Political Humor, Quotes and Facts

The Governor's Assistant Dies
Doctors Bragging About Their Achievements
How To Be A Good Republican
(by Ann Richards)
Al Gore's Birthday Explains a Lot 
Barbara Bush Lunches with Hirohito 
Florida Recount Humor
Al Gore Addresses the Country 
God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict
(on our Press Release Page) 
Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson 
Apology Letter to China 
Michigan Senator Kicked Out of Senate (true) 
Calvin Coolidge - A Man of Few Words 
Interesting Presidential Trivia  11/4/03
Proof That You Can Get Sex From Aides 
Jesse Jackson Prose 
Transsexual Elected to New Zealand Parliament 
Oliver North Being Questioned in 1987 (bogus)
Al Gore on The Internet 
Jesse Jackson adds Mel Reynolds to Payroll 
Uncategorized Political Quotes
Tipper Shaves Off All Her Pubic Hair
A Boy With Republican Puppies
Rumsfield and Saddam
A Politician in Church
Jane Fonda in Billings, Montana (true)
A Tourist in Washington, D.C.
Democrats, Republicans, Southern Republicans
G.W. and Kerry's Wives
This Must be Bush Country
John Hinckley is Released
He Retracts his Statement 
An Older Couple Had a Son
Porker Award Goes to Sen. Bennett
Two Candidates Compare Tipping Strategies
George W Bush Humor
(on it's own page) 
Gore - Bush Debate 2000 
Quotes from The Devil's Dictionary 
Democrat's Christmas Card 
Jesse Jackson Thinks He May be Turning White 
Jesse Jackson Shopping at Sears 
You Have Two Cows... 
Republicans' Dreams More Frightening 
Presidential IQs Compared
He's Not Voting for Harkins  
Bush and Hussein Compare Dreams 
Jesse Jackson Threatens Self-Immolation 
When Kennedy Drinks, Everybody Drinks 
Political Witticisms from Will Rogers
Man Brings Guns to Rainbow/PUSH Forum
A Republican on Her Porch
"Gay Hairdresser" Ad Kills Campaign
Understanding Welfare
Presidential Mischief
The Election of 2000
Robin Williams Has a Plan
Odd Government Proposals
Running Eagle
2004 Democratic National Convention Program
2004 Election Miscellany

He Retracts his Statement

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
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An Older Couple had a Son...

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was unable to decide about his future career... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.  Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive... he took the 10-dollar bill and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff, then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
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Porker Award Goes to Sen. Bennett

The taxpayer watchdog group Citizens Against Government Waste is honoring Sen. Robert Bennett, R-Utah, with an award he's unlikely to pick up. He's earned the group's July "Porker of the Month" Award.

The dubious honor, says CAGW, is because Bennett wrangled $3.3 million in federal funds to test Olympic athletes for drugs. The 2002 Winter Games are being held in Salt Lake City in Bennett's home state.

Says CAGW President Thomas Schatz: "The real war on cocaine, heroin, and other dangerous drugs continues across the country, but Sen. Bennett apparently thinks taxpayers should be more worried about those speed skaters who look just a bit too buff."
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Two Candidates Compare Tipping Strategies

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
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Doctors Bragging About Their Achievements

An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "that's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "in my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them BOTH looking for work in two weeks".

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
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How To Be A Good Republican:
...by Ann Richards

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that someone like Michelle Pfeiffer can really walk into an inner city classroom and accomplish miracles.

5. AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

6. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

7. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.

8. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

9. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

10. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

11. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

12. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah, Buddha, Krishna or Shiva

13. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

14. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

15. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

16. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

17. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

18. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

19. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

20. You only wanted Elian Gonzalez to stay in order to peeve the President.
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Al Gore's Birthday Explains a Lot

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.
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Gore - Bush Debate 2000

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules:

I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.  

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.    

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.    

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.    

Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevich were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?    

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have **** Cheney confer with our allies. And then **** would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then **** would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.    

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.    

Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.    

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?    

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.    

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?    

Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.    

Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.    

Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.    

Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.    

Lehrer: Good night.
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Barbara Bush Lunches with Hirohito

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task.  To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.
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Florida Recount Humor

Q: How many West Palm Beach voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 19,002--19,000 that can't follow the directions, one that does and screws it in, and the last one to suck my dick.

Q. How many assholes does a married voter in West Palm Beach, Florida have?
A. Three--one they were born with, one that they married, and the one they made themselves look like when they voted for president on November 7th.

Q: Did you hear about the West Palm Beach, Florida resident that bought her first computer?
A: She would run outside and check the mailbox every time the computer said, "You have mail!"

Q: Why did Florida voters punch two holes?
A: The first hole is where they get screwed by the candidate of their choice. The second one is where they get fucked in the ass for being so stupid.

Bumper Stickers and Signs:

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!


FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored and now we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

While waiting for the final voter recount in Florida, media services questioned the two major presidential candidates today. Both agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.
The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. 

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire! Can you believe it?! I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers.

The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out! Even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway. I know the FL State Lottery will give me the money. If the don't I'll just sue them!


Palm Beach Pokey - Tune: Hokey Pokey

You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!

You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!

You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!

You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!


Doctor Seuss Goes To Florida

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, Gore I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Let's count them upside down this time
Let's count them until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, Gore I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
All telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, Gore I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it, Gore I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Gore I am!

