Geriatric Amusement II

Don't Miss the Original Geriatric Amusement Page!


An Old Man Goes to Get Viagra
Returned Unopened
Flasher Accosts Three Old Ladies
She's Offering Super Pussy
Mildred Attempts Suicide
An 80-year-old Man Confesses...
You Mean I Have to Use Tacks?
Cinderella Gets Three Wishes 
What Does She Have That I Don't? ...Parkinsons 
A Spinster's Will 
82 Year-Old Loses His Virginity (true) 
Sam's New Boots 
Miss Annie Has a Condom on Her Organ 
If You're Going To Start Using That Rusty Old Thing Again...  
It Must be the Arthritis  
Sex in Sun City (true)
A 78-Year-Old Man's Secret to Staying in Shape  
My Forgetter 
Streaking Through the Flower Show  
Describing What They Could Buy For a Penny 
Re-telling An African Hunting Story 
A Telephone Conversation Overheard 
An 84-Year-Old Wants a Divorce 
Whole Wheat Bread is the Secret
Longevity Genes
Elaine, It's For You!
Registering for Wedding Gifts at a Pharmacy
My Affliction Is...
Grandpa Honks the Horn by Mistake
The Sex Has Gone Down Hill
An Old Woman Sobbing on a Bench
He's Doing About Three Nots
Thoughts on Growing Older
History Exam for Seniors
God Turns on the Light
Grandpa Wants a Blowjob
The Memory Clinic
Women Have all the Luck
He Can't Remember Her Answer
Mr. Goldstein's Penis Has Died
On the Subject of Middle Age
Blondes, Brunettes and Redheads
Maybe You Could Just Drop it In
Send me the Pearl and Re-bait the Trap 
OLD Is When... 
Morris Develops a Drip After Sex 
Old Lady Holds Her Hat While Her Dress Blows Up 
Horny Seniors Given the Boot 
The Damned Things are Growing Wild 
Two Old Ladies at the Museum 
Interesting Use for a Condom 
An Old Lady at an Art Exhibit 
An Octogenarian's Wedding Night 
Don't Pay Any Attention To Him - He's Senile 
Let's Have Sex Against The Fence... 
I Like it Infrequently 
Amazingly Effective Wrinkle Remover 
Jury Duty Exemption for Her Age 
Getting Her Husband to Stop Biting His Nails
Letter From Grandma
I Think My Wife's Hearing is Going
Oh Shit! Am I driving?
Do You Have A.A.A.D.D.?
Pet Names
Playing a Trick on Grandpa
8 Signs Your Grandparents Are Sexually Active
The Worst Age to Be
She's Forgotten Her Best Friend's Name
Re-bait the Trap
I'm Not Going to Die a Virgin
Mildred Decides to Commit Suicide
One-Liners 10/24/03
Great Genes

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.


The Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."

"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
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An Old Man Goes to Get Viagra

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going ?"

The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."

Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater.

Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the doctor, too".


She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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Women Have all the Luck

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
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Returned Unopened

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"
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He Can't Remember Her Answer

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
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Flasher Accosts Three Old Ladies

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by.  The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke.  But, the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.
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Mr. Goldstein's Penis Has Died

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "I thought you told me your penis had died?"

"It did," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
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She's Offering Super Pussy

An old lady in a nursing home was really hot to trot one day. She slipped into her nicest dress (with nothing on underneath) and proceeded down the hall to find her a stud. She came to the first door to see a bunch of men watching the big screen. She walked in, put her leg up on the lazy-boy and said, "SUPER PUSSY!"

The men just turned, looked her up and down and shook there heads. Still feeling frisky she walked down the hall to the next room where she saw another bunch of men. One was playing the piano, so she threw her leg up on the stool and yelled, "SUPER PUSSY!"

Again the men just shook there heads and turned away. She needed a man. So she continued to walk down the hall to the cafeteria. There she finds some men at a table. She throws her leg up on it and yells. "SUPER PUSSY!"

