Female-centric Humor



Battle of the Sexes #1

Battle of the Sexes #2

  NEW! Marriage and Relationship humor has moved to it's own page!

For these books on Gender-based humor, go to Amazon.com

Dick for a Day: What Would You Do if You Had One? Was it Something I Said? A Gender Translation Guide for all Occasions
Male-centric Humor (on their own page)
Dumb Male Jokes -- Female Rants 11/15/00
Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees
Great Female Comebacks
Instructions for using ATM machines
A Call from Mom
Why Don't You Bet Your Age?
Age and Womanhood
The Pre Nuptial Agreement 
If it Had Been Three Wise Women 
Interesting Weight-Loss Technique 
Things Only a Mother Can Teach 
A Long Poem to Remember 
What I Want in a Man
Important Information for Women
An All-Female Flight Crew
And God Created Woman
Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
Bra Sizing Defined
Andy Rooney on Women Over 40
Why Women Are Cranky
The Female Stress Diet
Advice for Young Women - 1950 vs. 1980
10 Ways to Tell if You Have PMS
Two guys and a girl sitting at a bar talking about their professions
51 Reasons Why It's Better to be a Woman
A Flat-chested Woman Buying a Bra 
Cosmetic Surgery 
Getting a Personal Trainer for Her Birthday 
PMS and Lightbulb Changing  
If She Caught Her Husband With Another Woman  
Be Nice to Women Drivers, Because...  
Women Drivers Are a Hazard to Traffic  
I Wanna be a Bear! A Female Bear
Suburban Survivor
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
They Only Hire Married Men
Men are Like 9/24/2002
101 reasons women prefer cucumbers to men
Breakthrough Medications...For Women Only
What Faces Women Find Attractive
He'll Do Anything for $20
A Woman's Prayer


Dumb Male Jokes

Women's Rants

bullet Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
bullet Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
bullet Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
bullet Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.
bullet Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can understand them.
bullet Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity.
bullet If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?
bullet Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
bullet Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!
bullet Q: Why are men like kitchen tiles?
A: if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life!
bullet Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: All the good ones are taken, and all that's left are the handicapped ones.
bullet Q: What's that ugly lump of flesh called on the end of a penis?
A: A man.
bullet Q: How is a man unlike a government bond?
A: Government bonds will someday mature.
bullet Q: What is the perfect man?
A: A gingerbread man... He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off!
bullet Q: Why do men float better than women?
A: 'Cause men are scum!
bullet Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
A: So they can get some air to their brains.
bullet Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
bullet Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
bullet Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
bullet Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
bullet Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
bullet Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: one... men will screw anything.
bullet Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
A: So they can tell if their Coming or Going...
bullet So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam replies, "The good news." God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?" And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."
bullet The Smartest Man In The World
There were 3 people in a crashing plane: The smartest man in the world, the president and a little girl. And there were only two parachutes. The smartest man stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life - you take the last parachute." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry - we can both have one, the smartest man took my backpack."
bullet Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
bullet Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
bullet A man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man ?
bullet What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...A prick is the guy who owns it.
bullet Behind every great man is a great woman ... and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
bullet Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich.
bullet Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for Dickheads!
bullet Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.
bullet A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women. You know what happened? He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle!
bullet Men are like bagpipes... You won't get anything unless you blow them first.
bullet If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
bullet Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!
bullet What's the definition of a bastard?
A man who boinks you all night with a 2 inch penis, then kisses you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.
bullet Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Cause their balls show.

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Advice for Young Women - 1950 vs. 1980

The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now the updated version for the 90s woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

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10 Ways to Tell if You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.

The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE...you know...
Young, Urban Professional.

The second guy says...:" I'm a DINK ...you know...
Dual Income No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied... "I'm a WIFE...you know...

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Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
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Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Mass Transportation:

"Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees"

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject.

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instruction every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick, and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
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Instructions for using ATM machines


1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Insert card.
3. Enter PIN number.
4. Take cash, card and receipt.
5. Drive away.


1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Back up and forward to get closer.
3. Shut off engine.
4. Put keys in purse.
5. Get out of car because you're still too far from machine.
6. Hunt for card in purse.
7. Insert card.
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN.
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit, "Cancel" button.
12. Re-enter correct PIN.
13. Check balance.
14. Look in purse for pen.
15. Look for envelope.
16. Make out deposit slip.
17. Endorse check.
18. Make deposit.
19. Study instructions.
20. Make cash withdrawal.
21. Get in car.
22. Check makeup.
23. Start pulling away.
24. Stop.
25. Back up to machine.
26. Get out of car.
27. Take card and receipt.
28. Get back in car.
29. Enter deposit and withdrawal in checkbook.
30. Put car in reverse.
31. Put car in drive.
32. Drive 3 miles.
33. Release parking brake.

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A Call from Mom

The harried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes.  I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
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Why Don't You Bet Your Age?

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas.

She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
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A Flat-chested Woman Buying a Bra

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
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Age and Womanhood

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
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The Pre Nuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five "whole" minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more "foreplay".

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention "often" your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every "possible" inch of my body, and will always love your "weekend" beard...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women.

I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything "mechanical".

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
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Cosmetic Surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa ~ I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
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If it Had Been Three Wise Women

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise  Men?

They would have asked directions
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Cleaned the stable
Made a casserole
Brought practical gifts
There would be Peace on Earth

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Getting a Personal Trainer for Her Birthday

For anyone who has attempted to start an exercise program...

For my Birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tony, who identified himself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting for me. (He is something of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!) Tony gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to all those rippling muscles. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his weight training class after my own workout today. Very inspiring) Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he put weights on it!! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's w whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair master. (Why in blazes would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?)Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my shoes. Tony took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hide in the Ladies' room. He sent Barbie to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank.

