Osama Bin Laden Humor (and Iraq)

"United States Marines..."

Sign at a Cafe in Jefferson, TX (March 2003):

We no longer sell French Fries
We sell Freedom Fries

September 11, 2001... We Will Never Forget!

Hitch-Hiking Through Afghanistan 
Osama bin Laden Goes to a Psychic 
The Double Secret Plan 
You're a Journalist With a Dilemma...  
New York - Year 2032 
Two Opposing Views on War 
One Texas Soldier is Better Than Ten Taliban 
Osama is Inspecting a Camel's Butt 
Late-Night Banter on Bin Laden 
David Wants to Send Osama a Valentine 
The Top 15 Events in the Taliban Olympics 
CNN News Bulletin
No Profiling
If You Find White Powder...
A Letter to the FAA
Hussein and Bush Meet in Baghdad
Their Sons Are Martyrs
Signs IRAQ Is Getting Used to the Bombings
Iraqi TV Guide
Stand Up for America Rally Speech
Basic Iraqi Common Translations
Osama's Cave-based Music Play List
Iraqi Sense of Humor
Shits and Turds
One-Liners 11/9/03
The Binch 
Osama bin Liquor
(on another site)
Wipe With Bin Laden (on another site)
Day-O (on another site) 
Top Reasons the Al-Qaeda Terrorists Will Commit Suicide 
Twas the Night Before Payback 
Newest Taliban Towns 
Osama at the Pearly Gates 
Letter From the Citizens of the USA
New York, 2060
Osama's Magical Mirror
Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Saddam Hussein Has a Dream
Saddam Hussein Top 10 Lists 5/8/03
Dealing With Peace Activists
Useful Phrases for Iraq Travel
Osama's Inter-Cave Memo
Osama, Lorena, Tonya and Hillary
Uday & Qusay's Surviving Familiy
Basic Iraqi Translations
Saddam In Fit After Prozac Runs Out
Arab-Based Saddam Humor


Hitch-Hiking Through Afghanistan

A guy driving a truck in the middle of the Afghan desert picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep.  Suddenly, there's a big bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up and says, "What the hell was that?".

The truck driver replies, "Some kind of animal; go back to sleep."

A little further down the road, another big bang is heard. Once again, the hitch-hiker yells out, "What the hell was that?"

The driver replies, "Some kind of animal again.  Stop worrying and go back to sleep."

Further into the night, a loud "bang, bang, bang," was heard.

"Alright, what the hell is going on here?" asked the hitch-hiker.

"O.K., it's just that snake of a bastard Osama bin Laden."

"How terrible, " says the hitch-hiker, "but why were there three bangs the last time?"

The truck driver replies, "Well, I had to drive through two fences to run the bastard over!"
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Q: Why can't you circumcise Osama bin Laden?
A: There's no end to that towel-wrapped prick!

Q: Why there are so many al-Qaeda warriors in the front lines of Afghanistan?
Q: Because a mine is a terrible thing to waste!

Q: Why did the Taliban outlaw holding driver's ed class and sex ed class on the same day?
A: They decided it was too much for their camels to handle.

Q: Why don't intelligent people pay any attention to what Osama bin Laden teaches?
A: Because a waste is a terrible thing to mind.

Q: How many Afghans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None...they don't have any power!

Q: What does the Taliban and a proctologist have in common?
A: They both are anal retentive!!

Q: Why do Afghans like to fuck sheep at the edge of a cliff?
A: The sheep tend to push back harder that way!!

Q: What do you call a follower of Osama bin Laden that has both a camel and a goat?
A: Bi-sexual!

Q: How is bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble

Q: What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What do you call bin Laden's girlfriend? 
A: A 'Tali-whacker'.

Q: What do bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

New Taliban Law: All Taliban women must shave off pubic hair, or run the risk of being considered a BUSH supporter!

CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday when airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles.
Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.

