Ethnic Amusement
...and some people consider this to be racist.
Ethnic Amusement II

You can get Ethnic Humor from Around the World at
Italian Jokes (on it's own page)
Jewish Jokes
(on it's own page)
Polish Jokes (on it's own page)
Cajun Humor (on it's own page) 
Canadian Humor (on it's own page) 
Irish Jokes  (on it's own page)
African-American Jokes  (on it's own page)
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman...
Hans Olaffsen's Laundry
Ole and Lena on Their Honeymoon
Ethnic One-Liners
Yim Yohnston
Jacob Levy Goes to a Brothel
Hawaiian Bus Driver and a Busload of Penguins
A Beautiful Lass Looks Under a Scotsman's Kilt
Sven and Ole Apply for Unemployment
A Spic, a Ni___r and a Honky Find a Magic Lamp 
The Pope and the Queen of England... 
A Jew Selling Ties in the Middle of the Desert 
Puerto Rican Jokes 
American Jokes (on it's own page)
Mexican Jokes
(on it's own page)
O'Sullivan Fencing
Asian Jokes
Australian Jokes (on it's own page)
Dumb Norwegian Joke
Stranded on a Beautiful Island...
Nadine Has an OB-GYN Appointment
O'neil Gets Revenge
(on our revenge page)
Blatant Racial Discrimination
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian
Sammy Davis Jr. on a Bus in Mississippi 
Olie and Lena Take and Airplane Ride 
Four Men are Going to Jump off a Building  
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes 
Sven and Olie Get Adventurous  
An Eskimo's Wife Gets Lost in New York City  
You Expect Me to Take Shit From a Jew?
Pakistani Humor 11/27/2004

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
-Denis Leary



An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman...

are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are...

The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...

The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive...

The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...

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O'Sullivan Fencing

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in ate the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of chain link, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
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Hans Olaffsen's Laundry

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.

The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, " Hans Olaffsen." She look at me say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting."
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Asian Jokes

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
Sum Ting Wong (something wrong)

What do you get when you cross a Chinese person and a hooker?
Someone who'll suck your laundry clean.

What do you call a fat Chinaman?
A Chunk.

What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Q: Why do Chinese men have slanted eyes?
A: Trying to see their dick.

Q: What do Chinese and black queers have in common?
A: They both give bro jobs.

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: What is a cloak?
A: The mating call of a Chinese toad.

Q: How do the Chinese say 69?
A: Tu-can-chu! 

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: What is a cloak?
A: The mating call of a Chinese toad.

Q: How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?
A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Having sex with a Chinese woman may be satisfying at the time but......1/2 hour later you need sex again!

Did you know that over 20% of the Chinese population have cataracts?  

The other 80% drive Rincolns.

Q: Did you hear about the crisis the young Chinese lady and her African American fiancé had?
A: Their relatives were against them getting married because they were afraid that their children would grow up to be Chiggers.

The Japanese are sending over a few cases of Viagra to America.
They were told that the Americans continue to have trouble with their elections.


An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72.

Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.

The lady says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"


A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.

"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little pigs . . . "


A Chinese man had three daughters.  He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground!", said the youngest daughter.


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one of us is Chinese.

It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

A Chinese man and his wife close the restaurant, go home and begin to make love. Things are getting pretty hot and heavy when the man says, "How about a little sixty-nine?"

The woman jumps out of the bed and says angrily, "You want chicken and broccoli now!?"


A Jew is visiting China. He goes into a restaurant. The waiter asks him what he would like. The Jew asks the waiter, "Do you have any Jews in China?"

The waiter looks confused and says, "just a moment please," and disappears into the kitchen.

A few minutes later, the waiter returns and says, "No, sir, we only have juice in oranges and tomatoes!"


A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:



See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
Do you know the lyrics to the Macerena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

Chinese Wisdom...

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chop stick go hungry.
Passionate kiss like spider's web: soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who jack off in cash register, bound to come into money

Woman who fly upside-down, have hairy crack-up

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a fine Japanese hotel.

Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes . . . I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?
G: What?

RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?

RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so

RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes means."

RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine.  Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter--just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?

RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
    and copy--rye?
G: Whatever you say.

RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.

The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!

The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.

