Ethnic Amusement II
...and some people consider this to be racist.
the Original Ethnic Amusement Page

You can get Ethnic Humor from Around the World at
Heaven vs. Hell  
Bowels Not Move 
Greek Humor
Cuban Jokes  7
Henri Sees a Man Making Love to a Dead Woman
A New Zealander, a Sheep, and a Dog Are Shipwrecked  
French Jokes

The Favorite Fruit Story 
Blowing Smoke Rings 
Bostonian Humor  
British Humor 11/3/02
A White Man, A Black and a Mexican and a Genie
Lucky Louie Has a Date With a Hindu Girl
Iraqi Humor
Cajun Jokes
On the Topic of Telling Jokes
Hodgee Goes to the Doctor
Hiding a Jew in WWII
Black vs. White
On the Golf Course
A White Boy and a Black Boy Compare Penises 
In Charge of Supplies!  
Russian Jokes  8
Scottish Jokes
Arab Jokes 
Liberation Day in the Netherlands 
God's Going to Even Things Up This Time
Japanese Woman Having an Affair With a Jew 
A Russian, a Cuban, a Hawaiian, and a Japanese 
Barbara Walters Interviewing an Indian Chief 
An Ethnic Weapon is Invented 
German Jokes 7/27/02
An Insect Falls Into a Cup of Coffee 
An Insect Falls Into a Mug of Beer
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth
A Jew and a Ukranian Stretching a Dime
An American Insulting a Brit
The Forehead Dot Explained
An American Tourist Taking a Leak
Chinese Newlyweds

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
-Denis Leary

Heaven vs. Hell

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

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Bowels Not Move

Once there was an Indian named Bowels who lived out in a big field in a teepee.  One day a railroad company came by and decided to build a railroad right in the middle of this field.  A railroad worker told the Bowels that he was going to have to move.  He replied with arms folded and in a stern voice, "Bowels not move!" 

The railroad worker said, "Man, you had better go see a doctor! 

So the old Indian went to the doctor and said, "Bowels not move!"  The doctor said, "OK, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."

A week passed and the Indian came back and said, "Bowels still not move!"

The doctor said, "OK, take these pills and come back and see me in two weeks."  Two weeks past, and the Indian came back and said in a somewhat strained voice, "Bowels still not move!"

The doctor replied, "OK, I'm going to have to give you the strongest pills I have.  Take these and come back and see me in a month."

A month passed and the Indian came back and said, "Bowels move now -- teepee full of shit!"
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A White Boy and a Black Boy Compare Penises

A white boy and a black boy met for the first time, on the first day of the sixth grade. Their fathers were both share-croppers, so the two had a lot in common and became fast friends.

On the third day of school, it was a hot, sweltering September day. At lunch, the black kid says, "I know a fine, shady hole in Possum Creek that is jist yellin' fer us to go swimin' there after school. Wha' da ya think?"

"My, my," says the Caucasian. "You are a man of wisdom!"

Directly after school, the two youngsters are on the bank, peeling off their clothes, getting ready for a dip in the cool, creek water. The white boy looks over at the black boy's dick and is astounded by the size of it. He says, "I heard you coons all have big dicks, but now I believe it." The other youth swells with pride and says, "My eddicated gran'daddy says it is racial genetics."

The white boy, not knowing what the hell 'racial genetics' means, asks, "How can I get mine bigger like yours?"

"Grease", says the black dude, with his tongue in cheek.


"Yeppers! Grease it ever' night before you go to bed."

Well, they dove in, swam for a couple of hours, were cooled off and each headed for home, refreshed.  A few weeks later, they met for another swim. They peeled off their cloths and for some reason, the little black dude had half a hard on. The white boy was crushed.

"It's been almost 3 weeks since we were here. I've greased my tool like you said, and it looks even smaller. Faking sympathy, the black dude says, "What kind o' grease did you use, white chil'?"

"Crisco! An' I ain' no chil'!"

"Mothur fuckin'-kiss my ass! No wonder you ain't gittin' no where, spindle dick!" The white boy screeched out, "Why?" "This the gospel, white kid! Crisco is shortening!"
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There Goes the Neighborhood

Two Indian scouts watched silently from their place of concealment behind some shrubbery as the first white settlers set foot on the North American continent. After solemnly surveying the scene for several minutes, the one Indian turned to the other and said, "Well, there goes the neighborhood."
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In Charge of Supplies!

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.  The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of  shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."

So the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.  He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom.  You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!
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Greek Humor

Little Stavros walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Stavros' father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Stavros asked curiously, "What are you doing, papa?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.",

To which Little Stavros replied "What are you going to do, fuck him in the ass?"

Q: How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?
A: With a Crowbar!

One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with vaseline!"

Q: Why was the Greek boy so sad when he arrived in America?
A: Because he had to leave his little brothers behind.

Q: What's the best-selling brand of lipstick in Greece?
A: Preparation H!

Q: Why do Greek men wear moustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers!

Q: Why did God invent alcohol?
A: So Greeks can get laid.

Q: Did you hear about the little Greek boy who ran away from home?
A: He didn't like the way he was being reared!

Q: What's the definition of a nice Greek Boy?
A: A boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.

An Irishman, a Jew and a Greek guy were walking down the street when a piano fell on them.  The next thing they new they were talking to St. Peter who explained it wasn't their time yet.  However, in order to be sent back, they all had to agree to give up what they loved most in life.  Naturally, all three men wanted to live and quickly agreed.

