Phrases, Sayings, Tidbits of American (or?) English

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"The world is like a cucumber. Today it's in your hands, tomorrow it's up your ass."
 --An Arab saying


bullet Well I'll be damned!
bullet Well I'll be dipped in shit!
bullet Well I'll be dipped in dirty brown stuff!
bullet Well I'll be go to hell!
bullet Beat me with a stick and call me 'lumpy'!
bullet Well tie me to an ant bed and smear my ears with jam!
bullet Well spank me and call me daddy!
bullet Holy horseshit Batman!
bullet Balls and bilgewater!
bullet Roll me in sugar and call me a jelly doughnut!


Intelligence (or a lack thereof):

bullet As dumb as a post.
bullet If he had one more braincell he'd be an idiot.
bullet Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
bullet Doesn't have both oars in the water.
bullet A couple beers short of a six-pack.
bullet Not firing on all eight cylinders.
bullet His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
bullet A few clowns short of a circus.
bullet An experiment in artificial stupidity.
bullet The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
bullet All foam, no beer.
bullet Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
bullet He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
bullet As smart as bait.
bullet Chimney's clogged.
bullet Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
bullet His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
bullet His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
bullet Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
bullet Receiver is off the hook.
bullet His slinky's kinked.
bullet Too much yardage between the goal posts.
bullet That boy don't ride out the same day he saddles up.
bullet He's one french fry short of a Happy Meal.
bullet He's one bubble off plumb.
bullet I suppose you'd poke a bear with a short stick?
bullet The Guards are down and the bells are ringing but the train still ain't coming.
bullet It just goes in one ear and out the other.
bullet If he had a brain, he'd take it out and play with it.
bullet A few Kangaroos short in the top paddock


bullet You have more chance of crapping in the Queen's handbag.
bullet You have more chance of crapping in the Pope's trouser pocket.
bullet You have more chance of crapping in the President's trouser pocket.
bullet Wish in one hand, and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first.
bullet Life is hard, then you die.

Raising Teenagers is like...

bullet Nailing Jello to a tree
bullet Herding cats
bullet Trying to sandpaper a tigers arse in a barn

Tougher than...
bullet lips on a woodpecker
bullet woodpecker lips
bullet shoe leather
bullet Stuck between and rock and a hard place
bullet Suck's More'n a bucket of leeches

It's Colder Than...

bullet A Witch's tit in a brass bra
bullet A Witch's tit in a brass bra on the North side of a glacier in the middle of a blizzard in January
bullet A puddle of piss in November

Since we're in Texas, this seems appropo:

It's Hotter than...

bullet fish grease
bullet blue blazes
bullet who shot John
bullet a two dollar pistol
bullet seven kinds of hell
bullet a cowboy's cook stove
bullet a lizard's forehead
bullet pepper pudding
bullet the hinges of hell
bullet a camp-meeting sermon
bullet a Texas firecracker
bullet a hen in a wool sack
bullet a bucket of red ants
bullet a hunk of Hades out there
bullet a bug on a light bulb
bullet nine acres of burning tree stumps
bullet the devil's undershirt
bullet hot as a boiled owl
bullet two rats having sex in a wool sock
bullet a Hollywood hooker
bullet so hot my lawn furniture's standing on one leg
bullet so hot the lizards are fanning themselves
bullet so hot the corn in the fields was popping and the cows thought is was snow and froze to death
bullet so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs
bullet so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
bullet so hot I saw a coyote chasing a rabbit and they were both walking.

Jumpier Than...

bullet A long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs
bullet A cat on a hot tin roof.

So Confused...

bullet I don't know if I'm washin' or hangin' out
bullet I don't know if I'm coming or going
bullet I don't know if I'm coming or going to cum
bullet She doesn't know whether to shit or go blind.
bullet The boy is so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt
bullet Are you getting your murds wixed?

More Confused Than...

bullet A newborn in a titty bar
bullet A lesbian in a tuna cannery
bullet A lesbian in a fish market
bullet A Blind dog in a smoke house

Busier Than...

bullet A one-legged man in a butt-kickin' contest
bullet A one-armed paper hanger
bullet A puppy with two peters
bullet A three legged dog with diarrhea.

Been Killed More Times Than...

bullet Kenny on South Park

Happy As...

bullet A clam at high tide
bullet A gopher in soft dirt
bullet A pig in shit
bullet A puppy with two tails

So Low...

bullet Whale shit at the bottom of the ocean looks like clouds in the sky.
bullet He could crawl under a snake's belly.
bullet The only way to go is up.

Slicker Than...

bullet Shit
bullet Snot
bullet Frog snot on a watermelon seed!
bullet The inside of a can of thirty weight.
bullet Greased owl shit

As Much Fun As...

bullet A fart in a spacesuit.
bullet Sex in a Yugo.

Charm and Grace...
bullet The charm of an untipped waiter
bullet She's got two left feet.
bullet He can't walk and chew gum at the same time.
bullet He can charm the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Unreliability -- Untrustworthiness Worthlessness, Etc...
bullet If you believe that, I've got a bridge I'd like to show you.
bullet If you believe that, I've got some beachfront property in Arizona for you.
bullet He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.
bullet As useless as tits on a frog.
bullet As useless as an umbrella in a hurricane.
bullet As useless as a lead balloon.
bullet As useless as a screen door in a submarine.

Beauty -- or the Lack Thereof...

bullet She was beaten badly with the ugly stick.
bullet She must have hit every branch when she fell out of the ugly tree.
bullet A face only a mother could love
bullet Looks aren't everything; in her case, they aren't anything.
bullet His teeth are his own-- he just made the last payment on them.
bullet She looks like she was hit hard by menopause and dragged for fifty yards.

bullet Cute as a bug in a rug
bullet Pretty as a picture
bullet Pretty as a peach
bullet Pretty as a Georgia peach

Wishes, Providence, Preferences and Miscellaneous...
bullet If wishes was fishes we'd all have some fried.
bullet All things being equal, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
bullet The Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise.
bullet Looks like he's been rode hard and put up wet.
bullet He's a walking advertisement for birth control.
bullet The world is your oyster.
bullet Two things in life are certain... death and taxes.

bullet Makes you happy
bullet Winds your watch
bullet Gets you though the night
bullet Creams your twinkie
bullet Reduces your swelling
bullet Moistens your panties
bullet Tweeks your twizzler
bullet Floats your boat
bullet Blows your skirt up

bullet Chill out.
bullet Settle down.
bullet Get a grip.
bullet Sure you've got a headache, but don't take it out on me.
bullet Mother please, I'd rather do it myself.
bullet Take a pill.
bullet Take two, they're small.
bullet Don't get your panties in a bunch.
bullet Don't get your panties in a wad.
bullet Don't get your nickers in a twist.
bullet Things could be worse... you could be doing this in Afghanistan.

bullet She's so skinny she has to run around in circles in the shower to get wet.
bullet He's so skinny, when he turns sideways, he disappears.
bullet Why son, the shadow of your ass must weigh ten pounds! (from Good Morning, Vietnam)
bullet He has a big heart, and a stomach to match.
bullet He's so fat, when he takes a shower his feet don't get wet!
bullet Quick! Call Greenpeace.  I think that's a Japanese whaler circling her.

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