Jewish Humor

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A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"

The salesman says: "It's $500."

The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
Two Bees buzzing around a Flower...
Sex on the Sabbath
A Chinese Pilot and a Jewish Pilot...
You never call...
Jewish view on life
Jewish One-Liners
The Chinese Waiter
Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
The new son-in-law
Shopping for a Lamp
13 Children, you say?
Jesus Gets a New Robe
Actual Jewish Personals
Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is better than Christmas
The Amazing Goldstein
Where Will Those Jews Advertise Next?
Devotion Defined
My Wife is Poisoning Me
Moishe The Furniture Man
A Blind Man's Take on Matzoh
Catholic School Improves His Math
A Dilemma at the Deli 
A Cabbie Stops to Intervene in a Mugging 
Or I Could Let You Have Three Elephants for... 
The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived... 
Jewish Humor II 
Hitler and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders
Jewish Tradition
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew are about to be executed
Jewish view on Flashing
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Monk...
The Barbershop
Jewish Fly
The Rabbi in the Flood
An elderly Jewish couple were going out to dinner
Why are They Always Jewish Jokes?
The Wailing Wall
Three Samurai
Murray is Going to Convert
The Jewish Parrot
Penis Replacement or...
Comparing Yom Kippur to Lent
Abe Buys a Dead Racehorse
The Widow Buys a Memorial Stone
Pincus the Tailor
It Could Be Worse
Two Jews Caught Up in a Bank Robbery
Funny, You Don't Look Jewish 
Tasting Matzoh Ball Soup for the First Time 
How Did You Know I Was From... 
She Was Only Unfaithful Three Times 


Two Bees buzzing around a Flower...

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee.

"Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
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Hitler and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:

"Excuse me, but aren't you Adolf Hitler?"

"Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler."

"But I thought you were dead!"

"Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders."

"What?" the guy exclaims. "Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?"

Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him.

"You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!"
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Sex on the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says, after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "what does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced.. for the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were wife would have the housekeeper do it."
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Jewish Tradition

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
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A Chinese Pilot and a Jewish Pilot

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish, and the First Officer is Taiwan Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and it is obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Captain finally speaks. He says, "I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. replies, "Ooooh, no like Chinese?? Why is that?" The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."

And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same."
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Jewish View on Flashing

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
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Jewish View on When Life Begins

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
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You never call...

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."

The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?"

She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
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An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew are about to be executed

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.


"Yes, Strawberries."

He is told "But they are out of season !"

"OK, I'll wait . . . ."
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The Madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked "needy". " Can I help you?" the Madame asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies; perhaps someone else..."

"No, I want Natalie."

Just then, Natalie appeared, and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked, reached into his pocket, and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night, he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts, it was still $1,000 for one hour. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and he left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row, where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really," replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there."

"I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
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Long List of Jewish One-Liners

(Generally Tasteless)

