Male-centric Humor



Battle of the Sexes #1
Battle of the Sexes #2

  Marriage and Relationship humor has moved to it's own page!

For these books on Gender-based humor, go to

Dick for a Day: What Would You Do if You Had One? Was it Something I Said? A Gender Translation Guide for all Occasions
Female-centric Humor (on their own page)
The Perfect Man
A Brain Transplant
Man Speak
50 Rules for Men
(on our Lists Page)
Guide to the Male Vocabulary
If Men Were to Rewrite 'The Rules' 4/5/03
5 Questions Most Feared by Men
A Man Shopping at Bloomingdale's
Your Guyness Quotient
How Men Think

100 Reasons why it's better to be a Man (on our Lists Page)
A Man's Desires
Male Questionnaire

Restroom Etiquette 
Pointers for Men
If Men Really Ruled the World
Buying Gifts for Men
7 Things you Won't Hear a Man Say
12 More things you'll never hear a man say
Male Jokes II


GirlFriend Version x.x ,Wife Version x.x Jokes moved to:
our GirlFriend page!

A Man's Desires

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.

So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.

She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
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Male Questionnaire

bullet 1.In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
bullet 2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
bullet 3.You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sports Center
bullet 4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
bullet 5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex is with
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
bullet 6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
bullet 7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
bullet 8.Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
bullet 9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
bullet 10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


bullet If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
bullet If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
bullet If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You da MAN!"

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A Brain Transplant

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
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Man Speak

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification
numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

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The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
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Restroom Etiquette

Urinal.exe 313kb (downloadable executable file)

First Annual Choose-A-Urinal(tm) Challenge!

Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There *is* a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.

An X above the number will indicate "in use."


| _ | _ | x | _ | _ | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 are occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck!

Easy Section


| _ | x | _ | x | _ | _ | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.


| x | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | (Urinal 1 occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

Kind-of-Tricky Section:


| _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | (empty)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ __

Correct answer: 1 or 6 - You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."


| _ | x | _ | x | _ | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.

Subtle, Tricky, But Important-to-Know Section


| _ | x | _ | _ | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!

VERY-Tricky-Indeed Section


| x | x | _ | _ | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD--for God's sake, use a doored stall!

Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.

-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.

-- NO Singing. Period.

-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."
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Pointers for Men

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects .... Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

*** Simple Duties ***

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car ....+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station ....-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb ....+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away ....-1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish ....+1
You leave dishes in the sink ....-1
You leave them under the bed ....-5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings ....+5
But return with beer ....-5
You leave the toilet seat up ....-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ....0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ....-2

You make the bed ....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ....-1

You check out a suspicious noise at night ....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ....+5
You pummel it with a six iron ....+10
It's her father ....-10

*** Social Engagements ***

You stay by her side the entire party ....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ....-2
Named Tiffany ....-4
Tiffany is a dancer ....-6
Tiffany has implants ....-8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly ....+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump ....-5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if ou think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" ....+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" ....-6
That woman is her sister ....-90

You have one drink, and that's it ....0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle ....-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted ....-18

*** Saturday Afternoon ***

You go to the mall together ....+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car ....+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar ....-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it ....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional ....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ....+3
Most of it chips and beer ....-6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den ....+15
Or refinishing the floors ....+16
Or rewiring the basement ....+17
Or adding a second floor ....+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket ....-6
And you're tickled pink about it ....-15
You visit her parents .... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ....+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ....-3
And the television is off ....-6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear ....-6
And you didn't even go to college ....-10
And it's not your underwear ....-15

*** Her Birthday ***

You take her out to dinner ....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar ....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ....-10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player ....+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing ....+4
If you stink ....+2
If you're not half bad ....+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause ....-2
You give her a gift ....0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance ....-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ....+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate ....+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months ....+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day ....-10
With her credit card ....-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big ....-40

*** Thoughtfulness ***

You forget her birthday completely ....-10
You forget your anniversary ....-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station ....-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey ....-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ....-50

*** A Night Out With The Boys ***

Go out with a pal ....-5
And the pal is happily married .....-4
Or frighteningly single ....-7
And he drives a Trans Am ....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ....-15

