Work-Related Humor

Don't miss our NEW Work-Related Humor II Page!

Why did the executive hire the prostitute to be his secretary?
On her application, where it said 'last position', she wrote 'doggie style'!

Absolutely True Humor (on it's own page)
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Two Car Companies
A Very Sick Employee
Just a little Ditty...
Laws of Work
Prison vs. Work
Top 10 Signs You're Suffering from Burnout
Bungee Jumping for Fun and Profit
Achieving Financial Independence
New Terms and Phrases From The Millenial Corporate Workplace ....
The Wrong Answer
Late for Work
Stuff You'd Like to Say at Work
Fired for Laziness
As Much As Possible
How to Irritate the Hell out of Your Co-workers
Making Fun of his Baldness
He Wants to be a Garbage Collector
Rejection letter reply
Three Guys...
A Little Office Prayer
Sign Language on the Golden Gate Bridge
New Motivational Quotes from the Office 10/5/02
You Know You've been in Corporate America Too Long When...
A Compliment... or Sexual Harassment?
After the Office Party 
Bob's Evaluation 
The Right Applicant for the Job
Company Policy
The Job Applicant
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
The Manager Spots a New Employee
Exaggerated Work History
A Braggart Gets His Comeuppance
Foul Language in the Workplace 
The Boss Gets No Respect
Touring a Latex Factory


Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Not too bright.

Has committed no major blunders to date.

Drinks heavily.


Still one step ahead of the law.

Will stick with us until retirement.

Offers plausible excuses for errors.


Buys drinks for superiors.

Knows more than superiors.

A real jerk.

Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Finds someone else to do the job.

Thoroughly confused.

Did not go to college.

Can string two sentences together.

Miserable home life.


A nitpicker.

Has a loud voice.


A snob.

Knows lots of dirty jokes.


A coward.


Turns in work on time.

Wanted by no-one else.

An office gossip.

Lazy and hard-headed.

Usually does it the hard way.

Needs more to do.

Paid too much.

Does too much busywork.

Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Pain in the ass.

Relative of management.


Clock watcher.

Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Delegates everything.

Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.


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The Corporate Mindset Revealed

Once upon a time, an American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their moral sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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A Very Sick Employee

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I told you I was sick."
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Computer Hillbilly: ( to the tune of 'The Beverly Hillbillies')

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows, that is ... PCs.. workstations..

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel, that is... Pentium.. big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life.

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now...ya hear!
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Laws of Work

bullet If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
bullet If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
bullet A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
bullet Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
bullet It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
bullet After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
bullet The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
bullet You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
bullet Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
bullet When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
bullet If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
bullet There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
bullet Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
bullet Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
bullet Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
bullet To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
bullet Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
bullet Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
bullet If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
bullet You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
bullet People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
bullet At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
bullet When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
bullet Following the rules will not get the job done.
bullet Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
bullet When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
bullet No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
bullet The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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Prison vs. Work

1.In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

2.In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

3.In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

4.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

5.In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

6.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

7.In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

8.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

9.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

10.In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

11.In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
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Top 10 Signs You're Suffering from Burnout:

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

And the number one sign you're suffering from Burnout ....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
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Bungee Jumping for Fun and Profit

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set up, they noticed the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets....

Zeke tells Zeb, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they'll get the idea." After Zeb is strapped in he jumps, falling almost all they way to the ground before springing back.

As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes were all torn and wondered what this is was all about.

Zeb went down again, bouncing as jumping this way does, and this time when he came back, up Zeke noticed that Zeb was bleeding.

Zeke thought, "Wow...what's going on here? Is the cord too short? Is he touching ground?

Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when he sprung back up, Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. "Huh?"

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb groaned out in obvious pain, "I don't know... but what's a pinata?
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The Ultimate Reply

Dear Sirs:

Thank you for your letter dated April 17, 1997. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck rejecting future candidates.

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Three Guys...

There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they.

The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves.

The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No."

They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"
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A Little Office Prayer

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things
I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies
of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
and also, help me to be careful of
the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the ass
that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

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Sign Language on the Golden Gate Bridge

So there were these two guys working on the Golden Gate Bridge. It was really cold and noisy, so both were wearing ear covers.

One worker decides he needs a hammer and that his co-worker should get it for him, so using the sign language of the bridge workers trade, he signals his co-worker by gesturing first to his eye (I) then to his knee (need) and then bonking himself on the head (hammer).

Much to the shock of the first worker, the second worker acknowledges the signal with a nod of his head and then, the second worker drops his pants and underpants and begins to fondle and stroke his own "manhood" to the point of erection.

The first worker confronts the second and says, "What the Hell were you doing?!?".

The second worker answers, "I was just trying to tell you that I was coming!"

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New Motivational Quotes from the Office

Quote from a recent meeting:

"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss...

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work:

"The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss:

"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a taskforce he created to find a solution:

" I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

Human Resource Manager to job candidate

"I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry

"We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

General-Purpose Thoughts...

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

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You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When....

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."

3. You refer to dating as test marketing.

4. You can spell "paradigm."

5. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You understand your airline's fare structure.

7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.

10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities".

12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt".

14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line".

15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses".

16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.

17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."

19. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."

20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.

21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.

26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.

27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.

28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.

29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

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A Compliment... or Sexual Harassment?

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice." The woman replies, "He's a midget."

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Achieving Financial Independence

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

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After the Office Party

After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself; you succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management staff and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did," said Louise. "You're back at work on Monday."
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New Terms and Phrases From The Millenial Corporate Workplace ....

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: "decruitment")

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM: Career Limiting Move -Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404."

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
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Bob's Evaluation


My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and this is what I wrote:

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13. executed as soon as possible.

S.D. - Project Leader

Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note:

That bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment.
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The Right Applicant for the Job

A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy.  Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
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The Wrong Answer

Two young engineers applied for one position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"Why would you do that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins...
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The Job Applicant

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
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Late for Work

One day an employee arrived late with one eye closed, his arm in a sling and his clothes in tatters.

"It's 9:30," pointed out the boss, "you were supposed to be here at 8:30!"

"I got mugged coming out of the subway." said the man.

"And that took you a whole hour?"
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Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a-brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure...


Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.


Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.


Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.


Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
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The Manager Spots a New Employee

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and called him into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
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Stuff You'd Like to Say at Work

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
28. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
29. Allow me to introduce my selves.
30. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
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Exaggerated Work History

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
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Fired for Laziness

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. Disgusted by the young man's laziness, the owner walks up to him and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him he's fired and to never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk comes out of his office and sees the owner, "Oh, good morning sir. Have you seen that delivery boy? I asked him to wait here for me!"
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A Braggart Gets His Comeuppance

A strong, broad-shouldered young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in."
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As Much As Possible

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
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Foul Language in the Workplace

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language

DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.  Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Human Resources
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How to Irritate the Hell out of Your Co-workers

1) Ask people what sex they are.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address be: or

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

16) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

And last, but not least:

17) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.
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The Boss Gets No Respect

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!
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Making Fun of his Baldness

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "it does!"
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Touring a Latex Factory

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!" "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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He Wants to be a Garbage Collector

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector." he replies To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

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