Quotes -- Yes they really said that...

The Book of Truly Stupid Sports Quotes The Book of Poisonous Quotes Barbed Quotes: Mudslinging, Backstabbing and Celebrity Dirt-dishing

Dan Quayle Quotes (on it's own page)

Famous Texan Quotes 6/14/03

Marion Barry Quotes

Dear Abby Letters 6/15/2002

The World According to Andy Rooney 

George W Bush Quotes (on it's own page) 

Top Quotes of the Year 2000

Hollywood Squares Quotes

Bob Hope Quotes


Actual Sports Quotes 10/7/2003

Samuel Goldwyn Quotes 7/11/2001

Celebrity Quotes 7/20/2003

General Purpose Quotes 11/14/2004

Mark Twain Quotes 10/18/2003 

Uncategorized Political Quotes on our Politics Page

Quotes from The Devil's Dictionary 8/3/02

Will Rogers Quotes



General Purpose Quotes

bullet "I don't like men who live, by choice, out of their own country. I don't like interior decorators. I don't like Germans. I don't like buggers and I don't like Christian Scientists." -- Duff Cooper
bullet "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." --Oscar Wilde
bullet "Take your love and shove it up your big, fat ass." --Vincent Laguardia Gambini
bullet "It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake." --H.L. Mencken, 1880-1956
bullet "'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last - memory yields." -Friedrich Nietzsche
bullet "I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English." - Calvin Trillin
bullet "Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams." --Mary Ellen Kelly
bullet If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -George Bernard Shaw
bullet "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall."  - SELF-RELIANCE, Ralph Waldo Emerson
bullet "If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home." --James Michener
bullet I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. -Margaret Thatcher
bullet The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. -Josef Stalin.
bullet "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" -Isaac Asimov
bullet "As easy as 3.1415926..." -Unknown
bullet "If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."  - Albert Einstein
bullet "The average person thinks he isn't." -Father Larry Lorenzoni                          
bullet "I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt? ... The one who wins gets a purse. And they do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love." -John McGovern
bullet "think of what you would do if you knew you wouldn't fail."
bullet Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-Werner von Braun
bullet I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them.
-W. Somerset Maugham
bullet Tolerance is only another name for indifference.
-W. Somerset Maugham
bullet Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon. -Jilly Cooper, How to Survive from Nine to Five
bullet There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true.
-Ian Hart
bullet Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-Hubert Humphrey
bullet I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
-Bertrand Russell
bullet The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
- Jean Giraudoux
bullet God is the only being who, in order to rule, does not need to even exist.
- Voltaire
bullet But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-Carl Sagan (1934-1996)
bullet Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
- Jean-Paul Sartre
bullet By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
bullet If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
-Will Rogers
bullet Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
- Jeff Valdez
bullet They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist --
- John Sedgwick - Last words to troops during a Civil War battle
bullet A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
bullet Success comes in cans, failure in cant's.
bullet Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-Karl Marx
bullet Murder, robbery, rape, adultery and incest will be openly taught and practiced, the air will be rent with cries of distress, the soil soaked with blood, and the nation black with crimes. Where is the heart that can contemplate such a scene without shivering with horror?
- New England Courant newspaper, 1801, on the election of Thomas Jefferson.
bullet Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
bullet Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey
bullet Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
-Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
bullet Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.
Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1,1976.
- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
bullet Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
bullet I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
bullet After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
bullet "Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
bullet "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
bullet "It is bad luck to be superstitious"
-Andrew Mathis
bullet "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
bullet "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-General William Westmoreland
bullet "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle
bullet "All men are born with a sufficiently violent liking for domination, wealth and pleasure, and with much taste for idleness; consequently all men want the money and the wives and daughters of others, to be their master, to subject them to all their caprices, and to do nothing, or at least to do only very agreeable things."  
-Voltaire, 1694-1778
bullet "I hate flowers. I only paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move."
-Georgia O'Keefe
bullet "Whenever I hear the word culture...I release the safety on my Browning."
- Hanns Johst, 1890-1978, on buzzwords.
bullet "There are three faithful friends-an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."
-Benjamin Franklin
bullet "The reason why fools and knaves thrive better in the world than wiser and honester men is because they are nearer to the general temper of mankind, which is nothing but a mixture of cheat and folly."  
-Samuel Butler, 1612-1680
bullet "I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
--Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)
bullet "Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch." --Dave James
bullet "I look on the opposite sex with something like the admiration with which I regard the starry sky on a frosty December night. I admire the beauty of the Creator's workmanship, I am charmed with the wild but graceful eccentricity of the motions, and then I wish both of them goodnight."
--Robert Burns, 1759-1796
bullet "I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
-- E E Cummings (1894-1962)
