Drinking Jokes II

A baby penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Have you seen my dad?"
The bartender says, "What does he look like?"

The Distance Between Cork and Limerick 
I Think She's Cheating On Us 
Misunderstanding Her Response... 
A Duck Walks Into a Bar... 
He Said Something About a Job  
Getting a Barrel of Guinness Up the Stairs  
A Drunk Kisses a Stranger in a Bar
Judge Giving a Lecture on Drinking
Two Women Stop in a Cemetery to Pee
Two Deacons in a Bar
I'm Going to Give Up Drinking
Explain the Lipstick on Your Shirt
Man's Best Friend to the Rescue
A Homeless Guy and Two Homosexuals
Seems Like Marty's Getting Off Too Easy
A Most Effective Pick-up Line
A Drunk in a Confessional
He Wants 12-Year-Old Scotch
An Irishman Finds a Blue Ribbon Under His Kilt 
Harry's Wife Tries a New Approach 
The Stutterer and the Humpback 
Short Drinking Jokes  
Late Because He Bought Something for the House  
That Was a Crowbar From Sears  
Sean Comes Home Drunk
Judge Throws Up On His New Suit 10/17/02
Going to a Lecture at 2 A.M.
Things Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Drinking Martinis and Writing a Letter
How Many Stars is Your Hangover?
Arthur is Being Hassled by a Nun
Drunk Driver Hit a Stripper
We Need a New Cuckoo Clock
Discussing The Best Bar
Buy the Ballerina a Drink
A Guy Walks Into a Bar With a Turtle

A Drunken Irishman Finds a Blue Ribbon Under His Kilt

An Irishman goes to the local pub to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, like he does every day, and gets wasted out of his mind.  He stumbles outside when the bartender tells him that he's had enough, but he can barely walk.  So he leans up against a tree, where he passes out. 

A few minutes later, a couple of fine lassies go walking by.  One says to the other one, "Do you think they wear anything under those kilts?"  She admits that she doesn't know.  So they go to check it out. 

She lifts up the kilt and sees him in all his glory.  As they replace the kilt and get ready to walk away, an idea enters one of their heads.  "Give me your blue hair ribbon," she says.  Reluctantly, she hands it over.  She goes back over to the Irishman, lifts up the kilt, and ties the ribbon to him. They walk away laughing. 

A few hours later, the drunk gets up to take a piss. He stands up, walks over to the bushes, hikes up his kilt, looks down and sees the blue ribbon.  He thinks for a minute and says, "To be perfectly honest, I don't know how you got away, and I don't know what you did, and I don't know who you did it to, but I'm sure glad to see that you got first prize!"
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The Distance Between Cork and Limerick

A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor.

"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"

The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!" 

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Harry's Wife Tries a New Approach

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway."
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I Think She's Cheating On Us

With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.

"It's your wife."

"My wife? What about her?"

"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."

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The Stutterer and the Humpback

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."

The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."

The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."

The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
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Misunderstanding Her Response...

Two men at bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

The man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.

"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit her pants."
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Short Drinking Jokes

After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time.

Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you here!"

The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"

New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.

Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the h*ll did she do that?"

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.

This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN!"

Bill sat at The Local Bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up, "I'll bet you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can't wheel it back."

Bill looked over the skinny stranger and decided it wasn't much of a challenge. "I'll" take you on," he said.

The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. "Now let's see what you're made of," taunted Bill.

"Okay," said the challenger. "Get in."

Sitting at the bar, glum Roger told the barkeeper that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. "Yeah," said Roger, "would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"

"No way in hell ," the bartender said.

"Well," said Roger, "neither would my fiancée."
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A Duck Walks Into a Bar...

A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean...I've never seen a talking duck," says the barman.

"Have you ever seen a duck drinking beer?"


"You will as soon as you pour me one." answers the duck.

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?"

"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour."  The duck drinks his beer, wiggling his tail happily. And just like he said, every day he waddles over from his job and has his lunch time lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town.  The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get this duck to join your circus," he says.  "Everyone would love to see a talking duck."

The circus man nods his agreement and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.

The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as usual. The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah.  You could make a lot of money there.  I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's the one with those big canvas tents, isn't it?"

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow.  The circus owner's crazy about the idea."

The duck looked very puzzled. "But why would he want to hire a plasterer?"
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Telling Jokes By the Numbers

A new guy in the neighborhood walks into a local bar and orders a beer. The place is full of regulars talking and drinking. Suddenly one fellow at the end of the bar stands up and says, "Hey everybody, 16!" and the room erupts into laughter.

Another guy at a table stands up and says, "I've got a better one...22!" Again the whole bar starts laughing.

The new guy calls the bartender over and asks, "I'm really confused here. What's with the numbers?"

