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Religion: Want to don scary outfits? -- Try These
By Robert Kirby An alert reader sent me a letter that circulated her neighborhood a few days ago. Written by ``a few concerned mothers,'' the letter asked everyone not to let their children dress up like vampires, ghouls, witches and spooks for Halloween. The gist of the letter was that dressing up like the undead was detrimental to the brains of small children. Among other things, it conveyed to them a false sense of legitimacy when it came to stuff like blood sucking and broom riding. The letter further suggested that children be encouraged to dress like more upbeat characters; to wit: ``clowns, cuddly animals, princesses and cowboys.'' This will, the letter claims,``encourage children to stay far from a collision with evil and grow closer to Heavenly Father during a celebration that is based on paganism.'' What a scream. Good timing: This letter couldn't have come at a better time -- namely now that I'm too old to go trick or treating. Had it come when I was much younger, my friends and I would have gone around to these ladies' houses on Halloween and shown them what happens when high-mindedness collides with a five-gallon bucket of carpet glue. Seriously, it takes a pretty big stretch of the imagination to believe that traditional Halloween costumes necessarily encourage kids to the dark side. If true, then why wouldn't dressing them up as clowns and animals alternately make them more silly or less house-broken? Frankly, a kid raised by someone who keeps him in an emotional straight-jacket stands a better chance of becoming a career criminal than some kid who dresses up as a vampire or a devil once a year. Encouragement: But then I could be wrong. For the sake of argument, let's say that dressing up like Freddy Krueger means you'll grow disturbed and confused. Rather than risk it, why not encourage your kids to dress up in more faith-promoting ways? For the sake of our kids, I've put together a list of Mormon church costumes for next year. Don't get your hopes too high, though. If you think Dracula or Frankenstein are scary, wait 'til you get a load of these.
There's a drawback to these costumes as well. After dressing up like this for a few Halloweens, your kids might not want to do it for real when they grow up. Robert
Kirby is a journalist who lives in Springville with his wife and three
children. The self-described ``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 281,
Springville, Utah, 84663.
Politically Correct Season's Greetings Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally-accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted
to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this
wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party ______________________________________________________________________________ In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party ______________________________________________________________________________ Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party ______________________________________________________________________________ What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party ______________________________________________________________________________ So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party ______________________________________________________________________________ People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party ______________________________________________________________________________ Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party ______________________________________________________________________________ I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas! One Halloween
this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with
golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as
an Angel, and was just delightful. Martha Stewart Will Not be Dining With Us (A
Change In Plans) Thanksgiving
Trivia Did you hear about the cheap vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive. Why don't
mummies take vacations? "Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake." --Unknown Q: Why don't
witches wear panties?
A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers. She says, "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?" He says, "I am a pirate captain". She says, "Well--where are your buccaneers?" He says, "Right here under my bucken hat."
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the treat bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's treat bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T * She's a
goblin! Chanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On Oy to the
World Top Ten Chanukah Holiday Rentals The figures
are finally in. The top 10 movie rental over the Chanukah holiday vacation
were: Every 14th
of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife
or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack
your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife
or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything. Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't 10. "Just
reach in and grab the giblets." . . . and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't . . 1. "It
must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out." Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner 1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more. 3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV. 4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 5. During
mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't
notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for
nothing." Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
9. Our love
will never...become cold and hollow, 8. I bought
this Valentine's Day...card at the store, 7. This
feels so good...it feels so right, 6. You're
a woman of style...you're a woman of class, 5. Before
I met you...my heart was so famished, 4. Through
all the things...that came to pass, 3. You're
a honey...and you're a cutie 2. I don't
wanna be sappy...or silly or corny, 1. If you
think that hickey...looks like a blister, Historians
claim that the first valentine was a poem sent in 1415 by Charles, Duke
of Orleans, to his wife. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the