Suddenly they were back on the street next to a shattered piano.  Realizing there close call they decided to get a drink and walked into the closest bar.  The Irish guy took a sip of his beer and suddenly disappeared, beer and all. 

The other two looked at each other, put their drinks down and left the bar realizing they would have to be careful.  As they stepped outside, the Jewish guy saw a penny on the ground and stopped short in front of the Greek.  He bent down to pick it up and suddenly the Greek was gone!

The Official Greek Handbook on "How To Be A Cool Greek!"

 1. Wear clothes of 2 colors, black and white.

 2. Own a cell phone and use it in at inappropriate times - in church, at a restaurant, funeral, wedding, etc.

 3. Refers to anyone who's not Greek despairingly as "xeni" and pity them for not being as cultured and sophisticated as the Greeks.

 4. Have predominantly Greek friends, with a few token "xeni" thrown in for diversity.  Then, talks Greek when "xeni" are around.

 5. Dress as though you are headed for a club when actually going to work or class.

 6. If you are a Greek woman, stare menacingly at the other women around you, especially if there richer or more attractive than you.

 7. If you are a Greek guy, be sure not to bathe to achieve an "earthy" scent, then try to mask it with a lot of cologne; the combination drives babes wild!

8. Smoke as if is your last day on earth, and smoke only Marlboros.

 9. Travel only in droves of 10 or more, and be as loud as possible at all times.

10. If you're single, go to all Greek intercollegiate parties and all GOYA conferences, even if you're 45 years old.


Despite rumors, Greece has announced they will be ready for the 2004 Olympics. However, some events have been changed for the next summer games. Thus, we present the Athens, Greece - Official Events for Olympics 2004:

1. Cigarette chain smoking marathon.
- First person to cough up a lung wins!

2. Gathering olives from trees.
- The Spaniards reckon they can take the Greeks on this one.

3. Long distance spitting.
- Ftou!

4. Nastiest armpit smell.
- This event takes place on any Bus in central Athens.

5. Thickest moustache!
- Females are welcome to compete, too!

6. Goat herders' relay.
- Bulgarians were disqualified last year because they lost their bell.

7. Tavli.
- Ask for Kostaki at the kafeneio and don't eat the sporia.

8. Komboloi (worry beads) toss.
- Both distance and accuracy count for points, double points if you get it stuck in the klimataria!

9. Longest duration wearing the same piece of clothing.
- Qualifiers for this event go straight into the final round for event 4.

10. Papaki (small motorbike) race to the beach.
- 10 bonus points if you knock over a German backpacker.

11. The evil eye stare-down competition.
- Free xematiasma for anybody who arrives before 10pm.

12. Diloti/Xeri playing.
- Bonus points if you slam the cards down so hard you knock over the bowl of xerous karpous.

13. Frappé drinking.
- Bonus points available if you can still look tough and macho with a frappé in your hand.

You Know You're Greek When...

1) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.

2) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

3) If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

4) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

5) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.

6) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.

7) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.

8) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old.

9) You have been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to.

10) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.

Version II:

You Know You're Greek When...

1) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
2) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros" when answering the phone.
3) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve.
4) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what church do you go to"?
5) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun.
6) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
7) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public.
8) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala" or a "lourithi".
9) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.
10) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.
11) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and 4 Yanni's in the family.
12) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou".
13) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or TV show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it.
14) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from.
15) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.

Never Turn Over

Mary, a very devout and innocent Catholic girl, was on the way to the church for her wedding with Nick, a Greek boy. Her mother said, in the car on the way, "Now Mary, Nick is a wonderful man, and I know you love him a lot. So do I, but remember, he is a Greek, and you know how Greeks are. If he ever asks you to turn over in bed, tell him no, and come home to me if he asks again!"

So of course Mary said, "Yes, Mother," and she and Nick were married and lived together very happily for about two years. But sure enough, one night in bed Nick said, "Hey, Mary, let's try something new. Turn over."

"No!" said Mary. "My mother warned me about you. No!"

"Aw, you might like it!" said Nick. "Why not try?"

"NO!" she said again. "And if you ask again I'm leaving!"

"But Mary! You agreed that we would have children!"

How To Raise A Greek Daughter...

1. Never let your daughters spend the night anywhere, except at a fellow Greek's house.
2. Spend their whole life trying to find them a husband and disapproving of every one they find on their own.
3. Spoil them rotten, but make them feel guilty for it when they ask for something.
4. Fathers - tell them their just like their mothers when you're mad. Mothers- tell them they have their father's head when you're mad.
5. Always compare them to other Greek girls (preferably those they can't stand) when trying to make them do something.
6. Complain that their clothes are too short, too tight, too low cut, too black, too cheap, or not right for church.
7. Brag to your friends about how beautiful and smart they are, but tell them to make their sons to stay away.
8. Press for them to marry a greek man, but then ward them off any Greek man you see them with. "He's okay, but his mother is crazy." "His father cleans up goat shit." "I
heard his has a big house but he locks his yiayia downstairs, do you want to marry someone like that?" "No policemen."
9. Tell them they eat too much or not enough, depending on the situation.
10. Let them run around naked as children, but make them dress like nuns as adults.
11. Complain they spend too much money shopping, and then go out and blow $1000 on a poker game or gambling.
12. Tell them they never keep their car clean enough, even if your vehicle is covered in dust, reeks of smoke, and has empty coffee cups and food crumbs covering the inside.
13. Force them to be nice to people they can't stand, while you talk about those same people like they are dogs.
14. Have a fit when they use the word 'malaka', but use it yourself as if it were going out of style.
15. Let their brothers get away with murder.
16. Embarass them by getting drunk at name days, Easter, festivals, etc, and then dancing the zembekeiko.
17. Assign a name to all their friends, and use them at inappropriate occasions (i.e. the mavra, the fat one, the ugly one, the dumb one, the slut, the chinese one)
18. Never let them leave the house after 10 O'clock.
19. Force them to go to church, join GOYA, dance in the festival.
20. Tell them "good greek girls don't behave that way" as many times as possible within a lifetime.
21. Buy them gold jewelry even when you know they only wear silver.
22. Fathers - always leave your shirt unbuttoned at least 3 buttons, exposing chest hair and gold cross, when going anywhere with your daughters.
23. Expect them to know all of the Greek dances - except for the 'tsiftetelli'.
24. Make them believe that Greek women never have sex.

