Humorous English Signs From Around The World 

Signs on Bathroom Walls

Signs Seen on Church Property 2/16/2002

Signs Found Elsewhere in the USA 3/10/2003

Signs Found Outside the USA 10/19/2001

Signs Found In The Kitchen

Signs on Bathroom Walls:

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
-Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror Women's room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
-Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
-Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
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Signs Found Elsewhere:

bullet On an Asian Restaurant: Fuk Mi Sushi & Seafood Buffet
bullet Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
bullet On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us help you pick your nose."
bullet "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." - An unidentified sign
bullet In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
bullet Sign seen in our veterinarian's office: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."
bullet In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
bullet On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
bullet Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
bullet In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
bullet On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
bullet Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
bullet In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
bullet On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
bullet Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
bullet At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
bullet At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
bullet Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
bullet Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
bullet Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels

Butcher's window; Let me meat your needs


Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you

bullet Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition


Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"

bullet Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
bullet Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
bullet Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

bullet At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
bullet Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment
bullet In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
bullet In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
bullet On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

Music Library: Bach in a minuet

bullet At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
bullet On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
bullet On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
bullet In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
bullet Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
bullet In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
bullet On same building: Cox's Family Restaurant - Pet store
(Morehead City N.C.)--Imagine their menu
bullet On the marquis for the Crystal Coast Civic Center:
H.W. Brown Gun Show
Martin Luther King Festival
Road sign North of Saint Helena, CA: Blind Drive on Right.
bullet Next to a toilet in Bali was an ashtray with: Don't eat everythings on it
bullet Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
bullet Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
bullet New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
bullet Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
bullet Loan company office: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
bullet New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
bullet Shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
bullet At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
bullet Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
bullet Funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
bullet Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
bullet Shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
bullet Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
bullet Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
bullet New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
bullet Public school grounds: No trespassing without permission.
bullet Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
bullet New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
bullet Wheelbarrow - Do not use when temperature exceeds 140 Fahrenheit.
bullet Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, AZ - State Prison: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers
bullet Rim Drive, Durango, CO - Warning: Do Not Hit This Sign
bullet Unknown Road, Clemson, SC - Caution water on road during rain.
bullet On a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando:
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your headand watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
bullet Hand-printed sign posted in a traffic court: "Don't complain, think of all the summonses you have deserved but didn't get."
bullet A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too...."
bullet On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
bullet Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road, and stop reading these signs."
bullet At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
bullet Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
bullet Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello. We can help pick your nose."
bullet Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
bullet Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."

When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water.

"We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them."

As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge.


bullet at a welding shop... "We can weld anything except the crack of dawn or the break of wind."
bullet company slogan in the yellow pages. Being a demolition company, the slogan read: "If you've got the walls, we've got the balls."
bullet a sign in a documentary about prison. The large sign was on the chain link door of the outside fence of the prison and it said...NO HOSTAGES BEYOND THIS POINT
bullet A Funeral Home in Philadelphia:

A Cafe in Jefferson, TX (March 2003):

We no longer sell French Fries
We sell Freedom Fries

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Signs Found Outside the USA

bullet Notice in a Dutch undertaker's shop window: 'We prefer to serve German Customers'
bullet Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland."The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."                          
bullet Outside a restaurant in Santorini (Greece): Trespassing for Customers Only
bullet TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person todo such thing is please not to read notis.
bullet BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
bullet BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order.
bullet PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
bullet ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
bullet YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
bullet MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
bullet SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
bullet AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
bullet HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
bullet BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.
bullet PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
bullet RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
bullet GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
bullet HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the lastest methodists.
bullet ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
bullet CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
bullet SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.
bullet COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
bullet MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.
bullet NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
bullet BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
bullet ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
bullet TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
bullet JAPANESE HOTEL: colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
bullet TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
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Signs Seen on Church Property

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)

"Don't Let Worries Kill You.  Let the Church Help"


Seen on a tombstone in England

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

From the grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania

Here lies Ellen Shannon who was fatally burned March 21, 1870, by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
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Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking... lower your standards.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

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