Well this old boy stops in his tracks, checks her up and down real good, and says, "I think I'll have the soup."
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On the Subject of Middle Age

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know about it till the 4th of July
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Mildred Attempts Suicide

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Blondes, Brunettes and Redheads

There were two old men sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman walks by.

One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A redhead walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?"

The other old man says, "Not a wink."
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An 80-year-old Man Confesses...

There was this eighty year old man who went into the church and entered the confessional. He said to the priest: "I am eighty years old, have a wife and four children and eleven grandchildren. I have always been faithful, but last night I met two eighteen year old girls and we made love all night."

"When was the last time you were at confession?" asked the priest.

"Never," said the old man, "I'm Jewish." "Then why are you telling me?" asked the priest.

"I'm telling everyone," said the old man.
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Maybe You Could Just Drop it In

A little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!
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You Mean I Have to Use Tacks?

A long-widowed man becomes interested in an acquaintance. In anticipation, he went into a drug store to buy a box of condoms, something he hadn't done in a long time. He found a box that costs $5.00 and took it up to the counter. The clerk rang it up and said, "That'll be $5.25."

The guy asks what the extra 25 cents is for and the clerk replies that it's for tax. Hearing this, the old guy replies, "Tacks? Geeze, we used to just roll them on!"
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Send me the Pearl and Re-bait the Trap

An elderly couple was on a cruise and the water was really rough. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched and searched, but couldn't find her. The captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we finally found your wife at the bottom of the ocean, and she was dead. As a side issue, the medical examiner found an oyster stuck in her vagina, and inside it as a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap. Regards,"
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Cinderella Gets Three Wishes

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Willie for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here, after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? I will give you three wishes." Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Willie, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat, cowering in the corner, and says, "I wish for you to transform Willie, my faithful old cat, into a handsome young man." Magically, Willie suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to swoop from the sky to sing at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Willie and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Willie walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her soft golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
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OLD Is When...

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
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What Does She Have That I Don't? ...Parkinsons

Howard is a 95 year old man who lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to the secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening Annabel, 87 years of age, wanders into the garden and asks if she can join Howard. "Of course," Howard replies. "Have a seat!" They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed engaged in pleasant conversation.

After a short lull, Howard turns to Annabel and says, "Do you know what I miss most of all at age 95?".

The lady replies "No, what would that be, Howard?".

"Sex" Howard confesses somewhat sheepishly.

"Why, you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!".

"I know, but it would be nice if a women would just hold it for a while," replies Howard.

"I can oblige," says Annabel, and gently removes his manhood from his trousers, and proceeds simply to hold it.

After a while, they agree to secretly meet every Wednesday night in the garden for friendly conversation and the holding of Howard's member.

Several weeks go by as agreed. After six or seven weeks, Annabel arrives at their spot, but Howard is nowhere to be found. A bit concerned, she decides to walk around the rear of the Senior Center to the men's dormitory to see if Howard is all right. About halfway to her destination, she passes the pool area, and sees Howard sitting next to the spa with another woman.

Annabel approaches the couple, and to her amazement sees that the woman is holding Howard's manhood.

"You old two-timing fossil!" she announces loudly. "I can't believe you stood me up for another woman! What does this hussy have that I don't have?"

Howard smiles sweetly, looks up at her and replies, "Parkinson's."
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A Spinster's Will

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
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Morris Develops a Drip After Sex

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure did!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Yes,...but why?"

"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."
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82 Year-Old Loses His Virginity

JACKSON, Mississippi - Bachelor Trenton Wilgins has gone public with some startling news. He says that he has finally lost his virginity at the tender age of eighty-two! He waited this long because he wanted to save himself for marriage but couldn't wait any longer. Trenton said, "I didn't want to die without having sex just once." Bizarre readers might want to know what the octogenarian thought of his roll in the hay? "The sex was okay, but it's not as good as a mess of barbecued ribs."
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Old Lady Holds Her Hat While Her Dress Blows Up

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her face.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old; this hat is brand new!"
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Sam's New Boots

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."