You Know You're An American Married To A Greek...

1. At Easter you have ever taken a ride out to a farm and come home with a dead lamb, including its intestines in a bucket.
2. At Easter you have ever lifted the lid to the pot boiling on the stove and seen something looking back at you (head of the lamb).
3. At Easter you have been made fun of because you won't eat the soup.
4. You have ever had to pick-up your in-laws from the airport with more than one car because all their luggage wouldn't fit into one.
5. Your father-in-law has ever tried to negotiate the purchase of a new car for you.
6. You are the only one in church without black hair, and wearing a brown suit.
7. They never give you the hanky and ask you to lead the line at Church dances.
8. The taste of Ouzo makes you ill.
9. You have ever come home from the store with the wrong Feta.
10. You hate the Turks but not sure why.
11. Your in-laws can't understand why you would want to vacation somewhere other than Greece.
12. Half the pictures hanging in your house are religious icons.

Top 10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Marry a Greek Man

1. Two words...His Mother.
2. Housework and birthing his children isn't your life's ambition.
3. Sometimes you want to have an opinion about something.
4. You hate his mother's cooking, and that's all he'll eat.
5. His brother/cousin/friend/uncle has the hots for you.
6. Spending your wedding night alone while he plays poker isn't your idea of fun.
7. Your nostrils can't take the amount of cologne he "splashes" on.
8. You thought "Greek Style" was how green beans and chicken was cooked.
9. Looking at other men isn't allowed, but he can look at other women.
10. He picks his nose in public.

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Cuban Jokes

The City of Miami advertised for somebody to help rid their city of a growing rat infestation.  A man answered the ad and showed up, guaranteeing that he could do the job, so he was put to work.

He started his efforts and opened a box and took out a green rat. The rat ran all over the city and all of the pesky rats followed him to an inlet near South Beach.  At the last minute, the green rat jumped aside and all of the Miami's rats jumped into the inlet and drowned.

When the man went to collect his money, the Mayor said, "I want to talk to you first."  The man said, "I don't want any bull, I want my money."

"No problem, you will get your money," replied the Mayor. "I want to know if you have access to a little green Cuban!"


One day, el Presidente Fidel Castro died and went to Heaven.  He knocked on the pearly door and demanded to be let in.  St. Peter looked through the peep-hole and saw Castro standing there with his two suitcases.  He yelled from behind the door that there had to be some mistake, he was destined for the other place.  With that, St. Pete pressed a button and a trap door opened up from below Castro, plunging him to the depths of Hell. 

"Welcome, el Presidente," Satan said, "We've been expecting you."  Still shaken from the sudden drop, Castro began by complaining that his suitcases were left at the doors of Heaven.  "No problem," said Satan, "we'll send a couple of demons to get them for you." 

A little while later, St. Peter hears some noise outside of Heaven's door.  Again looking through the peep-hole, he sees the demons with the suitcases.  At this, St. Peter says, "I knew it.  Castro has only been in Hell for five minutes, and already, here comes the refugees!"


A Cuban man was continually bothering the waiter in a Miami Beach restaurant.  First, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot.  Then, he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry.  So finally, an American sitting at a table stop the waiter and asked why he didn't just throw out the annoying Cuban man.

"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner!"


Fidel Castro dies, and a search begins for a proper burial place for the Maximum Leader, but no one seems the agree where that place should be.

So, they decide to ask the wisest man in Cuba, Pancho, an old farmer at the Sierra Maestra mountains. Pancho says they can bury Fidel anywhere in the world except Jerusalem, just to make sure he doesn't resurrect after three days.


Castro is giving a speech at the Revolution Square and says: "Comrades, God willing, this year we will have enough eggs for all the Cuban people!"

At which point his brother Raul leans over and says to him: "But Fidel, we are Communists, there is no God." To which Fidel responds in a whisper: "Don't worry. There are no eggs either."

Q: Why can't you get a good blow job in Cuba?
A: Because all the cocksuckers are over here in Miami!

Q: How does Cuba train their swimmers for the Olympics?
A: They put up a sign at the end of the pool that says 'United States Border'!

Did you know that they're sending the Statue of Liberty to Miami, Florida? 
And when it gets there, they are going to dress it up and change it's name to the Statue of Aunt Jemina.  It will be holding a Cuban black bean and pork sandwich at the entrance of the Miami River!