Fifteen things you do not want to hear your Chinese surgeon say during surgery:

15. Sparky! You comma back here with that! Bad Doggie...
14. Someone call janitor - we gonna need a mop.
13. Darn, there go dumb lights again...
12. What you mean, "You want divorce"!
11. Now we remove brain and stick in body of ape.
10. You better save that. We need for autopsy.
9. Wait a minute, if this spleen, then what heck that?
8. Uh oh! I just lose Rolex in patient.
7. "Ya know, big money in kidneys. Don't worry, guy got two of 'em.
6. Everybody stand back! Contact lens fall out!
5. Hey you, you stop that thing from beatin'? It throw my concentration off...
4. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord O Darkness"
3. What you mean he wasn't in for sex change....!
2. Nurse, did patient sign organ donator card?

And the number 1 thing you don't want to hear your Chinese surgeon say during surgery:
1. "So, you funny guy that make up joke site about Chinese people...."

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Dumb Norwegian Joke

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven. father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."
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Ole and Lena on Their Honeymoon

Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.

Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.

They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you want to."

So Ole drives to Duluth.
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Stranded on a Beautiful Island...

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
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Ethnic One-Liners

Q: How can you spot a Jewish Ethiopian?
A: He's the one with a Rolex around his waist.

Q: Did you hear about the Instant lotto game in India?
A: You scratch the card and if the dot on the card matches the one on your head you win a convenience store in the US.

What's the Irish version of foreplay?
"Brace yourself, Mary Katherine!"

Jewish foreplay?
A trip to the jewelry store followed by half and hour of begging.

Puerto Rican foreplay?
"Is your husband back from work yet, Carol?"

Did you hear that Alitalia and El Al are merging to form a new airline?
It's going to be called "Well I'll Tell Ya."

An Asian, a Black, and a Jew are all lined up next to the edge of a cliff and they all jump off at the same time...who lands first?
Who cares.

An Asian, a Black, and a Mexican are in a car...who's driving?
A policeman.

Q: What is the most useless thing on a Polish woman's body?
A: A Polish Man!

Q. What is a Japanese girl's favorite day?
A. Erection day.

Q: What do you call 120 white men chasing after one black man?
A: The PGA.

Q. What do you get when you cross a black with a Japanese?
A. Someone who on December 7th has an uncontrollable urge to attack Pearl Bailey.

Q. Did you hear about the black boy that had diarrhea?
A. He thought he was melting.

Q: What's so great about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
A: You know she'll drink every drop.

Q. How do you get forty Haitians in a shoe box?
A. Tell them it floats.

Q. What's white and twelve inches long?
A. Nothing

Did you hear about the Japanese factory that spray-painted all their new robots black?
They were two hours late to work the next day.

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

What has 122,000 legs and an I.Q. of 30?
The entire New York St. Patrick's Day parade!

Q. What's the difference between a Jewish woman and Jello?
A. Jello wiggles when you eat it!

What the difference between Mufasa (the lion in the Disney movie "The Lion King") and O.J. Simpson?
One's an African lion and the other's a lyin' African.

If people from Poland are called poles, why aren't people from Holland called holes?

The Rolling Stones say "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
A Scottsman say's "Hey Macloud! Get off of my ewe!!"

Yo mama is so stupid she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

Q. What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?
A. A spec.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Pole and a Chicano?
A. A kid who spray-paints his name on a chain-link fence.

Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips.

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian baby?
A. A quarter-pounder.

Q. What's the difference between a black guy and a pepperoni pizza?
A. The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future, either

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q: How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? 
A: Ever try to take a rib away from a black man!

Q: What do you call two Orientals in a Trans Am? 
A: The gooks of hazard!

Q: Why is Polish and polish spelled the same way? 
A: Because Webster didn't know shit from shinola!

Q: How do you starve a black person?
A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots!

Q: What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that no one wants to call a black person?
A: Neighbor

Q: Do you know why the British ships came back from the Falkland Islands full of sheep? 
A: War brides!

Q: Do you know why Jews don't eat pussy?
A: It's to close to the gas chamber.

Q: What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's ass??
A: A mechanic!

Q: Why do they put cotton in aspirin bottles?
A: So that black people know that before they did drugs they picked cotton.

Q: What's red, white, and blue and floats down the river?
A: A dead white boy that tells black jokes.

Amish pickup line:
Are thee up for some plowing?

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy, but the werewolf smells better.

Q: Why do the French have tree-lined streets?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade!

Q: How do French women hold there licker?
A: By the ears!

