Religious Humor

Moses to God: "OK, let me see if I've got this straight. They get all the oil and we get to cut off our WHAT?"

Heaven and Hell Humor - on a new page! - Nuns Humor! - Priest and Pastor Humor!

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of
the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the
context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"

NEW! Religious Humor II

The Seven Dwarves in Rome
Why God Never Received a PHD
The Pope's Big Decision
Proof that Jesus was Black, Jewish, Irish...
If We Think of God as a Programmer...
Baa Baa Black Sheep
No way to play Golf
Where did we go wrong?
Careful what you ask for...
Food Fight...
The Direct Line
Religious Tech Support
Catholic Dictionary
Get the man a Priest
If the 12 Apostles had been Gay -
on our Lists page
Moses and Jesus Golfing
A Little Boy is Swept out to Sea
Rabbi Schwartz's Call from the IRS
A Man Confesses an Affair - almost
Business or Religion?
An Atheist's Complaint
George W. Bush Meets Moses
Only Two Things
A Choir Member Who Can't Sing
An Amazon Explorer Calls Out to God
A Drunk Stumbles Upon a Baptism
Letter to Dr. Laura
Which Service Was It?
A Rabbi and a Priest in an Accident...
It pays to advertise
The Numbers of the Beast
Catholic School Works!
Is that you, God?
YOU ask him!
She saw and spoke to God
Church bulletin Bloopers 7/27/2002
The Pope and a Jew
Pork vs. Sex
Quotes on Religion
God's Vacation Plans
4 Catholic Women discussing their Sons
The New Laodicean Songbook
Seen The Light!
Sectarian Golf
Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven
A Rabbi, a Minister, and a Priest were Playing Poker...
A Little Too Much Procreation
Yom Kippur vs. Lent
The Temperance Sermon
A Priest and a Rabbi buy a Car
Fundamentalist Christian Pet
Gathering Material for Confession
Officer McGuire Answers a Call
Three Types of Bras
Rabbi Covers the Confessional
Talking Down a Jumper
Her Divine Right

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"

"I'm sure."


Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.

"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.

Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."

And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
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Why God never received a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10.When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13.Some say he had his son teach the class.

14.He expelled his first two students for learning.

15.Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16.His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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The Big Decision

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
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Three Proofs that Jesus was...

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1.His first name was Jesus
2.He was always in trouble with the law
3.His mother did not know who his father was

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

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God as a computer programmer...

Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on Jolt Cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date (like your birthday).

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

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Baa Baa Black Sheep

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the child"!
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A Little Accident

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
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It Pays To Advertise

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. "You can't show Christ on the cross, nailed there with our nails!" He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed that they would fix the ad campaign.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
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The Numbers of the Beast

665.999			Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI			Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000			Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666			Number of the Millibeast

/ 666			Beast Common Denominator

666 ^ (-1)			Imaginary number of the Beast 

1010011010		Binary of the Beast

1-666			Area code of the Beast 

00666			Zip code of the Beast 

6, uh... what was that number again?		Number of the Blonde Beast

$665.95			Retail price of the Beast

$699.25			Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax 

$769.95			Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66			K-mart price of the Beast

$646.66			Next week's K-mart price of the Beast 

Route 666			Way of the Beast

666 F			Oven temperature for roast Beast 

666k			Retirement plan of the Beast

Lotus 6-6-6		Spreadsheet of the Beast 

Word 6.66			Word Processor of the Beast 

i66686			CPU of the Beast

666i			BMW of the Beast

668			Next-door neighbor of the Beast

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Catholic School Works!

Little Johnny was having trouble in school, especially in math. His parents hired tutors, talked to the teacher, nothing seemed to help. Finally they decided that the trouble must be in the public school system. They enrolled him in a nearby Catholic school.

At the end of the next grading period Johnny brought home his report card. Mom and Dad were amazed that Johnny got straight "A's", even in math. So they asked Johnny what made the difference.

He replied: "When I got there and saw that they nailed some guy to a plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
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Is That You God?

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.

"You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks.

"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.

"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
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YOU ask him!