Fidel visits a cheese factory south of Havana to meet with the workers. One of them, Pepe Garcia, is very upset, and he tells Fidel, "I have a question: This is a bunch of crap. There is no cheese in this factory. Where is the cheese?" Fidel responds that it is a very good question and that in the next meeting they will analyze that issue.

A couple of weeks later Fidel visits the cheese factory again, and meets the workers. Another worker, Juan Perez, tells Fidel, "Commandante, I have two questions. First, where is the cheese? Second, where is Pepe?


A drunk man is at one of Havana's main street corners shouting: "Castro, sonovabitch!,; Castro, murderer!; "Castro, because of you I'm dying of hunger!; Castro, you are a curse to the Cuban people!"

A policewoman arrives to the scene and beats the hell out of him. The drunk guy retorts, "Why are you beating me? There are many people in Cuba named Castro!" The policewoman responds: "Yes, but with those characteristics, there is only one!"


Fidel Castro and his chauffeur were cruising along a country road in Las Villas one day when a pig ran out in front of their car. The chauffeur tried to avoid it, but couldn't, and the pig was killed. The dictator ordered the driver to go to the bohio (i.e., farmhouse) and explain to the owners what had happened.

About an hour later the chauffeur staggered back to the jeep with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of rum in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

What happened?," asked Fidel.

"Well," the chauffeur replied, "the guajiro (i.e., farmer) gave me the rum, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?," asked Fidel.

The driver replied, "I said, 'I'm Fidel Castro's chauffeur, and I just killed the pig'."

Q: What do you call a Cuban orchestra after an international tour?
A: A quartet!

Q: How does a typical Cuban worker view his job?
A: "I pretend to work, and the government pretends to pay me!"


A teacher at La Escuela de Cuba, asks a little Cuban boy, Pepito, what he wants to be when he grows up.

"A tourist!" Pepito replies.

"Don't be silly, tourists are foreign," the teacher says.

"OK then, a hotel bellboy."

Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late," mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me, I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a capitalist spy."

"And I am here for always getting to work on time," added the third. "They said that proved I had an American watch."

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Russian Jokes

Q: Why do Women Prefer Russian Sailors?
A: They not scared to go down, will bang away for hours,    lay down in a wet spot and still be stiff after 10 hours!

Q: What do you call a Russian man with three balls?
A: Vladimir Whodyanockaballoff.

Q: What do you call a Russian Prostitute?
A: Raisa Gotyourknickersoffalot.

Q: What do used condoms and Russian subs have in common?
A: Dead seamen (semen)!

Q: What do you call a sexually transmitted disease in Russian?
A: Rotyourkockov!


A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Tooles.  With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Martini's, with every third round they bring a free bottle of Chianti to the table."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Vlastof's, we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"

"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden. 

"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit.  "They must be British!"

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagreed.  "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"

"It is obvious they are Russian," argued the Russian.  "They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"


A Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw a message written in piss on the heavy snow from the night before: "A happy birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your loyal servant."

The Czar calls Ivan and says, "It was nice of you to remember my birthday, but how the heck did you did it?  You are an illiterate."

The noble responded, "Oh, it was simple.  I was only pissing in snow, but your wife was holding my dick!"

Having a drink together Vasile asked his pal Andrei, "Why are you so miserable?  Romania looks to the West, we are learning their ways so that we can improve our life style, we....."

" Yes. You are right, we are trying to do like they are doing in the West.  But what demolished me is that I have had two wives and now I have none."

"How come?"

"My first wife went to see this great surgeon who was visiting Bucharest and had a sex change.  You can imagine.  I then divorced her.  As to the second one , even worse."

"How can that be, what can possibly be worse than that?"

"She divorced me and married my first wife!


An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.

The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"

The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill."

So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.

"Now, go and open the trunk!"

So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.

"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"


Chechnya. Winter. Young solder is on a guard.  Other soldiers are resting.

Suddenly they hear a shot and they hurry to see what is going on.  Young soldier reports: "I heard noise, I saw Chechnyan with beard and big sack, I shoot him!"

The sergeant looks at a body, and thoughtfully looks at the soldier and says: "Because of such assholes like you, we have third Christmas in row without Santa Claus!"


Vladimir Putin wakes up in the morning, sees the sun, and says, "Good morning, sun!", to which the sun replies, "Good morning, President Putin."

Later that afternoon, he faces the window, turns to the sun, and says "Good afternoon, sun!", to which the sun replies, "Good afternoon, President Putin."

That evening, as it began to grow dark, he turns to the sky and asks the sun why it isn't there.  The sun replies, "Fuck you, Putin--I'm in the west now!"

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

One day an officer is visiting a Russian school. He comes up to little Lovya.

"Who is your mother, little boy?"

"Mother Russia."

"And who is your father?"

"Comrade Stalin."

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An orphan."

This is related by a recent émigré from the USSR, according to a recent issue of "World Press Review":

One cold winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.

At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?"

They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.

At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?"

They did, and the line was shortened again.

At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?"

Once again, the line was considerably shortened.

At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!"

This included just about everybody.

Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men.

He told them, "There isn't any meat."

The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves - "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"

The first Russian election was held when God put Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

A Russian is stopped by a traffic policeman, who opens his car's trunk and sees a Kalashnikoff automatic rifle there.

"What the hell is that supposed to be?" the policeman asks.

"It's a calculator," replies the Russian.