News services are reporting that Osama bin Laden has been captured by U.S. Special Forces.

In a covert operation, the entire country of Afghanistan was sprayed with Viagra and the little prick popped right up!

Q: Why did Bin Laden cross the road?
A: To be with the chickens on the other side, that scared little bastard!

I hear they've had to cancel sex education and drivers education in Afghanistan.
All the camels have been blown up.

Did you know they were going to build a Wal-Mart in Afghanistan?
It's true, but they decided not to because there was already a Target on every corner.

Q. Why don't Afghan men shave their beards?
A. So they can look like their mothers.

Q: What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
A: Neither knew when to pull out!

Q: What do you call two Iraqi women walking into a bar?
A: Incoming scuds!

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Iraq?
A: Two days.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund!

Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring all Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a sign of defiance to the West. International news reporters are saying that the anti-Bush campaign has gone too far.

Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Saddam says that if anybody else compares him to Hitler, he'll gas them.

"Towel Heads" is no longer a politically correct term.

The other day I heard that the Taliban are getting upset because people Keep referring to them as "towel heads." Apparently, they do not wear towels on their heads, they wear sheets. In the future, when you refer to them, please use their correct name -- "sheet heads."

Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: How many Iraqi's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four:
- One to screw in the light bulb.
- One to claim that they've actually screwed in 300 light bulbs.
- One to claim that they've unscrewed 150 American light bulbs.
- And one to claim that they're screwing and unscrewing light bulbs for the Palestinians.

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Osama bin Laden Goes to a Psychic

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"
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The Binch

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,

It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!"

Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules.

And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.

"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea-an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"

The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow-
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it-they started to sing!

He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!

He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!
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Oh, Osama bin Laden

  Oh, Osama bin Laden
    you sonovabitch
  May your balls quickly develop
    a 7-year itch
  May your pecker be twisted
    in such a strange manner
  That your asshole's always whistling
    The Star Spangled Banner!
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Very shortly, Osama and the Taliban will hear the letter and number called out so frequently in Iraqi back in 1991.

You know, the one that broke up the Iraqi bingo games, only now to be heard in Afghanistan.


The Double Secret Plan:

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the CIA, Rangers, Seals or whomever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

Then we return 'her' to Afghanistan to live under the Taliban. 
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You're a Journalist With a Dilemma...

Imagine you are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been  lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photojournalist and stringing for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You happen to come across Osama Bin Laden, who has been swept away by the floodwaters.

He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb and plunges into certain death.

So, here's the question, and think carefully before you answer.

Which would you use--telephoto or wide angle lens?
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New York - Year 2032

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approximately 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy what are Arabs?"  
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Top Reasons the Al-Qaeda Terrorists Will Commit Suicide

1 no pre-marital sex
2 no oral sex, ever
3 no booze
4 no titty bars
5 no Playboy channel
6 no organized sports of any kind
7 "Hooters!  What is this 'Hooters' of which you speak!"
8 fucking sand everywhere
9 ever fish at an oasis?
10 rags for clothes and hats
11 eating with your right hand only because you wipe your ass with your left
12  constant wailing from the ass hole next door...no wait... is that music? - shit, can't tell.
13 barbecue cooked over camel dung
14 their women have to wear baggy dresses and veils
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Two Opposing Views on War

"The situation where we are now, there are two things: either death or victory.  To those who are fighting and bombarding us, they should understand the Afghan man is a fighter willing to die for jihad." 
- Taliban's supreme leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, October 2001

"I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.   He won it by making the other dumb bastard die for his country."
- General George S. Patton, June 1944
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One Texas Soldier is Better Than Ten Taliban

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.   "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."
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Twas the Night Before Payback

Twas the night before payback and all through the land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
They are our fathers and they are our sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big guns.
They would have stayed home with children and wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.
I will not be sorry to see your ass go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this show.
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Osama is Inspecting a Camel's Butt

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"
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Newest Taliban Towns