bullet "That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into a river out of pure disgust."
-- Gustave Flaubert
bullet "[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging."
-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
bullet The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
--Herb Caen
bullet "There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the U.S., and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana can cause white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers and any others... The primary reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the degenerate races."
--Excerpt from the testimony of Harry J. Anslinger, director at the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, before the U.S. Senate in 1937.
bullet "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." -Robert Frost
bullet "I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." --Thomas Jefferson
bullet "The Americans... probably make love worse than any other race." -Walt Whitman, 1819-1892
bullet "We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"
--Jean Cocteau, (1889-1963) The French poet, writer, artist, and filmmaker.
bullet "The police aren't here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve disorder."
--The late Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley
bullet "I feel very old sometimes I carry on and would not like to die before having emptied a few more buckets of shit on the heads of my fellow men."
--Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880), author of MADAME BOVARY
bullet "Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character."
--Oscar Levant, American composer, pianist and author
bullet "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
bullet "He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."
bullet "Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance."
--Plato (427?-347? B.C.)
bullet "Plato was a bore."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
bullet "Woman was God's second mistake."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
bullet "Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
--Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
bullet "I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy."
--Ernest Hemingway (1889-1961)
bullet "Hemingway was a jerk."
--Harold Robbins
bullet If you are going through hell, keep going.
-- Winston Churchill
bullet "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
--Martin Luther King, Jr.
bullet "Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle."
--Abraham Lincoln
bullet "When I have one foot in the grave, I will tell the whole truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me and say, 'Do what you like now'."
--Leo Tolstoy
bullet I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.
--Clarence Darrow
bullet "A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice."
--Bill Cosby
bullet "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."
--Robert Fitzgerald Kennedy
bullet "A misogynist is a man who hates women as much as women hate each other."
-- HL Mencken
bullet "I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased when I read the description in the catalogue: 'no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'"
--Eleanor Roosevelt
bullet "Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
--Alex Levine
bullet "Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened."
--Cora Harvey Armstrong
bullet You can always spot a well-informed man -- his views are the same as yours.
--Ilka Chase, US actress from the 30s
bullet I never would have agreed to the formulation of the CIA back in '47, if I had known it would become the American Gestapo.
---Harry S Truman (1961)
bullet "This isn't right, this isn't even wrong."
--Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper
bullet "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it"
--Moses Hadas, American author
bullet "I feel very old sometimes...I carry on and would not like to die before having emptied a few more buckets of shit on the heads of my fellow men."
--Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880), author of MADAME BOVARY
bullet "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you're right."
--Henry Ford
bullet "A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled."
--Barnett Cocks
bullet "Anything more low, obscene, feculent, the manifold heaving's of history have not cast up. We shall come to the worship of onions, cats and things vermiculite."
--Rufus Choate

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Famous Texan Quotes

bullet "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
bullet "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs
bullet "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
- A. C. Greene
bullet "No thanks, once was enough."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again
bullet "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish
bullet "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
bullet "Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
bullet "I am filled with humidity."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
bullet "Spending on the military doesn't increase the deficit."
- Ronald Reagan
bullet "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies
bullet "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen..."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
bullet "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing
bullet "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
bullet "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
bullet "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
bullet "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
- Anon.
bullet "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information."
- Don Rottenberg
bullet "Which one is that?" "I just voted the way my wife told me to; she knew what it was."
- Texas goobernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how he had voted on the only proposition on the Texas ballot
bullet "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
- A Congressional Candidate in Texas

"A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven 'sure-fire' literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy."
-William Faulkner on Mark Twain

bullet "The only thing that really differentiates Texas from any other place in the world is the proclivity of its people to urinate outdoors and to attach a certain amount of importance to this popular pastime."
--Kinky Friedman

bullet "Many mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret vice, or self-abuse among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, paleness, nervousness and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?"

