Redneck / Macho Humor

NEW! Redneck / Macho Humor II

If you like these, check out our Texas Humor page
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Redneck Classic:
The best of Jeff Foxworthy
Gunracks and Sixpacks:
The Life and Times of the Genuine, Original All-American Redneck
The Official Redneck Handbook Red Ain't Dead:
150 More Ways to Tell If You're a Redneck
Redneck Classic:
The best of Jeff Foxworthy

What's that noise?
One Liners
Country Western Song Titles
The Poetry Contest
Oklahoma Drivers License Application
The Hindlick Manuever
The Top 16 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas
Alligator Shoes
Retirement in the Boonies
Rules for Yankees moving to the South
Hillbilly Birth
The Proctology Student
Two Guys Fishing
You Know You're a Cajun When
Southern Hospitality
The Virgin
How to do a vasectomy in Alabama
That's SuperNatural
An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction work...
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
You Might be a Redneck if... 11/9/03
Redneck Dictionary of Computer Terms
Redneck Obituary
Guest Application for the Jerry Springer Show
Three Third Graders Compare Penis Size
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas
Snow Emergency Parking
The Ventriloquist
Can't Fool the Flies


The Virgin

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual, money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said, "I'm a virgin."

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears.

His Dad comforted him and said, "You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"
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Redneck Dictionary of Computer Terms:

bullet Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
bullet Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
bullet Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
bullet Byte - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
bullet Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
bullet Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
bullet Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
bullet Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
bullet Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
bullet Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
bullet Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
bullet Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
bullet Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
bullet Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
bullet Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
bullet Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high
bullet Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
bullet Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
bullet ROM - Where the pope lives
bullet Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
bullet Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
bullet SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

And still more...

bullet Log On:.................. Makin' the wood stove hotter.
bullet Log Off:.................Don't add no wood.
bullet Monitor:..................Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
bullet Download:...............Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
bullet Mega Hertz:.........When yer not careful down loadin'.
bullet Floppy Disk:..........Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
bullet Ram:..........................The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
bullet Hard Drive:............Gettin' home in the winter season.
bullet Prompt:....................What you wish the mail was in the winter.
bullet Windows:.................What to shut when it's below 15 below.
bullet Screen:.....................What 'cha need for the black fly season.
bullet Byte:...........................That's what the flies do.
bullet Chip:............................What to munch on.
bullet Micro Chip:...............What's left in the bottom of the bag.
bullet Infrared:..................Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
bullet Modem:......................What 'cha did to the hay fields.
bullet Dot Matrix:..............Farmer Matrix's wife.
bullet Lap Top:......................Where little kids feel comfy.
bullet Keyboard: ..................Where ya hang your keys.
bullet Software: ..................Them plastic eatin' utensils.
bullet Mouse:.........................Whats eats the horses grain.
bullet Main Frame:...............Hold up the barn roof.
bullet Port:..............................Fancy wine.
bullet Enter:...........................C'mon in.
bullet Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

We're not done yet...

How to Tell if a Redneck is Working at the Computer in the Neighboring Cubicle:

1.The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack is mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck.
8.Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14.The monitor is up on blocks.
15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
18.The six front keys have rotted out.
19.John Deer Pocket Protectors.
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What's that noise?

An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says: "What's that noise?"
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One Liners

bullet Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
bullet South Carolina's state motto: Attention K-mart Shoppers.
bullet In Alabama, if you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
bullet Q. What do a tornado, hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
A. Somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer.
bullet Q: What is an Alabama virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.
bullet Q: What is the definition of a Tennessee Virgin?
A: An ugly 3rd grader.
bullet Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
bullet Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it till she's sixteen.
bullet Q: What do they call "Hee-Haw" in Oklahoma?
A: A documentary.
bullet Q: What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?
A: "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"
bullet What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
bullet What's the most popular pickup line in Alabama?
Nice tooth!
bullet How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
bullet How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
bullet Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age, in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
bullet Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
bullet Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
bullet Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
bullet Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
bullet Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
bullet Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
bullet Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
bullet A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
bullet What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
bullet How can you tell if you're in a redneck-Amish neighborhood?
By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...
bullet Q: Did you hear about the Alabama redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
bullet Q: Why did the redneck cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck up the chicken's ass!
bullet Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
bullet Q: What do you call a redneck who has both a dog and a cat?
A: Bisexual!
bullet Q: Did you hear about Kankakee, IL's City Hall burning down?
A: Yup... burned right down to both axles!
bullet Q: How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
A: She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow.
bullet Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.
bullet Q: Why does it take seven people to give a redneck a bath?
A: Three to hold him down, and four to spit on him.
bullet Q: What do you have when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth!
bullet What do you call 30 tractors circling a McDonalds in Iowa?
Prom Night

Q: What is considered foreplay in Alabama?
A: "Get in the truck, girl!!"


