The dentist was called away from the dinner
table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining
that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. I Operated on Mr. Lee the Other Day Over
a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. Here Comes Your Anesthesiologist As
the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning
equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked
into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the
surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. Would You Like Me to Call the Funeral Home? Early
one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining
of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they
gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain. A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor
replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the
door." Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. We used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put
his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he
turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel
her legs!" While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing,"
she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away." My Child Has Swallowed a Contraceptive "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You
don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of
relief. "My husband just found another one." During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine." And on a similar note: Completing his examination of the uncommonly
well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are
a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon.
Go home, get undressed and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle
of medicine I'm preparing for you...it will make you drowsy. I don't want
you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you
hear three short knocks..." David went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping from his penis. The doctor took one look and told him he had V.D. "No way," said David blushing terribly. "It must be a cold." "Call
it what you like," said the doctor, "but, until it sneezes,
we'll have to treat it for V.D." I'm Only Here to Deliver a Package Patient:
Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat. So the man goes into the next room where he sees another man sitting down in his shorts with a box in his lap. As the first man is getting undressed he starts up a conversation, "Can you imagine that doctor? I've got a sore throat and he tells me to undress!" The second
man answers, "What are you complaining about? I only came in here
to deliver a package." The OB Whistles While He Works A new, young M.D. doing his residency in obstetrics was quite embarrassed to perform female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly during the exam. One day, the middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, was I tickling you?" She replied,
"No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener'." The American Medical Association has declared that the long-term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the
past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra
than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected that
by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with
huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them. Getting Fresh With the Gynecologist The shapely
woman was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle
of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look,
Madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing
my hand?" A Dentist Makes a Strange Request Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist:
"I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now
and I don't want to miss the five o'clock football game." A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. "Miss
Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you
have never had an eye exam." Am I Looking for Bills or Loose Change? This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her name is called, and she's taken to the examination room. The doctor asks, "Okay, my good woman, what is your problem ?" "Well," she says, "my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!" The doctor says, "Don't be nervous. I see things like this all the time. He asks her
to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with
her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at
her and asks, "I only have one question. What am I looking for, bills
or loose change?" There's Nothing Wrong With Your Eyesight This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor
looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well,
I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." One Testicle Replaced With an Onion While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. "Well,
every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she
gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on." A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?" "My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician. "Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!" "In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred." "Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous." "Well, then, could you afford two hundred?" "Who has that kind of money?" "Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out." "I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it." "I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?" "Listen,
Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing
is too expensive." Working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment. "He fell out of a tree," I reported. The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Acme Tree Experts." Looking again
at the X rays, the radiologist said, "Cross out 'experts.'" Having Two Problems With 'The Knob' A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said,
"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." A young gynecologist was fortunate to have a very beautiful young woman as a patient. One day he was taken with her beauty when she was in the stirrups. Seizing the opportunity he said, "My dear, this next examination could be a little uncomfortable. Shall I numb it for you?" When she
consented, he buried his face in her beautiful snatch and went, "num
num num num num..." Answer When You Hear Three Short Knocks Completing
his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor
said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you
returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed and get into
bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for
you...it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or
let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks..." Doctor, That Isn't My Shoulder A lovely young thing entered the doctor's office on her lunch hour and addressed a young man in a white coat. "I've had a pain in my shoulder for a week. Can you help me?" "Lie down on this table," he said, "and I'll massage it for you." After a few minutes, the beauteous patient exclaimed, "Doctor, that isn't my shoulder!" The young
man smiled and replied, "No, and I'm not a doctor, either." Gynecologist at a Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm
a gynecologist." A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the older doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the office, screaming as she ran down the hall. A new doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room, then marched down a back hallway to where the older doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you just told her she was pregnant?" The older
doctor continued to write on his clipboard as he responded without looking
up, "Does she still have the hiccups?" Marsha's Proposing to Her Dentist Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen, the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist... and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist? "Because
he is the first man that ever said to me spit, don't SWALLOW." A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!" At this the
man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors." "Well,
you must know!" she said, heading for the door. A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could
you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact,
up there?" Sure is Sensitive to Criticism During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats. The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance." Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER for yet another emergency. I was stitching
away - wearing a tuxedo - when I encountered that same medical resident.
He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to
criticism, isn't he?" The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news." Linda asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Linda asks. To which
the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural
bitch." Did That Man Have Too Much Radiation? The staff at the hospital where I was working decided to dress up for Halloween. I wore my standard X-ray tech's uniform of a dress shirt, tie and lab coat, but made the rest of myself up as a werewolf with a shaggy wig, makeup, long nails and lots of hair on my face and hands. While I was
preparing an examining room for a patient, I realized why we technologists
always take the time to explain X-ray safety. There, I overheard a young
boy who had seen me in the corridor ask his mother, "Mommy did that
man have too much radiation?" I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients. One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?" Delighted
at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor
returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?" Who Will Pay the Hospital Bill? A man was
brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation
went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured
by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the news is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The
HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town--if she
finds her way home, don't fuck her." Have You Ever Seen Anything Like This? A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well,
yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed." Breaking the News to Mrs. Jones Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones. "Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine." "Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?" "Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him." Mrs. Jones begins to sob... "And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly... "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly." Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey,
I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead." A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina. She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table. He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please." He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end. "Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?" The doctor
replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here." A Woman Sees Her Doctor About a Discharge Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her pussy. After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful,"
she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear." Mis-interpreting a Prescription My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put
two drops in R ear every four hours." A Collection of Short Medical Jokes "I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."
Margaret was really peeved! She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription. "Look, lady. You can't have this without a prescription because it's a habit-forming drug." "IT
IS NOT!" yelled Margaret! "I ought to know...I've been taking
it regularly for seventeen years!"
Late one
night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me,
can you help me. I think I'm a moth." A man complained,
"Doc, I've been to three other clinics and none of them agreed with
your diagnosis."
A Love Story At Dr. Watson's Office... I shall seek
and find you. All my love,
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!
The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc. The CEO says, "This is terrific!" "Don't
get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved
for a three-day stay." First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone
had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention." Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey,
very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing
your work with the engine running." The High Cost of Anaesthesiology Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone. "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out." "Not
at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The
900 dollars is for bringing you back around." Q: I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? Q: Should
I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Q: Is beer
or wine bad for me? Q: How can
I calculate my body/fat ratio? Q: What are
some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Q: Aren't
fried foods bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups
help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Q: Is chocolate
bad for me? Well, I hope
this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and
diets. Have a cookie... Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
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