"Gimme a break," the policeman protests, producing a calculator from his pocket, "Now here's a calculator."

"Different models," the Russian explains. "Yours is for preliminary score... mine is for final ones."

Before Chernobyl, Russian women were mighty handsome.
Now, they are damn radiant!

An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.

"Ours is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was in Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I urinated near the CIA headquarters."

"Ours is a free country too," says the Russian. "Once, I was on Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I took a shit near the KGB headquarters."

"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.

"Of Course! Nobody saw it...I didn't even take my pants off."

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Mike Tyson and Jesse Jackson at the Vatican

Mike Tyson and Jesse Jackson decided to take a vacation to Rome. When they visited the Vatican, they decided that they should take a little time to pray to God. While they are praying, Mike Tyson pulls out a bag of peanuts and begins to eat them, while he throws the shells on the floor.

Jesse Jackson says, "Pick up them damn peanut shells 'fore you gets us thrown outta here!".

Mike Tyson says, "No. I'll go eat my peanuts on the other side so you won't bother me."

After sitting on the other side of the room for a few minutes, Jesse Jackson sees the Pope walk in, give the sign of the cross to Mike Tyson and leave.

Jesse runs over to Tyson and says, "Hey, what did he say to you?"

Mike Tyson says, "Oh, he said 'You, pick those shells off the floor, (points to Jesse Jackson) get that other ni___r, (points to the door) and get the hell out of here!"
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Henri Sees a Man Making Love to a Dead Woman

An elderly French man was walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day when, over a hedgerow, he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, ze young love ... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers.
C'est magnifique !!", and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert, Albert, zere is zis man, zis woman, naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old.  Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers.   Ah, L'amour!  Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!"

Hearing this, Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station and ran down to the field.  There, he confirmed Henri's story and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre, this is Albert.  I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex."

To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers.  Ah, L'amour!  Zis is very natural."

Albert, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead...she is English!"
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A New Zealander, a Sheep, and a Dog Are Shipwrecked

A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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A Collection of Arab Jokes

A young man is walking through the streets one evening in Dublin, Ireland, when a voice calls out of the dark,  "Halt, Catholic or Protestant?"  To this, the man proudly replies, "Catholic" and BANG!, he's immediately shot through the heart.

A little while later, another man is walking down the same street.  Again, the voice calls out, "Catholic or Protestant?"  This time, the man proudly proclaims, "I'm Protestant!" and BANG!, he's immediately shot through the heart.

Some time later, a third man is walking down the same street. Again, out calls the voice, "Catholic or Protestant?"  This man, being more observant sees the 2 dead bodies ahead of him, and thinks to himself that he'll beat this man at his own game.  He loudly proclaims, "Neither, I'm Jewish!" and BANG!, he's immediately shot through the heart.

Out from the shadows steps a man with a rifle.  Along comes a friend of the man's.  The armed man looks at his friend and says, with a smirk on his face, "I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!"


Useful Phrases To Know When Traveling In Arab Countries:

- Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

 - I'm delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

 - The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

 - If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public

- It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

- The red blindfold would be lovely, really.

- I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

- Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Catherine Zeta Jones.  


Three women go to see a therapist: a French, a Chinese and an Arab woman.

"Our husbands never do anything around the house to help us," they complained, "and we are tired of it!"

The therapist suggested that they stop doing work around the house and to come back a few days later.

Five days later the three women came back and the therapist asks, "So what happened?"

"Well," began the French woman, "the first day I didn't see any change, but the second day he started helping around the house."  "Good," said the therapist.

"What about you," he asked the Chinese woman.

"Since first day, me see big change.  Honorable husband pick up clothes and take to honorable brother's dry cleaners," she answered.

"And you?" he finally asked the Arab woman.

"The first day I didn't see anything, and the second day I didn't see anything.  Finally, on the third day, my husband removed the blindfold and I was able to open my eyes!"


An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.  The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.), and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdullah to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdullah would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. 

"Abdullah, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, oh Illustrious One,"  stammered the wretched Abdullah. "Infidel sit on well."


A man from Saudi Arabia named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

A gent from Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing.  Where I come from there's only one way." 

"Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"

"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman."

"Praise Allah!!" exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"


"Earlier today, for the first time, Yassir Arafat issued a statement in Arabic condemning terrorism. U.S. officials say the statement is a step in the right direction except for the last line which translates into 'wink, wink.'"
--Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


The Israeli ambassador was about to negotiate with Arafat for peace in the Middle East but insisted that he must first tell a true story. This was agreed upon and the story started:

"After the Jews fled from Egypt and the Egyptian army was destroyed, Moses decided to relax with a little swim in the Red Sea. After skinny dipping for a half hour, Moses went to reclaim his clothes but his clothes couldn't be found.

'Where are my clothes?!?!?' demanded Moses. 'The Palestinians stole them!!!' yelled all the Jews."

At this point Arafat jumped angrily to his feet. "That's absurd! You can't blame us! There were no Palestinians at that time!!"

"Exactly," said the ambassador. "Now we can negotiate."


Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied, and they ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?"

"A letter bomb" exclaimed the injured despot.

"But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied one of his experienced men.

Arafat replies, "I was sealing it."


