Italian Humor

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Ethic Humor Page
Italian Accent Humor
You know you're Italian when...  
Myron and Vinnie Exchange Birthday Gifts 
Maria's Wedding Night (mama lends a hand) 
Antonio's Grandma Catches Him Masturbating 
Can Youse Play Strangers in Da Night?  
Franco's Highly Polished Gucci Shoes 
Little Guido Eating Candy Bars
Whya You Keepa Screwin' My Wife?
You Trying to Kill Your Mama?
New to Golf
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia
Italian Three Little Pigs
Italian Jokes 
Giuseppi is Becoming a Citizen  
Tony's Wife Has Crabs  
Vinnie's Looking for the Library 
Antonio Has Been in Jail  
He Wants Halo Statues in Every Room  
Three Italian Mothers at a Football Game 
Vito's Baby is Losing Weight
Italian Man Invented the Toilet Seat
Walk Proud, Joe
Christmas Eve - Italian Style


Italian Accent Humor

(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate.

She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table.

She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.

So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italy.
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You know you're Italian when...

1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3. You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5. You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
6. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7. You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.
8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.
9. At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11. A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
12. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
14. There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.
17. 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
18. You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.
19. Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.
20. You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.
21. You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.
22. Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.
23. It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
24. Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut.
25. If you have more aunts than you can count out on 2 hands.
26. If your brother can have 3 girlfriends all sleep over at the same time, but, your sister, who is 19 has to be in by 7 o'clock.
27. If you are currently in therapy over bad dreams about leather belts and wooden spoons.
28. If redecorating your living room means changing the plastic sofa covers.
29. If you attend more than 9 weddings a year.
30. If your backyard consists of 1/8 grass and 7/8 tomatoes and radicchio.
31. If you have more pictures of Jesus' Mother Mary on your walls than family members.
32. If Baptisms and engagement parties are 2 or 3 times bigger than American weddings.
33. If you can't remember the words to the national anthem, but know every word of Padre Nostro in Italian.
34. If your dad still has his suit from his communion in his closet and decides to wear it to a formal function.
35. If your parents refer to KFC as 'galina del vecchio'.
36. If your friends come over for dinner and they leave l0 lbs. heavier.
37. If you shave your face, and you're a girl...
38. If you wear heels just to go to the corner store...not only are you an Italian, but you're a freakin Gina, too!
39. If everyone over the age of 55 in your family is short, fat, and wears nothing but black.
40. If you're visiting your grandparents at either 2 in the afternoon or 9 at night, and they interrupt you in mid-sentence because it is time for their show
41. If you don't even know the names of any of your eighteen bridesmaids
42. If you're 35 years old, still live at home, still have your mom cook and clean for you, and you STILL have the balls to bitch about having to eat pasta fazool for dinner again.
o Your grandfather had a fig tree
o Your favorite musical instrument is a 'Squeeze Box'
o You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00 p.m.
o Christmas Eve... only fish
o Your mom's meatballs are the best
o You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you
o Plastic on the furniture is normal
o You know how to pronounce 'manicotti' and 'mozzarella'.
o You fight over whether it's called 'sauce' or 'gravy'.
o You've called someone a 'stunod'.o And you understand 'bada-bing'!

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Giuseppi is Becoming a Citizen

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
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Italian Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were 3 Italian pigs. Joncarlo, the owner of a straw house, Antonio, the owner of a stick house, and Guido, the owner of a brick house.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to Joncarlo's house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." And he did!

So Joncarlo went running over to Antonio's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So Antonio let Joncarlo in.

Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did! Antonio and Joncarlo went running over to Guido's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So Guido let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, Joncarlo and Antonio were scared! But Guido picked up the phone and called a friend.

All of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. They left the wolf for dead, got back into their limo, and drove off.

Joncarlo and Antonio were amazed! They asked Guido, "Who the hell were those guys?

And Guido responded, "Oh, those are my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."
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Italian Jokes

Q: How can you tell if an Italian is in the Mafia?
A: His favorite dish is broken leg of lamb.

Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot? 
A: Because they couldn't get all that shit into a sneaker!

Q: What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a black dress!

Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?
A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil?

Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?
A. "Never fired, and only dropped once."

Q. Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?
A. "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"

Q: What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?
A: Sicily.

Q: Why did the Italian cut holes in his pockets?
A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

Q: What is a four-letter word in Italian for goodbye?
A: "BANG"!!!

Q. You know why the Pope didn't want to accept his position?
A. It meant moving to an Italian neighborhood!

Q: Have you heard of the Flamingo family in Naples, Florida?
A: They have two plastic Italians standing in the front yard!

Q: Do you know why Italians don't like Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: Italians don't like any witnesses!

Q: Why don't Italians eat fleas?
A: They can't get their little legs apart.