Bishop Fulton J. Sheen was once speaking at a College and in the question and answer period, he was being harassed by a student. Finally, the student asked: "Can you tell me for a fact that Jonah lived 3 days in a belly of whale." "Tell you what", said the Bishop, "when I get to Heaven, I'll ask him." "What if he's not there?" retorted the student. "Then you ask him." said the Bishop.
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No way to play Golf

The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "FUCK, I missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it any more.

"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".

It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "FUCK, I missed!!" Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".

It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "FUCK, I missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.

Suddenly, a voice was heard in the clouds, "FUCK, I missed!!!"
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Where did we go wrong?

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out, and went to see his rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "Like you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer", replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the lawyer.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me ...' "
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Careful what you ask for...

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."

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She saw and spoke to God

This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do I have to live?" He said, "you have 35 years left."

So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again.

After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.

When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!"

God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"
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Food Fight...

One Lenten season, a Jewish man moved into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Jew would drive the Catholics crazy because, while they were eating fish, he would be outside grilling steaks. The Catholics asked him to stop, in fact, they tried to convert him.

Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on the Jew and intones:

.....Born a Jew
......Raised a Jew
......Now a Catholic.

The Catholics were ecstatic. No more steak aroma filling the air every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue once again filled the neighborhood. The Catholics rushed over to the Jew's house in order to remind him of his new Catholic 'diet.' When they arrived, they saw him standing over the grill. He was sprinkling holy water on the meat as they heard him say...

.....Born a cow
......Raised a cow
......Now a fish.

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Church bulletin Bloopers

bullet Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
bullet The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
bullet The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
bullet Evening massage - 6 p.m.
bullet The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
bullet The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
bullet Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
bullet Ushers will eat latecomers.
bullet The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
bullet For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
bullet The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
bullet The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
bullet During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
bullet Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'
bullet Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
bullet Stewardship Offertory: 'Jesus Paid It All'
bullet The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
bullet Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
bullet The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
bullet The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
bullet 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
bullet A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
bullet Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
bullet Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
bullet On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
bullet Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
bullet Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
bullet The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
bullet Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
bullet The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
bullet This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
bullet Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
bullet Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
bullet Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
bullet This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
bullet The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
bullet Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
bullet The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
bullet A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
bullet At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
bullet Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
bullet Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
bullet Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
bullet Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
bullet "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
bullet Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time

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Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
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The Direct Line

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table In the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father Insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official "visit" In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.

The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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The Pope and a Jew

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent The Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
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Pork vs. Sex

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?
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Religious Tech Support

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.

God: Was your faith installed by an ordained Minister or a Catholic Priest?

Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a confirmation, so it must have been a priest.

God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)?

Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.

God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?

Sinner: Not that I can think of..

God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet). Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?

Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.

God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.

Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM) and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini (c). You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.

Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?

God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter Browser(TM). If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.

Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.

God: Go in Peace(TM) my son.

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...

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Catholic Dictionary:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke.

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: people who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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Quotes on Religion

bullet The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
[Mark Twain]
bullet Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
[Fred Allen]
bullet Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched. [Lowell B. Yoder, Holland, Ohio]
bullet If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.
[Rev. Robert E. Harris]
bullet A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
[Sr. Monique Rysavy]
bullet We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
[Donna Maddux, Stillwater, Oklahoma]
bullet I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from? [Rev. Denny Brake]
bullet Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]

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God's Vacation

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God shouts. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

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4 Catholic Women discussing their Sons

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2," hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God....'"

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The New Laodicean Songbook

NEWS FLASH! (source unknown)
Leaders of the Evangelical Laodicean Church last week announced the publication of a new hymnal. "This is truly a hymnal for the new century," said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Arm.

"This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our tradition, "Bishop Arm explained. "At the core of our belief is the motto, 'Moderation in all things,' and that applies to our faith life as well. We just don't like to get carried away."

When asked if the new hymnal will help the Laodicean Church attract new members, Bishop Arm replied, "People in today's society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our church seeks to meet that need. This hymnal will help with that, I think."

Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla ("Presh") S. Moment, explained some of the difficulty the committee had in choosing hymns. "Many of the old favorites just won't cut it among Laodiceans," said Moment. "We had to change lot of the wording to make them fit with our style. We tried to incorporate some new songs into the book, but we had trouble finding Laodiceans interested in writing new music."

