillacs."
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Clinton and The Pope Have 80% Agreement

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
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Hillary Wakes Up Bill and Says...

Hillary is lying in bed wide-eyed one night, and starts poking Bill in the back.

"Wake up," she says."

Bill just turns over and groans.

Again, she pokes him the back and says, "Bill, wake up!"

"What do you want?" he grunts in a sleepy voice.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she says.

"You woke me up just to tell me your going to the bathroom?"

"No," Hillary says. "I want you to save my place."
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Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson on Technique

Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson where in the restroom together. Bill looks down at Jesse's dick and exclaims, "Man, Jesse, how come that thang is so big?  "Well," Jesse says, "every night before I go to bed I whack it three times on the headboard."

"Man, does that really work?" asks Clinton.

Jesse answers, "Yep, go home and try it!"

Well Bill just couldn't wait to get home and try it. He tip-toes into his bedroom at the White House, quietly strips down and streaks across the bedroom, jumps on the bed, whacks his dick on the headboard, and Hillary sits up and says "Jesse, is that you?"

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Clinton's Dog...

The First Cat, Socks, is moving in with Bill Clinton's secretary, Betty Currie, in suburban Virginia. It seems Socks doesn't get along with the soon-to-be ex-president's dog, who's leaving the White House with the Clintons...

Trivia question: What's the name of Clinton's dog?

Answer: Hillary

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Clinton and Dubbya Getting Haircuts

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton decided to go over a few last minute details on the transfer of power while getting haircuts.

Clinton finished first, and the barber asked him, "What type of cologne would you like, the expensive or the cheap kind?"

"Give me the good stuff. I don't want Hilary thinking I was in a whorehouse."

Bush was finished a moment later and the barber asked him the same question. Bush replied, "Give me anything. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

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Pardon Me

Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him.

"Pardon me," the stock boy says.

"Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

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Bill Clinton Goes to Hell

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, But you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

"Like I get to pardon them, right?"

"Not them, Bill, just one, but yes, like a pardon."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed, diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.

"So the devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Kenneth Starr, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

For a moment Clinton stood silent in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Bill Clinton Monument Committee Fundraiser

Dear Friends and Relatives:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you,

Bill Clinton Monument Committee

PS: The committee has raised $1.35 so far!
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Bill Clinton Dies and Goes to...

Bill Clinton's time on earth expired and he found himself standing at the pearly gates.  St. Peter asked, "And who are you?"

Bill Clinton replied, "I am the former President of the United States, leader of the free world."

"And what can I do for you?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I would like to get in," said Bill.

"Ok, but first you need to confess your sins."

Bill Clinton thought for a bit then said, "I smoked marijuana, but you can't call it dope-smoking cause I didn't inhale.  I had extra-marital sexual relations, but you can't call it adultery cause we never had intercourse, and I made 'politically correct' statements, but you can't call it bearing-false witness because to my knowledge, I never committed perjury."

St. Peter consulted the big book and said, "Okay, here's the deal. We are going to send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it hell.  You will be there indefinitely, but we won't call it eternity.  And instead of abandoning all hope at the gate, just hold your breath!"
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A Letter to the FAA

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs:
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Bill Clinton
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Hillary Visits a Primary School

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.


"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.


"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell go 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"
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Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV, while I work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do ?

Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless :

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you're a United States Senator from New York now --- you don't need him anymore.
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Hillary is Pregnant

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming.

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?!"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.

In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
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An Old Man Wants to See President Clinton

An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and he no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. ...
I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

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