Q: What do you call an Italian who marries someone Polish?
A: A social climber.

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.

Q. How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
A. He's the one who bets on the duck.

Q. How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
A. If the duck wins, they are.

Q: Have you heard about the Italian girl who flunked her driver's license test?
A: When the car stalled, from force of habit she jumped into the back seat and removed her panties.

Q: What is it that Italians hate about shit sandwiches?
A: The bread!!!

Q: What's the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.

Q: Why do Jews put their trash in clear bags?
A: So the dagoes can go window shopping.

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"

Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it."

Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"

Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good."

Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?"

Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy."

Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!!


The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For example:
USA uses USS which means "United States Ship."
The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship."
and now...Italy is using AMB which means "At's-a My Boat!"

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Myron and Vinnie Exchange Birthday Gifts

It so happened that Myron and Vinnie came of age at the same time. From his father Vinnie received a brand new handgun, while at his bar mitzvah, Myron's father strapped a beautiful gold watch on his wrist. The next day Vinnie was full of admiration for the watch, while Myron was consumed with envy after one glance at the pistol. So the two friends decided to trade gifts.

That night when Vinnie checked to see whether it was dinnertime, his father asked, "Where'd you getta dat watch?"

After he heard the story he exploded at his son. "Whatsa matta you? Here I am thinking you gotta some brains in you head! One-a day you gonna get married. Den maybe you find your wife in bed wit another guy. An whatta you gonna do then? Look atta you watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"
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Tony's Wife Has Crabs

Tony had come over from Italy a short time ago and his English was not very good.  His wife had a bad case of crabs in her pubic hair, so Tony went to the drug store and asked the clerk, "My wife, she has a bugs in the bush". 

The clerk though that Tony's wife had insects in her garden and gave Tony a bottle of insecticide and told him to use one tablespoon per gallon and spray the bushes and that would get rid of the bugs. 

Tony took the insecticide home and thought the infestation in her pubic hair was so bad, he would spray it on straight out of the bottle.

Several weeks later Tony was in the drug store and the clerk ask him, "How are the bugs in the bush doing?" Tony said, "The bugs, they are gone, my wife's bush is all gone, too. By the way did you hear about my neighbor Joe?".  "He had a beautiful mustache and it all fell out and do you know Joe up and died last week.  My wife she is very sad about Joe dying."
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Maria's Wedding Night (mama lends a hand)

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!"

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Step aside," said the mother. "You stay here and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!"
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Vinnie's Looking for the Library

Vinnie Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy, was excited about being accepted at Harvard University.  On his first day on campus, he was walking around looking for the library. 

He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked up to him and said, "Hey piasano, coulda you tella me where isa da library at?" 

The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition.  Would you like
to rephrase that question?"

"OK, fora you, no problem, Piasano," said the Italian. "Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, youa asshole?"
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Antonio's Grandma Catches Him Masturbating

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what did you learn in school today?"

Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."

Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and said, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"

Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"

Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!"

Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."
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Luigi and Virginia's Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"
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Can Youse Play Strangers in Da Night?

A band at an Italian wedding decided to take requests. Nunzio walks up and asks, "Scuse me, do youse guys know da song 'Strangers in da Night'?

The band leader says, "Sure we know that one."

Nunzio says, "Hey!  dat's great!  But I got just one favor - could youse play it in 5/4 time?"

"Isn't it played in 4/4 time?" the band leader asked.

"Yeah, but dis here's a special occasion, know whut I mean?"

The band discusses amongst themselves, then the leader turns and says, "I don't think we'll have any problems."

Nunzio turns and yells out, "Hey, Cousin Vinnie!  C'mon up here and sing!"

Cousin Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins the intro, and then starts to sing, "Strangers in da fuckin' night..."
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Antonio Has Been in Jail

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi.  "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
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He Wants Halo Statues in Every Room

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a pizzaria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzarias.

He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is going to have everything!

One day he is talking to the contractor and says, "Makea you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom."

The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche.

Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time. The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man says, "But wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa halo statues!"

And the contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a statue in every room, like you asked."

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da Saintas. I wanna da Halo Statues! You knowa da Halo Statues? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"
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Franco's Highly Polished Gucci Shoes

Franco, the Italian Stallion at the local night club, leaned forward and said to the young lady he was dancing with, "I'd like to compliment you on your panties. They are pink with your initials embroidered, and trimmed in lace."

"How do you know?" inquired the young lady.

Franco replied, "I'm wearing my three hundred dollar Gucci shoes that are highly polished, and I can see the reflection up your skirt."

With that, the young lady slaps his face and hurries off the dance floor.

A short time later, Franco begins dancing with another pretty young lady, when he says, "I'd like to compliment you on your panties.  They are brown with tan trim and embroidered with the day of the week."

