Sex-Related Humor I

Don't Miss our Sex-Related Humor II Page!

Do I have to point out that some of this material may be considered offensive? -- And that you should leave right now if you're easily offended?

And if this isn't offensive enough,
how about an animated Gif of Popeye?



Third Time's a Charm
The Best Excuse...
Another Psychiatrist Joke...
Flea Transportation
Full of Hot Air...
The Golf Lesson
The Horny Guy
The Pharmacy
The Nerve!
The Little Girl and the Bird
The Funny Farm
The Diagnosis
The Art Exhibition
An Idea
The Best Hooker in Las Vegas
Two Deaf Mutes get lucky
A trip to the Gynecologist
Now, THAT's a Good Date!
A Fetish
Original Sin
A Little Vibrator Joke
Going 'Downtown'
Firm it Up!
Mowing the Lawn
A Whorehouse gets Busted
A Game for the Milkman
Officer Mary Forgets her Panties
A Virgin's First Date
'My Dick' Jokes
The Masturbator
(sing to the tune of the Macarena)
He Gets a Hand from his Ex
Remembering her Grocery List
Two Starlets
The 5 Kinds of Sex
Three Friends go to a Whorehouse
Pinnochio Gets Some Advice
Getting Lucky at the Prom
A Man With a Very Small Penis
Frank and Dave Make a Bet
Negotiating for a Blowjob
Japanese Bride on her Wedding Night
A Houseguest Shares Their Bed
Young Sperm Receiving Instructions
Honeymoon Sex
Establishing the Ground Rules
A Hooker Goes to Her Doctor
Waving the Towel
Amazon Vaginas
A Trip to the Sex Therapist
A 'Personals' ad
The 'First' Time
Leaving for Las Vegas
Adam & Eve
The Butler
Raising Vegetables
101 reasons women prefer cucumbers to men
(on our 'lists' page)
The Payoff
The Treatment
Sherlock Holmes
The Solution
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
A Super-Quickie
The Chicken and the Egg
Russian Roulette -- African Style
The road to Manhood
Penis Study
Penis Tax
The Snatch Eating Frog
More Uses for Vaseline
A Little Girl Sees Her Father...
In a Coma...
All eyes turned to stare
Doctor, I Can't Get it Up
The Battle of the Bobbits
Rodeo sex
King Arthur & His Knights
Voodoo Penis
First Date with a Very Loose Girl
A New Cure for Impotence
How Not to Give a Hand Job
The Milking Machine Story
Alcohol as a Substitute for Women
What's That String For?
Her Boyfriend Has an Accident
At the Hospital Donation Center
My Husband Yells When he Climaxes...
Lining Up for Free Oranges
Strange Laws Regarding Sex
I Was Coming Down to Kill You
Depends on the Color of the Ring
He Wants a Prostitute with Syphilis
Strange Sexual Trivia
She Takes Preventative Measures
Chief has a Problem With Masturbation
Debbie Gets Her Vibrator Stuck
I Thought He Was Coming
Excessive Sexual Demands

The Sex Therapist

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you...

"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue..."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole .. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.

"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I'm afraid your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us!"

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... "
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Matt Answers a Personals Ad

A woman who had been twice married and divorced was fed up. Her first husband was violent, and her second husband ran off with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually; so, she put an add in the classifieds:

"Wanted: a good looking, single guy who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and is good in bed."

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs on her front porch.(must be Matt!)

"I'm here about your ad", he offers.

"You must be mistaken", she begins to reply.

"Let me explain", he interjects. "I can't beat you, because I don't have any arms; I can't run off, because I don't have any legs."

"But", she demands, "how do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
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The 'First' Time...

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
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Leaving for Las Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there."

The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.

"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
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Adam & Eve

A few days after letting Adam and Eve settle in, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand for a walk in the garden. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam again took Eve for a walk in the garden. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam began to take Eve for another walk, but this time he reappeared in only seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
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Third Time's a Charm

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, tells the pastor she intends to wear white.

"You can't wear white," the pastor says. "You're not a virgin. You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.

"Impossible!" says the pastor.

"Unfortunately not," she says. "My first husband was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp collector. Oh God, do I ever I miss him!"
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The Butler

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.

She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."

He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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The Best Excuse...

It's after dinner when John realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. The bartender offers him a cold beer on the house and he decides he has time for just one. He's nursing it when a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes right over to him and sits down. One thing leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her apartment.