All Aboard the Elation

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation", which has been commissioned to take you to your new homes outside of the USA.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years.

Your captain is    - Bill Clinton
Your cruise director   - Al Gore
Your recreation director  - Monica Lewinsky
Your lifeguard and swimming instruction supervisor - Sen. Ted
Kennedy Sen. Kennedy will also be teaching a course in emergency procedures.
Your spiritual advisor and marriage counselor will be the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

If you've any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!

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Al Gore Addresses the Country

My Fellow Americans,

You suck. How could you elect some sauced-up Texas cow-puncher to the highest office in the land over me? I'm more experienced than Bush, I'm a better statesman, I've done more for this country, hell, I'm even better looking than that pasty-faced mamma's boy. Not to mention the most important advantage, I'm not from Texas. They say only queers and steers come from Texas. How is it going to look to visiting dignitaries when they see a pair of longhorns on the hood of the presidential limousine?

The man is a lush, folks. Do you really want some boozer throwing keggers at the White House and cruising around D.C. half in the bag and running into lightpoles? Well, that's what you're going to get. And I'll tell you something else. Bush has got a small dick. It's true. Laura told me. That's right, Dubya, I banged her. I banged her like a screen door. What do you think about that?

I deserve this presidency, damnit. I earned it. I didn't spend eight years kissing Bill Clinton's doughy, white ass and tucking chinamen into the Lincoln bedroom just so I could go back to divinity school. Where's my reward? Where are my blowjobs? Do you know I haven't had oral sex since 1993? It's no Mardi Gras curling up next to the Prozac princess every night and interns don't do favors for the V.P. Those are the kind of sacrifices I've made for this country. And what do I get in return? "Thanks a lot Al. You can go back to Tennessee now." Well, no thank you M'am.

A Democratic administration wasn't so bad. Look at everything we've accomplished: we had a few laughs, we had a war, we balanced the budget, we had an impeachment, in my book that's good politics. Do you really want to go back to a Republican White House? Well, you can read my lips, you morons are all fucking insane. Nobody in their right mind would elect Bush. So I want a re-vote, God-damnit. I want those booths set up again, and I want a new ballot designed. One with a hole right next to my God-damned name. And this time everybody can get it right.

Thank you.
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Quotes from The Devil's Dictionary

Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tale for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections... -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Ink- n. A villainous compound of tanno-gallate of iron, gum-Arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime... --Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary

Diplomacy- n. the patriotic act of lying for one's country. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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Democrat's Christmas Card

A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

The election is over, the results are known,
The will of the people has clearly been shown,
Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leader all the help that he needs.
So let's all get together, and let bitterness pass,
I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them

There is an ancient rule among certain tribes in Africa that I think we should apply to modern politics. The rule is that when a man rises to speak he must stand on one foot while delivering his speech. The moment his other foot touches the ground, the speech ends - or the speaker is forcibly silenced

Q: Did you hear about the new bumper sticker that says "Run, Jesse, Run"?
A: You put it on the front of your car.

Q: How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most Blacks?
A: He promised to create jobs for them if elected.

Q: Why did Jesse really withdraw from the Presidential race?
A: Because it came out that his mother once posed nude for National Geographic.

A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house."
"Not in the House," her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but not in the House."

Minister, after listening to an impromptu campaign speech: "Before I vote for you for sheriff, I'd like to know if you partake of intoxicating beverages?"
Candidate for sheriff: "Before I answer, tell me if this is an inquiry or an invitation."

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Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication.

I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation.

This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.

Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson
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Jesse Jackson Thinks He May be Turning White

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he noticed a white band from just above his eyes to the top of his head.

Fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.

Jesse did and replied that it tasted like shit.

The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."

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Apology Letter to China

Dear China,

We're sorry that you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We're sorry that you're front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35 year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to consider purchasing some surplus 1950's era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan. (Who just replaced all theirs with shiny new F-16s.)

We're sorry that you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please take note of the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

We're sorry that you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know that it may seem easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in the Republic of China (Taiwan).

We're especially sorry for treating you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a common untrustworthy street gang very soon.

We're very sorry for ever granting you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity.

The United States of America

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Jesse Jackson Shopping at Sears

Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He looked around then shouted, "I want to see the manager right now!"

The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?"

Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?"

The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said: "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washing are white, but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the "AGITATORS" are BLACK!"

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Michigan Senator Kicked Out of Senate

The Michigan Senate expelled one of its own Thursday. It was the first time the legislative body has ousted a sitting senator in state history. David Jaye was kicked out of the state Senate following allegations which included drunken driving, putting topless pictures of his fiancée on his Senate computer, beating his fiancée and swearing at his staff. Jaye labeled the inquiry a "railroad job." The rest of the Senate described him as a liar and a bully.
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You Have Two Cows...

  • RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
  • DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
  • SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
  • PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
  • REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk.
  • AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
  • BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
  • BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
  • CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then....
  • HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.
  • ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
  • FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
  • TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
  • POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism, intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender.
  • COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!
  • SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
  • LIBERTY: Whatever.

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Calvin Coolidge - A Man of Few Words

President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U. S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?"

"Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply.

"What was it about?" Grace asked.  


"And what did the minister say?"