"How do you know?" she demanded to know.

Franco replied, "I'm wearing my three hundred Gucci shoes. They are highly polished and I can see the reflection of what is up your skirt."

Again, Franco gets his face slapped, and the second young lady storms off the dance floor.

Unaffected by his rejections, Franco begins dancing with yet another pretty young lady.  After a moment, he asks, "Are you wearing black, furry panties?"

The pretty young lady replied, "I'm not wearing any panties at all."

"Thank God," he blurted out, "because I thought I had a split in my three hundred dollar Gucci shoes!"  
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Three Italian Mothers at a Football Game

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Datsa my boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a Peach?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Datsa my boy! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy hadn't done so well, but finally someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered, running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Datsa my boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"
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Little Guido Eating Candy Bars

Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"

Little Guido answered, "No, but he minded his own fucking business!"
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Vito's Baby is Losing Weight

An Italian named Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"
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Whya You Keepa Screwin' My Wife?

Venanzio and Lorenzo were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey," said Venanzio, "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa straggley hair?"

"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Lorenzo.

"Den, you likea da woman with a garlic comin' from her mouth alla da time?" inquired Venanzio.

"Nope, I'ma no like dat kinda either!" said Lorenzo.

"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Venanzio.

"Notta me!" answered Lorenzo.

"Den whya you keepa screwin' my wife?" Venanzio asked.
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You Trying to Kill Your Mama?

Vito and Juliana grew up in an Italian neighborhood in New York City. They were playmates as children and sweet-hearts in high school. After graduation Vito and Juliana planned to be married. Since Vito was working in the family business, they planned to live in Vito's family's apartment, sleeping in Vito's bedroom.

After the wedding and all the celebration every one went to bed. Vito and Juliana's bedroom was next to Mama and Papa's bedroom. Pretty soon Vito and Juliana's head board was beating against the wall.

Papa said, "Mama, you hear that?" Mama said, "Yes." Papa said, "You want to?" Mama said, "Yes." So they did it too. Papa rolled over and was just about asleep when the head board started banging the wall again.

Mama said, "You hear that?" Papa said, "Yes." Mama said, "You want to?" Papa said, "Yes." They did it again. This was a hell of a work out for Papa. He was laying there exhausted and could barely catch his breath when the head board started banging the wall again.

Papa started beating on the wall and hollered, "Hey Vito, whatcha tryin'a do, killa your Mama?"
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Italian Man Invented the Toilet Seat

Vito and Juliana were having their usual battle of the sexes.

"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Juliana.

"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"

"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"
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Walk Proud, Joe

An Italian boy has a life long dream to go to school in the United States and it finally comes true when he is accepted to Columbia University in New York. After a couple of years at school, his father comes to visit him in America.

The boy is very excited to see his father and asks what he would like to do in America. His father says, "This is'a America. I'd a like'a to go'a to a baseball game."

So they head on down to Yankee stadium and as it turns out it's old-timers day. Roger Maris comes to bat and hits a long ball which is heading for the left field seats. The father stands up and yells, "RUN'A ROGER, RUN."

Mickey Mantle comes up next and hits a fly ball to deep right field. Again, the father stands up, and yells "RUN'A MICKEY, RUN."

Next Joe DiMaggio steps out to the plate. There pitcher throws ball one, ball two, ball three and walks him on four pitches. As Joe DiMaggio starts to trot to first base the father stands up and shouts, "RUN'A JOE, RUN."

"No," his son interrupts, "He has four balls, he walks."

"Four balls?" His father stands up again, "walk'a proud, Joe, walk'a proud."
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New to Golf

The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
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Christmas Eve - Italian Style

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees. So I was wrong. So sue me. I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said. I had only known my mother for 25 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you." "Sounds fine to me," my mother said. And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want? I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season - an Italian woman's raison d'etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.

7:00 P.M. - We arrive. Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30 P.M. - Others arrive. Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies. When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you. But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies. "You don't like anchovies?" I ask. "I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable. Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst." My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00 P.M. - Second course. The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen. "I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face." "Come on,"

I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants." My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?" "She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks." "Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30 P.M. - More fish. My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. "Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. "Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully. "Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops." I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy... "Whoops? No. Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft." More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt Mafalde does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Uncle Ziti doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 P.M. - Coffee, dessert. Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it. "This is fun," Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this bitch out of my house." Sounds fine to me.
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Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia
David Letterman's Top 10 List

10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs a candy store that's open one or two hours a day.
9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race: Vincent "The Chin" Gigante.
8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator.
7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the cars exploding in his driveway.
6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: paper boy gets "iced".
5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head off".
4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal the family recipe for apple crisp.
3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob informants.
2. After having an argument with his kid, your kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on his pillow.
1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bulletholes.

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