Legal / Courtroom Humor II

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Tool Time

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"

"Tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
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Just say NO...

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. 
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs 
forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" 
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did 
you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
        /   \
       |     |        O
        \ _ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's
admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." 
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
                    /   \
           O       |     |
                    \ _ /

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison ..."

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Bribing a Juror

The three-time felon felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.

Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"

"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
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A Machete Juggler Gets Pulled Over

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer requested.

So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
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An Elderly Woman Takes the Stand

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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Dan Is Remembered in The Will

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
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Entering Into a Contract for Sex

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave.

She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.

"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote a check immediately.

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Two Judges Try Each Other

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"


"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.

"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.


Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In
fact this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."
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Explaining His Indecent Exposure Arrest

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.

"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."
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Isn't it True Than You...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver:I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver:It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:There's a gun in the glove box? Driver:Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver:Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain:Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain:Who's car is this? Driver:It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.

Captain:Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver:No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
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Establishing Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.  Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
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Slowing Down or a Complete Stop?

This guy blows a stop sign and a cop sees it so he pulls him over. Cops says, "License and registration please."

Guy says, "For what?"

Cop says, "Well, sir you didn't stop at the sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, PLEASE!"

The guy says, "What's the difference"

Officer says, "The difference is I wouldn't have pulled you over if you'd stopped."

Guys says, "I'll give you my license and registration if you can show me the difference between slowing down and stopping."

"Okay, I will" the cops says, "Get out of the car."

At this point the officer takes his billy club out of the holster and begins to brutally beat the you know what out of the guy.

As the man is screaming and crying, the officer yells loudly " NOW SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SLOW DOWN OR COME TO A COMPLETE STOP?!!!"
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When You Collect Four, You Get a Bicycle

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
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She's Against Capital Punishment

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
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Leon Shitferbrains Petitioning for a Name Change

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"

Leon: "Melvin, your honor."
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Are You the Defendant?

The judge read the charges to Jethro's father, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," he replied, "I've got me a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the one who done it."
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I Want a Warrant for That Lawyer of Mine

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
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I Thought he Was Talking to You

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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