Absolutely True Work-Related Humor


"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." - A.H. Weiler
Actual Interview Excerpts 3/8/2003
Quotes taken from actual performance evaluations
Officer efficiency reports
McDonalds Job Application
Finding a Job by the Handwriting on the Wall
Resume Blunders 3/14/2003 
Real-Life Managerial Quotes
Blowing Every Breaker at Once
Stuck in an Elevator
Hiring a Staff Writer
Don't Forget to Hide the Descramblers
Why the Helicopter Won't Fly
Stupid Memos
McDonnell Douglas Questionnaire
Working at Q-TIP
A Very Tactful Way to Fire Someone 
Employee Dead Six Days Before Anyone Notices 
The President Answers a Call 
Japanese Response to IBMs Specifications
Trying to Look Busy
Check Those Email Attachments
Getting More Efficiency Out of Women
Testing the PA System
Non-Linear Waterfowl Issue
Delivering Newspapers
Unusual Jobs


Actual Interview Excerpts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "l assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

To continue in the same manner:

A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.
"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the  wastebasket."
"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"
"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1."
"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."
"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."
"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."
"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not
"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."
"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset."
"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume - and two people."

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form. He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?" 
Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he checked "violence."

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The girl responded confidently, "The living one!"

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Quotes taken from actual performance evaluations:

bullet "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
bullet "I would not allow this employee to breed."
bullet "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
bullet "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
bullet "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
bullet "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
bullet "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
bullet "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
bullet "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
bullet "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

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Officer Efficiency Reports

These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report
(performance appraisal for the military)

bullet - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
bullet - Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
bullet - A room temperature IQ.
bullet - Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
bullet - A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
bullet - A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
bullet - A prime candidate for natural deselection.
bullet - Bright as Alaska in December.
bullet - One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
bullet - Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
bullet - Fell out of the family tree.
bullet - Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
bullet - Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
bullet - He's so dense, light bends around him.
bullet - If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
bullet - If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
bullet - If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
bullet - If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
bullet - One neuron short of a synapse.
bullet - Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
bullet - Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
bullet - Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
bullet - Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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Stupid Memos

bullet As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
bullet What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
bullet How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
bullet E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
bullet Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
bullet Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
bullet No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

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McDonnell Douglas Questionnaire

Supposedly, this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

First Name: ..............................................

Initial: ......

Last Name: ..............................................

Password: ................................. (max 8 char)

Code Name: ..............................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........ ........... ..........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):

19....... / ....... /.......

4. Serial Number: .........................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
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Working at Q-TIP

When you have had one of those "TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT" days, try this.

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-Tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
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McDonalds Job Application

This is the job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's:

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still looking.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.

LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.

EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.

LAST SALARY: Way less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment and I don't like to get caught doing them at work.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes; substance - I rather not say.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.



The job application joke above is © 1997 by Greg Bulmash.
Check out more of his funny stuff, get some insults, or browse his burger database.

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Finding a Job by the Handwriting on the Wall

You may be able to find a new job by looking at the hand-writing on the wall - the bathroom wall. The Chicago-based international outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas reports that the Swedish-based furniture retailer IKEA received 60 employment applications after leaving handwritten want-ads on the walls of men's and women's restrooms in upscale restaurants. That's four or five times the usual response from a help-wanted ad in a newspaper.
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A Very Tactful Way to Fire Someone

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are British. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired.

He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
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Resume Blunders

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

"I am very detail-oreinted."

"I can play well with others."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"Physical disabilities include minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customer conflicts that arouse."

The following was attached as a "cover letter" to a resume that was faxed to an office in San Francisco.  It was printed in landscape.

"Hello, my name is Christopher Bernardino and I am very interested in learning everything that I can so I can learn and expand my skills towards your company.  I believe I can do anything and I will.

Attached is a 3 page resume that I have posted for other employers to see. Please take upon my offer if you are looking for someone to do it right. Thankyou, Christopher Bernardino."

The resume was only one page long - not three.

Some reportedly real-life examples of egregious errors on resumes:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

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Employee Dead Six Days Before Anyone Notices

Birmingham, Al -  In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (Jan, 7) George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the office he shared with 23 other workers. He passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working on the weekend. 
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The President Answers a Call

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. "I'll call back later," he said, I need to talk to someone who knows something."
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Real-Life Managerial Quotes

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
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Japanese Response to IBMs Specifications

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their standards:
They're still laughing about this at IBM.  Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project.  In the specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. It said, "We Japanese had a hard time understanding North American business practices.  But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment.  Hope this pleases you."
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Blowing Every Breaker at Once

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place. When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
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Trying to Look Busy

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."
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Stuck in an Elevator

Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors and, after some door banging, finally attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.

It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people called and will be here in two hours."
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Check Those Email Attachments

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
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"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

-(Attributed to a R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
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Getting More Efficiency Out of Women


There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they are less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employees a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

This is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Mass Transportation. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II.
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Testing the PA System

A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."

My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
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Hiring a Staff Writer

When I was a magazine editor, a young man approached me about a staff-writer position. He had studied dramatic arts in college, had been a professional actor, and also sang and played the guitar at local restaurants. "How come," I asked, "with all that talent and experience, you want to switch to a nine-to-five writer's job?"

He started explaining that he enjoyed the arts, and writing was an art he'd always wanted to try, and so on. Suddenly he stopped his spiel, looked me in the eye and grinned. "Let's face it," he said. "I'm starving, and I'm trying desperately to get into a rut."

I hired him.
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Don't Forget to Hide the Descramblers

In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the TV was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the TV, he saw a note taped to the screen. It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."

[Snipped from Reader's Digest.]
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Non-Linear Waterfowl Issue

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
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Why the Helicopter Won't Fly

My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground.

I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic. He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter.

The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply, then said vaguely, "Well, the one we have won't fly."

The frustrated supervisor pressed the question, "Why won't it fly."

After a long pause came another reluctant response, "Well, I say it won't fly because it's upside down. The pilot says it won't fly because it's under twenty feet of water."
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Delivering Newspapers

On her first morning delivering newspapers, my daughter was riding with her supervisor who was showing her some tricks of the trade. He proceeded to demonstrate how to throw a newspaper accurately. "Now remember," he warned, "it's 5:30 in the morning, so you don't want to make a big ruckus. This customer likes his paper right on his front porch."

The supervisor then hurled the paper toward the house. It landed on the customer's car and set off the alarm.
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Unusual Jobs

  • Laughter Therapist - Encourages people to think happy thoughts and make themselves laugh.
  • Worm Farmer (Vermiculturist) - Manages worms as they decompose rotten material and create compost.
  • Onion grader - Sorts out the onions based on their different qualities and uses; also removes the mud, sticks and stones that surround the onions.
  • Heritage Management Officer - Goes to every site that is proposed for development to ensure that there is nothing of archaeological significance that needs to be removed or preserved.
  • Golf Ball Marshal - Searches the fairways and bunkers for elusive golf balls

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