"Well," the bartender answers, "the same guys have been coming in here for years. After telling the same jokes over and over again we finally just numbered them. Now whenever anybody wants to tell a joke all he has to do is call out the number and everyone knows exactly what he's talking about."

"Incredible," says the guy. Wanting to seem like a regular Joe he decides to participate in the custom. He stands up, clears his throat and calls out, "12!" Every single person turns to stare at him in complete silence.

Much embarrassed he sits down to his beer. The bartender comes over and tsk tsks at him. "What did I do wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing," replied the bartender. "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
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He's Late Because He Bought Something for the House

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to help him, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answered, "A round of drinks!"
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He Said Something About a Job

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scottish bloke - 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the Liverpudlian.

Leaning over towards the Scotsman he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?" At this the big guy leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar and leaves him bruised and battered in the car park before returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure," the Scouser replies, "something about a job."
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Getting a Barrel of Guinness Up the Stairs

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbors!"

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
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That Was a Crowbar From Sears

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"--bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
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A Drunk Kisses a Stranger in a Bar

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Who would marry you you worthless, wretched, no good, piece of shit drunk?!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound like her."
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Sean Comes Home Drunk

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the misses.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down

"I can't" he said, "I've drank it!"
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Judge Giving a Lecture on Drinking

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
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Judge Throws Up On His New Suit

One night a district judge went out on a binge and threw up all over his new suit. He came home that night, disrobed then passed out next to his wife.

The next morning his wife woke him up and asked him what happened to his suit.

"Well," the judge replied, "last night I decided to ride around with the city police while they made a few arrests on some drunk drivers. They loaded a drunk up in the car and he threw up all over me. But don't worry dear, this morning when he comes before me in court, I'll make sure he pays enough to clean my suit."

That morning in court his wife called him up on the telephone. She asked, "John have you run that drunk through court, that threw up on your suit?"

The judge answered, "No."

She replied, "Well you'd better charge him a lot more cause he shit your pants, too."

Version 2:

Judge Flynn has his shoes in his hand and is sneaking out of the house when his wife Maura catches him.

Maura: "And where do you think you're sneaking off to?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - there's to be a political meeting at the Irish Catholic Social Club this evening and I must attend as it is about my judgeship."

Maura: "Flynn, if there's any drinking, there will be no living with me."
Judge Flynn: "Oh, no my dear - this is strictly a political meeting."

And, off Flynn goes for an evening of carousing with the boys. He comes home at 2 AM, snot-flying drunk, balls his clothes up, throws them in the laundry, gets fresh clothes, catches a few winks on the couch and sneaks out before herself is awake.

At 9:30 AM he is hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides a note onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife, she says its urgent!"

So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.

Maura: "Ye bastid Flynn! Didn't I tell you if you went out drinking they'd be no living with me?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh my dear there was no drinking."
Maura: "Then what's this vomit doing all down the front of your suit, shirt and necktie?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - when I came out of the meeting there was this terrible drunken man that came up and vomited right down the front of me. But I called the boys in blue and they threw him into the wagon and he'll be up before me this morning. I'll give that boyo thirty days in jail for his trouble!"

Maura: "Well, see that you do!"

At 10:00 AM he is still hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides other note onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife again, she says its urgent!"

So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.

Maura: "And has that terrible drunken man been up before you - the one that's going to get thirty days in jail?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh no my dear but when he comes up - it's thirty days for him!"
Maura: "No darling, give him ninety days."
Judge Flynn: "That seems excessive - why ninety days?"
Maura: "Because he shit your pants too!"

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Two Women Stop in a Cemetery to Pee

Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, " We have to be on the look-out. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."

The other responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
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Going to a Lecture at 2 A.M.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture."

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife."
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Two Deacons in a Bar

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
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Things Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!
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I'm Going to Give Up Drinking

"I'm going to give up this drinking," Brian said to his friend. "I got so drunk last night that I just barely staggered home and managed to drag myself up the stairs to the bedroom."

"So what's so bad about that?" his friend Paul asked.

"Well, when I opened the bedroom door," Brian said "I found that I was already in bed making love to my wife."
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Explain the Lipstick on Your Shirt

George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing another woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
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Man's Best Friend to the Rescue

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
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Drinking Martinis and Writing a Letter

Two old friends, both retired, always made a point of writing to each other during the yearend holidays. This one holiday, as usual, one sat down and typed the following:

Dear Pal:

Well, here it is, the end of another year, and as is my custom, I take out a little time to write a few of my good friends. It is the time when I remember all the good things that have happened to me in the past twelvemonth; when I reflect on the value of the friendships I have cherished over the years and when, in fact, I indulge myself to the extent of waxing a bit sentimental.

