Irish Humor

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A Texan Walks Into a Pub in Ireland  
Paddy's Wife is Having an Affair 
Irish Computer Virus 
An Irish Girl Goes Home to See Her Father  
A Secret Agent was sent to Ireland  
He Wishes for the Sea to be Turned to Guinness 
O'Malley Drowns in a Vat of Guiness Stout 
And you still believe in leprechauns?  
Identifying Three Dead Bodies  
Trying to Throw a Scare into Paddy  
A Bottle of Irish Whiskey for Constipation  
3 Englishmen Insulting an Irishman 
O'Reilly Wins for the Best Toast
Casey's Looking for a Men's Room
Tommy Didn't Die of Gonorrhea
Mrs. Flanagan Gets in a Fight over a Urine Specimen 
Collection of Short Jokes  
Paddy Gets Some Dating Advice  
An Irishman's Three Wishes 
Grogan Has Been in a Fight With Murphy 
Paddy Loses a Finger at the Sawmill 
O'Malley's Telling Everyone He's Dying of AIDS 
Unclear on the Concept 
What are Those Bulges in Your Trousers? 
Paddy is One Sweet Talker 
Coercing a Positive Eulogy for His Brother 
Goin' Out for a Jar of Olives
Irish Equivalent of Mañana
O'Donnell in the Confessional


Mrs. Flanagan Gets in a Fight over a Urine Specimen

One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at.  The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong." 

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning.  I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?" 

Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do." 

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest. 

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman!  What happened to ye?" 

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.'"  So I said, "Go shit in yer hat!," and the fight was on.

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Short Jokes

Irish Prayer
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

Irish Shopping
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Reading Headstones at Night
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul; he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Q. Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A. He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? 
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. 

Q: What has 26,000 legs, and an IQ of 34?
A: The entire St. Patrick's Day parade!

Q: What's an Irish 7 course meal?
A: A six-pack and a potato.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? 
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Q: What do Irishmen and Jesus Christ have in common?
A: They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job!

Paddy's Interpretation of the Instructions Lands Him in Hot Water

An Irishman went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet.

The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"

Paddy replied, "I was opening a Christmas pudding, and on the packet it said: 'pierce ere and stand in boiling water'."

If you continue drinking, you'll shrink to the size of a mouse

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard.  The local priest met him one day and gave him a strong lecture about drink.  He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy.  He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget, if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Goin' to Confession

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional.  "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said.  "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"


Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. Pat turned to Kieran said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"

Kieran replied, "Two rattlesnakes!"

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine's Anonymous.
If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over who takes you out and gets you drunk.

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A Texan Walks Into a Pub in Ireland

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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Paddy's Wife is Having an Affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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Paddy Gets Some Dating Advice

Paddy was envious of his friend Mick's success in picking up girls at the beach, and asked his advice.

Mick suggested that he put a pair of rolled up socks down his swimming trunks "now 'dat outa create a bit o' interest" he assured Paddy. Paddy followed his advice, but it was a dismal failure. He did even worse, with girls actually running away as soon as he approached them.

Once again, he sought advice from Mick who told him.

"Begorrah Paddy, I lov ya, but you're such an eejit! You're supposed to be puttin' yer sox down der FRONT of yer pants!"
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Irish Computer Virus

Hiya, I'm a virus from Ireland.
Please forward this email to all the contacts in your personal address book.
Then delete all the files on your hard disk.
That's great, thanks very much.
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An Irish Girl Goes Home to See Her Father

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents.  After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.

As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.'

The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer.  I've become a prostitute.'

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.

The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter!  Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me; his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? Thank God - I thought you said Protestant!"
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An Irishman's Three Wishes

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand.  He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.  The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF!  There is a pint of stout in his hand.  He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."  So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout.  The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." 

The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"
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A Secret Agent was sent to Ireland

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the  cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."
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Grogan Has Been in a Fight With Murphy

Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him.  "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" 

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.  "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" 

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when
Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." 

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" 

"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dam in a fight." 

Version 2:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Connor," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's left tit, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

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He Wishes for the Sea to be Turned to Guinness

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guiness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into a frothy, dark vat of the finest Guiness ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guiness on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot!  Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Paddy Loses a Finger at the Sawmill

Paddy & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Paddy yelled over to Mick, "Shit, man, I've lost me finger!"

