Assorted Language Humor

Innuendo: An Italian suppository.

"You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think."
- Dorothy Parker, American writer, when challenged to use the work "horticulture" in a sentence.

For more amusement in language, take a look at:

The Old Fat White Guy's Guide to Ebonics and

How to Talk Jewish (by Jackie Mason) at

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

Yiddish-English Reference -- on another site -- very handy!

Hebonics on it's own page
Euro English
on it's own page
40 Tips for Proper English
The origin of a very popular expression...
English is a Crazy Language
Games to play with (on) your Friends
An Italian Conversation
Thesaurus Joke
Two Mathematicians...
Alternative Meanings for Various Words
Double Negatives Defined
Amusing Language Trivia 
Ambiguity is the Key
Swearing Has a Bad Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked...
Emergency Deployment of Vowels to Yugoslavia

The Lisping Midget
Who is Jack Schitt?
A Spelling Test
Washington Post's Style Invitational 
-- New definitions for common English words 8/21/2001
Dutch Language Amusement
Rephrased Phrases 
Today's German Lesson
Romantic Rhymes
This Strange English Language

Euro English

Here it is - the latest news from Europe. The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our Brussels-based hack:

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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bullet Act naturally
bullet Found missing
bullet Resident alien
bullet Advanced BASIC
bullet Genuine imitation
bullet Safe sex
bullet Airline food
bullet Good grief
bullet Same difference
bullet Almost exactly
bullet Government organization
bullet Sanitary landfill
bullet Alone together
bullet Legally drunk
bullet Silent scream
bullet British fashion
bullet Living dead
bullet Small crowd
bullet Business ethics
bullet Soft rock
bullet Butt head
bullet Military intelligence
bullet Software documentation
bullet New classic
bullet Childproof
bullet "Now, then ..."
bullet Synthetic natural gas
bullet Passive aggression
bullet Taped live
bullet Clearly misunderstood
bullet Peace force
bullet Temporary tax increase
bullet Computer jock
bullet Plastic glasses
bullet Terribly pleased
bullet Computer security
bullet Political science
bullet Tight slacks
bullet Definite maybe
bullet Pretty ugly
bullet Twelve-ounce pound cake
bullet Diet ice cream
bullet Working vacation
bullet Exact estimate
bullet Religious tolerance
bullet Microsoft Works

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40 Tips for Proper English

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb always follows the verb.
40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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The origin of a very popular expression... (urban legend)

In the Battle of Agincourt, The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. What was this body part?

The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow.

This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew". Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck the yew! Pluck yew! Over the years some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture.

Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like 'pleasant mother pheasant plucker', which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "f", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
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Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!
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Games to play with (on) your Friends

Print or write these out on a piece of paper exactly as they are presented below. Then have someone say the sentences out loud. Enjoy!












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An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble!

Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness: Genuine Class
Semolina: Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Contradiction: Accord not in it
Princess Diana: Ascend in Paris

This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." * Neil Armstrong

The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

The following phrase: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

Coincidence? You be the judge.

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An Italian Conversation...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked...

Doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged and models deposed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, Haines Inspector 12 will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

And is it remotely possible that politicians could be devoted ?
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Emergency Deployment of vowels to Yugoslavia

Before an emergency joint session of Congress today, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the Yugoslavian war zone. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U and is hoped to render countless names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world." Clinton said Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," TrszgGrzdnjkin, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters I could be George Humphries. This is my dream." The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiluae, and Aao with vital life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.

There is no truth to the rumor that Clinton's next target for assistance with pronunciation is Wales.

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The Lisping Midget

A man owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I'm sending him over."

"The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I sthee her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I sthee her eyesth? " So the owner picks up the midget again and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to sthee her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. I'd like to sthee her run!"

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Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Family History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt
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A Spelling Test

(Easy for those with CLEAR and CLEAN minds.)

1) What is a four letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one, you can use your hands?

6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

7) What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?