To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
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Horny Seniors Given the Boot

LONDON, England All of London was abuzz recently when nine residents of the Edith Scarborough Nursing Home were told that they must find a new place to live after they attempted a late-night orgy. That's right, they were caught in the recreation room attempting to have a sex party to the exotic sounds of the rumba music. Their ages ranged from 78 to 95.
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Miss Annie Has a Condom on Her Organ

Miss Annie was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things... a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Annie had flipped or something...!

But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Annie," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
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The Damned Things are Growing Wild

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to poke the penis with her cane. She turned to the other little old lady and said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
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I Just Subtracted 274 from Tuesday

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Two Old Ladies at the Museum

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said. "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

And the first old lady blurted out, "And cold, too!"
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If You're Going To Start Using That Rusty Old Thing Again...

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going ?"

The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."

Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater.

Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the doctor, too".


She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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Interesting Use for a Condom

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.   One of the ladies pulled  out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,  and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces that she wants a box of condoms.  The pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely  (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),  but he politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
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It Must be the Arthritis

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman resident. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and says that when everybody else goes on a day trip they should stay behind at the home and get it on.
The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely one can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says, "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder, it hurts so badly I can't wipe my ass properly."
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An Old Lady at an Art Exhibit

A feisty little old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye and she inquired of the tour guide, "What on earth is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
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Finally a Barbie I can relate to!

At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face  turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Come with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
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An Octogenarian's Wedding Night

An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom, ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door and there there stands the old guy -- ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again, fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough energy to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age that were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"
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Sex in Sun City

SUN CITY, Arizona: Sun City is a retirement community in Arizona, where the average age is about 78.  A recent epidemic of public sexual displays...on the golf courses, on park benches, and other recreational areas has caused quite an uproar.

Not all residents are equally amorous. There has been a backlash from an opposition group who want these aging adolescents to take it indoors. Mauryne Hall, spokesperson for the opposition group is not against sex. She blames the recent increase in "energy" to the drug Viagra. She saves most of her displeasure for "aging queers who practice lewd, public homosexual acts."

Ms. Hall has formed a vigilante group headed by none other than... Dick Cherry. 
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A 78-Year-Old Man's Secret to Staying in Shape

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"

"I am 78." The man said.

"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down." the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
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Don't Pay Any Attention To Him - He's Senile

A couple are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary - they go down to their old school - there, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On the way home, a bag of money falls out of the armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic.

The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile."

So they sit the man down and begin to question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get the hell out of here."
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My Forgetter

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke,

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Generally, you're right it's me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who's that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

Now, who did I send this to...
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Let's Have Sex Against The Fence...

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
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Streaking Through the Flower Show 

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For two bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did it go?" asked his friend.

"Great!" he said,
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I Like it Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?
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Describing What They Could Buy For a Penny

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she once could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
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Amazingly Effective Wrinkle Remover

An elderly couple go camping for the first time in a good long while. There they are, sitting by the cracking fire, and the woman says to her husband, "I think I'll go take off my bra since no one is around."

The husband says, "Sure honey, go right ahead."

So the old woman disappears into the tent, returning a few moments later she poses in front of the fire. "How do I look?"

"Wonderful!" says he. "Took all the wrinkles out of your face."
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Re-telling An African Hunting Story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
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Jury Duty Exemption for Her Age

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get any younger?"
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A Telephone Conversation Overheard

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea.  And the same goes for body piercing.  As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.

Then came the 'coup de grace':  "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
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An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

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An 84-Year-Old Wants a Divorce

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."
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Getting Her Husband to Stop Biting His Nails

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My William used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."


"I hid his teeth."
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Whole Wheat Bread is the Secret

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding. I can't even manage to do it once. What's your secret?"

Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."

So the second old man rushes to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."

The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get hard before you're done."
The old man says, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

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Longevity Genes

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

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I Think My Wife's Hearing is Going

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, Honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"

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Elaine, It's For You!