When Disney opened Euro Disney in Paris, they set off fireworks, as is tradition. The next day France surrendered.

Q: What is the difference between an American and Yogurt? 
A: If you leave the Yogurt out long enough it will develop a culture.

Q: How can you tell when an Indian reaches maturity?
A: He takes the rag off his ass and wraps it around his head!

Q. Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?
A. Nobody has told him that he is black!

Q: How does Cuba train their swimmers for the Olympics?
A: They put up a sign at the end of the pool that says 'United States Border'!

Q.  Why did the Pole buy his wife a wig?
A.  He heard that she was getting balled at the office.

Q: Why do Jews put their trash in clear bags?
A: So the Dagos can go window shopping!

Q: What do George Washington and Thomas Jefferson have in common?
A: They are the last white folks to have those last names.

Q: Why can't you circumcise a Scotsman?
A: You have to be a complete dick to be a Scotsman!

Q: Did you hear that Salman Rushdie has written another book after Satanic Verses?
A: It's called: Buddha was a fat fucker!

Q: How do you clear out a bingo hall in Iraq?  
A: Yell out "B-52."

Q: What do you get when you cross a gay Eskimo and a black?
A: A snowblower that doesn't work!

Q. What's an African American Fortune Cookie?
A. A piece of cornbread with a food stamp baked inside.

Q: What six words does a white man never want to hear?
A: "Hi, I be yo new neighbor!"

Q: Why was the Polish firing squad never successful?
A: They stood in a circle!

Q: What is Irish and has an IQ of 144 ?
A: A gross of Irishmen.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: What's a Mexican car pool?
A: Four beaners pushing an automobile to the unemployment office.

Q: What's green, blue, yellow, red, purple and orange?
A: An Italian all dressed up!

Q: Why did Jesse Jackson's mother keep roosters in her back yard?
A: To teach little Jesse how to strut. 

Q: What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Thai?
A: A Spy!

Q: A Puerto Rican and a Chinese?
A: A Spink!

Q: Why can't you get a good blow job in Puerto Rico?
A: Because all the cocksuckers are over here!

Q: What's the fastest animal in the world?
A: The Ethiopian chicken!

Q: The second fastest?
A: The Ethiopian chasing after it!

Q: Where do they put the pictures of lost children on milk cartons in Ethiopia?
A: On the UPC bar code in the lower left-hand corner.

Q: Did you hear about Robbie Knievel's new stunt?
A: He's gonna ride through Ethiopia with a sandwich tied to his bumper.

Q: What is brown and white and rolls through the sand?
A: An Ethiopian and a seagull fighting over a chip!

Q. Why are there no movie theaters in Ethiopia?
A. Because they can't keep the seats down!

Q: How do you recognize a gay Hindu?
A: He has a red dot on the back of the head!

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Nadine Has an OB-GYN Appointment

Nadine the Ukrainian girl was raised several miles north of the big city. She had never left the farm before, and when she was around 19 or 20 she decided maybe she should go see a doctor in the city, and get things checked out and see if she was ok. So away Nadine went to the doctor.

The doctor had her naked on his little table with her legs spread apart and he was shining a flashlight up her crotch. So the doctor asked Nadine - "Tell me Nadine, Have you ever had a checkup here before?"

Nadine the Ukrainian answered,

"No, just Ukes and Poles".
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Yim Yohnston

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.

"Yale," replied the lad.

"And what's your name?" asked the manager.

"Yim Yohnston," he replied.
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Jacob Levy Goes to a Brothel

Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.

The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."

Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt Lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."

"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"

To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."
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Blatant Racial Discrimination

The first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination,' I'll give you a cookie."
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Hawaiian Bus Driver and a Busload of Penguins

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he sees Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"

"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
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A Beautiful Lass Looks Under a Scotsman's Kilt

A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade. Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, "Is it true, what they say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts?"

The Scotsman replied, "Well, lass, you'll just have to take a wee peek and discover for yourself."

She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately, she dropped it and said, "Aye, 'tis gruesome!"

To which he replied, "Best look again, lass, I think it's grew some more!
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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Sven and Ole Apply for Unemployment

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went together to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found, he was furious. He stormed back in to the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven pulls them down on his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter."
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A Spic, a Ni___r and a Honky Find a Magic Lamp

A spic, a ni___r and a honky were walking together through the desert and stumbled upon a lamp. The honky grabs it up and rubs it hoping for a genie. Lo and behold, a genie pops out and decides to give all three of them one wish instead of the usual 3 for 1.