Q: What has three teeth and sixty feet?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.


Q: What do Rednecks and KFC have in common?
A: They do chicken right!

bullet Q: How can you tell if a redneck is gay?
A: He has chewing tobacco on his dick.
bullet Q: How can you tell if an Atlanta redneck is married?
A: There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
bullet Atlanta State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
bullet A hillbilly takes his 13-year-old daughter to the gynecologist. The doctor asks if she is sexually active. The father says "No, she just lays there like her mother."
bullet What did the hillbilly virgin say to her partner after her first orgasm?
"Get off me, dad. You're crushing my Camels!"
bullet Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?

A) The DNA is all the same.
B) No dental records.

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Country Western Song Titles (really)

bullet Do You Love as Good as You Look?
bullet Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
bullet Her Teeth Were Stained, but Her Heart Was Pure
bullet Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
bullet How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
bullet I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
bullet I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
bullet I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All over Me
bullet I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot about You
bullet I Wanna Whip Your Cow
bullet I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, but I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
bullet I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy
bullet I'm Just a Bug on the Windshield of Life
bullet I've Got the Hungries for Your Love and I'm Waiting in Your Welfare Line
bullet If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You
bullet If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
bullet If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You
bullet If the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
bullet If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will
bullet If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
bullet Mama Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)
bullet May the Bird of Paradise Fly up Your Nose
bullet My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
bullet My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field,
bullet While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
bullet My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
bullet Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears and My Glasses Are Slipping Down, but
bullet Baby I Can See Through You
bullet Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
bullet She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft;
She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
bullet She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
bullet She's Got Freckles on Her, but She's Pretty
bullet Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone
bullet They May Put Me In Prison, but They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out
bullet Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
bullet When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
bullet You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd
bullet You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped that Sucker Flat
bullet You Were Only a Splinter in My Ass as I Slid Down the Bannister of Life
bullet You're the reason our kids are so ugly
bullet You're not the best but you're the best that I can do.

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The Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to
two finalists.  One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an
upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line
poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock
started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

     Slowly across the desert sand

     Trekked the dusty caravan.

     Men on camels, two by two


The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top
that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

     Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

     Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

     They was three, we was two,

     So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
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Oklahoma Drivers License Application


  Last name: ________________

                 (Check appropriate box)
  First name:                             First name:

    [_] Billy-Bob                           [_] Bobby-Sue
    [_] Billy-Joe                           [_] Bobby-Jo
    [_] Billy-Ray                           [_] Bobby-Ann
    [_] Billy-Sue                           [_] Bobby-Lee
    [_] Billy-Mae                           [_] Bobby-Ellen
    [_] Billy-Jack                          [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

  Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

  Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right


    [_] Farmer                  [_] Mechanic
    [_] Hair Dresser            [_] Waitress
    [_] Un-employed             [_] Dirty Politician

  Spouse's Name:      __________________________
  2nd Spouse's Name:  __________________________
  3rd Spouse's Name:  __________________________

  Lover's Name:       __________________________
  2nd Lover's Name:   __________________________

  Relationship with spouse:

    [_] Sister                  [_] Aunt
    [_] Brother                 [_] Uncle
    [_] Mother                  [_] Son
    [_] Father                  [_] Daughter
    [_] Cousin                  [_] Pet

  Number of children living in household: ___
  Number of children living in shed: ___
  Number that are yours: ___

  Mother's Name: _______________________
  Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

  Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

  Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

      ___ Total number of vehicles you own
      ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
      ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
      ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
      ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

  Firearms you own and where you keep them:
      ____ truck                ____ kitchen
      ____ bedroom              ____ bathroom
      ____ shed

  Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

  Do you have a gun rack?
    [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

  Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    [_] The National Enquirer   [_] The Globe
    [_] TV Guide                [_] Soap Opera Digest
    [_] Rifle and Shotgun

  ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

  How often do you bathe:
    [_] Weekly
    [_] Monthly
    [_] Not Applicable

  Color of teeth:
    [_] Yellow                  [_] Brownish-Yellow
    [_] Brown                   [_] Black
    [_] N/A                      _  How many?

  Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
    [_] Red-Man

  How far is your home from a paved road?
    [_] 1 mile
    [_] 2 miles
    [_] don't know

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The Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. .
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The Hindlick Manuever

Two of Alabama's finest Deputy Sheriffs, Jed and Bubba, are doing a stakeout of the soda fountain at the department store when a gorgeous young female tourist walks in eating a donut. Stunned by her beauty, the two deputies stare at her for awhile when, all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress).

One Deputy says to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agrees and says, "Think we should go help?"
"You bet," says the first, and with that he runs over and says, "Can you speak?"

She shakes her head no.

He then asks, "Can you breathe?"

She again shakes her head no.

With that, he pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her on the butt.

She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe, with great relief.

At which point, the first deputy looks at his friend and exclaims, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
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The Top 16 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas:

bullet 16: Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
bullet 15: Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street", forced to change its name.
bullet 14: In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by Hillary Clinton.
bullet 13: The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase.
bullet 12: No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on fresh bacon fat.
bullet 11: Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
bullet 10: Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin' all them new Russian ones!"
bullet 9: Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.
bullet 8: Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.
bullet 7: Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing Competition."
bullet 6: Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
bullet 5: Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver and bronze teeth.
bullet 4: Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.
bullet 3: Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
bullet 2: Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them extra toes.
bullet 1: Two words: Billy Bobsledding

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Alligator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he decided that he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water.

He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."

Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
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Retirement in the Boonies

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
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Rules for Yankees who move to the South

bullet 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
bullet 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
bullet 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
bullet 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
bullet 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
bullet 6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
bullet 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
bullet 8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
bullet 9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
bullet 10.Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
bullet 11.People walk slower here.
bullet 12.Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
bullet 13.The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in"big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
bullet 14.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
bullet 15.Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
bullet 16.If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
bullet 17.If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
bullet 18.Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
bullet In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
bullet 19.Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
bullet 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
bullet 22.If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
bullet 23.Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
bullet 24.Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
bullet 25.Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
bullet 26.In Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
bullet 27.As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
bullet 28.You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Rules edited for Florida. All rules apply as is except:

bullet 3. All Yankees that have moved into the state have also forgotten how to drive on snow and ice. Most have also forgotten where the accelerator is in their car also.
bullet 11.There are two kinds of walkers here the "will run you over get the heck out of my way" and the kind a snail could beat in a race. The second kind is far more prevalent than the first.
bullet 19.Northerners cannot be determined by the spit on their windshield. But by their exceedingly slow speed (20 mph on the 70 mph Interstate).
bullet 25.Florida is where Northern states send their geriatric cases to plug up our highways... they are really all y'all's problem.

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That's Supernatural

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"  About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats.'"
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An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction work

An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, " Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Alabama redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day - The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. the Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Alabama redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him two tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Alabama redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his own damn lunch!!"
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Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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You Might Be a Redneck if...