--Dr. J.H. Kellogg

bullet "Things should be made as simple as possible - no simpler."
--Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
bullet "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
--Franklin D. Roosevelt, (1882- 1945),
bullet A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
--Sir Barnett Cocks (ca. 1907)

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Marion Barry Quotes

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"Bitch set me up."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

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Actual Sports Quotes

Golf commentator:

Golf commentator: "Nick Faldo has shown himself to be a worthy world number one by finishing second here today."

David Coleman: "And the line-up for the final of the Women's 400 meters hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."

Presenter, BBC Wales: "It's not only a race against the clock but a race against time itself."

Dan Maskell: "The Gullikson twins here. An interesting pair - both of them from Wisconsin."

James Richardson: "Ten Tour de France riders crashed, two retired after falls, another dropped out when diarrhea slowed him to the point of elimination..."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up, alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Casey Stengel: Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket: "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." - Vince Lombardi

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" -Alan Minter

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."  (Greg Norman)

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round."  (Tony Crozier)

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." --Ted Walsh - Horse racing commentator

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." --Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race in 1977

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God! What have I just said?!" --US golf commentator

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." --David Coleman equestrian commentator

"I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house." --Yogi Berra

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event: "This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her mother."

At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

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Samuel Goldwyn Quotes

Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language. Here are some favorite Goldwynisms:

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"In two words, impossible."

"Include me out"

"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."

"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."

"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."

"You fail to overlook the crucial point."

"For your information, just answer me one question!'

"It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."

"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."

"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."

"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."

"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."

"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."

"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
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Celebrity Quotes

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. -W.C. Fields

When I was in school, I was beaten every 30 minutes. It never did me any harm except for some psychological mal-adjustments and blurred vision. -John Cleese

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
-Orson Welles

When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag. -Russell Baker

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the Universal Symphony with God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums.
- Hunter S. Thompson as quoted by William F. Buckley, Jr., who added: 'Though one should be prepared to vomit rather frequently and disport with pink elephants and assorted grotesqueries while trying, often unsuccessfully, to make one's way to the toilet.'

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. -Dave Barry

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in The Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? -Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. -Christopher Case

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. - Conan O'Brien

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. -Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but When God talks to us we're schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. -Jerry Seinfeld

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.-Jackie Gleason

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. -Truman Capote

Oh, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.-Robin Williams

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.-Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -- Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.-Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.-Jeff Foxworthy

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. -Last words of Humphrey Bogart

My father used to make home movies and edit out the joy. - Richard Lewis

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again. -Clint Eastwood

I can resist everything except temptation.
--Oscar Wilde

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me."
--John Cleese on businessmen

"I didn't have time. I was too busy breaking up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's marriage."
--George Clooney, in response to the rumor that he's the reason Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt split up.

"The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him."

To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.
--Henry Miller (1891-1980)

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
--Charles Schulz

"Well, I can wear heels now." -Nicole Kidman about ex-husband  
-- Tom Cruise, on The Late Show with David Letterman

"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
--Michelle Pfeiffer

"This present government in America I just find disgusting, the idea that George Bush could run a baseball team successfully--he can't even speak! I just find him an embarrassment. I was over here (England) when the election was on and I couldn't believe it--and I'm 76 years old. Then when the Supreme Court came in and turned out to be a totally political animal, the last shred of any naivety that was left in me has gone. When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke."
-Film director Robert Altman in an interview with the Times of London

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."
 --H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), American author

Interviewer: "If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United States, why do you live here?"
Mencken: "Why do men go to zoos?"
H.L. Mencken, on America

"Health nuts are going to feel awfully stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." 
-Redd Foxx

"They think they can act like God Almighty because they've got a cock and they can change a flat."
 -Victoria Wood (British comedy actress and singer), on men

"I never set out to be a businessman. I just wanted to have fun, bang chicks and do drugs."
- OZZY OSBOURNE explains his carefully crafted career plan.

