French Jokes

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French Jokes 11/17/04
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Anti-US War Sentiment
A Detailed Map of France
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French Jokes

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

A tourist from France goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.

The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write, 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled, 'SEX'.

The official explains, "No, no, no.  That is not what we mean by this question. We want to know either 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

An American couple are holidaying in a part of Africa that still has cannibalism. They come across a restaurant with a sign in the window:

Today's Specials :- Americans, Germans & English - $10/lb., French $20/lb.

The husband is curious and goes in to ask the owner why the price difference.

"How come eating a Frenchman is so much more expensive compared to the others?" asked the Americans.

The owner replied, Have you ever tried to CLEAN one?"

"In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don't translate to French either: military victory, deodorant..." --Jay Leno

Q: Did you hear about the mixed up Parisianne Cop?
A: He got off his whistle and blew his horse!

Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who died from drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on him.

Q:  Why do Frenchmen always wear yellow ties?
A:  To match their teeth! 

Q:  Did you hear about the French businessman who went broke?
A:  He imported 250,000 cans of underarm deodorant to France and didn't sell a single one.

Q: Why is Air France Concorde such good value for money?
A: You get the hotel thrown in at no extra charge.

Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.

Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.

Q: Whats the best place to hide your money ?
A: under the soap of a frenchman

Q: how can you tell if a frechmen has been in your backyard?
A: your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!

Q: Do you know what the difference between a Frenchman is and a chimpanzee?
A: One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his ass all the time. The other is a chimpanzee.

Q: Why don't cheeseburgers sell well in France
A: Because they don't smell like crap.

Q: What's the difference between Iraq and France?
A: Iraq had a Baath party for years, and France hasn't had a party to a bath in years.

Q: What would it take to give Mad Cow Disease a good name?
A: Send it to France.

Q: Did you know there is an orthodoxed maneuver in chess called the La Francias maneuver?
A: Move your pawn, panic, surrender, then call the U.S. Army for help.

Q. How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A. Sunburned armpits!!

Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
A: In France.

Q: Why do zee French have zee onion and zee Arabs has zee oil?
A: Because zee French had zee first pick.

Q: Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?
A: Because she has only one arm raised.

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
—Norman Schwarzkopf

Here's a computer tip for you:
..If you install the French versions of your favorite software programs, they run a lot faster!

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." -Marge Simpson

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."
-David Letterman

A psychology professor decided to study the way in which different people from different parts of Europe have sex with sheep.

He traveled first to Wales, where he asks a farmer to explain his method: "Well, boyo, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with me velcro gloves, and we're well away. Tidy!" 

The professor tries Scotland next: "Hoots an' toots man, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with me velcro gloves, and we're  well away. Och aye tha noo!" 

The professor moves on to Germany: "Well, I find the most efficient way is to grab her with my velcro gloves, and we're well away.

The professor is noticing a pattern developing, so he decides to try France, and then end his investigation.  He stops a bloke by the Eiffel tower named Pierre, and asks him to explain the French method: "Well monsieur, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, sling her front legs over me shoulders, and that's all there is to it!"

The professor is excited to have found some national variation and tells Pierre that this is different to the methods of the Scots, Welsh and Germans. "How do they do it then?" asks Pierre, and the professor explains. Pierre on hearing the explanation walks off disgusted. "What! No kissing?"

An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just generally shooting the breeze.

The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means, 'cold blood', but what does it *mean*?"

The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!"

The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang froid!"

"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *can* continue, *zat* is sang froid!".


During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.

"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big -- she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."

"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"


Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."


You are the President of the United States of American, when it is announced that an asteroid about the size of France capable of completely destroying the country is headed straight for France. It is calculated that it will strike France at 2:30 in the morning in two days.

The United Nations and the French president plead with you to re-deploy planes and ships away from the war on terror and the war in Iraq to help defend the country. You are the president of the greatest and most powerful nation on earth. What do you do?

A: You stay up late and watch it live on television.

B: You tape it and watch it in the morning.


The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY."

"The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow."


When God created the earth, he created this one place that was especially nice. It had big, nice mountains, nice cities, excellent wine fields, etc. He called it France.

So when God created the rest of the world, everybody was like, "Why the hell does France get all the nice stuff?"
since God was a nice and fair guy, he created the French people.


Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when he suddenly turned and asked the Frenchman: "Excuse me. Do you speak German?"

The Frenchman replied "No."

Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome."

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Anti-US War Sentiment

Donald Rumsfeld Quote:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordian."
(also attributed to H. Ross Perot and Norman Schwartzkopf)

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was asked this question:
"Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're talking with the French."
The Secretary smiled and replied:
"I'm not going there!"

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!

Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII?
A: "Table for One Hundred Thousand?".

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.

Q: How do you know when the French are guarding your fort?
A: They walk around with a white flag!

Q:  Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? 
A:  Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender!

Q: Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?
A: Because she has only one arm raised.

The French Army Theme Song:
"Be Our Guest!! Be Our Guest!!!"

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

With the Concorde crash of a few years ago the French killed more Germans than in two World Wars!


"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's Fool" by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi
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Information to Boycott France is leading the Boycott France campaign because
American lives and security is at stake.

France has every right to disagree with America. But France has moved from simple dissent to active hostility toward America.

French President Chirac warned East European nations that if they side with America, France will oppose their membership in the European Union.

This week, William Safire reported in the New York Times that France has been secretly helping to arm Iraq -- and has been helping Iraq build long range missiles. These same missiles may soon be used against American soldiers.

Just as France is exercising its right to disagree, Americans can exercise their right to boycott -- and avoid helping companies and countries that do no stand with America.

French Products and Companies to Boycott

The following companies are subject to boycott:

** Air France. Air Liquide. Airbus. Alcatel. Allegra (allergy medication). Aqualung (including: Spirotechnique, Technisub, US Divers, and SeaQuest). AXA Advisors.

** Bank of the West (owned by BNP Paribas). Beneteau (boats). BF Goodrich (owned by Michelin). BIC (razors, pens and lighters). Biotherm (cosmetics). Black Bush. Bollinger (champagne).

** Car & Driver Magazine. Cartier. Chanel. Chivas Regal (scotch). Christian Dior. Club Med (vacations). Culligan (owned by Vivendi).

** Dannon (yogurt and dairy foods). DKNY. Dom Perignon. Durand Crystal.

** Elle Magazine. Essilor Optical Products. Evian.

** Fina gas stations and Fina Oil (billions invested in Iraqi oil fields). First Hawaiian Bank.

** George Magazine. Givenchy. Glenlivet (scotch).

** Hennessy. Houghton Mifflin (books).

** Jacobs Creek (owned by Pernod Ricard since 1989). Jameson (whiskey). Jerry Springer (talk show)

** Krups (coffee and cappuccino makers).

** Lancome. Le Creuset (cookware). L'Oreal (health and beauty products). Louis Vuitton.

** Marie Claire. Martel Cognac. Maybelline. Méphisto (shoes and clothes). Michelin (tires and auto parts). Mikasa (crystal and glass). Moet (champagne). Motel 6. Motown Records. Mumms (champagne).

** Nissan (cars; majority owned by Renault). Nivea. Normany Butter.

** Parents Magazine. Peugeot (automobiles). Pierre Cardin. Playstation Magazine. ProScan (owned by Thomson Electronics, France). Publicis Group (including Saatchi & Saatchi Advertising).

** RCA (televisions and electronics; owned by Thomson Electronics). Red Magazine. Red Roof Inns (owned by Accor group in France). Renault (automobiles). Road & Track Magazine. Roquefort cheese (all Roquefort cheese is made in France). Rowenta (toasters, irons, coffee makers, etc.). Royal Canadian.

** Salomon (skis). Sierra Software and Computer Games. Smart & Final. Sofitel (hotels, owned by Accor). Sparkletts (water, owned by Danone). Spencer Gifts. Sundance Channel.

** Taylor Made (golf). Technicolor. T-Fal (kitchenware). Total gas stations.

** UbiSoft (computer games). Uniroyal. Universal Studios (music, movies and amusement parks; owned by Vivendi -Universal). USFilter.

** Veritas Group. Veuve Clicquot Champagne. Vittel. Vivendi.

** Wild Turkey (bourbon). Woman's Day Magazine.

** Yoplait (The French company Sodiaal owns a 50 percent stake). Yves Saint Laurent.

** Zodiac Inflatable Boats.

P.S.: Thanks to GOP lawmakers, cafeterias in the U.S. House of Representatives will today start offering "freedom fries" instead of you know what.

Please e-mail this to as many friends and family as you can. Send a message to France that will not be forgotten!

Also, join NewsMax's Boycott France campaign. Check out our national ad campaign and help us inform America.

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A Lady Bought a New Lexus

A lady bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of theirs.

One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him.

"ASSHOLE!" she yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play.
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Breaking News from Paris, France
April 28, 2003
Fireworks Ban In France

France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

Taking a page from French history, based on the fact that Napoleon used to wear a blood red vest into battle so that if wounded, his blood would blend with his vest and not realizing he was wounded his troops would not lose spirit, the Modern French Army issued all troops brown pants.


The makers of French's Mustard recently released the following statement:

"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY.

The only thing we have in common with the French is that we are both yellow!"

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