The spic goes first and wishes that all of his Mexican amigos in the U.S. return to Mexico, proud and independent. POOF! all the spics in the U.S. are back in Mexico.

The ni___r goes next and wishes for all of his fellow ni___rs to return to Africa, proud and independent. POOF! all of the ni___rs are back in Africa.

The honky goes next and says, "You mean to tell me all of the Spics and Ni___rs are out of the United States?" The Genie nods, yes. The honky happily replies, 'Well then I'll just have a Coke"
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Sammy Davis Jr. on a Bus in Mississippi

Sammy Davis Jr. got on a bus in Jackson, Mississippi. The bus driver looked at him and said, "Hey, ni___r, get to the back of the bus."

Sammy Davis Jr. said, "Wait a minute...wait a minute! I'm Jewish!"

The bus driver spat and said, "Get off!"
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The Pope and the Queen of England...

The queen of England and the Pope were seated side by side on the platform at an event. After speaking together the subject of the innate powers of their respective offices came up.

"Isn't it curious that with a wave of my hand I can bring this crowd to its feet, cheering," said her majesty. "Quite to the contrary," said the Pope, "I can, with a nod of my head, cause every Irishman in the world to rise to his feet, cheering."

"My dear man I would like to see that," said the Queen. With that the Pope head-butted her! 
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A Jew Selling Ties in the Middle of the Desert

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?". The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robe."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
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Olie and Lena Take and Airplane Ride

Olie and his wife Lena went to the state fair every year, every year Olie would say, "Lena, I'd like to ride in that there airplane," and every year Lena would say, "I know Olie, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Olie and Lena went to the fair and Olie said, "Lena, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Lena replied, "Olie that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Olie and Lena agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Olie "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Olie replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Lena fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
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Four Men are Going to Jump off a Building

Four men - an East Indian, a Japanese, a Black man, and a white man gathered at the top of a 30-story building.

The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Japanese said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Black man said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man off.
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Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

Introducing Willie Wong's Best Educational Seller: "Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes"
English:  He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese:  Wa Shing Ka
English:  This is a tow away zone
Chinese:  No Pah King
English:  Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese:  Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English:  Small Horse
Chinese:  Tai Ni Po Ni
English:  Your price is too high!!!
Chinese:  No Bai Nut Ding!!!
English:  Did you go to the beach
Chinese:  Wai Yu So Tan?
English:  I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese:  Ai Bang Mai Ni
English:  It's very dark in here
Chinese:  Wai So Dim?
English:  Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese:  Hao Long Wei Ting?
English:  I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese:  Wai Yu Mun Ching?
English:  They have arrived
Chinese:  Hai Dei Kum
English:  Your body odor is offensive
Chinese:  Yu Stin Ki Pu
English:  You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese:  Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English:  I got this for free
Chinese:  Ai No Pei
English:  Stay out of sight
Chinese:  Lei Lo
English:  Phew!  Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese:  Hu Flung Dung?
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Puerto Rican Jokes

A mamma skunk, baby skunk, mamma rabbit, and baby rabbit were standing by the side of the road waiting to cross.  The mamas told the babies to stay back, they would make sure it was safe. 

All of a sudden, a truck came past and ran the mamas over. 

The babies were devastated.  The baby rabbit said to the baby skunk, "What are we going to do?  I was just born, and I don't even know what I am!" 

"Don't worry" said the baby skunk.  "HMMM!!  Let's see.  You're white, you have a fluffy tail, a pink nose, big must be a baby rabbit!" 

"Oh, you are right, now I feel better!" said the rabbit. 

Now the baby skunk thought about it.  "Well, I don't know what I am...what do you think?" 

"Oh, that's are not all black, not all white, you stink like hell, and your mama's dead.  You must be Puerto Rican!"

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Rican doctors?
A: Because you can't write prescriptions with spray paint!

Q: What are the differences between an Italian and a Puerto Rican?
A: Not too many...the Italian just has a job.

Q:  What would the mini-series 'Roots' be called if it was about Puerto Ricans?
A:  Weeds!

Q:  Why did the cops in New York take the emergency number '911' off their cop cars?
A:  Puerto Ricans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches!

Q.  Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A.  Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949!

Q: Why can't you get a decent blow job in Puerto Rico?
A: Because all the cocksuckers are over here.