Two Arabs are chatting. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures. "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr too." After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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Indian Jokes

Come Fly Punjab Airways

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Awtar Singh welcoming you to Punjab  Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery. This is flight one four four to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village! Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.  For the ones that don't make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Stewardess Xena will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits! For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform  you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system of engines trouble - telling us to slow down!  Life jacket are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark! Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.  And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant so that they could arrange for you to sit on your suitcase.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please...make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit.

Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.

There was once an Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

Q. Why did it only take one shot to kill Gandhi?
A. The killer aimed for the dot!
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Liberation Day in the Netherlands

In the Netherlands the fourth of May is a national holiday to remember and honor their war dead.  The following day is Liberation Day, with large scale celebrations.

On the fourth of May a German walks on the Dam square in Amsterdam and notices a crowd standing in silence in front of the National Monument.

He asks one of them what is going on and the Dutchman explains that they commemorate the thousands of dead that fell in Holland during the five years of Nazi occupation.

"Thousands?" the German cries, "In Germany, millions were killed during the war!"

"I know," the Dutchman replies.  "That's what we will be celebrating tomorrow!"
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The Favorite Fruit Story

A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican guy are in a truck when it breaks down.  While walking through a field a farmer catches them.  He tells them to go pick your favorite fruit and bring back five of them to me or I'm going to kill you dead on the spot.  So they all go out and bring back their favorite fruits.

The white guy comes back with five apples and the farmer tells him, if he can stick all five apples up his ass he would let him go. 

The Mexican guy comes back with cherries.  The farmer tells him the same thing.  While the Mexican is sticking the cherries in his ass, he starts laughing and shoots them out his ass. 

The farmer asks what the problem is.  The Mexican guy says, "Oh nothing, just give me another chance". 

The farmer says OK and gives him another chance.  The Mexican guy does it again and shoots the cherries out his ass.  The farmer asks him again what's so funny.  The Mexican pleads with him give him one more chance.  The farmer tells him this is your last chance or I'm going to kill you.  The Mexican guy says okay. 

The Mexican guy starts laughing yet a third time and shoots the cherries out of his ass again.  The farmers says, "That's it, what's so damn funny!" 

The Mexican says "OK, you know my black friend, his favorite fruit is watermelon!"

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God's Going to Even Things Up This Time

Nuclear war has devastated the earth and God has come down to survey the damage.  The only two people alive are a white guy named Travis and a black guy named Sam. 

Travis is walking with God while Sam is exploring.  God says to Travis, "I am going to start the world over and this time things will be perfect.  I am going to give you three wishes, but because you whites were so hard on the black people last time, I am going to give Sam twice what I give you." 

Travis is a little upset with this but figures what the hell. Travis says, "First I would like 100 of the worlds most beautiful women so that I can repopulate the earth."  God says, "Fine, then Sam gets 200 of the worlds most beautiful women." 

"Next I would like 2,000 acres of prime farmland."  God says, "Sam will receive 4,000 acres of prime farm land."  Travis thinks hard and then says, "And last of all God I want you to bite off my left nut.  We got them again Lord didn't we!"
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Japanese Woman Having an Affair With a Jew

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith". She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishugunah?!"
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A Russian, a Cuban, a Hawaiian, and a Japanese

A Russian, a Cuban, a Hawaiian, and a Japanese were stranded on a raft after their ship went down.  The Russian pulled out a vodka bottle and took a sip and threw it over the side.  The Hawaiian asked him why he did that.  The Russian said, "In my country, we have plenty of vodka."

The Cuban took out a cigar, lit it, took a puff, and threw it over the side.  The Hawaiian asked him why he did that.  The Cuban said, "In my country, we have a many fine cigars."

So the Hawaiian picked up the Japanese and threw him over the side, saying, "Our islands are full of them!"
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Barbara Walters Interviewing an Indian Chief

Barbara Walters was out West on an Indian reservation with her camera crew.  She was interviewing the Chief and asked him about the customary Indian head dress.

"That brave over there, Chief, he only has one feather. What does that mean?"

The Chief replied, "Him just little brave, only had one squaw, only one feather."

"Oh, I see," she said.  "Does that mean that the brave over there with three feathers has three squaws."

"That right," said the chief.  "Him have three squaw."

"But you Chief, I count 185 feathers in your head dress. Do you have 185 squaws?"

The Chief looked at her, pounded his chest proudly and proclaimed, "That right, me Chief, me fuck 'em all!"

Barbara said, "That's awful!  You ought to be hung."

"God-damn right hung, hung like Buffalo; you want see?" he asked, as he pulled out his huge piece of manhood for her to admire.

She gazed down and yelled, "Oh, dear!"

At that, the Chief said, "No, no fuck deer; asshole too high, run too fast!"
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Blowing Smoke Rings

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
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An Ethnic Weapon is Invented

One day, a scientist at a lab in San Diego invented a weapon that could effectively destroy large numbers of any ethnicity in a short amount of time.  He decided to show this little device to one of his friends who happened to be a lieutenant in the military.

The scientist lines up 150 blacks and zaps them with the gun and instantly they all disappear, with only their shoes left.

Well, the lieutenant, thinking this was a great invention, shows it to his bases' General.  The General wanted to see it work, so the lieutenant lined up 150 blacks, and zap, they're all gone, except for their shoes.

He too, is impressed by this, and takes it to the Secretary of Defense. Again, they line up 150 blacks, and zap, they're all gone!  "Well we must show this to the President," says the Secretary of Defense, so they take it to the President and prepare the gun for use.