bullet Q: Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A: Netanyahoo
bullet Q: What's the name of facial lotion made for Jews?
A: Oil of Oy Vay
bullet Q: Hear about the new movie that's frightening Jewish women?
A: It's called, "Debby Does Dishes."
bullet Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: "Plaintiff."
bullet Q: How did the Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: 'Your mother pays retail!""
bullet Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
A: When it graduates from med school.
bullet Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all.
bullet Q: Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the world.
A: They have some cut off before they even know how big it will get.
bullet Q: What did they call the new Jewish-Japanese restaurant?
A: "So-Sue-Mi."
bullet Q: Define: Genius:
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
bullet Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?
A: A trip to Israel.
bullet Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.
bullet Q: Why did the Moyel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore.
bullet Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: 2 Jews fighting over a penny!
bullet Definition of a Jewish dilemma:
Someone yelling, "Free ham!"
bullet Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
A: They put parking meters on the roof!
bullet Q: Why is money green?
A: Because Jews pick it before it's ripe!
bullet Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat!
bullet Q: Why don't Jews eat pork?
A: They may be a lot of things, but CANNIBALS they're not!
bullet Q: Why aren't Jews attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy!
bullet Q: Do you know how to keep Jews out of a country club?
A: Let one in, and he'll keep the rest out.
bullet Q: What's the Jewish version of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging.
bullet Q: How can you tell the mother-in-law at a Jewish wedding?
A: She's the one on her hands and knees picking up the rice!
bullet Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein?
A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up!
bullet Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Someone dropped a quarter!
bullet Q: Why do Jews have such big noses?
A: Because air is free.
bullet Q: What did the Jewish mother ask her daughter when she learned she had an affair?
A: Who catered it?
bullet Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.
bullet Q: What's the difference between a Jewish bitch and a barracuda?
A: Nail polish.
bullet Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a Jew?
A: An elephant eventually forgets.
bullet Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?
A: Marry her!
bullet Q: Why do Jewish women only sleep with circumcised men?
A: They want 20% off everything!
bullet Q: What's the difference between between karate and judo?
A: Karate is a form of self-defense, and judo is what bagels are made of.
bullet Q: Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?
A: Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets.
bullet Q: What's the definition of a queer Jew?
A: Someone that likes girls more than money.
bullet Q: What do you call ten Jewish women in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.
bullet Q: Why did the Jewish mother have herself entombed at Bloomingdales?
A: So her daughter would visit at least twice a week.
bullet Q: What's the difference between a vulture and a Jew?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!
bullet Q: What's the object of a Jewish football game?
A: To get the quarter back!
bullet 5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 Total # of years that Jews went without Chinese food
bullet Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: Is ANYTHING all right?
bullet Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
bullet Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
bullet Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
bullet Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
bullet Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days?
" Force yourself," she replied.
bullet Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
bullet A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
bullet A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says...
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
bullet Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
bullet Q: Why don't Jewish women buy douche bags?
A: They can't find shoes to match.
bullet Q. Why do Jewish girls think prostitution is such good business?
A. "Ya got it, ya sell it, ya still got it!"
bullet Q: What's the difference between an Arab terrorist and a Jewish wife?
A: You can negotiate with an Arab terrorist.
bullet Q. What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?
A. In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.
bullet Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews can't hide in the corner when the collection plate comes around!
bullet Q: Why do Jewish men watch pornos backwards?
A: They like to see the hooker give the money back!
bullet Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!
bullet The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is "Not Now."
bullet Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
bullet Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? 
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
bullet Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? 
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
bullet When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
bullet A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star." "How nice," says his mother. "I have an Indian name
too," he says. "It's Running Deer" and I want you to call me that from now on." "How nice," says his mother. "You should have an Indian name too, Mom," he says. 
"I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."
bullet Q: Why did the Jews wander the desert for forty years? 
A: One of them dropped a penny in the sand.  
bullet Q: How did blacks learn how to break dance?
A: From watching Jews crawl underneath the stalls of pay toilets.
bullet Q: What is the Jewish kidnapper's pickup line?
A: Hey little girl, do you want to buy a piece of candy?
bullet Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, now let's eat.
bullet Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's offering circumcision via the Internet?
The service is called e-moyel.
bullet Q: What's the definition of a modern JAP mother?
A: One who can hold a safety pin and a sip of Perrier in her mouth at the same time.
bullet Q: Did you hear about the JAP who'd been asked to get married several times?
A: By her mother and father.
bullet Q: Why do JAP's wear gold diaphragms?
A: Because their husbands like coming into money.
bullet Q: Why don't JAP's breast feed their male children?
A: Because the don't want them to become leeches like their husbands.
bullet Q: Why are Jewish children rude?
A: Heredity.
bullet Q: How can you tell a disadvantaged Jewish teenager?
A: He's the one driving the domestic automobile.
bullet Q: What is the definition of a Jewish menage a trois?
A: Two headaches and a hard-on.
bullet Q. What's Jewish ménage a trois?
A. Using both hands to masturbate.
bullet Q. Did you hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese?
A. He was circumcised at Benny Hannah's.
bullet Q: Why do little Jewish girls put fish in their underwear?
A: So they can smell like the big Jewish girls.
bullet Q: How can you tell if a limousine is owned by a Jew?
A: There's a pay phone in the backseat.
bullet Q: What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?
A: A chain of empty stores!
bullet Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.
bullet Q: Hear about the enterprising Rabbi that's offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.

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The Chinese Waiter

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

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A Rabbi a Priest and a Monk...

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Monk are talking about how they choose to give to God. The monk says that he draws a line down the middle of the room and then throws the money into the air. Whatever lands on the left side goes to god, and whatever lands on the right goes to the monk. The Priest says that he has a similar scheme, he draws a circle on the floor, then throws the money into the air. Whatever lands in the circle goes to God, and whatever lands outside goes to him. The Rabbi says that he too has a similar idea. He takes the money, throws it into the air and takes whatever god doesn't.
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The Barbershop

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.

The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."

And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
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Jewish Fly

A man was sitting at a bar, feeling very horny. There was a woman sitting at the other end of the bar and he was very interested in her. However, she showed no interest in him at all.

He asked the bartender if he had any Spanish Fly to put into her drink. The bartender looked behind the bar and said, "I'm all out of Spanish Fly, but I do have some Jewish Fly left."

The customer said that was good enough, and could the bartender please slip it into her drink. The bartender complied with his request.

After a couple of minutes the woman started looking over at the guy and became very interested in him. She slowly got off the barstool and sauntered over to him. She started walking around him and touching his arm very provocatively. The woman asked, "Want to go shopping with me?

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Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)

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The Rabbi in the Flood

It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"

And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?"

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An elderly Jewish couple were going out to dinner...

An elderly Jewish couple were going out to dinner. The woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband,
"Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or this St. Johns?"
"Do I care?" he replied.
The woman comes out of the bedroom says to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
"Who gives a damn?" says the husband.
The woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 carat round diamond?"
To which her husband responds, "Hey, if you don't get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the early bird special!!
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The new son-in-law

A daughter comes home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "But how could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
"But Ma, I want to tell...."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a huge black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot.....I said a RICH doctor!"
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Shopping for a Lamp

A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.

She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

13 Children, you say?

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
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Why are They Always Jewish Jokes?