"He's against it."
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Republicans' Dreams More Frightening

CALIFORNIA - A prominent dream researcher displayed her findings of a recent study this week at the 18th Annual International Conference of the Association for the Study of Dreams in Santa Cruz. Kelly Bulkeley of the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley, California, concludes that Republicans have scarier and more frequent nightmares than Democrats. In fact, "Half of the dreams of Republicans in my study were classified as nightmares, compared to only about 18 percent of the dreams of Democrats," Bulkeley reports. Both parties are blaming the head honcho. "What do you expect after eight years of William Jefferson Clinton?" Kevin Sheridan, Republican National Committee deputy press secretary, told UPI. "If George W. Bush were the leader of my party, I'd have trouble sleeping at night, too," quipped Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe.
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Interesting Presidential Trivia

Abraham Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope. In fact, he worked on that address for two weeks.

It was Cicero, not President John F. Kennedy, who first said words to the effect of, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

Some scholars believe Andrew Jackson was born at sea in 1755, not 1767, and thus was not eligible to be president of the U.S. However, at least two states, North Carolina and South Carolina, claim his birth place, about a mile apart.

In 1824, Andrew Jackson received more popular votes than John Adams, yet lost the election. The vote was so close that neither candidate received a majority of the electoral votes. The decision then went to the House of Representatives, which elected Adams.

Zachary Taylor, twelfth president of the U.S., did not vote until he was sixty-two. He did not even vote in his own election.

President Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested during his term of office. He was convicted of exceeding the Washington speed limit on his horse and was fined $20.

Ronald Reagan, the 40th U.S. president, saved 77 people from drowning as a lifeguard in his youth at a riverside beach near Dixon, Illinois.

20th president of the United States James Garfield could write Greek with one hand while writing Latin with the other.

Abe Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, carried letters, bills, and notes in his notorious black, top-hat.

First U.S. president George Washington rejected a movement among army officers to make him king of the United States.

William Taft, 27th president of the United States, weighed more than 300 pounds and had a special oversized bathtub installed in the White House.

The 38th president of the United States, Gerald Ford turned down offers to play professional football for the Green Bay Packers and the Detroit Lions.

Richard Nixon was the first president to visit all 50 states.

Andrew Jackson, 7th U.S. president, dueled with Charles Dickinson after he insulted Jackson's marriage. Jackson let his opponent fire first, giving himself time to take aim. Jackson took a bullet in the chest and, without flinching, calmly killed his man.

James Buchanan, 15th U.S. president and the first unmarried man to be elected president, reportedly took great pride in his tiny feet, although he was a large robust man.

The 18th U.S. president, Ulysses S. Grant was born Hiram Ulysses Grant, but he changed his name because he did not like his monogram, HUG.

The 28th president of the United States, Woodrow Wilson allowed sheep to graze on the White House lawn during World War I; their wool helped raise money for the Red Cross.

An avid golfer, 42nd U.S. president Bill Clinton was infamous for taking a high number of "mulligans," or "do-overs" while playing. The only Rhodes-scholar president also developed a reputation for creative math skills in tallying his score; according to one report, Clinton once took some 200 swings to record a score of 82.

The 43rd U.S. president, George W. Bush was head cheerleader at Phillips Academy, a prep school in Andover, Massachusetts, where his father had been a legendary student leader and athlete. Nicknamed "Lip," George W. also organized an intramural stickball league at the school.

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Presidential IQs Compared 
This is, of course, a complete fabrication.

"Since 1973, the Lovenstein Institute has published it's research on each new president, which includes the famous "IQ" report among others. According to statements in the report, there have been twelve presidents over the past 50 years, from F. D. Roosevelt to G. W. Bush who were all rated based on scholarly achievements, writings that they alone produced without aid of staff, their ability to speak with clarity, and several other psychological factors which were then scored in the Swanson/Crain system of intelligence ranking. "

The study determined the following IQs of each president as accurate to within five percentage points:

147 Franklin D. Roosevelt (D)
132 Harry Truman (D)
122 Dwight D. Eisenhower (R)
174 John F. Kennedy (D)
126 Lyndon B. Johnson (D)
155 Richard M. Nixon (R)
121 Gerald Ford (R)
175 James E. Carter (D)
105 Ronald Reagan (R)
 98 George HW Bush (R)
182 William J. Clinton (D)
 91 George W. Bush (R)

The six Republican presidents of the past 50 years had an average IQ of 115.5,  with President Nixon having the highest IQ, at 155. President G. W. Bush was rated the lowest of all the Republicans with an IQ of 91.

The six Democrat presidents had IQs with an average of 156, with President Clinton having the highest IQ, at 182. President Lyndon B. Johnson was rated the lowest of all the Democrats with an IQ of 126.

No president other than Carter (D) has released his actual IQ, 176. Among comments made concerning the specific testing of President G W Bush, his low ratings were due to his apparent difficulty to command the English language in public statements, his limited use of vocabulary (6,500 words for Bush versus an average of 11,000 words for other presidents), his lack of scholarly achievements other than a basic MBA, and an absence of any body of work which could be studied on an intellectual basis.

"All the Presidents prior to George W. Bush had a least one book under their belt, and most had written several white papers during their education or early careers. Not so with President Bush," Dr. Lovenstein said.
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Proof That You Can Get Sex From Aides

It has been known for years that one can get AIDS from sex. However, nearly simultaneous studies authorized by former President Bill Clinton and the Reverend Jesse Jackson have confirmed that you can get sex from aides.