Back at her place they "Go at it" like crazy, and their passions take over. And the next thing John knows is that it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the girl awake and asks if she has any baby powder.

"Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet," she says still half asleep. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety miles per hour, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.

"So WHERE have you been?" she screams.

"Well, you see honey," John stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place..."

"Wait a minute," snapped his wife. "Let me see your hands," as she eyed the whiteness of his fingertips.

Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you EVER try lying to me again, you rotten little've been bowling again!"
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Another Psychiatrist joke...

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."
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Raising Vegetables

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly...."but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
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Flea Transportation

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun when an old flea friend of his walked by. "Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first flea when he saw how terrible his friend looked -- runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again, looking more chilled and miserable than before. "I did everything you said," Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
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Full of Hot Air...

A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking. "Mommy, what are you doing?" "Um," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat that I'm bouncing all the air out of him."

"I don't know what good it's going to do," the boy replied. "The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"
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The Golf Lesson

One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.

Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.

The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."
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The Horny Guy

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him.

Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".

The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".
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The Pharmacy

Scene: Pharmacy. Foster is looking at the shelves. A woman approaches him.

Can I help you sir?

I'd like to see the registered pharmacist.

I'm a registered pharmacist, and so is my sister. We own the store.

Well . . . I guess you can help me. I've had this tremendous erection for two weeks and nothing I do will get rid of it. What can you give me for it?

That's a rather unusual problem. I'll have to consult with my sister.

(She goes into the back room and returns a few minutes later)

How about $5000 and half the business?

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The Nerve!

This guy went into a doctor's office and told the nurse, "I have a problem with my dick." The nurse, half horrified, said, "I am amazed that you have the audacity to use that language here. I will not help you until you call 'it' something else." A little embarrassed, the guy leaves.

A few minutes later, he comes back in and says, "I have something wrong with my ear." So the nurse says, "That's better. Now what's wrong with your ear?"

The guy replies, "I can't piss out of it."
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The Little Girl and the Bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know, "I'm in here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. But I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire..."
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The Funny Farm

This lady was doing a newspaper piece on the Funny Farm, so she decided to visit it for research. She walks in the first door and there's a guy sitting on the bed with his arms spread out, swaying back and forth, side to side yelling zoom, zoom. She asked him what he was doing and he said "I'm practicing for when I get out of here, cause I'm going to be an airplane pilot!"

So she goes into the next room and there's a guy siting on the bed with both his arms straight out in front of himself, fists clenched, yelling rumm, rumm, rumm. She asked him what he was doing. He says "I'm practicing for when I get out of here, cause I'm going to be a race car driver!"

She walks into a third room and there is a guy sitting on his bed, buck naked, and has a big boner with a pecan shell stuck on the end of it. So she says, "What are you practicing to be when you get out of here?" And the guy looks at her and says "Lady, are you crazy, I'm never getting out of here, can't you see I'm fucking nuts?"
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The Payoff

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

" Hi is Tony home?"

" No he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over!"

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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The Treatment

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
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Sherlock Holmes

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
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There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.

There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."

Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.

A pansy up in Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.

There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie -
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!

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The Solution...

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more - would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.

She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
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The Diagnosis

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, " crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied,
"Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ZACHARY rike your ass!"

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The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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The Art Exhibition

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the African men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."
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A Super-Quickie

Superman is bored. He calls Spiderman, but he says he's busy making a new web.

Then he calls Batman, but he is busy cleaning the Batcave.

So, Superman decides to pay Wonderwoman a visit - maybe she will join him for a drink or two.

He arrives at her door and knocks - no answer.

"Well, with my x-ray vision I can probably check through the door to see whether she is really in there or not" he reasons. He crosses his arms and looks through the door, and he sees Wonderwoman naked on her bed moaning heavily.

"Wow! What an opportunity! With my speed I can probably get in, bang out a quickie and leave - and she won't even notice." So he does his thing: Wham! Bam! In and out like the wind -- and he's gone!

"Wow! What was that?", says Wonderwoman.

"Damned if I know", says the Invisible Man, "but it sure hurt like hell".
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An Idea

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?"

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.

The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,....

"Darling. Look at THIS!!!"

"She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
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The Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
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The Best Hooker in Las Vegas

A guy goes to Las Vegas and wins big, really big, in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.

"Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, that's outrageous!" he said. "Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. " "All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend replied.