As usual, the scientist tells them to line up 150 blacks, but to put in a Mexican at the end.  His friend, the lieutenant, asked, "Why the Mexican at the end of the line?  There never was one before?" 

The scientist replied, "Well, I found I have to grease the gun every few hundred people or so!"
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Bostonian Humor

Boston Translator

Pete Sir ==========>  Most say pizza
Otch ==============>  A tourist attraction in St. Louis
Cotton ============>  You buy milk in it (carton)
Seen Ya ===========>  Last year of school
Holly =============>  An excellent motorcycle
Budded Con ========>  Corn on the cob with butter
Bonnie ============>  A purple dinosaur you probably detest
Ah ================>  Letter between q and s
He Has A Cap On ===>  He has a fish on his head
Lodge =============>  Opposite of small (large)
Bulkie ============>  Sandwich bun
Bah Rum ===========>  Bar room
Wicked Boah =======>  A not-so-interesting person
Southie ===========>  Someone from South Boston
Ba Ba =============>  He cuts your hair
Bub Bluh ==========>  Water fountain to most
Awed ==============>  Opposite of even
Ann Tenor =========>  Transmits radio waves to your car
Khakis ============>  Start your car with them
Pita is a Cheetah =>  Peter cheated on this test
Spa ===============>  Ma and Pa convenience store
Seltz =============>  Our basketball team
Directional =======>  Car's blinkers
The Hub ===========>  The world revolves around here
Had ===============>  Opposite of soft
Tea Potty =========>  Precursor to American Revolution
Clabbids ==========>  Wood boards that cover many houses here
Lemon Stir ========>  Leominster, Mass
Low Gin ===========>  Logan Airport
Match =============>  Month between Feb and April
Foddy Doll Us =====>  $39.99 plus one cent
How Ah Ya? ========>  Boston Greeting
Have Id ===========>  Our famous University
Hoodsie ===========>  Small cup of ice cream
Wicked Spooney ====>  Something very cool
Pots ==============>  Pieces to your kids toys
Packy =============>  Buy liquor or 6 pack there
Boy Gawd ==========>  By God
Frappe ============>  Milkshake to most
Had Licka =========>  Gets you drunk fast
Spooky ============>  Italian sub sandwich (from spucadella)


You might be from Boston if... think of Philadelphia as the Midwest. think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic. think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's). think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.

...all your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins. refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."

...just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood. don't think you have an attitude. always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

...everything in town is "a five minute walk."

...when out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked. still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series. have no idea what the word compromise means. believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness. don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.'re anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn. think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.

...your favorite adjective is "wicked." think 63 degree ocean water is warm. think the Kennedy's are misunderstood!

If you're from Boston...'ll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP, and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).

...if you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor, or package store). only eat Italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.
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German Jokes

Q: How can you utilize a dead German effectively?
A: Dig a hole one foot deep, bend him over with his feet and head in the hole.  Fill the hole with concrete and leave it to set. You then have a functional bicycle stand.

Q: Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.


A Dutchman ran over a German pedestrian in Holland, took out a spade from the trunk of his auto, and started to bury him at the roadside.

A police patrol stopped to ask him what he was doing.  "Why, I am burying this kraut," replied the Dutchman.

"Is he dead then?" asked the policeman.

"When I asked him, he said no, but I am burying the bugger anyway.  You know what damned liars the Germans are!"  

A German calls his Dutch friend. "Hey Henk, I would like to come over for the weekend. Is it OK if I bring some friends?"

"Sure Heinz, but not as many as in May 1940 please".

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear.

The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word."

The French guy says, "True, but Papillion (the French word for butterfly), is even more beautiful".

"What's wrong with Schmetterlink", asks the German?

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British Humor

Q: Why do all the trees in Scotland lean south?
A: Because England sucks!

Q: What is the worst thing about England?
A: Its above sea level.

Q: Do you know why British woman are such good swimmers?
A: The Scandinavians threw all their ugly women into the sea.

A "pome' is trying to get to back home to England, but finds he is $5 short of the fare needed. He approaches an 'old cobber' and says "G'day mate. I am trying to get back home to England. Could you spare $5 to help me out?"
Without hesitating, the cobber replies, "Happy to do that mate. In fact here is $20...take 3 more of your pome bastard mates with you!!"

In the days when the British Empire was at its height, someone wrote on the wall of a lavatory:
"The sun never sets on the British Empire":
Somebody added, "because God doesn't trust the British in the dark!"


1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she said again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" by this time she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

This a joke that British Actor Michael Caine told Tonight Show host Johnny Carson. It must be told with a British accent.

A man comes home early from work one day and finds his wife in bed with three of his best friends.

He looks at them and says, "Wats this! 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!"

His wife looks up at him and says, "Well aren't ya gonna say 'ello to me?"

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An Insect Falls Into a Cup of Coffee

If an insect falls into your cup of coffee--what would you do?
Here is one analysis:

1.The Englishman: Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe
2.The American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee
3.The Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away
4.The Besieged Palestinian: Drinks the coffee and the insect
5.The Israeli:
* Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese
* Screams that his security is in peril
* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in his coffee
* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians advocate attacks with weapons of mass insects
* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian Terrorism, Attacks on Human Rights, Anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora, the Exodus, Discrimination against Noah's Ark
* Commands Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying in the air or landing in coffee cups
* Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses, cuts off water and electricity, humiliates and terrorizes civilians, kills or maims anyone in his way.
* Imposes more military aid on the American
* Demands a 100-year, interest free, 50 billion-dollar, loan from America to buy another cup of coffee
*Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation
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An Insect Falls Into a Mug of Beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out

American   : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese    : Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Indian     : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani  : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.  
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A White Man, A Black and a Mexican and a Genie

There's a black man, a Mexican man, and a white man walking along a beach when they find a lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie comes out.  He says, "I'll grant each one of you a wish."