(Scroll down for answers)


1) Talk

2) Legs

3) A Twenty-dollar bill

4) Firetruck

5) Fork

6) Almond Joy Candy Bar

7) Last name
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Washington Post Style Invitational

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

bullet Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
bullet Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
bullet Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
bullet Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
bullet Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
bullet Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
bullet Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
bullet Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
bullet Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
bullet Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
bullet Glibido: All talk and no action.
bullet Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
bullet Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
bullet Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Readers were also asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Some of the winning entries follow...

bullet Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
bullet Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
bullet Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
bullet Willy-nily (adj.), impotent
bullet Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
bullet Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
bullet Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
bullet Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
bullet Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
bullet Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
bullet Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
bullet Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
bullet Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.
bullet Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
bullet Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington, D.C., who have been jerked around by the mayor.
bullet Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
bullet Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
bullet Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
bullet Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

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New definitions for common English words:
bullet Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
bullet Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
bullet Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
bullet Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
bullet Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
bullet Cartoonist what you call your mechanic.
bullet Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
bullet Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
bullet Crestfallen dropped toothpaste.
bullet Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
bullet Eyebrows what I do when I go shopping.
bullet Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
bullet Foreclose why teenagers go to the mall.
bullet Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
bullet Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
bullet Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
bullet Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
bullet Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
bullet Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
bullet Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
bullet Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
bullet Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
bullet Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
bullet Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
bullet Subdued \sub-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
bullet Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Brought litigation against a government official.

And More...

bullet Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and fool on the other.
bullet Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.                          
bullet Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
bullet Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
bullet Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway down, "Well, I'm not injured yet."

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Thesaurus Joke

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplused, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
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The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
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Two Mathematicians...

Two mathematicians were strolling along a suburban road one afternoon when they came across two women arguing across the garden fence which separated their homes.
"Of course... they will never agree", said the first mathematician.
"Why is that?", inquired his companion.
"Simple, they are arguing from different premises"
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Dutch Language Amusement

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Lena hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry-cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Vell," Lena said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself a colt beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Lena blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?
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It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
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bullet Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
bullet You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
bullet With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
bullet You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
bullet You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
bullet People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
bullet Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
bullet There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
bullet There is bull shit and horse shit and chicken shit.
bullet You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
bullet You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
bullet You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
bullet Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
bullet Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
bullet You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
bullet You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
bullet Sometimes you really need the shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
bullet Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
bullet When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
bullet And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

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Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words today is the word "fuck".
It is the one magical word which,  just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

Verb, transitive "John fucked Mary"
Verb, Intransitive "Mary was fucked by John"
Action verb "John really gives a fuck"
Passive verb "Mary really doesn't give a fuck"
Adverb "Mary is fucking interested in John"
Noun "Mary is a terrific fuck"
Adjective "Mary is fucking beautiful"
Interjection "Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary"
Conjunction "Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid"

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud  "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression  "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used...

.... in an anatomical description "He's a fucking asshole."
.... to tell time "It's five fucking thirty."
.... in business "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
.... maternal "Motherfucker."
.... political "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

Mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?"
General Custer "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
Captain of the Titanic "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
John Lennon "That's not a real fucking gun."
Richard Nixon "Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Anne Boleyn "Heads are going to fucking roll."
Willard Scott "It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!"
Albert Einstein "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Picasso "It does so fucking look like her!"
Pythagoras "How the fuck did you work that out?"
Michaelangelo "You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Walt Disney "Fuck a duck."
Edmund Hilary "Why? Because its fucking there!"
Joan of Arc "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Donald Trump "She wants how much fucking money?!?!?"
Orville Reddenbacher "Look!  Almost every fucking kernel popped!"
Noah "Scattered fucking showers my ass!"
JFK "I need this parade like I need a hole in the head."
Bill Clinton "Who the fuck is going to know?"

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Alternative Meanings for Various Words

The Washington Post recently had a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply possible alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

1. Abdicate - v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

2. Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.

3. Bustard - n., a very rude school bus driver.

4. Carcinoma - n., a valley in California, noted for its heavy smog.

5. Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

6. Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.

7. Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

8. Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

9. Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

11. Lymph - v., to walk with a lisp.

12. Marionettes - n., residents of Washington, DC who have been jerked around by the former mayor.

13. Negligent - adj., a kindly man in ladies sleepwear.

14. Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

15. Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

16. Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before Vespers.

17. Testicle - n., a humorous question on an exam.
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Double Negatives Defined

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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Amusing Language Trivia

The word "bozo" derives from the French slang term "bouseaux" (meaning "hick, peasant, or yokel"). However, bouseaux literally means "cow turds."

Gay men who successfully joined the British Navy used to be called "reverse malingerers."

A Boy Scout who forcibly helps an old lady across the street is called an officious interloper. Ask any lawyer.

The Greeks had a word that meant "with armpits smelling like a he-goat."

The term for when dogs scratch their butts by dragging them across the floor is called "sleigh riding."

The expression "paddy wagon" is derived from a derogatory reference to picking up drunk Irish people.

Young women in Atlanta used to refer to their private parts as "janers."
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Rephrased Phrases

The following were the winners of a New York magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

Can you drive a French motorcycle?

Lost in the mail.