Now that American B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape, US intelligence has discovered that the Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us.  These new names include:

 1.   Wherz-Myroof
 2.   Mykamel-Izded
 3.   Oshit-Disisabad
 4.   Waddi-El-Izgowinon
 5.   Pleez-Ztopdishit
 6.   Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
 7.   Ikantstan-Disnomore
 8.   Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
 9.   Myturbin-Izburnin
10.   Imma-Dedschmuck
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Late-Night Banter on Bin Laden

What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." -- David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing Bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." -- Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno"

It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" -- Conan O'Brien

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'" -- Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official, Colonel Sanders." --Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early." -- Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." -- Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno
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David Wants to Send Osama a Valentine

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.  "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.  Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.  And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.  "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him!"
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The Top 15 Events in the Taliban Olympics

15. The Long-Distance Bite-Off-More-Than-You-Can-Chew
14. The Four-Man Bomb Sled
13. Synchronized Surrendering
12. Jalalabadminton
11. Women's 4x200 Avoid-Drowning-in-the-Burqa Relay
10. Decapitathlon
 9. Women's Downhill-From-Here Flogging
 8. Sprint into the Dark Ages
 7. Buddha Statue Marksmanship
 6. Women's Don't-Show-Your-Figure Skating
 5. Tora Bora Cave Whack-a-Mole
 4. Regardless of the event, the Russian judge will still cheat.
 3. Mixed Pairs Minefield Dancing (Men only)
 2. Goat Vaulting
 1. The 600-Yard Bowel-Evacuating Daisy-Cutter Dash
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Osama at the Pearly Gates

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.  There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind.  "You wanted to end the America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!"  He takes a sledge hammer and WHAM! nails Osama's knees.  Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.  What the hell did you think I said?"
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CNN News Bulletin

At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers!
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Letter From the Citizens of the USA

Dear Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein,

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing by them for the first time.

Since this game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately are unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast you -- LITERALLY.

While we will admit that you are off to an impressive lead, it is however now our turn at the plate.  By the way, we will be playing on your court now.

Batter up.

The 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America
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New York, 2060

An eighty-year-old man is walking around New York with his grandson in the year 2060. The old man stops for a second, takes off his hat and bows his head. He puts his hat back on and starts walking again. The grandson asks, "Grandpa, what was that you just did?"

The old man says, "Well, a long time ago these ragheads from Pakistan came and leveled a couple of our buildings and a lot of people died."

The little boy paused for a second and said, "Grandpa, what's Pakistan?"
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No Profiling

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - - -particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots
with proper identification, secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old
Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors. Let's pause a moment and take the following test:

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbutt
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kid
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless!"
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) al Qaida-type male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

Certainly no patterns anywhere to justify profiling, are there?
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If You Find White Powder...

If you find white powder mailed to you from an al-Qaida member, you may be exposed to:

In the train seat next to you,

On your breakfast toast,

On your flapjacks,

On pictures you shouldn't have taken,

After studying all night,

In hell,

In a karate dojo,

On members of 80's rock bands,

On your cheeks, across your face, at a concert,

In a letter from your stalker,

In a small baggie of dope,

In a large baggie of dope,

On your Miss Piggy (or Kermit) doll,

In a Steven king novel,

On a wookie,

On your sheep (especially if your name is Mary),

On the remote control or in the Lazy-Boy,

At the gym,

>From make money fast ads,

In Goober's garage,

After being insulted,

In a liter of soda,

In a supermodels dressing room,

In your bikini,

Under your bikini,

In Mel Gibson's bikini briefs,

In your AeroStar,

In the back of your pickup truck,

On Captain Hook's hook,

On your Xrays,

At the Moulin Rouge,

On your Thanksgiving plate,
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As we all know, the Taliban consider it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 p.m. Eastern time all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's okay to see other women nude and to show support for their fellow sisters. And since the Taliban also do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation.
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A Letter to the FAA

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs:
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Bill Clinton
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Osama's Magical Mirror

Before coming down to the breakfast cave every morning, Osama bin Laden would look into his magical mirror and ask, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the biggest asshole of them all?" The mirror would reply, "You are Osama".