This has been substantiated recently by Representative Gary Condit from California.
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He's Not Voting for Harkins

Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector.

One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river.

"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.

"No, I don't think so," the other replied.

"Why not?" the first farmer asked.

"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.

"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that.

"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.

"Well sir, that scared my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road.

"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.

"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"
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Jesse Jackson Prose

I am here to address the allegation
That I have had extramarital fornication.
I cannot tell a prevarication
So I will engage in a brief oration:

There was a colleague in my organization
Who piqued my sense of exploration
While I was in DC on an invitation
To help President Clinton explain his aberration.

My time helping the administration
Was fraught with much personal frustration
>From which I sought alleviation
In my colleague's vagination.

I am a passionate man with smooth conversation
And thus I began my penetration
And felt a sense of jubilation
And rejoiced in my alleviation.

There was a stoppage of her menstruation
And thus there had been no ovulation
So she got one of those tests and did her urination
But found out she'd soon be dealing with lactation.

I entered a period of evaluation
During which I assessed the situation
And decided it was best for the child still in gestation
That I must have an ongoing participation.

I busted out my checkbook to get my absolution
To help to fund the mother's relocation.
It would greatly help my consternation
If you would send me a large donation.

Thank you, and may God bless.
Reverend Jesse Louis Jackson,
Bull-jiving Store-Front Preacher Extraordinaire


This is no time for evasions, denials or alibis,
The rainbow ended between her thighs,
I fully accept responsibility and will pay restitution,
For using donor money to finance prostitution,

I am truly sorry for the way I acted,
But more so, for not using a prophylactic.
Please allow me to express heart felt contrition
For my unwanted commission of an elicit emission,
As I employed the missionary position.

Please forgive my misdirection,
For I was thinking with my erection
And did not use any protection,
And in retrospection,
Gave that girl a nine month infection
With my hot beef injection.

Finally, I ask you to believe
When I hit that bobby, I did not perceive
The crap would hit the fan and that "ho" would conceive.
Had I know that she was in a state of ovulation,
I would not have participated in copulation,
But rather would have settled for oral stimulation.

Now please accept my apology,
Sincerely, Reverend Jesse Louis Jackson
Rhyming Rap-Master Reverend
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Bush and Hussein Compare Dreams

Saddam Hussein had a dream and called George Bush to tell him about it. "I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner," said Hussein. "And what did this banner say?" asked Mr. Bush. "Long live Saddam Hussein!" answered the Iraqi President. "

I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Saddam. "I don't know," answered President Bush, " I can't read Hebrew."
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Transsexual Elected to New Zealand Parliament

Sex scandals can cripple an American politician's career, but in New Zealand the voters are far more forgiving. Last Saturday a tall, male-to-female transsexual and former prostitute was elected to Parliament. Georgina Beyer, born George Bertrand in 1957, realized early in childhood that he had a girl's soul trapped in a masculine body. At the age of 17 he attended a drag show and afterwards burned all his apparel and took a female name. Hormone tablets made Beyer's bosom blossom as he/she embarked on a transvestite hooker/ stripper career. In 1984 she finally "made the cut" with a sex-change operation.
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Jesse Jackson Threatens Self-Immolation

Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."

He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M. Daley, what's the problem; what's holding everything up."

The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jackson.  He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair and his illegitimate child, that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan Expressway and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity and doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment.  The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the Reverend Jackson so far?"

"About 300 gallons," said the trooper, "but they are still siphoning"
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Oliver North Being Questioned in 1987

At a lecture the other day they played an old video of Lt. Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration.

There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree.  But what he said was stunning!!

He was being drilled by some senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"  Ollie replied," Yes I did sir."

The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't this just a little excessive?"  No sir,' continued Ollie. 

"No? And why not?" the senator asked. "Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir." 

“Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned. 

'By a terrorist, sir.' Ollie answered. 

'Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"

"His name is Osama bin Laden sir." Ollie replied. 

At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. "Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked. 

"Because sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of, "Ollie answered.

"And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator.

"Well sir, if it were up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."

The senator disagreed with this approach and that was all that was shown of the clip. 

For your information, the Senator turned out to be none other than...

Al Gore.   
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When Kennedy Drinks, Everybody Drinks

Joseph Kennedy (JFK's father) once entered the fashionable Gentlemen's Shamrock Grille on Wall Street and joined a group of financiers. He beckoned to a waiter and ordered a double scotch.

"When Kennedy drinks," he declared loudly, "everybody drinks!"

With a cheer, everyone at the table ordered scotch. Kennedy finished his drink, summoned the waiter, and slapped two dollars on the table. "When Kennedy pays," he asserted, "everyone pays!"
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Al Gore on The Internet

In 1999, Vice President Al Gore ended an 11-day silence about his much-ridiculed claim that he invented the Internet. Gore said, "I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder..."
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Political Witticisms from Will Rogers

"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."

"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."

"The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say 'How is the president?'"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."

"Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches."

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets. All that don't get wet you can keep."