time. In the United States, Miss Esther Howland is given credit for sending
the first valentine's cards. Commercial valentines were introduced in
the 1800's and now the date is very commercialized. The town of Loveland,
Colorado, does a large post office business around February 14. Five places adopted the name Freedom; Freedom, Calif., with 6,000 residents on Census Day 2000, had the largest population among these. There are five places across the nation with America in their name, the most populous being American Fork, Utah, with 21,941 residents on Census Day 2000. $121.6 million: U.S. imports of fireworks from China in 2001, the bulk of total U.S. fireworks imports ($128.9 million) that year.U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, amounted to $18.0 million, with Japan purchasing more than any other single country ($7.0 million). In 1999 the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission reported 8,500 fireworks-related emergency-room visits--about two-thirds of these in July. And there's no tally of the countless blistered hands, traumatized pets, singed shrubs, and melted G.I. Joe dolls. Experts recommend leaving the fireworks spectacle to the professionals and limiting your flame-tending interests to the barbecue. Approximately 80 percent of Americans spend Independence Day--the Fourth of July--with their families. The first heavy-drinking U.S. president, as well as the first presidential college dropout, James Monroe--like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson before him--died on Independence Day, the last president to date to bear that trivia distinction. Independence
Day was first declared a legal holiday in 1941. The flag should always be flown on national and state holidays and on those occasions proclaimed by the President. On Memorial Day, the flag should be half staffed until noon. The flag should never touch anything beneath it, nor should it ever be carried flat or horizontally. $51.7 million: The dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags in 2001; just over half of this amount ($29.7 million) was for U.S. flags made in China. The bulk of these flags was imported in October, the first full month following Sept. 11, when $34.8 million worth were brought into the country.$511,000: Dollar value of exports of U.S. flags in 2001. Mexico was the leading customer, purchasing $162,900 worth. Besides the Fourth, other days the flag should be flown include: New Year's Day, Inauguration Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Washington's Birthday, Armed Forces Day, Memorial Day (half-staff until noon), Flag Day, Columbus Day, Navy Day and Veterans Day On the Fourth of July: 1776 - Americans celebrate their independence from Britan. July 4th remembers the approval of writing the "Declaration of Independence" in 1776. The actual signing of the document did not occur until a month later. Most of the delegates signed the Declaration on August 2, 1776, the first signature being that of John Hancock. Several signatures were obtained later: George Wythe (Virginia) on August 27; Richard Henry Lee (Virginia), Elbridge Gerry (Massachusetts), Oliver Wolcott (Connecticut) signed in September; Matthew Thornton (New Hampshire) in November. Thomas McKean, representing Delaware, was serving in the army and was unavailable to add his 'John Hancock' until 1781. 1832 - At Boston's Park Street Church, the song, "America," was publicly sung for the first time. The words were written by Dr. Samuel Francis Smith who borrowed the tune from a German songbook. Unknown to Dr. Smith, the melody was the same as the British national anthem. 1845 - Writer
and naturalist Henry David Thoreau went to live in a shack adjacent to
Walden Pond, Massachusetts. During his two-year stay he kept a journal
of his thoughts and encounters with nature. His journal became the basis
for "Walden," one of the most important treasures of US literature.
Walden Pond later became a state reservation. 1881 - Tuskegee Institute opened its doors to students who had built it with bricks made in their own kilns. An abandoned plantation in Tuskegee, Alabama was chosen as the site for the institution for academic and vocational training desired by Booker T. Washington. 1895 - The
famous song, sometimes heralded as the true United States national anthem,
"America the Beautiful," was originally a poem written by Katherine
Lee Bates. A professor at Wellesley College, Bates' poem was first published
today in the "Congregationalist," a church newspaper. Things to Remember About the 4th of July Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his Ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. Thomas McKeam
was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid. Remember:
freedom is never free! You know
your family is dysfunctional if Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey
instead of roast turkey! HOW TO COOK A TURKEY Step 1: Go
buy a turkey.
He laid her
on the table And then
he stuffed the turkey.
Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this! Johnny: Les? Are you there? Les isn't there. (composing himself) Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les, and for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven. Mr Carlson:
(bursting through door) As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could
fly. A nagging
Jewish mother decreed one Chanukah season that she was no longer going
to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their
grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she
had given over the eight nights of Chanukah. The next year things were
different, however. "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year, I didn't sign their gift checks!" Top
Ten Chanukah Holiday Rentals 10) Three
Men And A Bubbie FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++= FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays
to you and your family. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. However, to the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director Vegetarians!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from HELL! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FROM: Joan
Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! PS: HAVE
A FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!!
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