That would make his day and he would arrive at the breakfast cave with a huge smile on his face, before indulging in his goat's milk and dried cowpat cereal.

Not a day went by when he wouldn't ask the mirror, and every day the mirror would confirm his question. Yes, he was in fact, the biggest asshole of them all. One day, Osama arrived at the breakfast table with a huge scowl on his face, and he was obviously very upset. One of his eleven wives summed up the courage to ask him, "What's wrong Osama?"

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Hussein and Bush Meet in Baghdad

Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
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Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein

...Shares pain of economic embargo because he can only obtain gold-plated replacement fixtures for solid gold bathtubs.

...Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure free HBO.

...Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of missing limbs and strange burn marks.

...Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.

...Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.

...Upset that Slobodan hasn't written for weeks.

...Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at "Disembowel the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism" Rally; those with low marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad sewer cages using remaining limbs.

...Pleased that he's now slightly more popular in Kuwait than flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after lengthy "hearts and minds" campaign.

...Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the "moonwalk" for them.

...Still regretting brilliant "Park Entire Air Force in Iran" maneuver during Gulf War.

...Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his Assassination Merit Badge.

...Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm, or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD's for only 1 cent from his favorite record club.

...Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently, and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.

...Enjoys hunting trips to Baghdad Zoo.
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Their Sons Are Martyrs

Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"This is my oldest. He's a martyr."

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

There's a pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
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Saddam Hussein Has a Dream

Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Hussein.

"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

"Long Live Saddam!" answered the Arab dictator.

"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, many, many beautiful tall, gleaming buildings, filled with clean-shaven workers, both male & female and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."

"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.

"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew!"
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Signs IRAQ Is Getting Used to the Bombings

• Owners of Target franchises make plans to open stores back up again.
• Instead of saying, "We are under attack, please take shelter," citizens are now told, "Here we go again, you know the drill."
• Everyone wears sunglasses all the time.
• Sarcastic giggling heard just behind live CNN reporters.
• Yesterday's lead headline in most Iraqi newspapers was "NBA Lockout Continues."
• Instead of running for cover at the sound of the air raid sirens, the Iraqis do the "Tomahawk Chop."
• Hussein's latest address to the nation included the line, "We must resist the Great Satan, yadda yadda yadda..."
• Christiane Amanpour is being invited to rooftop bomb watching parties all over Baghdad.
• Baghdad High's senior class has playfully painted a bulls-eye on the roof of the school.
• Iraqi Television Network preempts Hussein's speech to show "Baywatch."
• Maps of Baghdad being divided into numbered grids and sold on street corners to play "Cruise Missile Bingo."
• Baghdad weather girls point to the map and say, "Scattered B-52 bombings and cruise missile strikes tonight through the early morning, with light rocket attacks tomorrow, clearing off by noon."
• "We could be killed by a bomb any second" no longer an effective pickup line in Iraqi bars.
• Every Iraqi citizen has been issued a catcher's mitt.
• Students anxiously listen to the radio each morning to listen for school closings.
• Even the ever-hilarious, "Sorry, that was me--must've been those BEANS I ate!" jokes are wearing thin.
• Gag gift sales soar with the release of the new "Magnetic Hat."
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Saddam Hussein Top 10 Lists


10. Went to Disney's new "Animal Kingdom" and beat a moose to death.
9. While holding wrapped present, exclaimed, "It feels like a beret!"
8. Admired his FTD "Wish You Were Dead" bouquet from President Bush.
7. Listened as citizens of Baghdad sang "Happy Birthday."
6. Watched as citizens who didn't sing "Happy Birthday" were shot.
5. Read his congratulatory telegram from Satan.
4. Saw "The Object of My Affection" -- loved it, loved it, loved it!
3. Played his favorite party game, "Pin the Stead Knife on the Cowardly Traitor."
2. Let a few U.N. dudes in to "his toilet."
1. He got bombed.