[Will Rogers was a popular American humorist of stage and films in the early 1900s. His homespun philosophy appealed to a very wide audience, so much so that he was even offered nomination for Governor of Oklahoma. He declined the same.]
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Man Brings Guns to Rainbow/PUSH Forum

CHICAGO -- A West Side man accused of bringing two unloaded guns to a Rainbow/PUSH Coalition community forum where Rev. Jesse Jackson was speaking was held Sunday in lieu of $25,000 bail.

Willie Wallace, 25, from the west side of Chicago, was charged with two counts of aggravated unlawful use of a weapon for bringing two .22-caliber semiautomatic weapons Saturday to the Rainbow/PUSH headquarters, a spokesman for the Cook County state's attorney said.

Prosecutors offered no details about the incident at a brief bail hearing Sunday for Wallace.  Wallace's wife, Lakesha Wallace, and other relatives said later that Wallace brought the guns to the meeting to make a point.

"He was just trying to show them how easy it was to get to a place, where an important person is speaking, with guns," Lakesha Wallace said.  Police would not comment about the suspect's motive.

Jackson called for an investigation, saying in a prepared statement: "We are deeply concerned about the young man and his family. ... We want a thorough investigation as to Willie's affiliations and or motivation that brought him to Rainbow/PUSH."
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Jesse Jackson adds Mel Reynolds to Payroll

Jessie Jackson added former Chicago Democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree.

Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics.

An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate, then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate."

- Columnist Deroy Murdock  
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Uncategorized Political Quotes

"The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit."
 - Vice President John Nance Garner (1868-1967)

"In the United States Senate, one of the things I observed in the early days - and it's still used - and that is that you take someone's argument and then you misrepresent it and misstate and disagree with it. And it's very effective. I've done it myself a number of times. But eventually, eventually people catch on."
-Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, speaking this week at the National Press Club in Washington

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, that one word is 'to be prepared'.
 - Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - Vice President Al Gore

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." -Plato

"Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." -Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992)

"What the hell would I want to go to a place like Mombasa? I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me..."
-- Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman, referencing a trip to Mombasa, Kenya for a meeting of the Association of National Olympic Committees of Africa, where he was due to push for the Toronto bid to host the 2008 Olympic Games.

Shortly before he was married, someone asked Abraham Lincoln about his fiancée's family name.
"The Todds are very important people," Lincoln replied. "They require two d's at the end of their name.  The Almighty is content with one."

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
- Richard M. Nixon

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-Everett Dirksen

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them unsafe"
-Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"The internet is a great way to get on the net"
-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"He was a man of great statue"
-Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck"
-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder"
-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all"
-Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-Abraham Lincoln

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
-Gov. George W. Bush.

We need laws that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays, regardless of sexual perversion...ah, persuasion.
-Bella Abzug, New York politician (address a rally for the Equal Rights Amendment

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. -Bella Abzug, US Politician

Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.
- Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992)

"We are powerless in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it obstructs with interstate commerce." 
-J. Edgar Hoover

When Charles de Gaulle retired from public life, the British Embassy in Paris organized a banquet in his honor. Before the meal, the ambassador saluting Mrs. de Gaulle, asked her what her wish was for her retirement.

"A penis," was her answer.

As everyone seemed a little embarrassed, Charles said to her: "Yvonne, my dear, I zink it eez pronounced : 'appiness'."

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
 -- Humbert H. Humphrey, 1911-1978

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
 --[Former] Vice President Al Gore

John Randolph, a vitriolic legislator from Virginia in the early decades of the American nation, was well known to be impotent. Few were the men, however, who dared cross him, and the House held its breath when a member, in the heat of debate, made some slanting reference to Randolph's lack of sexual prowess.

Randolph rose to his feet and said coldly, "Sir, you pride yourself on an ability in which any ignorant barbarian is your equal and any jackass immeasurably your superior."

"Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
 - Pat Robertson at the 1992 GOP Presidential Convention

"Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word." -Charles de Gaulle

"The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with conviction based of experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time."  -Franklin Adams, 1881-1960, NODS AND BECKS, on gullibility.

The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. -Josef Stalin.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. -Ronald Reagan

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln

"The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses." --Bill Maher

"He's going around the country stirring up apathy." --William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson, British Parliament

"Murder, robbery, rape, adultery and incest will be openly taught and practiced, the air will be rent with cries of distress, the soil soaked with blood, and the nation black with crimes. Where is the heart that can contemplate such a scene without shivering with horror?" --New England Courant newspaper (1801), on the election of Thomas Jefferson

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."
--Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Plato was a bore."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
--Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

"I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."
--Former First Lady Nancy Reagan who was responsible for the "just say no" to drugs campaign.

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked then President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

"I used to be the next president of the United States."
--Al Gore when recently giving a speech.

At a government function in the nineteen-twenties, a young lady approached President Coolidge and said with much enthusiasm, "Oh, Mr. President, I have made a wager with a friend of mine that if I met you I could persuade you to say more than two words to me. Could you please?"

And Coolidge, without expression replied, "You lose."

"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner." --James Bovard (1994)

"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." --Winston Churchill

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money."
--G. Gordon Liddy

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordian."
Donald Rumsfeld

"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'Elevator;' we say 'Lift.' They say 'President;' we say 'Stupid Psychopathic Git.'"
--Alexai Sayle

"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and evil."
--Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event.

