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don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate
Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm .
. . five?"
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
ya'll still have those big red trucks?"
On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.
One beer led to another, and soon a cop came in and said, "Is that your dog outside?"
"Sure is", said the redneck.
"Well, I want you to know she's in heat", said the cop.
"No she ain't. I tied her in the shade".
"No, no! I mean she needs to be bred."
"That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread?"
The exasperated cop said, "I mean she needs to be fucked!"
"Oh. Well go
ahead and fuck her. I always wanted a police dog."
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped
his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly
at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Arkansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi,
West Virginia and Kentucky. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause
and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"
A University of Alabama
football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to
start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
McCoy's Etiquette Tips For Rednecks
Takes Up Hang-Gliding
took his gal up to lovers peak one Saturday night. They sat down
on a log and gazed at the stars.
was this city slicker from Chicago who was visiting a cousin in Kankakee,
Willieanna were drivin down the road one day and suddenly Rufus slams
on the brakes, throws Willieanna in the back seat and starts to jump on
top of her.
and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told
me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested
Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
in a fire and was burned beyond recognition. The morgue needed someone
to identify the body. His two best friends, Daryl & Goober, were called
upon to help identify the body.
walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on
me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really
good mood tonight, hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet
on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money
from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates
him and proceeds to pour the round.
studs from Oklahoma, Bubba and Jethro, go to Cape Cod. Once they arrive,
they immediately hit the beach scene to see if they can try their luck
attracting some of the local babes.
girl from Alabama was watching her mother get dressed for work one day.
The mother took off her shirt and the little girl saw her breasts and
said, "Mommy, what are those?"
Bob's First Trip to a Whore House
southern belle recently returned from a visit to California and was discussing
her encounters with a girlfriend.
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you are not to have no relations whatsoever!"
a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends
A taxidermist is on vacation down south. He is feeling a little thirsty and decides to have a few drinks at the nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern, the conversation stops and all eyes turn to him.
Feeling a little uneasy, he makes his way to the bar to order a beer. The bartender serves him and says, "Ya'll ain't from 'round these parts, is ya?"
Guy: "No...I am from Connecticut."
"What is it you do up there in Connecticut?"
"A taxidermist...Hey Al, you ever hear of a taxidermist?"
"So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it you do exactly?"
"It's OK boys--he's one of us!"
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a
reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long
will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed
a country western singer?
buddies decided to check out a new comedy club one weekend, we got there
and they were given the table right up front.
Deep in the woods of Tennessee on a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.
The speeder looks at the owner sheepishly and says, "Looks as if I killed your dog."
I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."
The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."
going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Atlanta family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
After living in the remote wilderness of Alabama all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!" "Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked
into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
A man gets sent to prison. As soon as he walks in his cell, his huge, scary-looking cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"
After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."
his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's dick."
... Who gives
a damn who won the Civil War?
to tell if you're secretly a Redneck Jedi
Jimbo and Bubba are from Alabama visiting a relative at the Huntsville, Texas prison. Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a sign which reads: 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.
Jimbo says to Bubba, "Hey Bubba, LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Mobile, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talkin' cause if they hear our southern accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."
They go in and Jimbo orders 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. The owner of the shop says, "You're Deliverance Dingbats from Alabama, aren't you?"
"Heck yes," says a surprised Jimbo. "How comes you know dat?"
says, "Because this is a dry cleaners, asshole!"
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas!
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but the Office of Homeland Security is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Office has identified the following children:
Billy Bob Abba Bubba
the Office of Homeland Security believes they all seem to have sprung
from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddi and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
Know You're a Redneck When... 2003 Edition
1. You can
spit without opening your mouth.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?" Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."
Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"
"See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
There was a young hillbilly couple who decided to get married. They decided to do it up proper like, so they came down off of the mountain and went to see the justice of the peace.
The justice of the peace called the young man up there and asked "Son, what's your name?" In a thick drawl, the man said "My name is Homer T. Smith". His Honor asked "Well, Homer T., how old are you?" and Homer T. replied "I'm 22 years old." Then the justice of the peace asked him how much he weighed. Homer T. drawled, "I weigh 174 pounds". The justice said "Thank you son, that's all the information that I need from you.
He turned to the young woman and asked, "Miss, what is your name?" She said "My name is Sally Mae Jones." The justice of the peace then asked "And how old are you, Miss Sally Mae". She replied, "I'm 20 years old." Then he asked "And how much do you weigh?" In her thickest drawl, she said "I weigh 310 pounds".
The justice of the peace looked at her in shock and exclaimed, "Good Lord girl, you're big enough to play for the Green Bay Packers!!"
calmly replied, "If I play with anybody's Packer, it'll be Homer
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"
you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
German Shepherd Dog
Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
Great Dane, Mastiff
Any dog that raids the hen house
Any lazy dog
Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, UNC-TV is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor: Carolina Style."
The contestants will start in Charlotte, travel up to Asheville and on to Boone.
From there they will head over to Morganton and over to High Point and Winston-Salem. They will then proceed down to Raleigh and Knightdale.
Then back down through Greenville, Jacksonville, Lumberton up to Fayetteville, Rockingham and back over to Charlotte.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay," "I'm a Vegetarian," "NASCAR Sucks," "Go Yankees," "Smoking is for Idiots," "Hillary in 2004," "Deer Hunting is Murder," "Say No to Incest" and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Charlotte alive, wins.
TO ALL CONTESTANTS!
Top 34 things you will NEVER EVER hear a redneck say, regardless how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered ...
33. "Billie Bob, say 'excuse me' when you do that!"
32. "Oh, I just couldn't, heck, she's only sixteen."
31. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
30. "Duct tape won't fix that."
29. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
28. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
27. "Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?"
26. "You can't feed that to the dog."
25. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
24. "No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe."
23. "Wrasslin's fake."
22. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
21. "We're vegetarians."
20. "Do you think my gut is too big?"
19. "Honey, we don't need another dog."
18. "Who's Richard Petty?"
17. "Too many deer heads detract from the decor."
16. "Spittin' is such a nasty habit."
15. "Trim the fat off that steak."
14. "The tires on that truck are too big."
13. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
12. "I've got it all on the C drive."
10. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
9. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
8. "My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's."
7. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
5. "She's too young to be wearing a bikini."
4. "Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen."
3. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
2. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight."
Some of us are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not really healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have a very, very good head.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
(Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but
you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a
fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're
not concerned with todays fashions and trends. You're not concerned with
anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests
and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another possibility.
is a Redneck Church If...