"Always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snakebites and furthermore, always carry a small snake." 
--W.C. Fields

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
--Will Rogers

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."
--Abraham Lincoln

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
--Sam Levenson

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
--Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know." 
--Groucho Marx

"The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made."
-- Groucho Marx

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
--Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
--Groucho Marx

"Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech."  
-- Groucho Marx

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." -Groucho Marx

"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."  -Groucho Marx

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels." -Groucho Marx

"His body finally caught up with his career."
--Gary Labowitz after hearing of Henny Youngman's death

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."
--Marcel Achard

I am doing just fine, considering that I have survived Nazism and two wives.
--Albert Einstein

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway."
--Hunter S. Thompson

"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number."

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
--Walt Disney

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
-- Stephen King

"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up." --Tom Lehrer

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true." --Dorothy Parker

A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.

"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
--Talullah Bankhead

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
--Ashleigh Brilliant

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?
Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."
--Abraham Lincoln

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Dear Abby Letters

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much. I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.


Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol

Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.


Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.


Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.


Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose

Dear Rose,
So would I.


Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess

Dear Bess,
Night and day.


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

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The World According to Andy Rooney....

On Ads In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes:

My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we canít see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Pregnancy:

Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Itís weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your hand...It wonít be long now...

On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Clio Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice There's always like 18% that say I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!(Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for

$3.95 to say I'm not in the mood.

On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep.

Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.
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Mark Twain Quotes


bullet In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
bullet We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human race.
bullet Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
bullet If God had meant for us to be naked, we'd have been born that way.
bullet Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
bullet All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
bullet Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
bullet Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
bullet "We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world, and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding 12 men every day who don't know anything and can't read." 
bullet "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society."
bullet If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?
bullet I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
bullet "Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
bullet Never do tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
bullet I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said 'I don't know.'
bullet Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
bullet Mark Twain said that when he was a young man he was impressed by the story of a fellow who landed a job when a manager saw him pick up several pins from the sidewalk outside the firm's office. The manager was so impressed with the man's thrift and diligence that he gave him an interview right then and there.

So Twain went to the street alongside the office windows of a firm he wanted to work for and began almost ostentatiously to pick up pins he had earlier placed on the sidewalk. After a good number of pins had been picked up, a clerk came out and said, "The boss asked me to tell you to move along. Your idiotic behavior is distracting the people working in the office."
bullet A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
bullet "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
bullet "Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!"
bullet James McNeill Whistler (whose most famous painting is popularly known as "Whistler's Mother") is reported to have displayed a just completed painting to Mark Twain.

Twain looked at the painting judiciously from a variety of angles and distances while Whistler waited impatiently for the verdict.

Finally, Twain leaned forward and, making an erasing gesture with his hand, said, "I'd eradicate that cloud if I were you."

Whistler cried out in agony, "Careful! The paint is still wet."

"That's all right," Twain said coolly, "I'm wearing gloves."
bullet "There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me -- I always feel that they have not said enough."
bullet "The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime -- if not asked to lend money."
bullet "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
bullet "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."
bullet "Repartee is something we think of an hour too late."
bullet Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
bullet Mark Twain was born in 1835 when Halley's comet appeared. He predicted that he would die when Halley's comet next returned and he did, in 1910.
bullet "It all began with Adam. He was the first man to tell a joke-or a lie. How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant."
bullet "Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething."
bullet "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
bullet The best illustration of the value of brief speech:

His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars... after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars...after a half hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.

At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.

bullet "What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light."
bullet "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
bullet "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

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Top Quotes of the Year 2000

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee Ė the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?'"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Patricia Arquette

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axl Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
Yassir Arrafat (PLO leader - on going to war over religion)

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Quotes From Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary

Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

Valor, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the general of a division at Chickamauga., who had ordered a charge; "move forward at once."

"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."

Distress, n. A disease incurred by the exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

"Conservative, (noun) A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."

Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.

"The gambling known as business looks with severe disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

"Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be."
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Hollywood Squares Quotes

Those of you old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now -- from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter... and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
Q: To what do Roy Rogers and Dale Evans attribute their long marriage.
A: Paul Lynde: They're both good in the saddle.

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Will Rogers Quotes

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men - The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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Bob Hope Quotes

Passed away 07-27-2003 at age 100

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles
cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

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