10. Splash on a little goat's blood.
9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents.
8. Shampoo and condition your mustache.
7. Don't be a cheapskate at the movies--buy the large hummus!
6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed.
5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison.
4. "Say it with toxic nerve agents!"
3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites.
2. Name a camel after her.
1. Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon!"


10. Never store fireworks too close to your hidden cache of chemical weapons.
9. Ladies, turn heads at the beach with a skimpy two-piece veil.
8. When it comes to hot dogs, mustard bad, mustard gas good.
7. Your beret makes a great spur-of-the-moment frisbee.
6. When barbecuing, wear hilarious apron that reads: "Kiss the chef or you will be put to death."
5. Thursdays are always half-price at "Wacky Saddam's Family Water Park."
4. Enjoy the cooling breeze from your soldiers waving their flags of surrender.
3. Wet mustache contest!
2. Mix one part iced tea with one part lemonade, pour into large punch bowl, and use to drown your enemies.
1. Two words: camouflage speedo.

Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein

..Concubine's continued silence in public explained by lack of tongue.

..Favorite comic strip is Marmaduke.

..Still trying to convince skeptical U.N. to replace "Oil for Food" program with new "Oil for Plutonium" program.

..Believes that Iraqi women have the right to be just as miserable and terrified as Iraqi men.

..Now has Iraqi currency printed directly on rolls of toilet paper.

..Still loves posing for paintings while wearing sunglasses.

..Issued a fatwah against "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown", claiming that only he, Saddam, can be the "baddest man in the whole damn town".

- David Letterman, The Late Show

10. We're pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned.
9. Don't believe that stuff you see on CNN... or NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox or MSNBC.
8. If you ask me who the winner is, it depends on what your definition of "is" is.
7. Iraqi television is off the air because we didn't want you to have to sit through "Becker."
6. Do you know of any job openings for a lying weasel?
5. Wolf Blitzer and I are engaged.
4. Iraqis are in the streets celebrating Cher's 40 fabulous years in show business.
3. Incoming!
2. Saddam's not dead -- he's just out with a case of the shingles.
1. War? What war?

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Iraqi TV Guide

8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Saddam Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies

8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Saddam's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal

8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Saddam's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch

8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News

8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
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Dealing With Peace Activists

With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001.

These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.

8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost. We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.

Just a few punches to mention:
Twin Towers 2001
USS Cole
Twin Towers 93
American Embassy 98
Kuwait 91
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Stand Up for America Rally Speech
By: Beth Chapman

This is from a speech given in Tennessee:

I'm here tonight because men and women of the United States military have given their lives for my freedom. I am not here tonight because Sheryl Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, Martin Sheen, George Clooney, Jane Fonda or Phil Donahue, sacrificed their lives for me.

If my memory serves me correctly, it was not movie stars or musicians, but the United States Military who fought on the shores of Iwo Jima, the jungles of Vietnam, and the beaches of Normandy.

Tonight, I say we should support the President of the United States and the U.S. Military and tell the liberal, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippy, tie-dyed liberals to go make their movies and music and whine somewhere else.

After all, if they lived in Iraq, they wouldn't be allowed the freedom of speech they're being given here today. Ironically, they would be put to death at the hands of Sadam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden.

I want to know how the very people who are against war because of the loss of life, can possibly be the same people who are for abortion?

They are the same people who are for animal rights but against the rights of the unborn.

The movie stars say they want to go to Iraq and serve as "human shields" for the Iraqis. I say let them buy a one-way ticket and go.

No one likes war. I hate war! But the one thing I hate more is the fact that this country has been forced into war-innocent people have lost their lives - - and there but for the grace of God, it could have been my brother, my husband, or even worse my own son.

