A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
A man came home from the Social Security Office. "Honey," he said to his wife, "I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security."
"How?" his wife asked. "Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate."
"I know," the man replied, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough."
wife retorted, "Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out
your dick and get disability, too?!"
Two old people meet in a bar and go home together. After a passionate encounter, they are lying beside each other, staring at the ceiling. The man is thinking, "Gee, if I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
the old woman is thinking, "Gee, if I'd known the old geezer could
get it up I would've taken my panties off!"
A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem-a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The
wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey,
where's the toast?"
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said "fuck you".
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is an example from 1999:
who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
Do you feel old now?
the people who don't know these things will be in college this year.
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's
It seems an older gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
A month later he returned to the to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three
decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels
really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a newsstand
and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope
you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About
35", was the reply. "I'm actually 47", the man says, feeling
year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the
Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on
old man had a doctor's appointment
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.
"I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12years...chatting, and enjoying each othersí friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,.... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years... What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for
two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says.... How soon do
you have to know?
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,
but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered then a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died
of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement and new knees. I've fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation,
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
I have lost all my friends, but thank God, I still have my Florida driversí
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the small town where they first met. Inside the cafe they used to frequent, the man said to the woman, "Remember the field where we first made love? I propped you up against the fence."
She nodded her head yes. "Why don't we go there and do it again for old times sake?" Giggling she agreed. Not noticing but a police officer was in the next booth and heard the conversation. He thought he'd better follow them and make sure no one disturbed them.
The couple got to the field, took off their clothes and the man placed the woman against the fence. From the bushes the policeman watched as they gyrated all over the fence. He watched as they did things he never even thought of doing. After five minutes they stopped, fell to the ground and slowly got up and dressed themselves.
As they approached the bushes the policeman stepped out and said, "I just followed you to make sure no one bothered you. That was the most wonderful love making I've ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
really," replied the old man. "When we were young that fence
Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock
on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That
must be the door, I'll get it."
on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until
they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and
complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived,
as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man
said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She
is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to
my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we
do it here for $32.00,and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit
to the doctor's office."
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase women!" He smiled at them with eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow I'm going to celebrate my 90th birthday!"
drawled one of the young listeners, "How?"
Sunday, August 17, 1997; The Washington Post
Report from Week 228, in which readers were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder you had it in the old days:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time for prayer" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of
the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did... (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
In my day, we didn't
have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing
you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford,
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady
says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around
by my nipples a few times."
Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting in a Catskill hotel lobby, people-watching.
"You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this "Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Esther, "I think we had Allstate."
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied "every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "That,
and canceling my voyage on Titanic."
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. "Well, my wife ain't home," said the man. "She's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God! How'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed
up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw
the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the
hussy he's been foolin' around with!"
A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going
all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's
just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take
my blood pressure pill."
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl
says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not
all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.
After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They meet in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is, again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one........you're a great lover Morris."
Morris looks confused,
and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"
An elderly couple was visiting New York's fashion district when the wife noticed her husband staring at the models in their short skirts and revealing blouses.
"Henry," his wife said, "stop that! You look like you've never seen a woman's legs or breasts before!"
he replied somewhat sadly, "I was just thinking the exact same thing
A couple in their 80's had been married for over 50 years. They had not had sex in so long that the wife decided to try something different to get her husband aroused. She went to an exotic shop and bought a satin red cape. She went home and ran upstairs to get ready while her husband sat in front of the TV watching football.
She ran downstairs and stood directly in front of the TV with nothing but the cape and and yelled at her husband, "Are you ready for some SUPER SEX?!"
The husband kept his
eyes on the television and said, "I'll take the soup."
"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it
seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and
I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
There was this really old guy at a dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"
"I'm willing, let's go," she said.
They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".
Surprised, she replied,
"If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would
have taken off my pantyhose!"
Two old ladies are having a smoke outside their nursing home when it starts to rain.
Lady 2 pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette.
Lady 1 : "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom"
Lady 1 : "What's it for?"
Lady 2 : "Keeps my cigarette dry."
Lady 1 : "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 2 : "At the drug store."
The next day Lady 1 hobbles herself to the drugstore and announces to the pharmacist she wants a package of condoms. He looks at her kind of strangely (she is in her 80s, after all), but politely asks her what brand she wants.
she says, "as long as it fits a Camel."
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"
With one eye open,
his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out,
this would be a good time to wash it."
A woman saw a little, gray old man rocking in a chair on his porch and decided to start a friendly conversation.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a bottle of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."