An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a knock on their door late one night. Morris, the husband got up to answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man staring back at him.

"Oh, this is terrible! I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!" the old man screamed.

"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist."

"Oh, thank goodness!" said Morris with much relief. Then he shouted, "Elaine, it's for you!"
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Oh Shit! Am I driving?

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"
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Registering for Wedding Gifts at a Pharmacy

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in, where he addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers " Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, I guess we might as well register our wedding gift list with these guys!"
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Do You Have A.A.A.D.D.?

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks.

But first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the Coke on the counter and uh oh!

There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put the away first. I fill the container with water and head for the flowerpots. Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!! !! I realize this is a serious condition and Ill get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my email.

Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I'VE SENT THIS TO!!! But please don't send it back to me or I might send it to you again!
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My Affliction Is...

Thought I'd let my doctor check me
Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad,
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded
Their results have filled a page,
What I have will someday kill me;
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Pet Names

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms...Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc....

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
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Playing a Trick on Grandpa

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
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Grandpa Honks the Horn by Mistake

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
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8 Signs Your Grandparents Are Sexually Active

8. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

7. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

5. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
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The Worst Age to Be

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
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An elderly couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?"

The old man smiles and nods and grabs his wife's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?"

He puts his arm around her.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble my ear?"

To the woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says.

The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."
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The Sex Has Gone Down Hill

An 80 year old man goes in to see the doctor.

Doctor says, "What is the problem?"

Old man says, "Well, it's my wife. Our sex life has gone down hill drastically."

The doctor replies, "How long have you been married?"

Old man, "30 years next month."

Doctor, "When did you first start noticing this?"

Old man, "Well, first last night, and then again this morning."
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She's Forgotten Her Best Friend's Name

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
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An Old Woman Sobbing on a Bench

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Re-bait the Trap

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."
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I'm Not Going to Die a Virgin

There were two old-maid sisters... both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 12:45, the front door flies open and in runs Gladys... heading straight for the bathroom.

Betty growing concerned, knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!"
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He's Doing About Three Nots

An old man, vacationing in Nevada, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?"

She replies, "About three nots."

He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"

She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!
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Thoughts on Growing Older

First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know" why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth, You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.

Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh, One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth, One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth, Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth, Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally, If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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History Exam for Seniors
(Don't peek at the answers 'til you try it.

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch . Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett

17 - 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER!

12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 - 11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!
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Mildred Decides to Commit Suicide

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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God Turns on the Light

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally? Emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Dammit! The son of a bitch has been pissing in the fridge again!"
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Two old men were sitting on a bench in the park one day and one man said to the other, "Slim, I feel 82 years old. All these aches and pains are a sign of old age. How do you feel?"

The other said, "I feel like a newborn babe. No hair, no teeth and I think I just shit my pants."


Two elderly ladies were sitting on a bench waiting for a bus, when one looked at the other and said, "I hate it when the buses run late. I've been sitting here so long that my butt has fallen asleep."

To which the other lady says, "I know. I heard it snoring."

Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like piss?
A: A conga line at a retirement home.

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Grandpa Wants a Blowjob

Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?"

"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.

"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."

"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.

"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.

Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."

Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed."

The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand and began punching the top of grandpa's penis with her right hand.
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Great Genes

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at his shape. "To what do you attribute your good health?"

I am a turkey hunter and that's why I am in good shape. Get up before daylight, chase turkeys up and down mountains."

The doctor says, "Well, I'm sure it helps, but there have to be genetic factors. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who says he's dead?"

"You're 80 years old and your dad is still alive. How old is he?"

"Dad's 100. In fact, he hunted turkeys with me this morning."

"What about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who says my grandpa's dead?"

"You're 80 years old and your your grandfather's still living? How old is he?"


"I suppose you're going to tell me he went turkey hunting this morning?"

"No. He got married."

The doctor looks at the man in amazement. "Got married? Why would a 118 year old man want to get married?"

The old timer answers, "Who says he wanted to?"


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