"He gets so much in speaking fees these days that when I saw him in New York the other night and said hello to him he said, 'That'll be $10.'"
--Former Presidential candidate Bob Dole is amused at how much former President Bill Clinton earns on the lucrative public speaking circuit.

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." --Ronald Reagan

"I used to be the next president of the United States."
---Al Gore when recently giving a speech.

"Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before." --D. Eisenhower

"The depression is over." --President Herbert Hoover in June, 1930, a decade before the U.S. would recover.

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government, and I'm here to help." --Ronald Reagan

"Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so." --Gore Vidal

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A Republican on Her Porch

A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away! There's a damned republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed!

"I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Ma'am, how do you know he's a republican?"

"Because, you damned fool, if he were a democrat, he'd be screwing somebody."
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Tipper Shaves Off All Her Pubic Hair

At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."

"Just what is that message, Mrs. Gore?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.

To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."
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"Gay Hairdresser" Ad Kills Campaign

A US politician claims that his career has been destroyed by a television advertisement. In the commercial, Republican Mike Taylor from Montana is seen with his top two or three shirt buttons undone, exposing his bare chest and several gold chains. He proceeds to apply lotion to the face of a man sitting in a barber chair in front of him wearing a tight-fitting, three-piece suit, with a big-collared open shirt. Mr. Taylor described the commercial as "character assassination", as he believes the spot insinuated he was a gay hairdresser. Taylor says the video has killed his chances to be elected into office.
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A Boy With Republican Puppies

George Bush was out jogging one morning when he came across a little boy sitting on the White House lawn with a box full of newborn puppies.

He was mesmerized by the cute little puppies and when the little boy said, "You should take one, they're Republican puppies,"

George replied, "Well, that's just great, maybe I will."

The next day, he takes Dick Cheney jogging with him. "Dick, you gotta come with me, there's something I have to show you."

As they approach the boy with the box, the boy says, "Would either of you like a puppy? They're Democrat puppies."

A puzzled George asks, "But didn't you tell me just yesterday that they were Republican puppies?"

The boy replied, "Yes, but that was before their eyes opened."
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Understanding Welfare

One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.

He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".

After a moment of silence, she replied, "I guess I'll never vote for a Democrat again".
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Presidential Mischief

Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack??
-John F. Kennedy

Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant??
-Bill Clinton

Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office??
-Lyndon B. Johnson

Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister??
-Thomas Jefferson

Which president called his mistress "Pookie"??
-Bill Clinton

Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his reelection campaign??
-Andrew Jackson

Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else??
-George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson

Which president had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary??
-Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy

Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them??
-Warren G. Harding

Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet??
-John F. Kennedy

Which Vice-President was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's??
-Lyndon B. Johnson

Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo??
-Lyndon B. Johnson
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Rumsfield and Saddam
By Denis Mueller

In 1988, the war between Iraq and Iran had reached gruesome proportions. Chemical warfare between the two counties shocked the world. It was at this time the infamous gassing incident regarding the Kurds happened. But in 1983, President Ronald Reagan turned to a former secretary of defense to carry a hand-written letter to Saddam Hussein saying the United States wanted to restore normal diplomatic relations with Iraq. The man who carried the message was none other than Donald Rumsfield.

Rumsfield was the highest ranking official to visit Baghdad in nearly six years. The meeting was cordial with Saddam telling Rumsfield Iraq was not interested in causing trouble in the region and Rumsfield commenting that the U.S. was interested in a relationship with Iraq. The United States quickly informed Iraq's neighbors that its defeat would not be in the United States' interest.

During this period, Iraq was desperately purchasing military hardware from American firms. This went on with the total blessing of the Reagan administration. Saddam was a busy shopper. He bought 60 Hughes helicopters worth over $200 million. While all this was going on, the UN issued a report about the allegations of Iraq's use of chemical weapons. Rumsfield said nothing and the New York Times reported that "American diplomats pronounce themselves satisfied with relations between Iraq and the United States and suggest that normal diplomatic ties have been resorted in all but name."

In May of 1984 Rumsfield resigned and, later that year, full diplomatic relations were restored between the two countries. A couple of years later, Rumsfield was testing the waters, regarding a possible run for the presidency in 1988, and was pushing his achievements in helping to re-open ties with Iraq. All of this was occurring at a time when Saddam was gassing the Kurds..

What makes this important now is that, in 1984, Rumsfield was in a position to condemn Saddam but said nothing. Furthermore, despite the gassing of the Kurds and the use of chemical weapons, Rumsfield viewed his work as one of his accomplishments. He could have asked questions but he didn't. Which brings us to today and our question of the day: Why didn't Rumsfield say anything?

At the time, Iran was viewed as a threat. So, anyone fighting Iran was considered our friend. We knew about Saddam and what he was doing quite well. He had murdered leftists and followers of Nasser, but that was alright with us. So Saddam was a thug all along, the only difference being that he was, at one time, our thug. His great crime was to become an independent thug. The idea that this war is being done for democracy is not at all connected with the past history of the area. It is hard to believe.

Sources. Washington Post
New York Times
Newly de-classified documents
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The Election of 2000
By Denis Mueller

In the months leading to the election of 2000, Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris and Governor Jeb Bush ordered the removal of tens of thousands of voters on the grounds that they were felons and, therefore, not entitled to vote.

