Texas Humor

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Getting on the Bus in a Very Tight Miniskirt
The Texas State Trooper
A Typical Texas Baby
A Texan and his New Bride 
Diary of a New Texan 
Does it Ever Rain Out Here? 
Texas One-Liners 
One Texas Soldier is Better Than Ten Taliban
Only in Texas Photos
Survivor, Texas Style
A Texas Blessing
The Texan Cowboy Way
A Texan's Guide to Life
Car Crash Statistics
Texas Honors Boston Strangler
The Price of a Blow Job in Texas 
A Visitors' Guide to Dallas  
You've Come to the Right Place 
Two Hunters in the Woods
These Texas Women are Tough
You Know You Are In Texas In July...
DFW Metroplex Barbie Editions Available

For a more thorough guide to the minutiae of Texas_Speak, check out  Bubba Speak at Amazon.com.

Don't miss our Quotes by Texans on our Quotes Page!

Happiness Is Seeing Lubbock, Texas in the Rearview Mirror.
- Song title

The Texan Cowboy Way

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I couldn't help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin 'em."

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A Texan's Guide to Life

bullet Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
bullet Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
bullet If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now & then to make sure it's still there.
bullet If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
bullet After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along & shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
bullet Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
bullet There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
bullet If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
bullet Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacca.
bullet It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
bullet Always drink upstream from the herd.
bullet When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
bullet When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
bullet The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
bullet Never miss a good chance to shut up.
bullet There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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Getting on the Bus in a Very Tight Miniskirt

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather jacket and boots.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BODY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was gettin' mighty well acquainted."

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The Texas State Trooper

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that fucker would've tried that shit with me!'"
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Car Crash Statistics

This just in:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drives and pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!" (Except George W., who won't admit using alcohol)
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A Typical Texas Baby

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds.

"Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
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Texas Honors Boston Strangler

State Capitol, Texas Presidential candidate G.W. Bush prides himself on presiding over 121 executions with perfect oversight. State representative Tim Moor wanted to show how careful the legislative process was in the state. He sponsored a bill praising Albert Salvo, a man whose "unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology" had already been noted by the state of Massachusetts. The Texas politicians, never wanting to be outdone by any state, unanimously passed a resolution praising Albert Salvo. Salvo is better known as The Boston Strangler.
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A Texan and his New Bride

A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.
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The Price of a Blow Job in Texas

Back in the good ol' days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: A true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah  honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
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Diary of a New Texan

May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Trees and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though, got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20 I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door she exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state. Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two #@*& darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California where all you have to worry about is earthquakes.
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A Visitors' Guide to Dallas

...life in America's fifth largest city

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native.

8. Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we are in Fort Worth!!"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect

11. All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.

12. Story road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections.

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth Intercontinental Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town will take a minimum of four hours.

16. Don't carry money, jewelry, family, etc., on Martin Luther King FRWY.

17. The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.

18. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading."

19. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70...people are not waving when they go by.

20. The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
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Does it Ever Rain Out Here?

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher drawled, "we got about half an inch of that."
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You've Come to the Right Place

Talk about having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat. I went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse."

She smiled, handed me a menu and replied, "Well... you've come to the right place."
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Texas One-Liners

Why is Texas officially changing its name to Tex?
Because the ass is in Washington.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
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Two Hunters in the Woods

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead..."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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One Texas Soldier is Better Than Ten Taliban

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.   "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

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Only in Texas Photos

Only in Texas 1

Only in Texas 2

Only in Texas 3

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These Texas Women are Tough

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table.
"These Texas women are tough!"

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Survivor, Texas Style

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 44" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

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You Know You Are In Texas In July...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

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A Texas Blessing

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass
the fire ant castles in the grass.

Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Texas, Lord, you've put them all!!

But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

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DFW Metroplex Barbie Editions Available

Highland Park Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at Highland Park Village. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Pleasant Grove Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills, unless you're a cop, and then we don't know what you're talking about.

Plano Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Mesquite Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

North Dallas Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print beach outfit from Stein Mart and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends beside the pool. Percocet prescription available.

Richardson Barbie:
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Honda Pilot SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Deep Ellum Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu, has long stringy hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow." For a limited time only, she comes with her own Whole Foods market discount card.

Fort Worth Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of the house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored thongs that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and an old Chevrolet Beretta.

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