Q: What's the best selling underarm deodorant in Puerto Rico?
A: Raid!

Q: Did you hear about the enterprising Puerto Rican who made a fortune?
A: He sold maternity first-communion dresses!

Q: What are the first three words a Puerto Rican child hears when he arrives in the U.S.?
A: Attention K-Mart shoppers!

Q: Why did the cops in New York take the emergency number '911' off the squad cars?
A: Puerto Ricans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches!

Q: If a Norwegian and a Puerto Rican are having a foot race through a tunnel, who will eventually win?
A: The Norwegian--the Puerto Rican will stop frequently to write graffiti on the walls!

Q: Did you hear about the Puerto Rican grade school dropout who came to New York and through hard work made himself rich, even though he only knew three words of English?
A: Those three words were, "Stick 'em up."

Q: What's the Puerto Rican national flower?
A: Mildew.

Q: What happened when the Puerto Rican called the suicide hotline?
A: They told him he had a pretty good idea.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran into a Puerto Rican bar and yelled, "Fire!"?
A: Everyone did.

The Newlyweds

A Puerto Rican couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Preciosa (precious), I'll be right back."

"Where are you going Papi chulo (sexy baby) ?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Mamasita (sexy woman). I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer, Mi Amor (my love)?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, mi mujer linda (my beautiful woman), but the know...the frozen glass..."  He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, mi precioso?"  She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, mi dulce (sweetie), but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.  I won't be long. I'll be right back.  I promise..OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres cariño (my love)?"  She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.  "But, but, querida!!  At the know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words mi hombre macho (tough guy)?!?!!  TOMA (take) TU FUCKING CERVEZA IN JOR (your) FUCKING FROZEN COPA (cup) AND COMÉ (eat) TU FUCKING SNACKS, PORQUE ('cause) JU (you) AIN'T GOING NOGWHERE!!! (nowhere)  GOT IT MARICON (faggot)!!"

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Sven and Olie Get Adventurous

Sven and Olie were vacationing and attended their first fair. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel. "Oh, Olie," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."

Olie, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride." Olie couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Olie had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun. After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Olie," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."

"Oh, I don't tink so." says Olie. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster." Again Olie couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Olie had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad. After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump "Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Olie. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."

Oh, I don't tink so," says Olie. "Dat's much too dangerous.

Dis is vare I draw da line." "Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."

"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Olie. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by yimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay.
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An Eskimo's Wife Gets Lost in New York City

One day, an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native village, and it wasn't long before the wife got lost. The Eskimo husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.

When he got there, a police officer asked for his wife's description.

"What's that?" asked the Eskimo.

"Well, you see, a 'description' is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11", weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?" 

"Forget her!" exclaimed the Eskimo. "Let's go look for yours!"
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Pakistani Humor

A couple from Pakistan decided to visit England. When they reached the border, immigration stopped them to look at their passports and ask a few questions. 

When the guard looked at the passport, he asked the Pakistani man, "What is your name?" 

He replied, "Habib." 

Then the guard asked, "How old are you?"

The Pakistani man replied, "I am dir-ty." 

The guard said, "I know you are dirty, but how old are you?" 

"Dir-ty,"  was his response. 

The guard realized there was no hope in asking him that again so he decided to ask, "How old is your wife?" as he looked at her passport. 

The Pakistani man answered, "She is dir-ty-two!"


A married couple was on vacation in Pakistan.  They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.  From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You American foreigners, come in." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.  The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."  Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife had not seen in many years ... raw sexual, power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"


A Paki is standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Just then a dog walks by and drops two big turds right next to him. 

Soon after, the bus arrives and the door opens.  The Paki asks the bus driver, "How much for the bus ride?" 

The bus driver answers, "Two dollars for you, sir, and a dollar for each of your two kids there."


A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not find any place to piss and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.

As soon as he had started to piss, a Delhi Police official approached him, saying, "Hey, what do you think you're doing here?"

The Pakistani tourist said, "Sorry, I have to Pee."

The Police official replied, "No pissing here okay?  Follow me."

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.  The Police official told the Pakistani tourist, "Piss here and have a nice day".

The Pakistani tourist turned to the Police official and said, "Oh Sir, that's very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"

"No," said the Police official, "this is The Pakistani Embassy!"