At first it was about 57,000 voters, but the company that did it for them, called ChoicePoint, now says it was 94,000 voters. ChoicePoint was sued by the NAACP and now has turned over the information and it turned out that 94,000 people were knocked off the rolls. When you consider how close this election was then you can see that this was a very high number.

This would be legal if these people were guilty of crimes. It turns out that, at minimum, 97 percent of the people on the list are innocent. The list was aimed at Democrats and, as it turns out, about half the list are African American and other minorities. In fact one out of every eight black voters was denied the vote. This is a disgusting figure considering America's racial past, and especially its past regarding voting.

Supposedly, these were convicted felons forbidden to vote in Florida, but 90 percent of them turned out to be innocent of any crime--except perhaps Voting While Black. Over half the innocent voters on the list were black, and had they been allowed to exercise their voting rights, Gore would have whipped Bush in Florida. ChoicePoint is a database company with prominent Republicans on its board and payroll.

DBT, a company now owned by ChoicePoint of Atlanta, was paid $4.3 million for its work, replacing a firm that charged $5,700 per year for the same service. If the hope was that DBT would enable Florida to exclude more voters, then the state appears to have spent its money wisely. But is this just?

So this is how the Bush people stole the election. They did it the old fashioned way by denying people of color the vote. If this is true, you may ask, why the press and the Democratic Party miss. It is an example of how racism in elections is still a very strong part of our culture. When this was brought to the attention of the Senate by the Black Caucus no one in the Democratic Party stood up and so the story died.

The Supreme Court, and its chief justice who had once harassed minority voters and argued in favor of Plessy vs. Ferguson, helped seal the dirty deed. All of this you may say is old news but it serves as an example of why the Bush people see themselves as above any kind of ethics.

I want to ask you Bush supporters if this is the kind of democracy you believe in. Is this democracy? How can we talk about free elections when we can't even have fair elections in the United States? To make matters worse, laws passed after 9-11 by the state of Florida make it impossible to study this until the state changes its laws. So there you have it. This is how they stole the election.

Sources: Greg Palast
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A Politician in Church

Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he began in this way:

"My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian." (absolute silence);

"But my Grandmother was an Episcopalian." (more silence);

"I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Christian Scientist." (deep silence);

"While my other Grandmother was Methodist." (even more silence).

"But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist through and through." (loud cheers!)"

"And I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"
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Jane Fonda in Billings, Montana

Star 100.7 Radio Station was doing one of their "is anyone listening who" bits this morning. The first one was, "Ever have a celebrity pull the 'Do you know who I am' routine?"

A lady called in and said that when she was visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Billings, MT, a few years ago, they went to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes. Lots of other rancher types and their spouses were already waiting.

In comes Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. They want a table. The hostess says they' ll have to wait about 45 minutes. Jane Fonda asks if she knows who she is? Yes, but you'll still have to wait 45 minutes." Then Jane says, "Is the manager in?"

The manager comes out, "May I help you?" "Do you know who I am?", ask both Jane and Ted. "Yes, but these folks have all been waiting already and I can't put you in ahead of them."

Then Ted asks to speak to the owner. The owner comes out. Jane again asks, Do you know who I am?"

The owner says "Yes, I do.... Do you know who I am? I am the owner of this restaurant and a Vietnam Veteran. Not only will you not get a table ahead of all of my friends and neighbors here, but you also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any other night.
Good bye."
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Robin Williams Has a Plan
(Attributed to Robin Williams... but not verified)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll even give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are.
France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it in your nation, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy, reducing auto fuel consumption, and mat well require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else and they can drink and/or eat their oil.

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will no longer "interfere." Those suffering can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, fertilizer, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need aid most get very little, anyway.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to a far away island some place. We don't need the spies, unpaid parking tickets and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

9b) Use the UN buildings as a replacement for the twin towers.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11) The next time France gets invaded, we sit back and watch whether the invader is Germany, Austria, Spain, Italy, the Benelux nations or Liechtenstein.

Now, ain't that a winner of a plan!

PS: "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses yearning to live free.' Instead, she's got a baseball bat and she's screaming, 'You want a piece of me?'"

- Robin Williams
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A Tourist in Washington, D.C.

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway..."
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Odd Government Proposals

Arkansas assemblyman Jim Lendall wished to use $3,000 of state money to play lotteries in other states to erase the budget shortfall.

Maryland's house created a bill to make walking the official exercise of the state.

The city council of Bend, Oregon proposed banning smelly people from city buses.

The mayor of Mount Sterling, Iowa, wanted to ban lying.

The Pennsylvania house and senate fiercely debated whether sugar or chocolate chip should be the official state cookie.
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Democrats, Republicans, Southern Republicans

Question? How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?
Answer. Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click...(sounds of reloading).
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?
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G.W. and Kerry's Wives

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Running Eagle

During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced. Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.
After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a bird so full of shit it can't fly!
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This Must be Bush Country

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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2004 Democratic National Convention Program


6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:30pm - Anti-war rally no. 1.

6:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00pm - Tribute theme to France.

7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:20pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:25pm - Tribute theme to Spain.

7:45pm - Anti-war rally no. 2. (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:00pm - John Kerry presents one side of the issues

8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony.

9:30pm - * Intermission *

10:00pm - Flag burning ceremony no. 2.

10:15pm - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:30pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00pm - Double gay marriage ceremony.