On December 7, 1941, there are no records of movie stars treading the blazing waters of Pearl Harbor.

On September 11, 2001; there are no photos of movie stars standing as "human shields" against the debris and falling bodies descending from the World Trade Center. There were only policemen and firemen - -underpaid civil servants who gave their all with nothing expected in return.

When the USS Cole was bombed, there were no movie stars guarding the ship - - where were the human shields then?

If America's movie stars want to be human shields, let them shield the gang-ridden streets of Los Angeles, or New York City, let them shield the lives of the children of North Birmingham whose mothers lay them down to sleep on the floor each night to shelter them from stray bullets.

If they want to be human shields, I say let them shield the men and women of honesty and integrity who epitomize courage and embody the spirit of freedom by wearing the proud uniforms of the United States Military. Those are the people who have earned and deserve shielding!

Throughout the course of history, this country has remained free, not because of movie stars and liberal activists, but because of brave men and women who hated war too. However, they lay down their lives so that we all may live in freedom. After all - "What greater love hath no man, that he lay down his life for his friend," or in this case a country.

We should give our military honor and acknowledgement and not let their lives be in vain. If you want to see true human shields, walk through Arlington Cemetery. There lie human shields, heroes, and the BRAVE Americans who didn't get on television and talk about being a human shield - they were human shields.

I thank God tonight for freedom - - those who bought and paid for it with their lives in the past - - those who will protect it in the present and defend it in the future.

America has remained silent too long! God-fearing people have remained silent too long!

We must lift our voices united in a humble prayer to God for guidance and the strength and courage to sustain us throughout whatever the future may hold.

After the tragic events of Sept. 11th, my then eleven -year-old son said terrorism is a war against us and them and if you're not one of us, then you're one of them.

So in closing tonight, let us be of one accord, let us stand proud, and let us be the human shields of prayer, encouragement and support for the President, our troops and their families and our country.
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Useful Phrases for Iraq Travel

Previous Useful Phrases To Know When Traveling In Iraq

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN - Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR-GABUL CARDAN DIVAT RAEH CUSH DIVAR - I'm delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

RAJEBEH KESHAVARHMAN - If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public
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Basic Iraqi Common Translations

Phrase : "America will face the mother of all battles again if it attack Iraq."
Translation: "They'll kick our behind again."

Quote : "Go use sword. Draw your sword, and I'm not afraid. .... And pull your trigger and keep the fire on....."
Translation: "I am in my nice German built and French furnished bunker."

Quote : "Let thunderstorms go until the guidance appears, and injustice goes away. And let dawn be the way to confront all bad....."
Translation: "Let cruise missiles go until the guidance appears over Iraq and injustice goes away.
'By the dawn's early light ...' Oops, wrong anthem ..."

Quote : "We pledge that we will confront the invaders and we will get them to, God willing, to the limit where they will lose their patience...."
Translation: "We will pretend to fight until, Jacques Chirac willing, the protestors will save our behind..."

Quote : "We love peace and we are working towards this peace...."
Translation: "I'm lying; watch my lips move."

Quote : "Draw your sword. No one will be victorious unless he is a man, and a brave man. And prepare a banner and call for the will of God that the wounds will heal quickly..."
Translation: "Oh God, this is going to hurt!..."
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Osama's Inter-Cave Memo

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, May 19, 2002 8:17 AM
To: Al Qaida Cavemates
Subject: Inter-Cave Memo

Hi guys--praise Allah. We've all been putting in long hours once again, and we've really come together as a group--I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no 'I' in team," as well as the one that says, "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: Food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration--that's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Mohammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Bobby.

