Poor Excuse for Excuses

Various School Excuses 8/11/2002

Actual Letters to Landlords

Worst Excuses for Being Late

Assorted Weird Excuses

Traffic Ticket Excuses

Dumb Work Excuses


"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."

OSLO, Norway - A Norwegian arrested for driving with a bellyful of booze claims only his teeth were full of liquor. The 44-year-old man failed a breathalyzer test when he was stopped by police, the Oslo newspaper Aftenposten reported Friday. He claimed the test result was too high because of vodka trapped in cavities in his bad teeth.

Various School Excuses

In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect innocent and guilty alike.

bullet My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
bullet Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
bullet Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault.
bullet Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33,.
bullet Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover..
bullet Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
bullet Fred has an acre in his side.
bullet Please excuse Fred from P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
bullet Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She is administrating.
bullet Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well.
bullet Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under a doctor.
bullet Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
bullet My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
bullet Fred was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing area.
bullet Please excuse Fred Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
bullet Fred was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
bullet Please excuse Mary. She is having problems with her ovals.
bullet Please excuse Fred from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

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And on a Similar Note...

Actual Letters to Landlords...

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand on this?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his backyard which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp; we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us this way.

13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

14. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

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Worst Excuses for Being Late

13) Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy - I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'.

12) I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on.

11) We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?

10) It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.

9) I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.

8) My proctologist got stuck.

7) It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming.

6) I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.

5) Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out as I am.

4) Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.

3) Heidi Klum refused to untie me.

2) On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.

1) I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts.
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Assorted Weird Excuses

Nice Try

Suffolk County police say Arthur Dalke, 34, of Long Island, N.Y., nearly backed his car into a police cruiser -- which wouldn't have been so bad if the man hadn't had seven drunken driving convictions under his belt. Officer Anthony Dieguez told the New York Post Dalke was driving slowly in reverse while chatting with a pedestrian, paying no attention to oncoming traffic -- or the officer's squad car. When Dieguez tried to apprehend Dalke, he sped away, allegedly pulled into a parking lot, slid into the passenger seat, tossed his car keys out the window and denied ever driving the vehicle.

You Can't Use Aliens as an Excuse

MARSEILLE, France - In emergency situations, it is acceptable for motorists to speed. For instance, if a man's wife is in labor, his breaking of the traffic laws may be deemed excusable by authorities. But when a Frenchman raced through a motorway road block and in turn triggered a high-speed police chase, his excuse didn't have authorities convinced. He told them he was fleeing from aliens. Although a breathalyzer test for alcohol proved negative, police are still awaiting the results of drug tests and a psychiatric examination.
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Traffic Ticket Excuses

[These are actual excuses that people have given to police officers to attempt getting out of a ticket.]

One night while on patrol, Sergeant Dave Hoffman of Naperville, IL saw a car sail through a red light without even slowing down. When he pulled the car over and asked the girl why she hadn't stopped, she told him she had just had her brakes repaired and it was so expensive that she didn't want to wear them down. She was given the ticket.

John Ferguson of North College Hill P.D. in Ohio, stopped a car for speeding and asked the young lady why she wasn't wearing her seatbelt. She told him she was an exotic dancer and the seatbelt pinched her nipple rings and hurt. She offered to show Ferguson in case he didn't believe her. She was found guilty by a judge in court and he told her he didn't need to see the evidence.

Although this didn't happen to him, officer Roope Letho of Espoo, Finland, relayed this excuse an older officer had once received: "I can't help it, constable. Someone has hypnotized me to park illegally!"

When officer Gary Lenon of Mecosta County Sheriff Department pulled a car over for going 80 MPH in a 55 MPH zone, the driver explained that a bee had been flying around his head, so he sped up in hopes that the bee couldn't fly that fast and would be unable to fly out of the back seat area to get near him.
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Dumb Work Excuses

"I forgot what day it was. I thought it was the weekend."

"My wife and son took both cars, and when I went outside, there was nothing in the driveway."

"I am stuck in the blood-pressure machine down at the WalMart."

"I'm sorry I didn't make it! My car broke down; I ran out of gas; my mother died; I had to go to the doctor; there was an earthquake. It wasn't my fault!"

"My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son."

"My roommate locked me in the bathroom."

"I hit a mountain lion on the way to work."

"The jury I was on was sequestered, and we weren't allowed to leave or contact the outside world."

"The dog was asleep behind the car, so I couldn't back out of the driveway."

"Sorry. I thought I had already put in my 2 weeks' notice."



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