bullet You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
bullet You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
bullet You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
bullet Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
bullet You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
bullet Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
bullet Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
bullet You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
bullet The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
bullet Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
bullet You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
bullet A tornado came through your town and made 100,000 dollars in improvements
bullet You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
bullet You ever cut your grass and found a car.
bullet You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
bullet You think the stock market has a fence around it.
bullet Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
bullet Your boat has not left the driveway (or front yard) in 15 years.
bullet You own a homemade fur coat.
bullet Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
bullet The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
bullet You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
bullet Birds are attracted to your beard.
bullet Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
bullet You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
bullet You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
bullet You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
bullet Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
bullet You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
bullet You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
bullet You clean your fingernails with a stick.
bullet Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
bullet You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
bullet Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
bullet Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
bullet Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
bullet You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
bullet There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
bullet The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
bullet There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
bullet The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
bullet You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
bullet You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
bullet You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
bullet You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
bullet You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
bullet The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
bullet People hear your car a long time before they see it.
bullet The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
bullet You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
bullet You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
bullet You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
bullet You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
bullet You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
bullet You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
bullet You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
bullet You have ever used lard in bed.
bullet You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
bullet You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
bullet You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.
bullet Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
bullet Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
bullet The primary color of your car is bondo.
bullet Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
bullet Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
bullet You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
bullet You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
bullet Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
bullet You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
bullet You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
bullet You have a rag for a gas cap.
bullet The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
bullet You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
bullet You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
bullet You actually wrote to Ford requesting the rules to Truck Football.
bullet You actually pay attention to what is said on those fishing shows.
bullet You see a sign that says "Don't do Crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
bullet Nobody but nobody can overhaul a transmission like Momma.
bullet Your momma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
bullet No two tires on your car are the same size.
bullet You regard the Styrofoam ice chest as the 8th wonder of the world.
bullet You measure distance in six packs instead of miles.
bullet Your best pair of shoes have numbers on the back.
bullet When you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.
bullet You get your daily requirement for fiber from toothpicks.
bullet Your marriage license is on the rear floorboard of the GTO.
bullet Your kids went hungry last night because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
bullet Your watchband is wider than any book that you ever read.
bullet Your wife has earrings that double as fishing lures.
bullet Your e-mail address ends in
bullet Your satellite dish has more square feet than your house.
bullet Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
bullet You have a crack in the windshield that is longer than your arm and has been there for more than a year.
bullet You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
bullet You have ever fished, using a crank-up telephone.
bullet You have ever fished, using explosives.
bullet You actually know which leaves make a good substitute for toilet paper.
bullet The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
bullet You've been on TV more than three times explaining how the tornado sounded.
bullet the Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
bullet you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
bullet you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
bullet you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
bullet you have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
bullet you can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
bullet your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
bullet you think your license plate is personalized because your father made it for you
bullet your family tree does not branch.

.you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45s.
.you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
.your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
.you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
.you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
.that billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
.your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
.you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
.you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
.your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
.you've got more than three cousins named "Bubba".
.you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
.taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
.you've got more than one other named "Darryl".
.you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.
.on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
.you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
.your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
.your child's first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
.your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
.your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
.you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
.you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
.you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
.you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
.you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
.you've ever valet parked a snow plow.
.you've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
.you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
.you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
.you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
.there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
.you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
.the strongest smell in your house is butane.
.you think paprika is a Third World country.
.you ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
.you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
.you have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
.you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
.you played the banjo in your high school band.
.the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them day-vorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays."

The attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up about 4:30."

The attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer said, "no , she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
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Redneck Obituary

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds = says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'.
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Hillbilly Birth...

Deep in the backwoods, the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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Guest Application for the Jerry Springer Show

Personal Information:
Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle___________
Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy (if known)________________
Spouse's Name_________________
Relationship to spouse:
___Sister ____Brother ____Mother ____Father ___Pet ___Aunt ___Uncle
___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer ___Skinhead
Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___
Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4
How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road:
___1mi. __5 mi. ___?
Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___
Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks___
Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Pit Bull ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice
___Rebel Flag ___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker
Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun
Number of Dogs Owned: ___ Number of Homemade Tattoos: ___
Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:
___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove ___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer
How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___
Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin
___Possum Huntin ___Crawdad Huntin ___Spittin Backy
___Scratchin ___Watchin Wrasslin
If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:
___Soap Opera Digest ___True Confessions
___Rifle and Shotgun ___TV Guide ___National Enquirer
Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse
Can You Spell Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope
Can You Remember Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope
Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope
Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___Nope
Which is Correct?: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"
How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day? ___
Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy ___Prostitute
Number of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis ___Elvis in a UFO
Health Questionnaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?
___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose ___Boils
Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup ___Nope
Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A
I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on

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The Proctology Student

A Proctology student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get back on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped.

Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something" the student told the Examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just

can't wait to get back on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
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Two Guys Fishing

Two guys were drinking beer and fishing in a rowboat, when all of a sudden a voice came out of nowhere and said that they could have one wish.