I hate Tony more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, puffed-up peacock!) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Tony wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Punk!!)The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher? Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun...like a root canal or a mammogram.
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Interesting Weight-Loss Technique

Two housewives were discussing their home lives over shopping. One said, "It seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset over our last fight I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another 10 pounds."
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Mid-life for ladies....

Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

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Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A:  If we don't get some help soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.

Q: What do you call a woman without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: What's the difference between a horse's tail and a man's tie?
A: The horse's tail covers up the entire asshole.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:
One is to take her shopping. The rest is 69.  

There's a new invention on the market, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can feel her best when she is at her worst.

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man." -Erica Jong

Q: What do men and floor tiles have in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
- If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.

Q: Why did God invent man???
A: Because vibrators can't take out the trash or mow the lawn!

Q: Did you hear about the honey and alum douche? A: It makes it sweeter for the eater and tighter for the peter.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway....

My husband bought me a mood ring for Christmas. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.

In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care, they would have married him anyway.

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PMS and Lightbulb Changing

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$! #@!... HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
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The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to ‘take off all her clothes.’
2. The Dentist - who tells her to ‘open wide.’
3. The Milkman - who asks her ‘do you want it in the front or the back?’
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her ‘do you want it teased or blown?’
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her ‘once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!’
6. The Banker - who insists to her ‘if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!’
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her ‘Keep quiet and lie still!’
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The four animals a woman needs in her life:

1.) A Jaguar in her driveway

2.) A Mink in her closet

3.) A Tiger in her bed


4.) A Jackass to pay for it all
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Things Only a Mother Can Teach

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like"
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If She Caught Her Husband With Another Woman...

"Dana," asked Kim thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with MY husband?" Dana thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
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Be Nice to Women Drivers, Because...

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.  

This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.  I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.  Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.  

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper.  I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.  That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.  Statistically, half of these are driven by a female, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.  That's 642.  

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449.  

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?.....I think not.
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A Long Poem to Remember

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any,
shopping spree
Don't go to a barber,
But a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
Without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
About the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
And yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
To others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
At any cost.
'Cos I don't have a problem,
Admitting I'm lost!
I never forget,
An important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't always watch movies,
With lots of gore.
I don't need instant replay,
To remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
And I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do much better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you talk to my face,
Not to my chest!
I don't have a problem,
With expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying, \
'Cos you look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a bird,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
So remember that QUICK!!!!!!!!!!!
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Women Drivers Are a Hazard to Traffic

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dang makeup!!!

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
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What I Want in a Man

What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover  

  What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week  

  What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends  

  What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends  

  What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend  

  What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing  

2. Doesn't miss the toilet   
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I Wanna be a Bear! A Female Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

I wanna be a bear.

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Important Information for Women

  • Discover the Benefits of Worshiping & Adoring Your Man's Penis!
  • Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.
  • If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories.
  • A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
  • Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.
  • Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
  • Intercourse prevents divorce.
  • Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
  • Sex eliminates headaches.
  • Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chances of getting into heaven.
  • Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

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An All-Female Flight Crew

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the entire crew is female."

"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
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Suburban Survivor

This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show

6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 A.M; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".
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And God Created Woman

And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young. And God spoke, saying to her, "Woman I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters, and you have given me two glorious hands, arms, feet, legs...etc.. I do not need but two breasts."

And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom." There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done, and Woman stood there holding her third breast in her hand.

"What am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman asked. And so it was, that God created man.
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A Woman's Perfect Breakfast:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl,....and her
husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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They Only Hire Married Men

In a small town in New Jersey, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."
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Men are like...

bullet Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
bullet Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
bullet Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY
bullet Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why
bullet Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard
bullet Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
bullet Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
bullet Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
bullet Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
bullet Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
bullet Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
bullet Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
bullet Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
bullet Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
bullet Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
bullet Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
bullet Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
bullet Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
bullet Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
bullet Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
bullet Men are like.....Plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
bullet Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
bullet Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
bullet Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
bullet Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
bullet Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
bullet Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
bullet Men are like.....Slinkies
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Rita Rudner's Facts About Men

bullet Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
bullet Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
bullet If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
bullet Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
bullet If you need attention, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
bullet Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
bullet All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
bullet A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
bullet Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
bullet Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
bullet All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
bullet Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
bullet Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
bullet Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
bullet Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
bullet When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
bullet Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
bullet Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
bullet Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
bullet Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
bullet Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks."
On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
bullet Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
bullet Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
bullet When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight.
bullet When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
bullet Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
bullet Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
bullet Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
bullet All men would still really like to own a train set.

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Breakthrough Medications...For Women Only

D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

S t. M o m 's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - A l l
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
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Bra Sizing Defined

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes ???
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
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What Faces Women Find Attractive

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.
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Andy Rooney on Women Over 40

"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.

A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her younger cousin could never dream of.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.
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He'll Do Anything for $20

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,

"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."
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Why Women Are Cranky

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old, only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).

Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (that is, IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for the first few months of pregnancy, so we don't spend the entire day leaning over "Brother John" (our porcelain potty buddy). Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us, steadily kicking our innards night and day, making us wonder if we're about to give birth to Rosemary's Baby. Our once-flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole, and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the store while shopping, and we'll waddle with our big, swollen, water-retentive, cartoon feet while moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the obstetrician says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more (which is really 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (as well as hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

And then there's the teen years. Need I say more?

Once the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (nice timing, but explains the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "Menopause," the grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT (hormones) and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

So, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy... INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks. Now, I love being a woman, but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby!

And they call women the "weaker sex."? Yeah, right. Bite me.
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A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord,

I pray for
Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and
Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll beat him to death.

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The Female Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

1 Grapefruit
1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit
The rest of the biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping 1 jar Nutella
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers bars
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)



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