We're wild and crazy guys!

I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

I think; therefore I waffle.

The cat is dead.

Honk if you're Scottish.

Life is feudal.

The king is dead. No kidding.

Death styles of the rich and famous.

I am three years old.

Our cat has a boat.

I came, I saw, I partied.

Fast retort.

Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.

Tons of luck

Don't leave your chateau without it.

I think, therefore I Yam.

I came, I saw, I stuck around.

He deserved it.

The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.
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Handy Latin Phrases

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
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Extremely Bad Analogies

The line separating painfully bad analogies from weirdly good ones is as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that was starved to death by Abraham Lincoln. Here are some fine examples:

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH cleanser.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature beef.

Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting.

He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

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Ambiguity is the Key

As any experienced conversationalist can tell you, ambiguity is the key to winning any argument. Following are a few popular proverbs and counter-proverbs that will allow you to turn a conversation in any direction you want. 

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
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Today's German Lesson

Dog                            Barken panten sniffer
Dog Catcher               Barken panten sniffer snatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck  Barken panten sniffer snatcher wagen
Garage for Truck       Barken panten sniffer snatcher wagen haus
Truck Repairman       Barken panten sniffer snatcher wagen mechanik er werker
Mechanic's Union      Barken panten sniffer snatcher wagen mechanik er werker feather bedden ge fixen gruppe

Doctor                       Chester ge thumpen pulsen tooker
Nurse                        Chester ge thumpen pulsen tooker helper
Hypodermic Needle   Chester ge thumpen pulsen tooker helper hurten sticker
Backside                    Chester ge thumpen pulsen tooker helper hurten sticker stabben placer

Piano               Plinken planken plunken boxen
Pianist             Plinken planken plunken boxen ge pounder
Piano Stool     Plinken planken plunken boxen ge pounder spinnen seat
Piano Recital  Plinken planken plunken boxen ge pounder offen ge showen spellen
Fathers at the Recital   Plinken planken plunken boxen ge pounder offen ge showen spellen snoozen gruppe
Mothers at the Recital   Plinken planken plunken boxen ge pounder offen ge showen spellen snoozen gruppen uppen wakers

Automobile        Honken braken screecher
Gasoline             Honken braken screecher zoomer juicen
Driver                 Honken braken screecher guiden schtunker
Auto Mechanic   Honken braken screecher knocken ge pinger sputter gefixer
Repair Bill          Banken rollen gebusten up totten liste


Q: What do you call a German woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
A: Helga, darling!

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Swearing Has a Bad Image

Swearing has long had a bad image, being labeled as offensive, crude and, in extreme circumstances, the sign of a limited vocabulary. But new research over a ten year period has revealed that this is all wrong.

"Whilst it is still true that excessive swearing is neither big nor clever, our experiments indicate that in small, sensible amounts and at certain levels, swearing is actually beneficial to a person's projected image," said Professor Neil Walker of Oxford University's Language department. "Fucking-A," he added.

The tests were carried out using volunteers from all sections of society, including young children and mothers-to-be. A control group read excerpts from Shakespeare and other well known texts as they were intended, whilst another group read modified versions of the same text. Invariably, those in the second group appeared bigger and cleverer than those from the control.

"Methought I heard a fucking voice cry 'Sleep no more! Macbeth doth murder sleep, the cunt!'" intoned five-year-old Amy Moore from Winstanley Infants School, immediately improving her social standing amongst her peers. Her teacher, although professing to be shocked and disgusted by the language, later admitted to being secretly impressed.

Suspicions were first aroused that swearing might be cool when Walker and some post-graduate friends drank some beer and watched Goodfellas on video.

"Joe Pesci and those other guys are all like 'fucking this' and 'fucking that, you motherfucker'" explains Walker, "and they're all well-hard and respected and shit. So we thought fuck it, let's try and prove it."

He is especially keen to lay to rest what he calls "that limited vocabulary bullshit."

"I know a literally bastard amount of words, and I swear," he claims. "And this chap over at the Oxford University Press works on the dictionary, and he swears like a fucking trooper."

Following the publication of the study, it is hoped that controls on swearing will be relaxed, in particular by television watchdogs, The Broadcasting Standards Commission. A spokesperson refused to discuss details, but did reveal that officials were looking into the possibility of letting characters in soaps such as Eastenders use real swearing, injecting more realism into the programs. It appears that the chances of The Teletubbies telling each other to "fuck off" are still very slim, though.
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Romantic Rhymes

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
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This Strange English Language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

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