The black man says, "I wish that all my black brothers could be sent back to Africa to live a happy life." The genie blinks and 'poof', and all the black people are sent back to Africa.

The Mexican man says, "I wish that all my Mexican brothers could be sent back to Mexico to live a happy life." The genie, once again, blinks and 'poof', all the Mexican people are sent back to Mexico.

Then the genie turns to the white man and asks, "What do you wish for?"

The white man smiles and says, "You mean to tell me that all the blacks and Mexicans are out of the country?"

The genie replies, "Yes."

"Shit", says the white man, "I'll just have a Coke!"

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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth are standing on a balcony in St Peter's Square, and they're beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen says to the Pope (out of the side of her mouth of course): "Your Holiness, I bet you fifty pounds sterling that I can make every English person in the crowd below go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope replies: "No way! You can't do that."

The Queen says: "Just watch this, John Paul!" So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad feckers.

The Pope, standing in wonder, thinks to himself: "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thinks a few more minutes, then turns to her and says: "OK, I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replies: "No jolly way, it can't be done."

At that, the Pope turns to look at the Queen, gives her a headbutt, which causes the Irish in the crowd to cheer madly."I told you I could, you royal pain in the ass!"
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A Jew and a Ukranian Stretching a Dime

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.

He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"
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Lucky Louie Has a Date With a Hindu Girl

Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!"

A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting out on a date!"

The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had!"

The co-worker says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it... and I won another ten grand!"
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Iraqi Humor

Q: What do Iraqi women call goats?
A: Competition.

Q: What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

A Jew had the misfortune of finding himself seated between two Iraqis on an airplane.

The Iraqis kept making insult after insult against the Jew. The Jew, determined to survive the situation with minimal discomfort, kicked off his shoes and concentrated on ignoring the Iraqis.

Suddenly, one of the Iraqis poked the Jew in the ribs, saying, " stinking Jew...make yourself useful and go get us a couple of cans of Coke from the back."

The Jew, in order to avoid an unpleasant confrontation, sighed and did as he was told.

While he was gone, the Iraqis each squatted down between the seats and took a quick dump in each of the Jew's shoes.

Upon returning with the Cokes, the Jew noticed the shit in his shoes, but said nothing.

The Iraqis chugged their Cokes down, and again, one of them jabbed the Jew in the ribs and said, " stupid Jew ...what do you have to say about the situation in the Middle East?" To which the Jew replied, "Well, it's pretty bad. The Iraqis keep crapping in our shoes, and we keep pissing in their Cokes!"
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On the Topic of Telling Jokes

It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he will laugh three times. First - when you tell it, to be polite. Second - when you explain it, to be polite. And third - in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally gets it.

When you tell a German the same joke, he will laugh twice. First - when you tell it, to be polite. And second - when you explain it, to be polite. He won't laugh a third time because he will never get it.

When you tell an American the same joke he won't laugh at all. Instead he will say, "It's an old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!"
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Hodgee Goes to the Doctor

Hodgee comes to the United States from India. He's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.

Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?"

The doctor says, "You were homesick."
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An American Insulting a Brit

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother"
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Hiding a Jew in WWII

Last summer, a man in Amsterdam went to his priest and confessed, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During the second World War, I hid a wealthy Jewish refugee in my attic to save him from the Nazis." The priest, a bit perplexed, replied, "Well, son, that was quite a courageous and generous thing to do. Why do you think it was a sin? God will bless you for your kindness."

"But, father, I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't something to be proud of, but you did it for a good cause." Replied the father.

"Oh, thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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The Forehead Dot Explained

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.

The Indian Embassy in Washington has just revealed the true story.

When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.
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An American Tourist Taking a Leak

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
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Chinese Newlyweds

A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis is you firs time and you verry frighten. I promise, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

"You want... Beef wif Broccori?"
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Black vs. White

10 Indisputable Truths Black People Know, but White People Won't Admit:

1. Elvis is dead.

2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

3. Jesus was not White.

4. Skinny does not equal sexy.

5. A 5 year-old child is too big for a stroller.

6. N'Sync will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.

7. Thomas Jefferson had Black children.

8. An occasional ass whooping helps a child stay in line.

9. Kissing your pet is NOT cute.

10. Rap music is here to stay.

10 Indisputable Truths White People Know, but Black People Won't Admit:

1. Tupac is dead

2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.

3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.

4. O.J. did it!

5. Teeth should not be decorated.

6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.

7. Jesse Jackson will never be President (or Al Sharpton for that matter)

8. RED is not a Kool-Aid flavor (it's a color).

9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

10. Your Pastor doesn't know everything.
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On the Golf Course

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.

"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop. You need to hit over there."

"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm a bit confused by dis game."

He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.

"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are long. But you might want to turn your hand over to correct that slice you seem to have."

"Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replied.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat?"

"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.

Smiling now, he said, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted, "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?"

"Vit gladness, tank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.

"Get rid of the Yiddish accent," she replied. "You're Chinese."



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