A half-hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?" She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000." "What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed. "Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her $5 grand.

An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand, staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?" The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I'd own the whole city!"
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Russian Roulette - African Style

An African guy and an American spend the day together in the U.S. and the American guy teaches the African guy how to play Russian roulette with a revolver and one loaded bullet.

The next day the two guys go to Africa and the African guy says "I'll teach you how to play African roulette". He takes the American into a circle with beautiful women all around it.

The African says "pick any of these women and they will suck your dick any time you want." The American guy asks "how is this like Russian roulette?" The African guy replies, "One of them is a cannibal!"
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Two Deaf Mutes get Lucky

There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
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A trip to the Gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

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The Road to Manhood

One day a little Indian boy walked up to the chief` and said "Me ready for woman."

The chief said "Before you can have a real woman, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for woman."

The Indian chief says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

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Now, THAT's a Good Date!

These three women were roommates. One night they all had gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now, THAT'S a good date!!"

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Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the U.S. published this study, France decided to do their own study. After spending 250,000.00F and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, dissatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

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Penis Tax

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging round unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective March 1st, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" $30.00 Luxury Tax
8 - 10" $25.00 Pole Tax
5 - 8" $15.00 Privilege Tax
4 - 5" $10.00 Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 1 - 2" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

IRS are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
- What if one's penis is self employed?
- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
- Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

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A Fetish

The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish....... but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

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The Snatch Eating Frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"

She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point.

She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."

When the man arrives at her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"

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Original Sin

In the murkiness of a skid-row alley, a street-walker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

"You may be forgiven as a victim of circumstances." intoned the savior of souls. "Tell me, are you familiar with the original sin ?"

"Maybe and maybe not." she shot back. "But if it's really original, it's gonna cost ya an extra fifty."

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More Uses for Vaseline

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man.

"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?".

"Well, sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man," says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay... first, you do use Vaseline, correct?". "Yes sir, for as long as I can remember."

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out."

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A Little Vibrator Joke

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?"!  she exclaimed.  The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the  basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching the Superbowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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Going 'Downtown'

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, what the hell are you doing?" She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking."
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A Little Girl Sees Her Father...

A little girl walked into the bathroom, saw her father in the shower, and ran to her mother screaming, "Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!"

"That isn't a worm, sweetheart," said her mother reassuringly. "That's part of your daddy's body, and a very important part. If your daddy didn't have one of those, you wouldn't be here."

Pausing thoughtfully, the woman added, "And come to think of it,...neither would I."
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Firm it Up!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman... and your brother!
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In a Coma...

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

"I think she choked."
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Mowing the Lawn

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
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All eyes turned to stare

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"

"I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."
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A Whorehouse gets Busted

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"

The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."
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Doctor, I Can't Get it Up

"Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
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A Game for the Milkman

One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.

The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.

"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."

"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times.
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The Battle of the Bobbits

(sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean cut.

Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub.

In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence.


Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.

Whizzed, that is.

Straight stream.

Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.


Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, 'ya hear!
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Rodeo sex

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it? Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sister's". Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
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Officer Mary Forgets her Panties

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.

The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
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King Arthur & His Knights

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
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A Virgin's First Date

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
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Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
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'My Dick' Jokes

bullet My Dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and even my dick's dick is bigger than yours.
bullet My Dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie, but I'm too afraid of getting a hard on and choking myself.
bullet My Dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's phone calls.
bullet My Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in 'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'my dick'."


The Masturbator (sing to the tune of the Macarena)

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, gotta jingle on my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse, it's the one with Sharon Stona.
Heeey Masturbater!!

I go a little faster and it's feeling kinda nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Heeey Masturbater!!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina.
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where it's beena.
Heeey Masturbater!!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the others on my meata.
I can't get out of the car cause I'm sticking to the seata.
Heeey Masturbater!!

Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbater.
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomatea.
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her.
Heeey Masturbater!!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bakin'.
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm amaking.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, God my hand is aching.
Heeey Masturbater!!
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First Date with a Very Loose Girl

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was very receptive to his foreplay after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.

She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, "Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"

"Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Timex."
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He Gets a Hand from his Ex

The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same apartment building.

One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.

"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognizes me."
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A New Cure for Impotence

After several years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
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Remembering her Grocery List

A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She tells him no.

He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.

She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.

He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes through the motions again.

She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."

Ears. "Two ears of corn."

Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."