Death to infidels,
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Osama's Cave-based Music Play List

17. Bomb Drops Keep Fallin' on my Head
16. Ain't No Mountain High Enough, or With Enough Caves
15. Taliban on the Run
14. Jalalabad Moon Risin'
13. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Bunker
12. Freebeard
11. Allah Said Knock You Out
10. The Goatest Love of All
9. Don't Cry for Me, Al Qaeda
8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (So I Cut Off Her Hands and Publicly Stoned Her to Death)
7. Meet'yer Mak'er
6. Grandmullah Got Run Over By a Reindeer
5. Pretty Fly for a Soon-to-be Dead Guy
4. The Night They Drove Ol' Dickhead Down
3. He Ain't Heavy, Which is Good Because Someone's Going to Have to Carry His Lifeless Body a Substantial Distance
2. (Shittin' in the) Back of the Cave

and the Number 1 song on Osama bin Laden Cave-based Play List...

1. Cheney's Got a Gun.
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Osama, Lorena, Tonya and Hillary

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in a cave and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
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Uday & Qusay's Surviving Familiy

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute

Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
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Iraqi Sense of Humor

In a land where jokes about the president once were punishable by death, the collapse of Saddam's regime is allowing Iraqis to make fun of him. Like many things in Iraq, the jokes need some work. There has been little to laugh about during the Saddam's reign, so the Iraqis sense of humor is a little rusty.

Saddam and one of his flunkies go bird-hunting. The flunky shoots a bird on the first try, but the dictator misses too. and gets angry. When Saddam misses the third time, his flunky tells the boss he really did hit the bird, despite the evidence. "My God, its dead," he tells Saddam, "but it's still flying!"

While meeting with the Cabinet one day, Saddam issues a bizarre proclamation: "The elephant has wings to fly! After the meeting, someone asks Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri, one of Saddam's top deputies, "Is it true that elephants have wings?" "Elephants do fly," he replies, "just not very high!"

Information Minister Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf: As a statue of Saddam is being pulled down behind him, a journalist asks, "Is Saddam falling?" "No," al-Sahhaf insists, "hats just someone who looks like Saddam."

Saddam's wife, Sajida, tells al-Douri to come to her house at midnight for a tryst and to show up wearing nothing. Al-Douri arrives in the buff, and finds Saddam at the door. Al-Douri, who never makes a decision without checking with the boss, explains: "I just wanted to know what I should wear tomorrow!"

With the war raging, Saddam calls to al-Douri, who runs into the room waving the V-for-victory sign with two fingers up. Saddam is elated: "We won! We won!" "No," al-Douri replies, "I'm telling you, its just you and me left!"
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Basic Iraqi Translations

Understanding Basic Iraqi Common Translations

Quote : "We have no such weapons at all, no chemical weapons, no biological weapons."
Translation: "Using the Clinton definition of 'we', my wife and I have none, but our aides have tons."

Phrase : Iraqi citizens have "a duty to join in a jihad, or holy war, and that martyrs would be rewarded in heaven."
Translation: "All subjects must fight, or we will kill your relatives. The dead will get a coalition burial."

Phrase : "Strike them, fight them everywhere the way you are fighting them today."
Translation: "Continue to shop as long as the coalition uses smart bombs."

Quote : "The aggression that the aggressors are carrying out against the stronghold of faith is an aggression on the religion, the wealth, the honor and the soul and an aggression on the land of Islam."
Translation: "The investigations that the allies are carrying out of or personal fortunes is an aggression on Swiss banking, capitalism, the greed and the avarice and an aggression on the land of Presidential Palaces."

Quote : "It is your chance for immortality. Seize the opportunity my brothers."
Translation: "Do this and you're a dead camel. Meanwhile I'll pack for my plane outta here."

Quote : "Saddam Hussein is alive. The Iraqi President and the country's leadership are well and functioning."
Translation: "Saddam Hussein is alive. The Iraqi President and the country's leadership are well and functioning ... on life support."

Quote : "Iraq will use unconventional tactics to fight the coalition's advance on Baghdad."
Translation: "We take off our uniforms and run like the pussies that we are."