The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very carefully, explained Moment. "We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands any more like 'Worship' or 'Hymn.'" Here is a partial list from titles included in the new Laodicean hymnal:
bullet A Comfy Swedish Mattress Is Our God
bullet Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
bullet All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
bullet Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
bullet Be Thou My Hobby
bullet Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
bullet Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
bullet He's Quite a Bit to Me
bullet I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
bullet I Love to Talk about Telling the Story
bullet I Surrender Some
bullet I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
bullet It Is My Secret What God Can Do
bullet Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
bullet Just as I Pretend to Be
bullet Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses
bullet Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
bullet My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
bullet My Faith Looks Around for Thee
bullet O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past
bullet Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
bullet Oh, How I like Jesus
bullet Onward, Christian Reservists
bullet Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
bullet Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
bullet Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
bullet Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus
bullet Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere near Me
bullet Take My Life and Let Me Be
bullet There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
bullet There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
bullet We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
bullet What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
bullet When Peace, like a Trickle
bullet When the Saints Go Sneaking in
bullet Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

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Seen The Light!

A Rabbi and a Priest, the best of friends for years, loved to argue with one another about anything and everything. The topic dearest to them both, however, was arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to demonstrate where the other one was wrong and their view superior.

Driving home from lunch one afternoon, they suddenly found themselves coming head on to a weaving drunk driver.

Swerving sharply, the car bounced off the highway, rolled three times, and came to rest downside up. The two friends dragged themselves from the wreck and were amazed to find themselves in one piece.

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouted "Glory Be! Benjamin! You've seen the Light!"

"What?" said the Rabbi. "What are you talking about?"

"You - Why, you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! One miracle after another! This is wonderful."

"Cross myself?!? Oh, no, no, Clarence. I was just doing a quick check... to be sure everything was OK: Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, and Watch."
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Sectarian Golf

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
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Get the man a Priest

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman,"; says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: ";B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72 ".
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Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. "

As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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A Rabbi, a Minister, and a Priest were Playing Poker...

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
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Moses and Jesus Golfing

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your Dad."
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A Little Boy is Swept out to Sea

A grandmother took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, -- that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"

A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine.  But still she looked up with an annoyed expression and said, "When we came he had a hat!"
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A Little Too Much Procreation

A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise that would allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.

After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.

Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"

"Snow and rain are acts of God, too," a man at the back of the room said, "but most of us wear rubbers."
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Rabbi Schwartz's Call from the IRS

Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.

"Hello is this Rabbi Schwartz?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know Sam Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000."

"He will.
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Yom Kippur vs. Lent

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.

After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs.

The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"

Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom, even when it comes to sin, the goyyem pay retail!"
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A Man Confesses an Affair - almost

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
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The Temperance Sermon

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"

The preacher sat down. The song leader stood up tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river.'"
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Business or Religion?

The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence.

"Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?"

"Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man.

"I hereby resolve to double my efforts."

"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.

"Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man.

"I shall both worship and confess every week."

"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest.

"Now just a minute, Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business, not religion."
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A Priest and a Rabbi buy a Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
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An Atheist's Complaint

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays, such as The Holiday of Charity and The Commemoration of Abraham's Sacrifice. Every religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Well, why don't you celebrate April first?"
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Fundamentalist Christian Pet

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.

This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "Let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
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George W. Bush Meets Moses

George W. Bush, the candidate for president of the United States, was in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"
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Gathering Material for Confession

Little Danny O'Brian, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.

"What's going on here!" bellowed the officer.

"It's like this officer," winked Danny. "I am on my way to confession...and I'm a little short of material."
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Only Two Things

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
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A Choir Member Who Can't Sing

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir.

The choir director became desperate and went to the priest.

"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."

So the priest went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."

"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.

"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."

That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
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Officer McGuire Answers a Call

Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler.

The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein. After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle.

Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"
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Three Types of Bras

A man walked into the ladies department and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"Well, there are three types," replied the clerk, "which one would you like?"

"Only three?" asked the man, "What are they?"

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

"It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
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An Amazon Explorer Calls Out to God

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.

Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...

The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."
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Rabbi Covers the Confessional

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the Priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars."
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A Drunk Stumbles Upon a Baptism

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Talking Down a Jumper

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,

reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

---Emo Philips
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Letter to Dr. Laura

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I Have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a.. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

b.. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c.. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d.. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

e.. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f.. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g.. Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
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Which Service Was It?

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service was it, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
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Her Divine Right

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
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