Crotch: "Fantastic."
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Two Starlets

Two young starlets are discussing the auditions they have just had with the movie producer.

"Did he give you a good part?" asks one.

"No, he did not!" replies the other. "Why he made me such a ridiculous offer, I just laughed right in his balls!"
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How Not to Give a Hand Job

A guy takes the prettiest girl in town out for a date. On the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

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The Milking Machine Story

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and... everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."
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The 5 Kinds of Sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
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Alcohol as a Substitute for Women

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle."
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Three Friends go to a Whorehouse

Three friends are out enjoying a night on the town, and the suggestion that they visit the local whorehouse meets with enthusiasm all around - especially when the madam tells them there's a special offer that evening. For $100, $150, or $200, the customer will receive a sexual treat beyond his wildest dreams.

The first guy forks out $100, is shown to the first door on the right and soon his friends hear cries of ecstasy coming from within. He emerges sometime later sweaty, out of breath and grinning from ear to ear.

"She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen," he said panting. "After extensive foreplay she put two pineapple rings around my penis and ate them!"

The second guy couldn't fork over his $150 fast enough. He was shown to a room and soon wild cries of bliss were heard. Eventually he returned with the same grin and the same story, except that he had gotten whipped cream along with the two pineapple rings.

The third guy needs a little persuading to part with his $200 and is shown to an upstairs room. Soon cries of ecstasy can be heard, but his friends are puzzled when they're interrupted by a scream of agony. When he returns, they can't wait to hear what happened.

"Yes," he explains wearily, "she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and after extensive foreplay she covered my prick with two pineapple rings, whipped cream, chopped nuts and topped it off with a maraschino cherry."

"So then what happened?" ask his friends eagerly.

"Well," he replies, "it looked so good, I took a bite myself."
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What's That String For?

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.

Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiosity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't perform? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."
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Her Boyfriend Has an Accident

Nancy runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend," gushes Nancy, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!"

"My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Nancy, "but it was the one right next to it!" (rimshot, please)
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Pinnochio Gets Some Advice

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"
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Getting Lucky at the Prom

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked that, too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
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At the Hospital Donation Center

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
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A Man With a Very Small Penis

Joining a new company, Dave had to take a physical with the company doctor. All the tests came out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor noted that Dave had the smallest penis he'd ever seen. "Tell me," he said, "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?"

"No," Dave said. "I've got a great wife, three kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I ever have is finding it when I need to urinate."

"And yet you still have a normal sex life?"

"That's not a problem," Dave said, "because there's TWO of us looking for it then."
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My Husband Yells When he Climaxes...

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
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Frank and Dave Make a Bet

Two couples are on vacation in the same hotel. The two husbands, Frank and Dave, are having a few beers together at the bar.

"I bet I make love to my wife tonight more times than you make love to yours," says Frank.

"Never. I'll bet $50 my wife wakes up more satisfied than yours," says Dave.

"Right, you're on. But how will we tell which one of us has won?" asks Frank.

"Easy. When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, just order the same number of slices of toast as number of times you made love," says Dave.

The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both men are smiling as the waiter comes to take the order.

Frank leans over - "I'll have a full English breakfast, and SIX slices of toast," he smiles, winking at Dave.

Dave leans over, and says in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full English breakfast and SEVEN slices of toast -- and make 2 of them brown!"
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Lining Up for Free Oranges

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.

One day, the police rounded up a group of pros and the girl was busted. The cops had all the girls lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting.

Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter, she asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"

The granddaughter, not willing to reveal the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges.

Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the lineup taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother.

He was stunned and bewildered to see her so, he asked carefully, "Ma'am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"

Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck 'em dry."
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Negotiating for a Blowjob

This kid takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out Together. When they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy?!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, I promise."

"No! Someone may see; my parents, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night?" he says. "Trust me, no one will show up."

"I've already said no! And no means no!"

"Honey, it's just a little blowjob," he pleaded, "I know you'll like it too."

"No! I mean it!"

"Baby, don't be like that."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in a nightgown with her hair a mess. While rubbing her eyes she says, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button."
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Strange Laws Regarding Sex

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).
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Japanese Bride on her Wedding Night

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle."
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I Was Coming Down to Kill You

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

Version II

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's Doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, including never, ever having sex again, as the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs. She's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you."

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A Houseguest Shares Their Bed

A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment. Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass; if he is asleep we can have sex."

The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"
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Depends on the Color of the Ring

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."
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Young Sperm Receiving Instructions

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively.