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Shits and Turds

The Pentagon announced today the capture of the terrorist group in Iraq, Saddam Hussein's Iraqi Terrorists (SHIT). The Pentagon said they regard Saddam Hussein to be the Number One SHIT, and that he is at the top of their SHIT list.

The former dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, had been actively recruiting both ex-soldiers and civilians to become SHITs with a marketing campaign copying the Dr. Pepper jingle, "I'm a SHIT, he's a SHIT, etc.... wouldn't you like to be a SHIT too?" This apparently would be considered a promotion for former Iraqi Army soldiers, but only a lateral transfer for those few remaining Republican Guard members that became active SHITs.

According to a Pentagon analyst, one of the most disturbing facets of these SHITS was their ability to disguise themselves as TURDs (Terrorists Underneath Raghead Diapers). It was difficult to distinguish between SHITs and TURDs without very close examination. The Pentagon further stated, however, that US forces no longer would need to shoot the SHIT and bomb the SHIT out of Iraq, or until the SHIT hit the fan.
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Saddam In Fit After Prozac Runs Out

Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard whimpering that he was defying the U.S. occupation of his country only because it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac refilled.

"He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a mega dose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self before it's too late," one of Saddam's close advisors said after being assured anonymity.

A White House source admitted that the President had previously considered the option of a Prozac airdrop over Hussein's bunker, but he decided against it, imagining the world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too much.
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Arab-Based Saddam Humor

It's reported that Saddam jokes are popular now in the Arab countries. This is an article from WorldNetDaily about Saddam humor circulated on the Internet in Egypt.

Saddam Hussein may be out of power in Iraq, but his legacy is still alive among Internet jokes being passed around by Arabs in Egypt.

According to the Al-Majallah newspaper, the fall of Baghdad has given rise to humor, reflecting the shock and disappointment of people who thought Iraq would offer greater resistance.

It reportedly began with a message asking people to check CNN for Saddam's resignation on condition that he live in the White House. Then other messages featured a photo of the dictator with a caption reading, "Seeking employment pending fall of regime."

Al-Majallah says some of the jokes were in question-and-answer format:

* Saddam asks Bin Laden, what do I do when it's over? Bin Laden said: Hide in a cave, record some tapes and send them to Al-Jazeera.

* Saddam, how are you going to hang the Americans from the walls of Baghdad? Saddam says: "I didn't mean the city, I meant underground Baghdad."

The Iraqi information minister Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, better known as "Baghdad Bob," is even featured in some of the jokes.

Have you heard the one about Saddam and Sahhaf on the banks of the Tigris? A man on the other side raises two fingers in a victory sign. "What happened?" asks Saddam. "Did we win the war?" "Don't be stupid," Sahhaf says. "He means there's just two of us left."

Saddam isn't the sole target of the jokes. President Bush and other westerners are prominently featured, according to the report.

Bush and Blair are giving a press conference. "Right," Bush says, "we're going to kill two million Iraqis and one construction worker."

Question from the press: "Why do you want to kill a construction worker?" Bush leans over to Blair and whispers: "Told you nobody gives a damn about the two million Iraqis."

Bush, Blair, and Saddam gathered one day on the banks of the Euphrates River. Bush asked his secret service to dive in and bring him a crocodile. The agents say: "Sorry sir, no can do-- we have wives and kids to look after." Blair tries, same result: "Sorry sir, no can do--we have wives and kids to look after." Then it's Saddam's turn, and all the agents jump in and bring him lots of crocodiles. Bush and Blair say: "How did you do that?"
Saddam says: "I have their wives and kids to look after."

Saddam, Bush, and Russia's Vladimir Putin are swimming in the Arabian Gulf when a giant whale appears. Bush says: "If you eat me, my warships will destroy you."

Putin says: "If you eat me, my missiles will destroy you."

They swim hard to the shore and escape by the skin of their teeth, only to find Saddam waiting on the beach.

"How did you get here so fast?" they ask.

Saddam says: "I told him my name, and he spit me out on the beach."

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