Scottish Jokes

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His First Kilt
Gloria Finds a Bargain
A Scot at a Whorehouse
Three Couples on the Golf Course
A Penny For Your Thoughts
Shamus Goes to College
Sneaking His Wife on a Train
A Young Scot Borrows a Condom



Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A Welsh leisure center!

If an Englishman is removing wallpaper ...he is redecorating.
If a Scotsman is removing wallpaper ...he is relocating!

Q: Why is a Scottish girl like a tortoise?
A: They're both fucked as soon as they're on their backs!
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A Penny For Your Thoughts

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while when the lass said,  "A penny for ye thoughts Angus."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now Angus?"
To which the lad replied, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot that penny!"
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His First Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt.

In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

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Shamus Goes to College

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.

"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night."

"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother.

"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway."
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Gloria Finds a Bargain

Gloria was the typical penny-pinching Scottish old maid. So conservative most men thought, no way would she ever land a normal husband.  She was the type who would probably scald him before she agreed to sleep with him. Well, she never did, but that had nothing to do with her persistent love for shopping for a bargain.

One early spring day, Gloria could be found in the ritzy shopping mall, and this time a beautiful red wool suit caught her immediate attention. Rushing inside the store, she asked a clerk, "do you have another of those red wool suits like the one I saw from outside in the window?"

"Yes, lady," the sales clerk began. "Wait here, and I'll check in the back to make sure."

Shortly, the clerk returned, and Gloria's ear-to-ear smile said she was bound to make a purchase within minutes.

"May I try it on?" asked Gloria.

The clerk handed the suit to Gloria and showed her to the dressing room. In seconds, Gloria was back and admiring herself in that nice red wool suit in the closest mirror.

"May I wrap it for you, or do you wish to wear it?" asked the clerk.

"Oh," said Gloria, "I forgot to ask. What's the price? How much are you asking for it?"

"It's $149.95," the clerk answered.

"Damn!" said Gloria, as she rushed back to the dressing area to take off the suit, "no way am I going to pay that much of my hard earned for one wool suit!" Shortly, she was dressed and out of the store.

A little while later in the shopping center, Gloria spotted another dress that looked exactly like the one she had tried on at the first store. She just had to do it, so Gloria went in. This time, her first question was about the price of the red wool suit. Upon learning the price and checking it out to prove to herself that it was, indeed the same suit at a much better price, Gloria paid for the new dress, and with it neatly boxed and under her arm, she rushed back to the first store.

"See here," Gloria all but shouted when she spotted the clerk who tried to sell her an over-priced same, same suit. "Look what I found at another dress shop, and it only cost me $49.95!"

"Yes, lady," the clerk attempted to maintain her temperament, "this is not the same suit. The one you tried on here is made of virgin wool."

Gloria thought about that momentarily, looked deep into the sales lady's eyes, and said, "Damn! I saved $100.00. What the hell do I care what the sheep do at night!"
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Sneaking His Wife on a Train

Sandy the Scotsman was traveling by rail and he had a rather large trunk setting on the seat beside him. As the conductor collected the tickets, he spied the trunk.

"You'll have to pay an extra fare if your baggage is going to take a seat", he told the Scott.

"Nae, I'll not pay", replied Sandy.

The conductor was adamant and demanded that the Scot must pay the extra fare for the seat occupied by the trunk but Sandy was equally as stubborn and refused to part with the cost of another train fare. Finally out of frustration, the conductor picked up the trunk and threw it off the train. As it happened the train was traveling over a river trestle at the time, so as the trunk hit the water, they heard a loud splash.

Sandy jumped up from his seat and cried, "First you try to cheat me, then ye drown me wife!"
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A Scot at a Whorehouse

A Scot went into a whorehouse and announced he could spend no more than ten dollars. The madam told him that the cheapest rate was twenty dollars. After a monumental argument, the madam coaxed the money out of the tightfisted man and sent him upstairs with a girl.

The girl undressed and pulled the Scot down on her, but to her amazement the man started to fuck her navel. "That's not the right place," the girl barked. "My hole is farther down."

"For twenty dollars," the Scot replied, "I want a hole of my own!"
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A Young Scot Borrows a Condom

A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw, but his girlfriend says, "Sorry Jock, not without a condom." Young Jock searches the town high and low, but being a Sunday, every place is closed.

Walking around, he eventually meets Old Angus, a very good friend of his father. Young Jock explains his problem and is told in return, "Don't worry son, I can help you out."

Young Jock takes off and the night is beyond his wildest expectations. A week later, he meets Old Angus in the street and tells him about his experience.

"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time I have ever had."

"Just glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked Old Angus. Young Jock looks at him and replies, "I threw it away. Old Angus, with a scowl on his face says, "Ah, yer in trouble now laddie--that condom belonged to the club."
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Three Couples on the Golf Course

A Dutch couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off. The Dutchman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"

The Dutchman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Nicholas, here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers! Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!"

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoots mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"

She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb, tidy yourself up a wee bit."

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