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first.

When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
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He Wants a Prostitute with Syphilis

A young boy goes into a brothel, pulling along behind him a dead frog on a piece of string. He goes up to the desk and says, "I want to sleep with one of your prostitutes".

The madam replies "I'm sorry son, you're far too young. Come back when you're older". At this the young boy slams fifty dollars down on the counter, and the madam says "OK son. I'll see what I can do!"

"Just one thing." says the boy "She's got to have syphilis".

"I'm sorry," replies the madam "but all my girls are clean!" At this the boy slams another fifty dollars on the counter, to which the madam says "I'll see what I can do!"

So she takes the boy (who is still pulling along the dead frog on the end of a piece of string) to the syphilis-ridden whore, and he proceeds to have sex with her.

After he's finished, he walks out of the room, still pulling the frog on the piece of string, with a big smile on his face. As he walks past the madam, she says "Just one thing, son. Why did the prostitute have to have syphilis?"

The boy replies "Well. When I get home I'll have sex with the babysitter, and she'll catch it. Then when my dad takes her home later he'll have sex with her and he'll catch it. Then when he gets back home, he'll have sex with my mom and she'll catch it. Then when my dad goes to work tomorrow, my mom will have sex with the milkman and he'll catch it, and he's the bastard that killed my frog!!!"
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Honeymoon Sex

The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweaty," he says. "Please turn over."
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Strange Sexual Trivia

Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation.

Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have sex with female crocodiles because they believed that it would make them rich and important.

Erect giraffe penises are four feet long.

Extra breasts - a condition called "polymastia" - are rare, but not entirely unheard of. In 1886 there were two women who each had ten breasts, all of which secreted milk.

In eighteenth-century France, a woman named Madame Ventre, who lived in Marseilles, had a fully functioning, lactating breast that stuck out of her left thigh just below the waist.

In April 1970, Gloria Sykes won a $50,000 judgment against San Francisco's transportation system for her injuries sustained in a cable car accident. The main crux of her argument revolved around the fact that she was now a nymphomaniac: she once had sex fifty times within a five day period.

It is reported by the world of medicine that one thirty-year-old woman had natural breasts that weighed in at fifty-two pounds.

The smallest erect penis on record was one centimeter long.

Napoleon's withered penis was purchased at a 1969 auction for $38,000.

The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at twenty-eight miles per hour. In contrast, the world record for the one-hundred-yard dash is 27.1 miles per hour.

Locker room talk aside, apparently only three out of a thousand men are well endowed enough (or at least flexible enough) to fellate themselves to orgasm.

During her reproductive years, the average woman will have intercourse over three thousand times.

If disconnected, the sex organs of an armadillo are still active.

Today, Japan leads the world in condom use and are sold door to door by women.

The name of Wyoming's Grand Tetons mountain range literally means "Big Tits".

White women and those women with a college degree in particular are the most receptive to anal sex.

When reading horizontally from Shakespeare's original published copy of Hamlet, the furthest left hand side reads "I am a homosexual" in the last 14 lines of the book.

In the 1930s, a man was arrested on charges of buggering a duck in New York's Hyde Park. He however got off scot-free after pointing out in his defense that the duck was a fowl, not a beast, and that he was therefore innocent of the charge of bestiality.

Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.

In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity.

When the ancient Chinese would have sex with a goose, as a climax they used to pull off its head to feel its death contractions.

As foreplay a Ponapean man may sometimes put a fish in the woman's vulva and gently lick it.

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it's against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.

There is a law in Kingsville, Texas, that forbids pigs to have sex on Kingsville airport property.

In 1709 it was believed that the widespread infertility of Spanish women was due to singing during sex.

According to Kinsey, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.

The seahorse is the only creature where the male becomes pregnant. The female inserts a nipple-like appendage into the male and releases her eggs into his stomach. He then discharges his sperm over them, and once the eggs are fertilized, his belly takes on the rounded shape.

For the mouthbrooder catfish, which lives off Mozambique, fertilization takes place in the female's mouth. She releases her ova into the water and then turns round and swallows them. When the male swims by, she opens her mouth to swallow his sperm as well. The young fish remain in the mouth until they have absorbed their egg yolk.

Since the female bedbug has no sexual opening, the male drills his own vagina, using his curved, pointed penis as a drill. The male then inserts his sperm and the blood-sucking female feeds on some of it when blood is in short supply.