So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."
Right away, his friend interrupts him,

"Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews?
Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."
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Jesus Gets a New Robe

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was prepared by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.

Some months later, He is wandering through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. He is amazed to see a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein himself.

Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"

Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus."

The two of them argue for some time about the name. Finally, they come to a compromise decision.

They decided to name the new business Lord & Taylor
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The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when he looks out, he sees this old Jew praying vigorously.

So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces himself to the old man. He asks "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for? "The old Jew replies "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.

"The amazed journalist finally asks "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?"

The old Jew replies calmly "Like I'm talking to a wall."
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Three Samurai

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh.

A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."
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Actual Jewish Personals

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to.

Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 77
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Murray is Going to Convert

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign.

His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
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The Jewish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk... vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was no place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"


"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"


After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know the odds we'll get for Yom Kippur?!"
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Penis Replacement or...

A Jewish man was in an accident and his penis was amputated. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination, the doctor called for a plastic surgeon.

"We can replace your penis with a small size for $5,000, a medium size for $15,000, or an extra-large size for $30,000," he said. "I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife,"

When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. The doctor asked him what the decision was.

The man said, "My wife said she'd rather have a new mink."
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The Amazing Goldstein

A traveling salesman visits to a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts.

Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants and whips out a long shlong and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings!

The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! Again he buys a ticket, sits through the acts, and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy!

The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

"Vell," says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
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Comparing Yom Kippur to Lent

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.

After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?" Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim pay retail!"
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Where Will Those Jews Advertise Next?

This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whore-house. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off in coitus, but he never notices.

Later the same day an Irish-man purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about to come he notices something fall out of her cunt.

Picking it up, he reads: "Roth & stein, Tailors."

"Jesus," he says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"
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Abe Buys a Dead Racehorse

Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"

"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won already a lot of money."

"How can I get into it Moishe?"

"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine. I'll let you have it for $120,000."

Abe agreed and gave Moishe a check for $120,000. Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.

A month later, Abe ran into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"

"Umm, things are well, and how's by you?"

"Things are great!"

"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"

"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money."

"How is that? It was dead!"

"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."

"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"

Abe shrugged. "So, I gave him back his $5!"
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Devotion Defined

A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.

The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightning and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered."

The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the most devout of believers."

Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday."
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The Widow Buys a Memorial Stone

A Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be?

You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
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My Wife is Poisoning Me

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, " Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, " Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, " Yes."

"Take the poison.," says the Rabbi.
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Moishe The Furniture Man

Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store.

I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady...she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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Pincus the Tailor

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We need black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."

"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."

"Well, I know a little Latin. What did he say?"

"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'.
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A Blind Man's Take on Matzoh

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.

He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this garbage!?"
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It Could Be Worse

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"

"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear..."
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Two Jews Caught Up in a Bank Robbery

Two Jews are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on the first Jew slips something in the second Jew's hand.

Without looking down, the second Jew whispers, "What is this?" to which the first Jew replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
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Catholic School Improves His Math

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, not to mention summer school -- all to no avail.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw the letter 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"


"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No," said the son, "on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
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Funny, You Don't Look Jewish

A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"

The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."

After a little while she again queries him. "You're really Jewish, aren't you?"

Again he responds, "No, ma'am, I am not Jewish."

Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"

To which, in exasperation and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "OK. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."

"Funny," she says, looking puzzled. "You don't look Jewish!"
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A Dilemma at the Deli

A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.

"That's not salmon," the clerk said, "it's ham."

"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"
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A Cabbie Stops to Intervene in a Mugging

A cab driver picks up a Jewish passenger. As they are driving down the road, the driver sees a black man mugging an old woman. The driver stops to try and help the woman.

The Jewish passenger leans his head out of the window and yells "STOP IT! STOP IT!" The black guy continues to beat on the old woman, and the driver continues to try and break them up. The Jewish passenger starts yelling again "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP THE METER!"
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Tasting Matzoh Ball Soup for the First Time

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. Liking it, he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
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Or I Could Let You Have Three Elephants for...

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them. The inviter says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for three thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So I'm going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."

"Oh," said the other, "now you're talking!"
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How Did You Know I Was From...

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and after having many drinks.

The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"


"You come from Sudbury?"


"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"

"Yes," he says. "But I don't think I know you. How do you know
so much about me?"

The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe!"
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The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived...

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus Christ.  The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Moishe, come up here and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Moishe his money, she said "You know Moishe, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."  Moishe replied, I know Miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
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She Was Only Unfaithful Three Times

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, Sarah, "We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.  Tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said, "Yes, 3 times."

"Three times?  How did it happen?" the man asked.

The wife began, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, that was really a terrible time," replied the man.

The wife continued: "Remember when I went to see the banker and the next day they extended our loan?"

"It is hard to believe," the man said, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you."

She continued, "Do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"

"Yes," the man replied.

"Well, then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?" the wife mumbled.

"Yes," said the husband.  "That shocks me too, but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you."

"What was the third time?" inquired the husband.

The wife lowered her head and said, "Remember when you ran for Temple president and needed 23 more votes?"
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