It's a snowy evening, the doorbell rings intermittently, but here in my den it is cozy and comfortable and peaceful. I'm sitting before a nice open fire with my typewriter, sort of half-listening to the strains of Mendelssohn's "A Midsummer Night's Dream," and slowly sipping a nice, very dry double Martini. I surely wish you were here but since you are not, the least I can do is toast your health and happiness for the coming year. So, time out, old pal, while I bend my elbow with thoughts of you.

I just took a recess to mix another Martini and while I was out in the kitchen I thought of all the time I would waste during the evening, chasing back and forth, so I just made up a big picher of martinees and brouggt it back in with me so I'd have it right here beside me and wouldnt have to wast time making more of them. S, now I'm all set and here goes, pal! Besides Marinis are a great drink. For some reason they nevr seem to have the effecr on me in the slightest that they have on oter fellas. Can drinj them all day longg so here goes.

The greatest think in tje whole word is friendship. A n believe me pal you are the greatet pal anybody every had. do you rember all the swel; times wehad to gether pal/ The wonferful times on the road as sales repz I8ll never forgt the time we were in Tledo and met that babe in the swlloon that gorjus redhesd. You rascl you. I remenber you kept puting brandey in my drinj whehn I wasennt looking and it made me sicj and you rascale you snuck ofd with theredheed bab. Ha. ha. Boy hoew we laughd dint't we. It was pretty funny anywah. I still laught abot it onec in whiel. Not as mcuch as usd to. Byut whag the hell after all you stilk my bedst old pal pal. And if a guy canot havr a laughg with a treu froe, med once in a wihle waht the f*%&-.

Escue me. Pictcher was empt8 so I just mde nother one. hot dam. I sure widsh yoi were her olf pal help me drinj thes Martuni because they arw simptly delidious. I lifty my glasx to you good health oncemore you are the bests pall I got. Of cours why a pal would do a dirrty fudking thing like that load up a pals drinj with branidy mak him sick as a dof, lousyt thing for antbody to do, onlhy a firdt class pruck wold do a thing lije that. Wasnet a bit funny and if yoi thinj its funnyu you are aboyt the worsr dhit heeel I evfre had the midforyune to make the aquantentce of you sonb of birfh lous and as far as O am concerbed yot can go to helk and on th way kisa my ads.

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How Many Stars is Your Hangover?

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now....
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A Homeless Guy and Two Homosexuals

A homeless guy is laying in a alley drunk and passed out when two homosexuals walk bye and notice the man and decide to screw him. Well when they got done they left him five dollars on his chest and left.

The homeless guy wakes up in the morning and finds the money and goes straight to the beer store and tells the guy at the cash register that he wants the cheapest thing he can buy and then left. He got drunk and passed out in same alley as the night before and the two homos come by and do it to him again and leave five dollars again.

After two nights in a row, the third night the drunk falls again in the same alley and passes out. But this time the homos decide he's a pretty good sport, so they leave a hundred dollars on his chest. In the morning the drunk discovers the hundred and goes back to the same beer store and tells the clerk "gimme the most expensive thing you got, that cheap stuff is tearing my ass up"
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Seems Like Marty's Getting Off Too Easy

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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Arthur is Being Hassled by a Nun

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunk Nun again is it?"
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A Most Effective Pick-up Line

A drunk spends most of his evening at his favorite bar, drinking heavily. He notices one particular guy who seems to have a lot of luck with the ladies. He would approach a different one every night, and whisper something in her ear. Sometimes they would leave immediately, and sometimes they would sit and talk for a while first, but he seemed to almost always score.

One night the drunk approached the young man and asked him his secret.

"Well," said the guy, "I whisper in their ear, and ask 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she's wild, she agrees immediately and I take her home. If she gets offended, and says 'What did you say?' then I say, 'I said, particularly nasty weather.' Then, she's embarrassed for what she thought I said, and I use her apology to strike up a conversation."

This sounded like a great plan, and the drunk determined to implement it immediately. He spied a pretty young lady, approached her, and then slurred, a little too loudly, in her ear. "Shtick a feather up your ass?"

The woman was horrified. "I beg your pardon!?" she shouted.

The drunk staggered back a step and hollered, "I shaid, ish rainin' like fuck tonight, ain't it?"
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A Drunk in a Confessional

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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Drunk Driver Hit a Stripper

A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits her. She goes flying into the air, and lands unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the firthst ting we gotta do is get dat guy outta there!"
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We Need a New Cuckoo Clock

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys."

I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled."
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He Wants 12-Year-Old Scotch

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!"

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling, "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!"

To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."
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Discussing The Best Bar

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink."

The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis Place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid."

"Wow," say the other two. "That's fantastic. Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
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Buy the Ballerina a Drink

A big woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointing around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink."

The bartender approached the drunk and asked, "Say, it's your business, of course, if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Sir, to me, any woman who can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
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A Guy Walks Into a Bar With a Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"

"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"



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