The female praying mantis eats her partner after sex. During copulation, the larger female hooks her deadly arms around him and begins nibbling away at him, but his sex drive is so strong that he can carry on even while being eaten.

The male swamp antechinus, a mouse-like marsupial from Australia, is the only mammal which dies after mating. The males dedicate their lives to a round of non-stop copulation until they literally drop dead. The  majority die of starvation because they have no time to feed between sex.

According to unsubstantiated sources:

55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another.

33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh.

The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style."

58 percent of women cuddle after sex, but 8 percent just "lie there silently."

Only 4 percent think bicyclists have "attractive physiques."

30 percent say swimmers have the sexiest bodies.

28 percent have the hots for gymnasts.

22 percent like volleyball players.

But only 14 percent say sprinters get their hearts racing. 

London - Britons need no longer hang their heads in shame, they're good at sex, and have a lot of it. This study, due out July 3, has exploded the myths surrounding British sexuality and destroyed the reputations of some other nations in the process. Here's the details:

The average Brit has sex 2,580 times in his or her life with five different people, and some 42 percent of Britons manage a bit of sexual infidelity.

Italians, long regarded as sex legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe... less than 100 times a year. And when they have sex it lasts less time than anywhere in Europe (14 minutes).

Brazilians have the greatest endurance, with sex lasting an average of 30 minutes.

Thailand produces sprinters who have sex the quickest (10 minutes on average).
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Establishing the Ground Rules

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
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She Takes Preventative Measures

A woman with eight children happened to run across a childhood friend of hers on the street corner. "Nancy," she asked, "why do you have no children?"

"I practice preventive measures," was the answer.

"Preventive measures? What's that?" asked Donna.

"I se two saucers and a box. My husband's shorter than I am and we like to screw standing up. When he gets a hard-on I pull up my dress, spread my legs, and put two saucers on the table. He stands up on the box so he can get all the way inside me and starts jumping up and down."

"So where does all this get you?" asked Donna, confused.

"That's when I got to watch him very closely. When his eyes get as big as those two saucers, I kick the box out from under him."
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A Hooker Goes to Her Doctor

A hooker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well, hemophilia is a genetic disorder, and it's most often found in men," answered the doctor. "But, some woman do get hemophilia. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" asked the doctor.

After some quick calculating, hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."
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Chief has a Problem With Masturbation

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."
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Waving the Towel

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
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Debbie Gets Her Vibrator Stuck

Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform an operation."

"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?"
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Amazon Vaginas

An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long.

Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief.

"Is it correct," he says to the chief, "that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?"

"That correct, man," says the chief.

"However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires the explorer.

"The chief looks at him as if he were an idiot and says, "They stretch, man. They stretch!"
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I Thought He Was Coming

The paramedics were called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
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What do you get when you put 50 politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?
- 100 people who don't do dick!

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
- One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it is sexual harassment but when a woman talks dirty to a man it is $3.95 a minute?

Making Love: What women do while they're getting fucked.

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.

Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A: Toy's for Twats!

Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What do parsley and female pubic hair have in common?
A: You have to move it aside before eating.

"Organizers of the first 'National Orgasm Week' held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it."

Q: Moms have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit

Did you hear that the fastest four-handed game in the world is when it slips out?

Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused pussy!

Q: What is the difference between frustration and panic?
A: Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.

What do virginity and a balloon have in common?
One prick and they are gone forever.

What sexual position creates the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

Did you know that if the pilgrims shot a bobcat instead of a turkey we all would be eating pussy on thanksgiving?

Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
She came back with a red snapper.

What is 'Hand-to-Gland Combat'?
A vigorous masturbation session.

What is an 'Aussie Kiss'?
It is the same as a French kiss... except 'down under'.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with her index finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a bloody vibrator!"

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
--Truman Capote

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
--Groucho Marx

If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--George Burns

Do you know the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of your throat at 35 MPH.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?

The nympho says "You're done already?"
The hooker says "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

Q: Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
A: Because men have two heads and women have four lips.

What's the difference between being hard up, and down and out?
About two minutes.

Q: Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
A: She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"

Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus?
A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.

New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant. Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

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Excessive Sexual Demands

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.

"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones," said the wife to the lawyer.

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, this morning I was looking at the chickens when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens? Mrs. Smith? I didn't know you kept chickens?"

"We don't, Mr. Jones. This was in the supermarket."

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