11:15pm - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:20pm - John Kerry presents the other side of the issues.

11:30pm - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.

11:59pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:00am - Nomination of Democrat candidate.
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John Hinckley is Released

You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parent's home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster.

This is such a nice letter from our current President.


Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital has reported that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.

I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?

George W. Bush
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2004 Election Miscellany

"While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget - all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy."
-Jon Stewart

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech."
-Craig Kilborn

"Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?"
—David Letterman

"The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about a back condition to keep himself out of the draft in Vietnam and then spent 10 months skiing. Well it sounds like he's done the impossible. He actually made Bill Clinton and George Bush look like war heroes."
—Jay Leno

"The Washington Post says that of the seven Democratic presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the most presidential hairstyle. Not only that but the Post said that Al Sharpton had the best hairstyle of a first lady."
—Conan O'Brien

"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."
—Tina Fey

"Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding."
—Jon Stewart, on President Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage

"Governor Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage, and then he went back to slathering body oil all over his muscles in front of other guys."
—Craig Kilborn

"President Bush says he's troubled by all the gay weddings that have been going on in San Francisco. Bush also says he's troubled by Bert and Ernie's relationship on 'Sesame Street.'"
—Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man."
—Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nick-name for Kerry is math."
—Conan O'Brien

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start fucking everything that moves."
—Bill Maher

Sometimes you feel like a nut (Democrat primary), sometimes you don't (general election). So which Democrat candidate will be nutty enough to win the primary, gaining that hearts of the Democrat base of drooling idiots? And will he make himself too nutty to be viable in the general election?

To find these answers, let's see what Iowa caucus winner John Kerry had to say a few months back...

Frank: Being a haughty, French-looking man from Massachusetts, what do you think makes you qualified to be president?

Kerry: Well, having served in Vietnam...

Frank: Everyone knows you served in Vietnam. You don't have to keep mentioning it.
Kerry: Sorry, but having served in Vietnam...

Frank: See, there you go again. Anyway, you said the president lied to you about the war, but you voted with him, which seems to mean you fell for it. Since so many people think President Bush is dumb, how dumb does that make you? Does that affect either your haughtiness or your French-lookingness?
Kerry: Well, serving in Vietnam...

Frank: Is this like a form of Tourette's syndrome?
Kerry: Vietnam! Me served in!

Frank: So, what is your military experience, if any?
Kerry: Uh... well... Bush's tax cuts were for the rich.

Frank: Nice talking to you.

Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean

10. You've actually heard of him.

9. Whenever he discusses plans to revitalize economy, you get goose bumps.

8. Named your cats "Howard," "Dean" and "Six-Term Governor Howard Dean."

7. You'll only watch movies featuring Ron Howard or Harry Dean Stanton.

6. When you hear a report on the radio about a highway accident, you murmur, "Please, god, don't let Howard Dean be involved."

5. Constantly complain rival candidate Dennis Kucinich isn't "Howardly" enough.

4. Changed outfit four times before watching appearance on "Meet the Press."

3. You stand by him despite the fact his infidelities embarrassed you in front of the entire...oh wait, wrong Democrat.

2. When he announced his candidacy, you didn't laugh your ass off.

1. You're actually considering wasting a vote on him.

Top Ten Reasons, I, Joe Lieberman, Would Make A Great President

10. "Not only will my vice president be in an undisclosed location, I won't even reveal who he is."

9. "I know Microsoft Excel and can type 65 words a minute."

8. "I've gotten a lot of good advice from Martin Sheen."

7. "Instead of taking Air Force One, I can use all of my accumulated frequent flier miles."

6. "Saddam's a president and I'm way less nuts than he is."

5. "I will change the Constitution to guarantee every American a free DVD player."

4. "I am very comfortable in oval-shaped rooms."

3. "It just so happens Spider-Man is a close, personal friend of mine."

2. "I won't take any crap from France."

1. "Look at me. Do you honestly think there'll be a sex scandal?"

Massachusetts Senator and Presidential hopeful John Kerry today announced that further research into his roots has revealed that he, in addition to being Irish, Jewish, and Southern white trash, is also Hispanic. According to a statement issued by Kerry:

"Si, si, this happy new discovery comes as no great surprise to me. I love Taco Bell, and my family often teases me about my favorite cartoon character, Speedy Gonzales... that "reba reba, underlay underlay" thing he yells cracks me up every time. And I have always felt most comfortable wearing large hats and ponchos, although my position as Senator very rarely gives me a chance to do so. In closing, I would like to say "iy iy iy".

When asked for particulars as to the national origin of his new-found Hispanic ancestors, Kerry replied that he wasn't too sure, but that they were the sort of people "beloved not only of Mexicans, but also Cubans, Puerto Ricans, and any other little brown people who vote."

Japanese version of suicide: Hari Kari.
American version of suicide: Elect John Kerry.

John Kerry's favorite joke, told recently at a fundraiser dinner:

..Five thousand years ago, Moses said, "Hitch up your camel. Pick up your shovel. Mount your ass. I will lead you to the promised land."

Five thousand years later, Franklin Roosevelt said, "Light up a Camel. Lay down your shovel. Sit on your ass. This is the promised land."

Today, George Bush will lay off your camel, tax your shovel, kick your ass and tell you there is no promised land.




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