Hearing that, the first guy said really quickly, "I wish this whole lake would turn into beer." With that, his wish came true! His companion sighed and said, "Now you've done it! Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"
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Three Third Graders Compare Penis Size

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.

"Okay" They all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.

The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three"
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You Know You're a Cajun When

bullet Watching "wild kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
bullet You think the head of the United Nations is Boudreaux-Boudreaux & Guillory.
bullet You think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.
bullet You think Boudin, hogshead cheese and Bud is a bland diet.
bullet You think Groundhog Day and Boucherie Day are the same holiday.
bullet You take a bite of 5-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco.
bullet Fred's Lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.
bullet You have an "envie" instead of a craving for something.
bullet You use a no. 3 washtub to cover your lawn mower or outboard in your yard.
bullet You use a gill net to play tennis, badminton, or volleyball.
bullet You use two or more pirogues to cover your newly planted tomatoes to protect them from a late frost
bullet The horsepower of your outboard motor is greater than the motor in your car.
bullet You pass up a trip abroad to go to the crawfish festival in Breaux Bridge.
bullet Your favorite TV talk show is Okra Winfrey.
bullet Your children's favorite bedtime story begins "first you make a roux..."
bullet Your school teaches the four basic food groups as broiled seafood, boiled seafood, fried seafood, and beer.
bullet You're asked to name the "fab four" and answer, "Paul Prudhomme, John Folse, Justin Wilson, and Vernon Roger.
bullet Your description of a gourmet dinner includes the words "deep fat fried."
bullet You think the Mason-Dixon line is at Bunkie.
bullet You let your black coffee cool and it gels.
bullet You describe a yard of Bboudin, and cracklings as "breakfast."
bullet Your mama announces each morning, "Well I've got the rice cookin'...what will we have for dinner?"
bullet None of your potential vacation destinations are north of the old Mississippi river bridge.
bullet You refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather."
bullet You get a disapproving look from your wife, and describe it as "she passed me a pair of eyes."
bullet You think of gravy as a beverage.
bullet You greet your long, lost friend at the Lafayette airport with "aaaaeeeeeeeee"
bullet You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "don't eat the dead ones," and you know what he means.
bullet You learned 'bourre' the hard way... holding yourself upright in your crib.
bullet You don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.
bullet You gave up Tabasco for lent.
bullet You know the difference between zatarans, zeringue, and zydeco.
bullet Your dog thinks the bed of your pickup is his kennel.
bullet You can look at a rice field and tell how much gravy it will take to cover the rice.

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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says,

"You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,

"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
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Snow Emergency Parking

A couple was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from WAHR on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplowing," the radio voice declared.

"Oh, gosh, OK," said Bubba, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Two days later, Bubba and wife were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the

even-numbered side of the streets." Bubba got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street. A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Bubba asked in the dark. "What should I do?"

"Aw, to heck with them, Bubba," the wife said. "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."
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The Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist from New York took his act on the road to Mississippi. After about twenty minutes of performing joke after joke about rednecks, a good ol' boy in the audience stood up and said, "I'm damn tired of you yankees makin' fun of us southern folks and always tryin' to make us look stupid. If you don't stop it right now I'm going to come up there and shut you up!"

The ventriloquist said, "Take it easy buddy, they're just jokes."

The redneck replied, "You stay out of this... I'm talkin' to that little loudmouth on your lap!"
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Southern Hospitality

Jim and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Jim her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.

Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Jim my best southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Jim's balls are on the cold floor!"
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Can't Fool the Flies

On a hot summer's day a country boy is pulling a wagon load of manure down a country two lane road in rural Alabama. The local sheriff (Bubba) pulls him over and starts to write him a citation. As the sheriff is standing next to the old boy's pickup some of the flies accompanying the manure wagon start to buzz him. He swats at the flies and cusses them "damn flies." The country boy speaks up and says "Them's circle flies...we calls 'em that cause back home on the farm they's always circling the horses ass."

"Boy, are you calling me a horse's ass?" says the angered Bubba.

The country boy replied "No sir, but you can't fool them flies."
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Mississippi Jokes

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.

When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,

"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't ya'll still have those big red trucks?"
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Redneck Lesson in Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

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