Nawaz Sharif wanted to raise money for his Country, and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:


Mian Sahib was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:


Abbajee was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered Mian Nawaz Sharif not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:


This was too much for the Abbajee, so he ordered Nawaz Sharif to get rid of the donkey. Mian Sahib decided to give it to Benazir Bhutto. The paper headline the next day read:


All the opposition leaders got very upset at this publicity. They informed Benazir that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for Rs: 500. Next day the headline read:


This was too much for the veteran opposition leader, Nawabzada Nasrullah Khan, so he ordered Benazir to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:


The Nawabzada was buried the next day and Pakistan got rid of the biggest Ass it had produced in the bargain.


Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training.

"Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!"

"But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha.

"Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

Q: What do you call a Paki with a dot in the middle of his forehead?
A: A push start!

Q: What do you call a Paki with a rag on his head?
A: A pull start!

Q: What do u call a Paki with a bloody face?
A: A kick start!

Q:  Why do flies have wings?
A:  So they can beat the Pakis to the shit!

Q: Why are the Pakis lousy soccer players?
A: Every time they get in a corner, they put up a store!

Q: What' the difference between a Paki and a microwave?
A: Nothing...they both go 'bud bud ding'!

Q: What do you call a Paki with no arms?
A: Trustworthy!

Q: How many cops did it take to push the Paki down the stairs?
A: None...he fell!

Q: Did you hear of the new Paki Barbie Doll?
A: It comes with 12 kids, TB, Rickets and a welfare cheque!

Q: What is the difference between a female Paki and a catfish?
A: One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

Q: How many Pakis can one fit in a telephone booth?
A: It depends what the rent is! 

Q: What is a Paki limo?
A: A garbage truck with Mercedes hubcaps!

Q: What do you say to a Paki in uniform?
A: I'll have a Big Mac, Coke and fries!

Q: Why do Paki's have that red dot on their foreheads?
A: Scratch 3 the same color and you win a slurpee.

Whenever you see a Paki woman with the dot on her forehead, she is referred to as being "cable ready!"

Q: What do you call 500 Pakis running around in a circle?
A: The Hindu 500!

Top 10 reasons the 9/11 terrorists were not Pakistani...

10. 8:45a.m. is too early for most Pakistanis.

9. Pakistanis are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights.

8. They would've discussed their plans so damn loud that security wouldn't let them anywhere near the terminal.

7. On the flight they'd be busy trying to steal as many of those free colognes, toothbrushes, and other free toiletries available in the bathroom; and then try to stuff as many of those headphones into their pockets to bring home to all their family members.

6. They would be too busy checking out and weighing the airhostesses’ legs and boobs to worry about crashing the plane .

5. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport would be a Toyota, not a Ford.

4. They would be too busy making their hair.

3. Talking behind each other's backs would start a big fight on the plane.

2. They could never fly alone and their mum, dad, grandmothers, grand fathers, uncles and aunts and half their village would also be on the plane so it's unlikely they would crash it.

1. They'd get homesick, realize that they have an airplane in their possession and try to wing it to Pakistan.


A Hindu, missing his beloved sacred cattle from the old country, decides to go out and buy himself a cow. When he arrives at a farm with cattle for sale, the farmer shows him his herd, from which the Hindu picks out one cow that he likes.

"I want that one", he tells the farmer. "But one question," he asks, "Can you deliver the cow?"

"No problem," says the farmer.

"Where would you like it delivered to?"

"To my apartment in Toronto", the Hindu answers.

"You wanna keep a cow in your apartment?!" says the surprised farmer.

"Oh yes, it will fit in the freight elevator no problem," says the Hindu.

"But what about the smell?" asks the farmer.

The Hindu answers, "Don't worry, the cow will get used to it."

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You Expect Me to Take Shit From a Jew?

O'Reilly and Cohen were partners as honey dippers.  That is, they cleaned out cesspools for a living.  O'Reilly went down into the cesspool and passed buckets of the contents up to Cohen. 

At then end of the day, Cohen went home, scrubbed his hands, and was OK.  O'Reilly went home, but no matter how hard he scrubbed himself in a hot shower, he still stunk. 

His wife could take no more, and said, "Why don't you stand on top and make Cohen get down into the cesspool and pass the buckets up to you.  Then he will stink, and you won't." 

O'Reilly answered, "Are you crazy, woman?  You want me to take shit from a Jew?"

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