You have a few beers ....-9
And miss curfew by an hour ....-12
You get home at 3 am ....-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ....-30
And not wearing any pants ....-40
Is that a tattoo?? ....-200

*** Her Night Out ***

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying friend from work ....+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late ....+10
You wait up ....+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed ....+20

*** A Night At Home ***

You watch TV together .... 0
You rent a movie ....+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY ....+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout ....+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep ....-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool ....-2

*** A Night Out ***

You take her to a movie ....+2
You take her to a movie she likes ....+4
You take her to a movie you hate ....+6
You take her to a movie you like ....-2
It's called DeathCop 3 ....-3
Which features cyborgs having sex ....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ....-15

*** Flowers ***

You buy her flowers only when it's expected .... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....+15
And she contracts Lyme disease ....-25

*** Your Physique ***

You develop a noticeable potbelly ....-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ....-5

*** Finances ***

You spend a lot of money on something impractical ....-5
Something she can't use ....-10
Such a a motorized model airplane ....-20
And your kid needs braces ....-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces ....-120

*** Driving ***

You lost the directions on a trip ....-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost ....-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ....-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ....-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt ....-60

*** The Big Question ***

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ....-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding ....-10
You reply, where?" ....-25

*** Communication ***

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ....0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ....+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ....+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ....-10

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Guide to the Male Vocabulary

1. "Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."

2. "I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."

3. "I need you"
"My hand is oh so tired."

4. "I am different from all the other guys"
"I am not circumcised."

5. "I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."

6. "You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

7. "I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."

8. "It's just orange juice, try it."
"3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

9. "She's kinda cute."
"I want to shag her till my dick drops off."

10. "I don't know if I like her"
"She won't let me shag her "

11. "I miss you so much"
"I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

12. "Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."

13. "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"

14. "I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"

15. "Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

16. "Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

17. "How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you about it now."

18. "I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."

19. "I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

20. "I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

21. "I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."

22. "I've learned a lot from you."

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If Men Really Ruled The World:

bullet Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
bullet When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
bullet Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bottom and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
bullet Birth control would come in ale or lager.
bullet Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
bullet The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
bullet Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
bullet At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
bullet It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
bullet Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
bullet Tanks would be far easier to rent.
bullet Garbage would take itself out.
bullet Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
bullet Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
bullet Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
bullet On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
bullet St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
bullet Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
bullet Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
bullet The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
bullet The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
bullet It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
bullet Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
bullet When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
bullet Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
bullet The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
bullet People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
bullet Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
bullet Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
bullet Mini-skirts and high heels for women would be mandatory for all occasions.
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Buying Gifts for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

bullet Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
bullet Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
bullet Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer, or something to hang from his rearview mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
bullet Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented jockey shorts.
bullet Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
bullet Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
bullet Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of aftershave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
bullet Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
bullet Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
bullet Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
bullet Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
bullet Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
bullet Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
bullet Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
bullet Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

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If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

bullet Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
bullet Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
bullet Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
bullet Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
bullet Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
bullet Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
bullet Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
bullet Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
bullet Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
bullet Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
bullet Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the offramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
bullet Rule # 12
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.


Version II:


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

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5 Questions Most Feared by Men

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Shit.
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A Man Shopping at Bloomingdale's

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly---What I need is a new tie!"
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Your Guyness Quotient

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient:

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
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How Men Think

After gunning his Beemer the wrong way down a Columbia Maryland one-way street the inebriated Yuppie was asked where he thought he was going by one of those ever inquisitive Howard County Policemen.

"I'm not really sure Officer." replied the drunk. "But it does seem I'm rather tardy, as everyone appears to be returning."


A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty and the sheer happiness of pursuit.


"I'm sorry Arlene, but this relationship just doesn't seem to be going anywhere." said the young man.

"Awww Gee !" replied the girl. "And just after I won all those millions in the Lotto too."

"Well..." stammered the man. "Perhaps we should give it a while longer yet."


Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. So many young men still go out on Friday and Saturday nights and sow their wild oats, then go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.


The couple stepped up to the desk clerk at one of Columbia's finer hotels. "I'd like a room for my wife and myself." said the man. "I'm terribly sorry sir," replied the clerk, "but the only room available is adjacent to the elevators across from the lounge area." "Will that be all right with you dear ?" the well dressed gentleman asked the young lady at his side.

"Sure mister." she said.

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