"Have you now," replied Mick. "And how did you manage to do that?"

Paddy replied, "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this...damn! There goes another one!"
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O'Malley Drowns in a Vat of Guiness Stout

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

"Oh dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."


"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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O'Malley's Telling Everyone He's Dying of AIDS

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.  The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"
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And you still believe in leprechauns?

In McGuinty's bar a fellow just had to go to the bathroom. Them Guinness's just went straight through. So he is happily urinating, as a little fellow all clothed in green waltzes into the pissoir. The urinal right next to the chap was vacant, so the short dude in green attire chooses to relieve himself right there. Our friend, of course tries to ignore the little fellow, but with the corner of an eye he sees the short dude extract a member of epic proportions. An involuntary gasp escapes our friend.

"Fella, what seem to be the problem?" said the green clothed guy with a heavy Irish accent.

Our pal answers uncomfortably, "Dude, I've never seen somebody packing a member this size, sorry, man, but I surely didn't want to..."

"That's quite al'right, ol' chap, I can let you in on a secret, shall I? You know I am a leprechaun... So, if ya'll want, I'll grant you a wish, but..."

The dude, spittle already running down to his chin, imagining himself with an equestrially sized pole and beautiful women, couldn't affirm more emphatically.

"Al'right, fella, turn around and grab your ankles, to get your wish, you gotta take a little pain..."

The dude figures, what the hell, I'll be the stud of the century, grabs his ankles and bites his teeth together. The short fella positions him, pulls his pants and underwear down and sticks his thing in the fella's backdoor.

Happily humping, the leprechaun asks the dude: "Fella, how old are ya?"

Heavily sweating, he mumbles through tightly clasped teeth:"...thirty...four..."

"And you still believe in leprechauns?"
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Unclear on the Concept


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. 

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's Hiace to drive to the top of the Conor Pass.

At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feckin' dangerous for me!"



Moments later Seamus arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.  Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"



Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Feck that Lads. First der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og is feckin' hengliding!"
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Identifying Three Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while on a roller coaster. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. To which the coroner replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
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What are Those Bulges in Your Trousers?

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" 

"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" 
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Trying to Throw a Scare into Paddy

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the bejeezus out of him.

As poor Paddy wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to hell I'll take ye."

Paddy, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?"

To that the Missus replied, "I'm the devil ya' damned old fool."

To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister!"
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Paddy is One Sweet Talker

Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local pub and in walks O'Rourke.

O'Rourke says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?"  O'Rourke says, "No she hasn't been told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks in and says, "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."  O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know.

Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter.  I'm a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin."

Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house.  Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims,  "Shit you ain't, woman!"
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A Bottle of Irish Whiskey for Constipation

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop.  "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.  "A bottle of Irish whiskey?  And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims.  "It's for Father Reilly.  His constipation, you know."  O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.  Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.  On his way home he passes an alley.  There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.  She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.  "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.  "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"
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Coercing a Positive Eulogy for His Brother

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town and complete shits, both of them.  They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage, and cheated widows out of their last mite.  And that was just for starters.
Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.  "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town.  You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."
"I won't do such a thing.  T'would be a lie!"
"I know you will," says Mike.  "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."
The priest is over a barrel.  "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"  "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.
Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy: "Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being.  But compared to his brother, Mike, Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint!"
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3 Englishmen Insulting an Irishman

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman.

The first man says, "Watch this."  He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"  The Englishman, frustrated, goes and sits down with his friends.

The 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

To which the Irishman replied, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."
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Goin' Out for a Jar of Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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O'Reilly Wins for the Best Toast

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.  One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!"  That won him top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?"

John replied, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!"

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,  "Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?"

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
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Casey's Looking for a Men's Room

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.

The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.

Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
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Irish Equivalent of Mañana

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'mañana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year.
Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
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Tommy Didn't Die of Gonorrhea

Mrs. O'Leary is chatting with Mrs. O'Malley over the back fence. She says, "I'm so sorry to hear about your Tommy passing away, what was it that he died of?" Mrs. O'Malley looks around and replies quietly, "Oh, he died of the gonorrhea."

In a suspicious tone Mrs. O'Leary says, "I thought I read he died of the diarrhea?"

Again Mrs. O'Malley looks around and then exclaims, " Well, actually he did, but I want the world to remember him as a real man, instead of the dribbling little shit that he was!"
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O'Donnell in the Confessional

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

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